I am really struggling, and wondering if this is just me or 'common'.
The 'emotional' part of me is in SO much pain, I just can't think of any other way out. My 12months of therapy was terminated last week (by the therapist, due to policy decisions re state-funded time-limited therapy). I will not have a review for 6mo. I told them I thought it was a bad plan, and I was brushed off. I have been depressed for almost 4 years now. It took 18mo to get the therapy I needed, and it doesn't seem like I will get any more.
The 'intellectual' part of me KNOWS that suicide is a bad plan. It KNOWS how it will devastate my mother, husband, children, friends. It KNOWS that it will be the worst decision for them.
But the emotional part of me knows that my pain is causing THEM so much suffering. It has caused attachment disorders in both my children, it is disintegrating my marriage, and previous depressive episodes have driven away my father and sister (who no longer speak to me) and many friends, and caused me to fail at so many jobs. It tells me that the easiest way to end THEIR pain is to end mine too. I have asked for help and it is not forthcoming, so maybe I am not helpable? Maybe I am not deserving of that help? I have that part of me that says that they won't really care anyway and that it will be better for them not to cause them any more misery.
My intellectual part knows this is wrong but it is TIRED of fighting, of playing the part of rational reasoned thought, tired of holding myself together. Tired of asking for help and not getting it.
I told my therapist I was having this dilemma in my last two sessions before we finished. It was totally ignored and not even discussed. How clear does it have to be spelt out? Here I am ASKING for help, spelling it out, and I can't even get it. Do they think I am crying wolf? That by spelling it out I don't mean it? Did my therapist think it was a LMB they chose to ignore?
Part of me wants to go through with it, hurt my therapist - send them a letter to say 'don't ignore what your patients tell you'. But then am I only thinking about it at the moment to 'get back' at them? I don't think so - as these thoughts have recurred throughout my life (I actually attempted at age 14). But then the pain returns and I realise that it isn't that person, I am just projecting my anger at the situation towards them. I think.
If I call my GP tomorro they will probably admit me. But that would be the WORST thing for my kids. Part of the reason for the insecure attachment was the depression, and part was the disappearing that happened every time I had some somatic disease at my lowest points (pleurisy, suspect appendicitis) and ended up in hospital with no warning (stressing my kids beyond belief - they are both under 4). I can't leave them with anyone.
My kids are the only reason I have got so far. I can't do this to them. But I can't NOT do it. I am screwing up their lives. My husband can get over this. My kids - I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I really don't know what to do.
The 'emotional' part of me is in SO much pain, I just can't think of any other way out. My 12months of therapy was terminated last week (by the therapist, due to policy decisions re state-funded time-limited therapy). I will not have a review for 6mo. I told them I thought it was a bad plan, and I was brushed off. I have been depressed for almost 4 years now. It took 18mo to get the therapy I needed, and it doesn't seem like I will get any more.
The 'intellectual' part of me KNOWS that suicide is a bad plan. It KNOWS how it will devastate my mother, husband, children, friends. It KNOWS that it will be the worst decision for them.
But the emotional part of me knows that my pain is causing THEM so much suffering. It has caused attachment disorders in both my children, it is disintegrating my marriage, and previous depressive episodes have driven away my father and sister (who no longer speak to me) and many friends, and caused me to fail at so many jobs. It tells me that the easiest way to end THEIR pain is to end mine too. I have asked for help and it is not forthcoming, so maybe I am not helpable? Maybe I am not deserving of that help? I have that part of me that says that they won't really care anyway and that it will be better for them not to cause them any more misery.
My intellectual part knows this is wrong but it is TIRED of fighting, of playing the part of rational reasoned thought, tired of holding myself together. Tired of asking for help and not getting it.
I told my therapist I was having this dilemma in my last two sessions before we finished. It was totally ignored and not even discussed. How clear does it have to be spelt out? Here I am ASKING for help, spelling it out, and I can't even get it. Do they think I am crying wolf? That by spelling it out I don't mean it? Did my therapist think it was a LMB they chose to ignore?
Part of me wants to go through with it, hurt my therapist - send them a letter to say 'don't ignore what your patients tell you'. But then am I only thinking about it at the moment to 'get back' at them? I don't think so - as these thoughts have recurred throughout my life (I actually attempted at age 14). But then the pain returns and I realise that it isn't that person, I am just projecting my anger at the situation towards them. I think.
If I call my GP tomorro they will probably admit me. But that would be the WORST thing for my kids. Part of the reason for the insecure attachment was the depression, and part was the disappearing that happened every time I had some somatic disease at my lowest points (pleurisy, suspect appendicitis) and ended up in hospital with no warning (stressing my kids beyond belief - they are both under 4). I can't leave them with anyone.
My kids are the only reason I have got so far. I can't do this to them. But I can't NOT do it. I am screwing up their lives. My husband can get over this. My kids - I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I really don't know what to do.
