Hey.
So, for as far back as I can remember, I've been plagued with obsessive, VERY horrible thoughts. I understand that it is a part of OCD, but I have not ritualized things a whole lot. The urge to do so is very great, and I've done little things in the past, but I've tried my best to do without. The symptoms (aside from the thoughts) I have are anxiety, some trouble sleeping, a few unreasonable (and well hidden) fears about germs and whatnot. I also have a very hard time with rejection and being criticized, and I tend to need reassurance from my family or friends that I'm doing okay and that they want me. These are things that I can deal with, and that I struggle daily to keep hidden so as to try and lead as normal a life as possible. I really have been trying to be strong with these things, but at times it is nearly unbearable. I cannot imagine having to face more and more years of this.
I've gone through intense stages of hating myself, many sleepless nights and feeling sick because of the anxiety these obsessive thoughts induce. They are almost always thoughts about me harming others or myself, and it's horrible. It's been everything from suicide to hurting animals to matricide. It was always made worse or inspired by movies or news reports on the subject matter.
Since I was 8, I can remember staying up in bed, literally shaking, almost puking from the panic I felt, and hiding it as hard as I could from my family because I was scared they'd think I was crazy. It's still like that, except my family knows and I've been able to talk about it, which has helped.
I feel guilty and I cannot stop thinking them. I don't know how many nights I've spent sobbing because I'm scared of myself. I feel like a monster and like I don't deserve to be loved or anything, and it's awful. It has interfered with my relationships with loved ones as well, because I can't believe that they love me, and am scared about coming off as anything other than perfect (ridiculous sounding, I know.)
I'm so sad and anxious sometimes that I feel as though I'm helpless to these thoughts. They are worse at night when I'm not doing anything, and during happy times with friends or family. It's almost as if I cannot allow myself to be happy because as soon as a really nice moment comes along, I ruin it for myself with an intrusive thought.
I've talked about this to professionals before and I understand that the thoughts do not make me who I really am, they are merely a part of me, but I still feel very alone. I know that there are people that suffer with this, and I'm just wondering... How do YOU deal?
I need some tips, because I feel very helpless. I don't want to be unhappy every time something good happens, or every time I try to sleep or do something calming.
So, for as far back as I can remember, I've been plagued with obsessive, VERY horrible thoughts. I understand that it is a part of OCD, but I have not ritualized things a whole lot. The urge to do so is very great, and I've done little things in the past, but I've tried my best to do without. The symptoms (aside from the thoughts) I have are anxiety, some trouble sleeping, a few unreasonable (and well hidden) fears about germs and whatnot. I also have a very hard time with rejection and being criticized, and I tend to need reassurance from my family or friends that I'm doing okay and that they want me. These are things that I can deal with, and that I struggle daily to keep hidden so as to try and lead as normal a life as possible. I really have been trying to be strong with these things, but at times it is nearly unbearable. I cannot imagine having to face more and more years of this.
I've gone through intense stages of hating myself, many sleepless nights and feeling sick because of the anxiety these obsessive thoughts induce. They are almost always thoughts about me harming others or myself, and it's horrible. It's been everything from suicide to hurting animals to matricide. It was always made worse or inspired by movies or news reports on the subject matter.
Since I was 8, I can remember staying up in bed, literally shaking, almost puking from the panic I felt, and hiding it as hard as I could from my family because I was scared they'd think I was crazy. It's still like that, except my family knows and I've been able to talk about it, which has helped.
I feel guilty and I cannot stop thinking them. I don't know how many nights I've spent sobbing because I'm scared of myself. I feel like a monster and like I don't deserve to be loved or anything, and it's awful. It has interfered with my relationships with loved ones as well, because I can't believe that they love me, and am scared about coming off as anything other than perfect (ridiculous sounding, I know.)
I'm so sad and anxious sometimes that I feel as though I'm helpless to these thoughts. They are worse at night when I'm not doing anything, and during happy times with friends or family. It's almost as if I cannot allow myself to be happy because as soon as a really nice moment comes along, I ruin it for myself with an intrusive thought.
I've talked about this to professionals before and I understand that the thoughts do not make me who I really am, they are merely a part of me, but I still feel very alone. I know that there are people that suffer with this, and I'm just wondering... How do YOU deal?
I need some tips, because I feel very helpless. I don't want to be unhappy every time something good happens, or every time I try to sleep or do something calming.
