Is getting angry the only way to heal?

[gloria]

Why can’t I get angry?

It took me a few months in therapy to finally except that what my siblings and I went through was child abuse. I grew up believing that beating your kids was the only form of discipline, and all the other stuff was just bad circumstances, just part of being dirt poor.

Well, I read a few recommended books (Emotional Incest and Toxic Parents) and holy crap there was wayyy too much of me and my life in those books. So, ok, I get it, it was child abuse on many levels. I know it wasn’t my fault, that I was not responsible for the things that happened and that ALL the responsibility lies with my parents so why can’t I be mad at them?

My therapist says I don’t want to get better that I’m wasting my money just coming in and whining. So I’m not sure what to do now. Do I just quit and wait till I mentally hit rock bottom again and maybe this will be the time I finally get mad and can proceed with therapy?

I’m really just confused. Am I really just wasting my time and money? Because if that’s the case well I really do need to quit because I sure can’t afford to be wasting the amount of money I’ve been spending. Or is there another angle I can take, other things to work on? I’m not looking for an excuse to quit. I’m looking for an excuse to continue. I thought when I left that life behind I would be ok. I moved to another country, married a wonderful man, have a beautiful child of my own, a lovely house and new car, everything to live for and every reason to be happy, yet I’m not. I just want to be happy and be able to enjoy my life.

Well, if you got this far thanks for reading.

 

[Banned]

Hi gloria,

I don't think your reaction is abnormal. Rather, I think it's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I too, was "technically" a "victim" of child abuse, but I still struggle to accept that fact. Why? Because nobody wants to open that door if they don't have to. It evokes all kinds of questions and emotions - "why me?" "what did I do wrong?" "how could I have made them love me more so they wouldn't hurt me?" "why didn't I act differently to prevent it?"...and feelings of guilt, shame, embarrasment, wondering if we're making a "mountain out of a molehill", etc...

Only you can know if you really want to work through this, or if you're seemingly happier shoving it to the back of your mind and filling your life with other stuff to try and forget it or erase it or convince yourself it didn't happen. No one else can make that decision for you and it's a tough decision to make. I spent years "running" - working 80 hour weeks, getting involved with activities, putting on the brave face, etc. But eventually you will collapse - at least emotionally. For me, I collapsed physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, you name it. It's your body's defense mechanism...you can live in survival mode, or you can live.

I would encourage you to give some really strong thought about where you want to go with this in therapy, and talk to you therapist about it. It truly might be that this is not the right time for you. I went back to my issues three times before I was finally ready to look at them for what they were. A break in therapy isn't always a bad thing. When you return, you often bring new energy and insight, which helps the process.

Finally, your therapist can help you determine if there are other things affecting your ability to be happy. While this might be the elephant in the room, its not uncommon for there to be other other issues that can be explored until you're ready to explore the current one. Also, if you find you're just not making progress anymore, but you still want to be in therapy, it might be that you've outgrown your therapist and it's time to move on. That's not uncommon at all either.

Whatever you choose to do - I wish you healing and health. It's not an easy journey to go down, but it's a worthwhile one. It allows you to see the world and your own life and experiences so much differently, and in a much more positive and enjoyable light.

Take care.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Maybe find a different therapist?

 

[gloria]

Thanks for the replies. First let me say that I am NOT saying anything bad about my therapist and there is no way I could or would change. For me unfortunately its her or no one. I think I'm just having a problem connecting then with now and its just frustrating. I do feel like I'm progressing, maybe not fast but every little step counts and I know I couldn't have done it without her. I feel so good when I read something and I have one of those ah ha moments. I was so excited just to find out that I wasn't crazy, that there were reasons for my current behaviours and actions and that i didn't have to feel like crap for the rest of my life, that one day I could actually feel "normal". But if getting there means putting my feelings and emotions out in the open then its going to be a long road. If that anger and grief are there then they are buried so deep that I am having a problem believing that they even exist. I read the books and I know the stories are real and that the author is not just blowing smoke and that treatment for those people meant getting in touch with their feelings, they had to get angry with their parents for abusing them and grieve for the perfect childhood they never had, but I don't know how to find those feelings. I want to be mad. I want to grieve. I want to heal. I want to live.

 

[Into The Light]

i wouldn't wait until you hit rock bottom, that isn't going to make you be mad, all that is going to do is make you be in sheer agony. you don't want to be in that place. rock bottom makes it harder to deal with all the emotions.

did your therapist really say you don't want to get well or is it your interpretation of what she said?

it takes time to feel the grief and the anger. you need to work towards it and you need to be ready for it to some degree. you can't just turn those feelings on. i've struggled a lot needing to feel certain things and those feelings not happening for me. i still do, and i end up talking about that part of it before i can move a little closer to allowing myself to feel them.

it sounds like you do want to heal, and for that to happen your therapist needs to help you. it's a team effort so maybe you can go back to her and talk about what's holding you back on feeling those emotions.

 

[gloria]

Actually, that is EXACTLY what she said. My response was "maybe your right". Her reply "I'm not asking, I'm telling you". Now in saying this it seems to make it sound like she was being mean but I know I am a hard person to deal with sometimes and the only way to deal with me is to be very frank and blunt. Every time I leave her office I spend the next week or more going over everything and reading even more and I am actually starting to understand that when she said she has been trying to help me and I have blocked her from every angle that she really has been and I was so far into denial that I only heard what I wanted.

I've been writing a lot down lately and am starting to see some connections. I know that I am making progress, its just slow. Its just tiny little baby steps but for me at least its a baby step in the right direction this time.

I appreciate your response. It really helps knowing that its not just a difficult thing for me but for others as well. I came here because I really have no one other than my therapist and husband to talk to and poor DH has been talked to death but all he can really do is listen (which is all I need most of the time). He's never been through this so he can't truly understand, but bless him he tries. I have so many questions and just need people that have gone through it to share their insight. I can only afford to see my therapist once a month so when things come up between sessions I have no where to turn, so I was hoping this would be a place I could kind of throw those out there and maybe get a little feedback. I really enjoy this whole website. Everyone seems so helpful and these are such touchy issues to deal with.

Thanks agaiin for your reply