maidenofknight
Member
:search:
I have been searching for a while now to find a place to talk things out... there are so many things I struggle with that are overwhelming and so many things I have overcome, but that continue to haunt me in ways.
I am 47 years old. I have 5 children, most of them are on their own now, but I have one left at home. She is 9. I am married, for nearly 8 years now... to a man who is 14 years younger than me. He has been through the gauntlet of life and seems more like an older man than a younger one in so many ways.
I was widowed at 40 with a baby girl, a daughter of 8 years, two pre-teen boys and a 16 year old girl... all of whom were very troubled. My first husband was abusive, emotionally battering everyone who was weaker than him. Physically battering my children... and feeling no remorse for it what so ever. I was raised in a home where physical and verbal/emotional abuse were the norm... and it was just a stress that everyone dealt with. So I stayed with the abuser for nearly 18 years before he died. I took a stand and asked for a separation about a year or so before he passed away, but he begged for another chance and that he would get help. I believed him and we were on the verge of another crisis when he died suddenly of a massive heart attack. He was 44. I guess the type A personality finally caught up with him and killed him.
I have weight issues that have plagued me since childhood... I binge from time to time. I have a big emotional eating issue... I cannot look at my body in a mirror. I cannot force myself to do it. I am so ashamed of who I am in so many ways. My new husband is so loving, and he supports me, but I think he is beginning to become disheartened because I am not getting any better... I still fight these demons of the past and my weight has soared this year.
I am an artist, and I love to write. I tend to be a bit of a recluse. Talking like this is easier because I don't have to speak outloud. I spent a lot of time as a young girl writing out my feelings instead of expressing them. It was safer. I could just write them down and they would be validated. Speaking was a real effort when I was upset... and it could prove to be very bad. I was not a significant person anyway, I was just there... and I had to be perfect to be lovable.
Anyway... I think I struggle with adult attachment issues because I cling to my poor husband like a choking vine. I neglected my own children due to my emotional state and allowed them to be battered and abused for years... As for my beautiful children? Now I have an angry young man into drugs and drinking, a young man who is scared of everything, and doubts himself constantly... a young woman who struggles with her self-esteem and tries to be strong and civil, though she is full of anger and pain... a teen-age girl who ran away and lives with the family of her manipulative and deceitful boyfriend (who is 21) and bacuse of the way she left, she is not allowed to come home for fear that we will lose our youngest.
I hurt every day that I wake up. Deep inside where no one can see. I just put one foot in front of the other and struggle to care for the ones I love. My husband is struggling to learn to walk again. He had a compressed spinal cord due to an old injury and he underwent surgery in August because he was slowly becoming a paraplegic. I was so scared I was going to lose him! I stayed at the hospital with him nearly the whole two weeks to be sure he was okay. I didn't want to lose him. He is my joy. When I look at my children... I feel joy, but it mingled with such strong guilt. It hurts.
Am I a mess? Please tell me this can be fixed somehow. I am willing to work very hard, and have already come through so much. Any kindred spirits out there?
I have been searching for a while now to find a place to talk things out... there are so many things I struggle with that are overwhelming and so many things I have overcome, but that continue to haunt me in ways.
I am 47 years old. I have 5 children, most of them are on their own now, but I have one left at home. She is 9. I am married, for nearly 8 years now... to a man who is 14 years younger than me. He has been through the gauntlet of life and seems more like an older man than a younger one in so many ways.
I was widowed at 40 with a baby girl, a daughter of 8 years, two pre-teen boys and a 16 year old girl... all of whom were very troubled. My first husband was abusive, emotionally battering everyone who was weaker than him. Physically battering my children... and feeling no remorse for it what so ever. I was raised in a home where physical and verbal/emotional abuse were the norm... and it was just a stress that everyone dealt with. So I stayed with the abuser for nearly 18 years before he died. I took a stand and asked for a separation about a year or so before he passed away, but he begged for another chance and that he would get help. I believed him and we were on the verge of another crisis when he died suddenly of a massive heart attack. He was 44. I guess the type A personality finally caught up with him and killed him.
I have weight issues that have plagued me since childhood... I binge from time to time. I have a big emotional eating issue... I cannot look at my body in a mirror. I cannot force myself to do it. I am so ashamed of who I am in so many ways. My new husband is so loving, and he supports me, but I think he is beginning to become disheartened because I am not getting any better... I still fight these demons of the past and my weight has soared this year.
I am an artist, and I love to write. I tend to be a bit of a recluse. Talking like this is easier because I don't have to speak outloud. I spent a lot of time as a young girl writing out my feelings instead of expressing them. It was safer. I could just write them down and they would be validated. Speaking was a real effort when I was upset... and it could prove to be very bad. I was not a significant person anyway, I was just there... and I had to be perfect to be lovable.
Anyway... I think I struggle with adult attachment issues because I cling to my poor husband like a choking vine. I neglected my own children due to my emotional state and allowed them to be battered and abused for years... As for my beautiful children? Now I have an angry young man into drugs and drinking, a young man who is scared of everything, and doubts himself constantly... a young woman who struggles with her self-esteem and tries to be strong and civil, though she is full of anger and pain... a teen-age girl who ran away and lives with the family of her manipulative and deceitful boyfriend (who is 21) and bacuse of the way she left, she is not allowed to come home for fear that we will lose our youngest.
I hurt every day that I wake up. Deep inside where no one can see. I just put one foot in front of the other and struggle to care for the ones I love. My husband is struggling to learn to walk again. He had a compressed spinal cord due to an old injury and he underwent surgery in August because he was slowly becoming a paraplegic. I was so scared I was going to lose him! I stayed at the hospital with him nearly the whole two weeks to be sure he was okay. I didn't want to lose him. He is my joy. When I look at my children... I feel joy, but it mingled with such strong guilt. It hurts.
Am I a mess? Please tell me this can be fixed somehow. I am willing to work very hard, and have already come through so much. Any kindred spirits out there?
