Inconsistency

[gooblax]

I hate how inconsistent my mum is...

I'm told that it doesn't matter what marks I get, then am told off for not studying. She keeps telling me that I need to exercise, that I have to stop eating so much, and that I've put on heaps of weight, yet later denies that I could think that I'm overweight. She says she wants to help, but just asks questions I can't answer and shouts at me when I can't answer them. Then if I don't answer at all, I'm accused of "giving her the silent treatment." I just can't talk when I don't know the answer... I shout at her in my head, but can't say it.

But I'm supposed to be grateful because she's trying to help. She's trying to get me to exercise and to change my diet (after making me see a nutritionist for whatever's going on with me at the moment)... She even makes my breakfast every morning because I'm too lazy to make it myself, now that there's all this dumb stuff I'm supposed to put on my cereal. I'm so dependant upon her, and it's just disgusting. Then all she has to do is say one word, and I'm stuck with a guilt sandwich.

She says she cares, but shouts at me the moment she sees a bruise on my arm. And of course she will see... there is no privacy here. I don't have the option to sit staring at the ground, or she will see, and force me to tell her what's wrong... when there's not really anything wrong... but she can't accept that, so I'm "being secretive," and "should be banned from the computer," because I only talk to people online and not her.

I dunno, this didn't really have a point to it. I'm just so tired of the inconsistency. I know I can't be the daughter she wants, and I know that I don't have the right to complain when I'm the problem. I know I should just listen to her and do what she says, but there goes that laziness again.

 

[Into The Light]

I know I can't be the daughter she wants, and I know that I don't have the right to complain when I'm the problem. I know I should just listen to her and do what she says, but there goes that laziness again.

nothing is ever that black and white. you are not solely responsible or "the problem". there definitely is a problem in that your mother is sending you mixed messages, and that she's having a hard time with how you are feeling right now. i think this is a confusing situation for the both of you.

i think you could benefit from family counseling but i do not know if that is an option. you may want to think about suggesting it to her.

 

[poohbear]

Hey, there. I read your post, and it hit home for me. I am a mom. I'm 34 years old, and I have a 13 yr old son (and two other boys, younger). I am going through a tough time with divorce, and taking my boys along for the ride. Needless to say, the are having a hard time, esp. the 13 yr old.

First, let me repeat what lady bug said: nothing is ever black and white. It is not your fault for someone else's behavior. You are only responsible for YOU.

I wanted to thank you for your post. It opened a little door for me, if only a crack, just so I could peek inside. I REALLY needed to know how the younger generation thinks about us moms. I think we tend to forget what we do and say to the teens in our homes. We take for granted that we are in charge, and that the kids have to follow, no matter who is leading this parade we call life. I forget that when I rant and rave about what he does, that it just confuses the issue. And, most of all, I tend to forget what he may feel like.

Once again, Thank you for your post.--Poohbear

 

[gooblax]

But it is my fault, because I shouldn't have allowed her to find out about how I was feeling, since I knew it would bother her. A while ago, she was telling me that she was having trouble sleeping because she was thinking about me. I don't want her to be concerned, I don't even want her to care, which is why I shouldn't have let her find out. She becomes frustrated with me, and it is my fault because I should just be doing what she says.

I think the best plan would be to pretend to be 'normal' so she doesn't have to know otherwise.

Anyway, thanks Ladybug and Poohbear.

 

[Into The Light]

your reasoning is faulty again. it's not your fault how your mother reacts to you or how you are feeling. you cannot control others' reactions, only your own.

pushing away how you are really feeling isn't going to work in the long run. temporarily, to be able to focus at the task on hand (such as your exams recently), it is a useful approach, but it is not something that helpful or even sustainable in the long run. if you continue to suppress your true emotions long term, they are going to manifest themselves in different ways. you're already depressed and feeling hopeless, and this is just going to intensify. you're already feeling badly enough. i don't imagine you want it to get worse.

why is it that you do not want her to care?

 

[gooblax]

it's not your fault how your mother reacts to you or how you are feeling. you cannot control others' reactions, only your own.

Agreed, however one does have the responsibility to be sensitive towards the reactions of others.

Very lousy example - two kids having an argument. One has the idea to push the other. He then thinks "he will get hurt if I do that, so it's not a good idea," and therefore decides not to do it. So it's the same thing with my mother. I anticipate the reaction, and should take action to avoid that reaction if it is possible.

why is it that you do not want her to care?

I honestly don't know. I don't even know what I feel towards her. It's stupid, because I should at least know my reason, but I don't. I could start guessing why, but they'd only be guesses.

Thanks Ladybug, how are you doing these days?

 

[Into The Light]

Agreed, however one does have the responsibility to be sensitive towards the reactions of others.

i agree, but only up to a point. we have the responsibility to be respectful towards others and to not intentionally hurt others. but we also owe it to others to be somewhat honest about what's going on with ourselves. if you suppress everything, it's going to come out in negative ways, such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, or maybe one day something sets you off and you'll overreact with anger.

Very lousy example - two kids having an argument. One has the idea to push the other. He then thinks "he will get hurt if I do that, so it's not a good idea," and therefore decides not to do it. So it's the same thing with my mother. I anticipate the reaction, and should take action to avoid that reaction if it is possible.

the difference here is that pushing the other kid is malicious intent, whereas talking to your mother is not.

I honestly don't know. I don't even know what I feel towards her. It's stupid, because I should at least know my reason, but I don't. I could start guessing why, but they'd only be guesses.

again, you may want to consider having a heart to heart with her, and maybe suggest family counseling. this way she learns to understand somewhat what you are going through, you can both work on your relationship, as well as you can work on what is bothering you. it can only benefit you.

Thanks Ladybug, how are you doing these days?

i'm doing alright, thanks for asking

 

[gooblax]

I dunno, I said it was a bad example. A better one might be something to do with selfishness... I dunno. I can't think at the moment.

When it comes to speaking to other people, I don't think I have a heart. I don't know what's going on with anything. Family counselling would only be helpful if I knew at least something, but I don't. And no one ever believes me when I say that I don't know... Someone could ask anything and if I don't know then they never believe me.

 

[Into The Light]

what is it that you don't know?

 

[gooblax]

Almost anything - how I feel about other people, how I feel about myself, how I'm feeling at all, what I'm supposed to do about anything, what I want to do about anything, what I'm going to do about anything, how to do things, why things should/shouldn't be done, reasons, opinions... If there's any question, I don't know the answer.

 

[Into The Light]

don't write off family counseling just because you think you don't know anything. often times people go into therapy not knowing what is wrong, and therapy is where they figure things out. you aren't expected to have all the answers. the therapist is there to help you find them.

 

[gooblax]

Thanks Ladybug, but I just... I can't make these kinds of decisions right now.
My experience of therapy involved question after question... I tried to answer and I'd get another question. When I couldn't answer, I'd be questioned about that. I don't want any more questions.

 

[Into The Light]

i understand. that must have been difficult for you.

have you tried to continue your work with the dr burns feeling good?

 

[gooblax]

Not really. I didn't think I had the time to do it before. I've got plenty of time now, I suppose. I found that I had a couple of problems with trying CBT, but I've forgotten them at the moment.

Edit: Ah yes, the major problem - I don't believe a word that I say against what I actually think.

 

[Into The Light]

then you need to work harder at finding the rebuttals that you actually believe. the cbt only works if you can find a rebuttal you believe. that is key.

 

[gooblax]

The thing that stops me is that I don't believe that I deserve to feel better. Therefore, I won't allow it to work based on that, because nothing will convince me otherwise.
And I can NOT speak to my mother. Does not work.

 

[Into The Light]

The thing that stops me is that I don't believe that I deserve to feel better.

then this is what is keeping you stuck where you are. as long as you do not challenge this belief, you will continue to feel as you have been feeling, and nothing will change.

 

[gooblax]

... and as a logical extension of that I should shut up, stop whinging and just kill myself already to stop being such an annoying piece of crap.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

As I said once before, gooblax, you are neither annoying nor "a piece of crap". I began this forum so people like you would have a place to vent, ask questions, think out loud, or whatever they find helpful.

 

[Halo]

... and as a logical extension of that I should shut up, stop whinging and just kill myself already to stop being such an annoying piece of crap.

I don't see how you got that extension at all. Nobody except you is thinking that you should shut up, stop whining or anything else that you said. Nobody on here ever said that. I think you should keep talking and try to work on getting better.

Ladybug really is right when she says that what is keeping you stuck is that you don't feel you deserve to feel better. If you can challenge that belief then you may begin to feel better and see yourself in a more positive light. Also the idea of therapy for yourself would be a good idea. It really would help a lot I think.