Is it possible?

[AllyCat]

Hi all, I'de like to pose what may be considered an odd question.

I just need to figure things out in my head so they make sense. As an adult survivor of child abuse I have read up on the subject a lot but can't seem to find this answer. There are blank spots in my memory of certain abuse. But I do remember what I assume is acting out things that I could not have come up with myself that were pretty disturbing. My question is do children of about 10 years old act things out at all (or do only younger children do that)?

And is it possible a child can act out something that they don't remember being done to them? Why I need to know this is, either I was a very twisted kid or the abuse was worse than I thought and remember. I don't know which I prefer but I need to make sense of it.

Maybe I'm just concentrating on things that don't matter to distract me from other things, but this has been bugging me for a while. Thanks for reading.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi AllyCat,

I'm a survivor as well. I'm not a psychologist, but I think your question is a little difficult because I'm not convinced that every child will necessarily react or act in the same fashion to abuse. Nor do I think that acting out necessarily implies that the abuse was more or less severe than expected.

I don't remember a lot of my abuse. But I know that I was abused and I even have little memories, gestures of people in my life that lead me to believe that they were the particular abuser. My first real memory of sexual abuse was when I was 12 years old - mostly because I have every detail of that aggression etched in my brain. Until last year, I wasn't sure about previous sexual abuse. But I've always had a hunch that I pushed away fervently, convincing myself that it was part of childhood imagination. I'm only now sorting all of this out with the help of my psychologist.

I will say this though: I don't think you were a twisted kid. From talking to other survivors, we all seem to have instinctively 'known' about our abuse even if we didn't have the concrete memories attached to the sexual abuse. And, unfortunately, the severity of the abuse (in my mind's eye) is irrelevant because any form of sexual abuse on a child has its ramifications.

I hope this makes sense AllyCat. Are you currently seeing a psychologist or a counsellor of some kind?

 

[AllyCat]

Hi Jazzey

Thank you for your reply. I am seeing a psychologist (but don't want to get into this with him yet). I just guess I have been minimising everything so much that this was sort of bugging me because I could either take it as I am twisted or own up to the fact that it wasn't just something I missinterpreted and probably never happened, that the sexual abuse did happen even though I don't remember most of it.

I don't think that the fact that I acted out implies that the abuse was more severe. It's just that I acted out an event that I don't remember happening to me so I thought maybe I was just skrewed up and maybe nothing like that happened.

(I'm sorry if this isn't making sense).

Thanks again

 

[Jazzey]

It actually is making a lot of sense AllyCat.

It took me until last year to acknowledge that I was the victim of sexual abuse. And I don't have the memories. Some things come back in snippets (if you know what I mean) but I don't know what's real and what isn't. And, like you, I spent most of my life just thinking that I was 'twisted' because somehow, that was easier to accept than the alternative.

Please feel free to lean on us here. Many of us here are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. But I would also encourage you to talk to your psychologist about this. You'll need the guiding hand to sort it out.

As for the acting out, I tend to agree with you. I also did some acting out when I was younger - stuff that, to this day, still make me blush. But now I have a context for it. And no, these are things that I haven't shared with my psychologist either...but I will. It's hard, isn't it? Probably because somehow, we're more than willing to take on the guilt of it all, when really the guilt lies elsewhere. Now we just have to reprogram our brains in placing that guilt elsewhere.

 

[AllyCat]

Thanx Jazzey, it's nice to know I'm not alone. It's easier asking these tough questions with the anonyminity (I'm not sure if that word if correct) of the internet. Those things make me blush too, and I guess I was hoping someone would tell me I'ts not possible to act out something you can't remember so I can carry on deluding myself.

I've figured out reprogramming my mind is a very difficult task and I swing from just wanting to give up to knowing I have to fix this. I also have snippets and 2 events that I remember clearly, I just thought maybe I overeacted to those events. When eventually said what had happened to me, 2 years after it ended, it was calously dismissed and laughed off.

So I guess I always made it seem like it didn't matter and minimised it so it wouldn't bug me.
Thanks again for the support

 

[Jazzey]

Yes, I do understand your position. I have the same struggle: trying to decipher whether I need to tackle this head on and "know" or, whether I can just learn to accept that this is my past (with or without the details) and move on.

For the time being, I've decided to just accept that it's in my past - without the full knowledge of it all. I'll keep talking to my psychologist and finding coping mechanisms for some of my triggers. If I can find those coping mechanisms then maybe I can live with myself a little better. Learn to accept that this was all 'done to me' instead of thinking that I had a part to play.

If I can do that AllyCat - I'm guessing I'll be ok in the long haul.

One more thing - I don't think that it's a question of minimizing it. I think we have to acknowledge it for what it is. I'm also good at minimizing those things. But then it diminishes my need to move forward if I do that. So I'm trying not to minimize it so that I can really accept it and cope with it.