Insecurities of boyfriend's attraction towards friend.

[asphyxiatedreams]

I am currently seeing someone and it has been more than 5 months. ever since he has met my close friend, it is obvious that he is attracted to her from the way he looks at her sometimes and the occasional compliments. She is also busty and i'm definitely not and that is what i know he likes.

This makes me feel like i'm less attractive to him, like i'm second best, insecure, not enough and jealous which i absolutely hate feeling. It is also quite awkward and uncomfortable for me when we're all spending time together as a group, but i still participate in socialising because i don't want to make it awkward for them too.

As much as it is obvious he feels attracted to her, he also pays attention to me as i have talked about this to him (with difficulty). He attempted to reassure me and told me that he only thinks she is pretty and there is nothing else but i still feel heavily burdened by this despite what it is.
Because the negative feeling is bothering me a lot, i considered the possibility of ending the relationship as i don't see how i'm feeling will ever change but at the same time I do have feelings for him and I do enjoy the relationship when i'm not thinking about that. (but nowadays this insecurity occupies my mind a lot) I just need another perspective and advice as i am really stuck with this right now.

I am torn between ending the relationship, which would relieve the burden of this inadequate feeling. Or just try and overcome this (even though i don't see myself as strong enough to do that). i know i am overly sensitive but is it not worth ending a potential long term relationship to this? Is this problem trivial? because i feel like if i do not overcome this and just leave the problem, the same thing might arise if it wasn't my close friend, it may be another friend/girl in future.

I am also aware that it is normal to feel attracted to another when you are in a relationship, which is one reason why i also consider whether i should try and overcome this (because if i run away i don't solve anything and this may happen again in future relationships).

 

[Retired]

I am also aware that it is normal to feel attracted to another when you are in a relationship

Yes, but, color me old fashioned...appreciating someone's beauty is different from acting on those attractions while in a committed relationship.

Is your relationship a committed relationship? Have you both agreed to the commitment?

it is obvious that he is attracted to her from the way he looks at her sometimes and the occasional compliments

This is what I find to be of concern...and would need some further investigation on your part. Is he leering at her in a salacious manner and would you describe his comments are flirting or just paying too much attention to this woman. Either way, in my view, his behaviour seems insensitive.

The important question, to me, is whether this man is just insensitive to your feelings by paying undue attention to another woman, or is he flirting in front of you?

If it were me, I would first determine if this man is committed to you in a frank conversation with him. If he says he is, then I would inform him that you see his behaviour in the presence of this woman as insensitive to your feelings. If he is unwilling to modify his behaviour to respect your sensitivities, then an evaluation of his commitment would probably be in order.

 

[asphyxiatedreams]

Yes, but, color me old fashioned...appreciating someone's beauty is different from acting on those attractions while in a committed relationship.

Is your relationship a committed relationship? Have you both agreed to the commitment?



This is what I find to be of concern...and would need some further investigation on your part. Is he leering at her in a salacious manner and would you describe his comments are flirting or just paying too much attention to this woman. Either way, in my view, his behaviour seems insensitive.

The important question, to me, is whether this man is just insensitive to your feelings by paying undue attention to another woman, or is he flirting in front of you?

If it were me, I would first determine if this man is committed to you in a frank conversation with him. If he says he is, then I would inform him that you see his behaviour in the presence of this woman as insensitive to your feelings. If he is unwilling to modify his behaviour to respect your sensitivities, then an evaluation of his commitment would probably be in order.

Hi Steve

Thank you for your clear answer, it has made me feel less doubtful of my own negative feelings.
I know for sure that he doesn't intend to flirt in front of me or for anyone when he has made those compliments. However, i haven't observed him making any compliments since the time that i have discussed with him about my problem.
We have discussed in the beginning of the relationship that I am looking for a monogamous long term relationship and he agreed that ideally he would like that too, which in other words I believe is commitment on both ends.

We have also discussed my sensitiveness to his behaviour in front of my close friend, which he now understands and is aware of, since then we have only spent time with her twice and the first time, he has modified his action to make sure nothing he does triggers my insecurities. However, the second time, even though he did nothing in particular wrong, the mere problem now it has come to the point that even the presence of her in front of him makes me feel uncomfortable and less attractive and confident.

So if I were to measure this by percentage, I say 65-70% would be my own feelings of insecurities (which was triggered by his initial responses to her) and 30% perhaps his behaviour (the way he looks at her etc.)
I have no problem or mistrust that he will take the next step or action to this attraction and I know he is already committed to this relationship, but it is the mere attraction he has towards the friend which also makes me paranoid about his behaviour in front of her.

Would you agree that I should wait for a time when we all happen to be spending time together again and observe his behaviour? as his attitude towards his attraction have been nebulous since the time I have confronted him about it.

 

[Retired]

Would you agree that I should wait for a time

The soundness of a relationship can only be judged on actions and not words, claims nor platitudes.

If you have the slightest reservation about any part of a relationship, your best course of action would be to wait and see the actions of the other person.

In my value system, commitment in a life partnership must be unconditional.

I am looking for a monogamous long term relationship and he agreed that ideally he would like that too

Does this mean he leaves room for compromise?

 

[asphyxiatedreams]

I am looking for a monogamous long term relationship and he agreed that ideally he would like that too

Does this mean he leaves room for compromise?

I dismissed that use of word from him because it was still the beginning of the relationship at the time and understanding that we both didn't completely know so much about one other, so i felt it was reasonable to use that word. But it is clear that his intentions do not defy the relationship status. THe problem here is my self esteem and feelings of worthiness that are triggered when he displays attraction to other women.

Because the relationship is still developing and are at a young age (21-24), I do not expect this to be a life long partnership (if it is then even better, but there's no way of being sure yet, neither knowing what i want in future) but all i'm saying is that during the time that we choose to be together, we are monogamous.

But now that you mention compromise, it reminds me of another personal negative aspect of this relationship. I have this bizarre imaginary scenario which is proven by nothing on his part (and largely contributed by my paranoia); I feel like one reason why we are together is because i am available to him, and i doubt that if it was purely based on the judgement of initial encounters and attraction compared to other attractive women like my friend, I wouldn't be as visible choice. Not that he has the choice, but if he freely did, which resonates my feelings of worthlessness. Despite his explanation of stating otherwise, because as you say, words and claims cannot be used for judgement.

 

[Retired]

THe problem here is my self esteem and feelings of worthiness that are triggered when he displays attraction to other women.

I believe that in any kind of relationship, friends, lovers, co-workers, colleagues or just plain dating, that no one should be making the other person feel demeaned, uncomfortable, insecure nor threatened.

From what you've described, it sounds like this man, either intentionally or unintentionally due to his immaturity, revels in throwing you off balance, ignoring your feelings.

In my book that describes an emotional abuser and you are too good and sensitive a person to allow yourself to be treated in this manner.

This man's behaviour has demeaned you and has made you doubt in yourself.

You deserve better.

See: 15 Signs You're in an Emotional Abusive Relationship

also Emotional Abuse | Psychology Today

and Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

 

[MHealthJo]

It's important to be aware of that information in the links. At the same time, sometimes people have insecurities or fears or feelings that are unfounded, that can be coming from within themselves a bit more than being caused by someone else's actions. If a person shows genuine empathy and care when you talk about the feelings, and expresses and follows through with full willingness and action to make you feel reassured and comfortable and avoid actions that trigger those feelings , it wouldn't seem to me like they are interested in abusing you, using you briefly and throwing you away, or infidelity. (Take cues from their other behaviours and choices and other aspects if them, too, when considering that. Check out Dr Phil's Life Code for some great information to try to ascertain character.)

Some questions to maybe ask are: have you had feelings like that very often before, without any real trigger, or in other relationships?

And, if you get the reassurance and changed behaviour you need, over a good amount of time, see if then after that the feelings end up pretty much relieved, or if they still remain quite a bit.

If in doubt, talking with a mental health professional you feel comfortable with can help you be more sure of what the problem is, and what to do about it...