Information needed

[healthbound]

Hey Lost, I agree with what Rosa wrote.

We are all different people with different upbringings, experiences, brain chemistry, emotions and perceptions. I believe it's all relative.

The one thing we DO all seem to have in common is wanting to work through things that are bothering us while helping support our fellow board members.

Ironically, I often feel guilty or "weird" because I have SO MUCH krap to deal with...I often try not to talk about it all because I don't want people to feel uncomfortable about bringing their issues to the table too (I experience this in group therapy mostly). Even people who seemingly have NO issues have issues and need to process things sometimes. That's healthy and normal .

I'm a very empathetic person and don't think I've ever thought, "Gee, why is so-and-so talking about that. They should just get over it - it's SO not a big deal".

And I too recognize the "upside" of all my experiences...I've had unique opportunities to experience things that many people don't. This grants me insight and wisdom (not that you NEED crummy experiences to gain insight OR wisdom - but, trauma definitely provides one with seeing things in a completely different light).

We all have our own challenges and successes.

So --- process away!!

 

[Rosa]

just an update...just got back from seeing my doctor. It went very well. As usual, doctor was very supportive. He seems to think, and I tend to agree, that my sudden feelings of wanting to kill myself have more to do with responding to what happened and how I felt then. The truth is I use to feel to blame- that I was somehow responsible for letting it go on because I didn't kill myself to stop it. We carefully talked about things so as to not send me into another frenzie but something good did come of all this this time around-I've increased one of my meds and actually feel calmer than I can ever remember. Like I wrote, we talked about it as much as we can but we have to be really careful, somehow something is triggering this suicudal response and it could be that I just can't remember but my feelings feel it if you will.
I do feel positive. I feel a sense of calm knowing we'll be working at a slower pace. Thanks again for everyones support.
In friendship
Rosa

 

[healthbound]

Hey Rosa,

That's great news
It's cool that you were able to work through this in a safe way and at a pace that was manageable. I'm learning a bit more about how to work through things in a less overwhelming, but still effective way.

I think I recently came to a point where I accepted more about how much my past experiences affect many of my "symptoms" today. Even though I understood that connection on some level, I didn't "feel it" as much as I do lately.

Part of my acceptance has been because of my reading and connecting with those who are having similar experiences -- so, thank you for posting

 

[Lost]

To Rosa and Healthbound - thanks so much for your wonderful non-judgemental attitude. I have so much to learn from you people.

And Rosa thanks especially for the 'safe hugs'. I really needed a hug when I read your post, so it was really appreciated!

And I think my mental health is a result of my childhood, only it was mostly non-violent abuse, so ... maybe you could still call it abuse, I dunno.
Whatever it was, I'm pretty messed up.

I wish I could be at your level of acceptance, Rosa, to be able to say that I wouldn't want to change my past. But I'm still regretting my past, and I'm still angry about it. You wrote "I am who I am because of it" and it's true for me too. But I don't really like who I am... I was just telling my therapist how I think at times my mother is a real b**ch, and we discovered that I think that about myself too... And I would do anything to be able to go back, and have a decent childhood with a loving caring mother... so that I wouldn't then be the self-hating mess I am today...

Yes, I like the part of me that's sensitive and kind to people, yet there are other parts in my life where I loose my temper, or act really selfishly etc...

<deep sigh>

I know I shouldn't compare and all... but it makes me hate myself more, seeing people who were really abused, and seeing how non-judgemental you are, and how accepting you are, of yourselves too... when I didn't go through anything like that, yet I'm so far behind in so many ways...

 

[Lost]

And i'm sorry if my last post made anyone feel bad.

I'm just jealous and angry I suppose.

You are all wonderful people. I wish so hard that all of us could just HEAL. Heal our wounds, heal our hearts, heal our spirits, and LIVE LIFE to enjoy it for the gift that it is.

 

[foghlaim]

only it was mostly non-violent abuse, so ...  maybe you could still call it abuse, I dunno.

I sometimes think that emotional abuse is so much harder to work thru...           for me.. It is harder, i was in a relationship where i was so emotionally abused that i lost myself along the line..  i have often thought that if he was physically violent, it would have been better,,  at least then i would have seen the marks and whatever. ( Not saying it is actually better to be physically abused.. No way it isn't!! ) 

what i'm trying to say i think.. and maybe someone else can interpret this correctly...
abuse is abuse... physical or emotional..  and we each can have our own experiences, , one or the other  and for alot of ppl, Both.

Lost:   you say u are so far behind in so many ways..   i feel like that, very far behind.. to use your expression.   i can relate to other ppls post cause they are other ppls..   not mine.. i fall apart when i try and write about mine and i think so many ppl have suffered so much more an worse even.    BUT! i also know that other ppl didn't live my life.. i did.. and my experiences are mine...   and i wish as at certain "places" i see others getting to.. but i'm not... YET!!   

You and i will get there .. but at a pace of our own.. ok. 

 

[Rosa]

Hi ya lost! so glad to see you wrote again. there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. I think in truth, we'd all want to go back and experience a loving childhood, but the sad truth is we can't. Who knows. maybe a 'happy childhood' isn't what its all cracked up to be afterall..... But what you can do is change the way you feel about yourself now. Its ok to hate your mother just try not to let her have so much power over you now. If you find that you are like her and thats the part that you hate-change that part. If there are other reasons you hate her, thats fine, but thats her not you.
I can only speak for myself, but I think when you go thru so much as I had, at a certain point you just kind of become dead. I was too busy trying to stay alive to worry about anything else. But trama is trama and we are all created as unique individuals who respond differnetly to situations. My trama is no more important than yours.
I'm just learning this therapy stuff myself. Let me tell you a story....its kind of like learning Hebrew. For years now I have gone to Hebrew classes...each time convienced 'this time, I'm going to do it- this time I'm going to learn.' Once in the classes I fall behind and can never catch up with the rest of the class....in no time at all it becomes clear that i am the worst student in class....but you see its really important that I don't really judge myself this way....no-I just learn differently than others-what I'm trying to say is that were all differnent and never give up...the next time theres a Hebrew class I will again sign up, because you see, SOMEDAY I'm going to get it......
Be well my friend, don't give up and don't compare yourselfs to others. You are unique and warm and next time you decide to hate yourself try to say something nice to yourself instead...just try,,it doesn't have to work, but SOMEDAY maybe it will.
Safe hugs
Rosa

 

[healthbound]

Hey guys :hello:

And I think my mental health is a result of my childhood, only it was mostly non-violent abuse, so ... maybe you could still call it abuse, I dunno.
Whatever it was, I'm pretty messed up.

Psychological and emotional abuse are incredibly challenging to deal with. Neither are "tangible" and therefore both can be very difficult to identify, specify or even articulate. I agree with notsure saying

I sometimes think that emotional abuse is so much harder to work thru...

I have found that psychological and emotional abuse most difficult to work through because they are issues that have heavily influenced my perceptions and feelings of myself, others and the world around me. And because 'intangible abuse" doesn't leave any physical marks, I interpreted that to mean that its effects must be less serious or damaging. Also, part of my experiences reinforced that I was crazy, paranoid, over-reactive and wrong - and again, because there are no physical marks, I often wondered if it really happened.

Each of us is different and therefore our experiences are different, but all of us are important and valuable.

 

[Lost]

NotSureAnyMore, thanks so much for your encouraging post! Yes, emotional abuse is harder because it's not as obvious as physical abuse...
And of course you're right, we're all different and we've all lived through different things...

Rosa, thanks also for your kind post...
I disagree with you on the 'happy childhood' not being as much as it's 'cracked up to be'... of course nobody's life is perfect, but those with a decent childhood have a much better grounding and are much better prepared for marriage, and all of life's experiences... And don't try and convince me otherwise coz I wanna stay angry and hurt that I didn't have what I needed!!! (that was kinda like a joke...) (a sad and true joke...)

Rosa you really are inspiring - what you wrote about your Hebrew classes, and you'll keep trying... How do you not just get depressed and give up...? Especially seeing everyone else succeeding. That for me is the hardest thing - seeing others around me (like you) who are much further down the line in their maturity and recovery... I can't help but compare myself. I know I shouldn't. But knowing doesn't help. I'm a very competetive person, I suppose it's my nature... Only it's really not helping me now.
And what you wrote about my hating my mother / myself of course makes perfect sense. I just wish it was that easy.
And also what you wrote about becoming 'deadened'. I felt like that happened to me in a way too. I used to be really bright and bubbly and outgoing, from being a toddler right until I was around 15 / 16 when things really started getting me down... and now I'm mostly quiet and withdrawn with most people. I get these moods (which are kinda work related and hard to explain while still keeping anonymous) when I become happy and bubbly and alive again - and it's such a contrast... those people who are closest to me really notice it... and that's why I suspect I have bipolar disorder... and here I am going from one tangent to another...
Anyway, thanks Rosa for your kind words, and your safe hugs! And safe hugs back! You really are an inspiring person.

Healthbound - what you wrote is true for me too. Since reading these posts I've decided that I was emotionally abused as a child. A part of me is like, IT'S TRUE, I know deep down that I was emotionally abused. Yet there's still another part of me that's thinking, like, I don't deserve to have a nice lable like 'emotional abuse', and of course I wasn't emotionally abused... I'm just paranoid, over-reacting, or hypersensitive etc...

It's like, it's such an amazingly good feeling having something VALIDATED. So after reading here all about emotional abuse I feel relieved that I am the mess that I am for GOOD REASON, and anyone who'd have grown up with my parents would also be a mess...
Yet there's a voice inside me which DOESN'T want me to feel validated, I don't know why... Maybe that's the part of me that hates myself...? But this voice tells me "stop feeling so sorry for yourself. grow up. get over it already. of course you weren't emotionally abused..."

And I love your waving smiley face Healthbound!
(Someday I'll have the patience to work out how to quote, and put in these cute smiley faces myself!)

 

[foghlaim]

Yet there's a voice inside me which DOESN'T want me to feel validated,
this voice tells me "stop feeling so sorry for yourself. grow up. get over it already

I have these thoughts\voice.. (the diff me's i call them.) for me i think one is fear and the other is denial . (along with a few other's )  i think for me once certain issues\events\times  are  validated  it makes them really real.. and they hurt too much..     I avoid talking\feeling  about them...    i don't want them to be real and yet i know that they are.

sorry waffling again..

 

[Lost]

NotSureAnyMore, thanks for writing back!

(I'm the only one who qualifies for waffling!!!!
;o) )

What you wrote is very very very true, and I understand it and identify with it completely.

 

[Lost]

I wrote about this idea - running away from pain - in a poem which I posted in the miscellaneous section...

and incidentally, <sniff!> nobody, not a single person <sniffle!> on this website, responded to my poem..     <sob>

nobody loves me!!!! 
(when I write poems, at least!)

 

[Lost]

I just looked it up! The miscellanious section has disappeared!

THERE'S BEEN A CONSPIRACY HERE!!!!
;o)

... someone's moved it to the 'this and that' section instead.

 

[foghlaim]

i wonder who that was.. lol

will go and look up your poem now lost.. *s*

 

[Peanut]

Let me tell you a story....its kind of like learning Hebrew. For years now I have gone to Hebrew classes...each time convienced 'this time, I'm going to do it- this time I'm going to learn.' Once in the classes I fall behind and can never catch up with the rest of the class....in no time at all it becomes clear that i am the worst student in class....but you see its really important that I don't really judge myself this way....no-I just learn differently than others-what I'm trying to say is that were all differnent and never give up...the next time theres a Hebrew class I will again sign up, because you see, SOMEDAY I'm going to get it......
Be well my friend, don't give up and don't compare yourselfs to others

Rosa,

I have been meaning to post this for a while...I even started once but had to stop. I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your story. It is, without question, one of the most inspirational stories that I have heard. When I read it I was SO touched...it really puts things in perspective. I am really impressed by you. This story was amazing...I feel truly humbled by your wisdom, and I hope someday that I can see things as clearly as you do. Thanks for the story, I am going to read it frequently and remember it always.

 

[Rosa]

I'm so glad you enjoyed my story. Sometimes I too, have to remind myself to never give up....but I'm sure I'm right.....SOMEDAY.......
In friendship
Rosa