8 days ago my mum kicked me out. She had opeed my bank statement, saw that i had gone into and over my overdraft, and then went to my wardrobe and found half a bottle of vodka. (Let me explain before i go on, that the vodka was there for a club i go to that you can take your drinks in with you. so its cheaper for me.PLUS i cant even finish a pint. And that vodka had been there for about three months. because i was too lazy to mix my drinks and take it in. Therefore resulting in me spening money on they overpriced drinks in that club.) On the saturday morning she woke me up at 7.30am and asked me if i had spoken to the bank, i said no. then she went into one of her venting sessions (that i could not make out propely because i was still half asleep), saying that she was fed up of me, and what i was doing, and my lying (what lying??) and she has tried to help me and shes fed up. And that she wants me out with all my things by the time she comes back from work the next day. And that she is changing the locks, so i should not say that i have forgotten something, because i wont get it. Also she wants no contact.She fed up.
So, i went to work that morning. My friend Bennet (Bee) bursts into the canteen, as she does, singing my name and i just give her one look, burst into tears and turn into a babbling wreck expalining what happened. She offers to move into hers. We go and tell my manager who let me go 4hrs early to go and pack my things, and ring my stepdad (who is divorced of my mum but visits my little sister every saturday, so, me and him are on good terms) to help me move that evening into Bee's room.
The next day i was on the phone to my friend Jonny who has a spare room for rent until new years eve. I decided to move there and pay, because i felt guilty living under my bee's feet for free; since she would not let me pay her.Plus she is someone who i pay everything for her, because i love her so much, and i realised that if i did stay there i wouldnt be able to stopping sharing my money on her in such a manner.And that i now actually dont have money. So, i moved half of my things into Jonnys (because its only until new years - someone is booked to rent tht room from that day) and paid his mother money for the month; which was very cheap.
I went to my university on the monday and told them of my situation, and they have told me to apply for halls of residence, but for some reason i will not get priority over anyone else. Also if i apply it is not gaurenteed that i will get halls because iam applying so late. And the move-in date for halls would be the 18th/20th of january. Therefore, when i move out of Jonny's , I will move into Bennet's until that time. If i do not get halls i would have to search for somewhere else to stay.
5 days after mum kicked me out she called me and asked me to come see her, i went to see her and we spoke. She started by saying that everyone was laughing at us (presumably family who she has told). I asked why and she said it was because she has failed as a mother. I said no, im still alive. Then she went on to say that i dont see things, if someone is telling me that there is a cliff ahead i carry n going instead of taking the advice. I said that sometimes i maybe need to fid out for myself, despite being told. She asked me why i do not take her advice, i said that its not tat i dont take it, its that i dont bother to look after myself. i dont care about or like myself enough to change (into what she wants for me/wants me to be). She then said where did we go wrong, and that it was trust and why do i not trust her. Her bottom line was that i should move back in, because she was upset and angry when she threw me out. I said no. I said that i think we would be able to build a relationship from a distance. She said ok. And i left.
Again i spoke to her last night on the phone this time. She said that she doesnt care where iam, whether im here or in Canada. Its just she does not want me to be "out there" and get "ill". She doesnt want to see me looking gaunt and scruffy and doing "abnormal" things. I said to her when iam looking like that and am doing "abnormal" (abnormal!?) things that is when iam down and feel depressed. (so im guessing thats what she means by ill) She said that when she sees me ill she gets angry because she does not want to see me like that, and that i need someone to push me back to being "normal" again. I said to her if that is the case then "normal" to you is when im happy. She said to me that when i get ill i "have a mother" and that i should come home. Because when im ill i dont know what im doing, and that i even sleepwalk. I agreed that when im "ill" i dont know what im doing. I told her i would come see her this sunday. And the conversation ended.
Since i spoke to my mum for the first time away from home, i havent stopped feeling guilty about saying no to her offer. I feel she needs me, i feel shes frail and old (shes only 52) and needs my financial support (for the house that she constantly reminds me, is an investment for me.) Still i feel that we would get on better from this distance. And hopefully i can see her as a friend rather than an monster that shouts and speaks her mind of you constantly. She disagrees that the relationship would get better with me out of the house, because its me that has the problem. Its her worrying about me and what i do apprently.
To me, if what she is sayng is true, that the only reason why we clash is because of her thinking iam "going down a wrong path" and being "ill". Then it sounds as if ive got myself into a viscious cycle of her being angry and chucking me out all the time and threatining me with empty comments, which i have believed to be true for over 10yrs. Which in turn makes me feel more depressed and terrible about myself and my role as a daughter.
I feel compelled to go back but i dont want to. I feel that nothing will change. Mum says that it doesnt matter where iam, its me that needs to change, its not her that has the problem. When i find out "the root of my problem and change, that is when we will get on better. Of course iam going to shout if your acting abnormal, and walking around with your hair and clothes all scruffy. When you are ill you have a mother, come home.".
I feel guilty, i can't sleep, im STILL not attending lectures in university, and i have not self harmed in 6months. Im suprised how well im taking this. But i have a feeling the ball is about to drop at some point, im just in shock. I feel down, but where iam living now the house is never empty. It feels so weird to go to mums house and then leave again, going back to another house.
I don't know whether i should go home and be by my mother's side and support her like a good and "normal" child/person would do in the African culture. My mum is not strictly African cultured (even though she has had a strict upbrining, as she doesnt stop reminding me), and has never tried to impose it on me as badly as i see with other families, but i know she has that mentality, and that this being away from home business is not normal in her culture, but somewhere in her head i hope she rembers i was born and brought up here, not in Africa.
Thank you for taking time to read this.
So, i went to work that morning. My friend Bennet (Bee) bursts into the canteen, as she does, singing my name and i just give her one look, burst into tears and turn into a babbling wreck expalining what happened. She offers to move into hers. We go and tell my manager who let me go 4hrs early to go and pack my things, and ring my stepdad (who is divorced of my mum but visits my little sister every saturday, so, me and him are on good terms) to help me move that evening into Bee's room.
The next day i was on the phone to my friend Jonny who has a spare room for rent until new years eve. I decided to move there and pay, because i felt guilty living under my bee's feet for free; since she would not let me pay her.Plus she is someone who i pay everything for her, because i love her so much, and i realised that if i did stay there i wouldnt be able to stopping sharing my money on her in such a manner.And that i now actually dont have money. So, i moved half of my things into Jonnys (because its only until new years - someone is booked to rent tht room from that day) and paid his mother money for the month; which was very cheap.
I went to my university on the monday and told them of my situation, and they have told me to apply for halls of residence, but for some reason i will not get priority over anyone else. Also if i apply it is not gaurenteed that i will get halls because iam applying so late. And the move-in date for halls would be the 18th/20th of january. Therefore, when i move out of Jonny's , I will move into Bennet's until that time. If i do not get halls i would have to search for somewhere else to stay.
5 days after mum kicked me out she called me and asked me to come see her, i went to see her and we spoke. She started by saying that everyone was laughing at us (presumably family who she has told). I asked why and she said it was because she has failed as a mother. I said no, im still alive. Then she went on to say that i dont see things, if someone is telling me that there is a cliff ahead i carry n going instead of taking the advice. I said that sometimes i maybe need to fid out for myself, despite being told. She asked me why i do not take her advice, i said that its not tat i dont take it, its that i dont bother to look after myself. i dont care about or like myself enough to change (into what she wants for me/wants me to be). She then said where did we go wrong, and that it was trust and why do i not trust her. Her bottom line was that i should move back in, because she was upset and angry when she threw me out. I said no. I said that i think we would be able to build a relationship from a distance. She said ok. And i left.
Again i spoke to her last night on the phone this time. She said that she doesnt care where iam, whether im here or in Canada. Its just she does not want me to be "out there" and get "ill". She doesnt want to see me looking gaunt and scruffy and doing "abnormal" things. I said to her when iam looking like that and am doing "abnormal" (abnormal!?) things that is when iam down and feel depressed. (so im guessing thats what she means by ill) She said that when she sees me ill she gets angry because she does not want to see me like that, and that i need someone to push me back to being "normal" again. I said to her if that is the case then "normal" to you is when im happy. She said to me that when i get ill i "have a mother" and that i should come home. Because when im ill i dont know what im doing, and that i even sleepwalk. I agreed that when im "ill" i dont know what im doing. I told her i would come see her this sunday. And the conversation ended.
Since i spoke to my mum for the first time away from home, i havent stopped feeling guilty about saying no to her offer. I feel she needs me, i feel shes frail and old (shes only 52) and needs my financial support (for the house that she constantly reminds me, is an investment for me.) Still i feel that we would get on better from this distance. And hopefully i can see her as a friend rather than an monster that shouts and speaks her mind of you constantly. She disagrees that the relationship would get better with me out of the house, because its me that has the problem. Its her worrying about me and what i do apprently.
To me, if what she is sayng is true, that the only reason why we clash is because of her thinking iam "going down a wrong path" and being "ill". Then it sounds as if ive got myself into a viscious cycle of her being angry and chucking me out all the time and threatining me with empty comments, which i have believed to be true for over 10yrs. Which in turn makes me feel more depressed and terrible about myself and my role as a daughter.
I feel compelled to go back but i dont want to. I feel that nothing will change. Mum says that it doesnt matter where iam, its me that needs to change, its not her that has the problem. When i find out "the root of my problem and change, that is when we will get on better. Of course iam going to shout if your acting abnormal, and walking around with your hair and clothes all scruffy. When you are ill you have a mother, come home.".
I feel guilty, i can't sleep, im STILL not attending lectures in university, and i have not self harmed in 6months. Im suprised how well im taking this. But i have a feeling the ball is about to drop at some point, im just in shock. I feel down, but where iam living now the house is never empty. It feels so weird to go to mums house and then leave again, going back to another house.
I don't know whether i should go home and be by my mother's side and support her like a good and "normal" child/person would do in the African culture. My mum is not strictly African cultured (even though she has had a strict upbrining, as she doesnt stop reminding me), and has never tried to impose it on me as badly as i see with other families, but i know she has that mentality, and that this being away from home business is not normal in her culture, but somewhere in her head i hope she rembers i was born and brought up here, not in Africa.
Thank you for taking time to read this.
