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braveheart

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I feel all the time, from one part of my mind, that anyone behind me is following me and is going to hurt me. I feel constantly under threat. Although I know in my rational mind that I'm not. Not any more. But the world still feels a hostile place. Apart from a number of 'safe' people in my life.

When I was a teenager, well, every day for nearly 10 years, I was constantly under attack and threat through bullying. They would follow me everywhere, throw things at me [including a wooden chair one maths lesson when I was 16], chase me, laugh at me, call me names, flick ink over me, thump a chalky board rubber on my back, hide my possessions... This was every day. I am not exaggerating. And it was a gang of 20 plus girls. All in my year.

Then we have my home situation. A paranoid father who had resentment against women. A depressed father who was constantly irritable and hostile and scared of the world and of other people. A father who threatened regularly to have me put in a home for bad children, put in a strait jacket, make me sleep in the shed. And also abused my mother. Domestic violence. Which I was a witness of. Threats from mum to take me to a refuge. But this, like my father's unsafe threats, was never carried out. So I felt very insecure, unsafe and under threat.

Except that I dissociated back then, and only now, as I'm learning how to feel and feel safe with all the feelings that were discouraged and attacked, I am feeling the threat in the present. Where it isn't really there.

I understand that this is a form of paranoia, but related to PTSD and hyper-vigilance. I have tried to read articles on the connection between PTSD and psychosis, as it seems there is a connection, but they are all ones you have to subscribe to to read.

My reading points to the possibility of my having what are known as 'secondary delusions'.

I know diagnosis can't be done online, but would you say that I was suffering from psychosis?
 

ladylore

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When I was a teenager, well, every day for nearly 10 years, I was constantly under attack and threat through bullying. They would follow me everywhere, throw things at me [including a wooden chair one maths lesson when I was 16], chase me, laugh at me, call me names, flick ink over me, thump a chalky board rubber on my back, hide my possessions... This was every day. I am not exaggerating. And it was a gang of 20 plus girls. All in my year.

I am so sorry this happened to you Braveheart. You should have never been treated that way. When your in that type of situation you couldn't feel all the fear that bullying brought on. But now, as you are getting in touch with other issues those feelings that were pushed away will come to the surface.

Late last year I was terrified of my own shadow and also convinced I was being followed. It made sense for my history.

And as for your father - having a threat looming over you is aweful.

Thankyou for sharing this with us.

:heart::hug::heart:
 

braveheart

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Thank you.

The thing is, it's like I'm in 2 realities. The rational reality that it should be ok now, as well as the past reality of feeling under threat. Both at once. The rational reality can't quite yet reach the irrational/past one enough to stop some sometimes extreme avoidant behaviour e.g. walking in the road because it feels safer there.

I am wondering if it's more intense right now, not only because of my becoming conscious and aware of myself in my entirity, but also because of the upcoming move.

I know that severe anxiety and depression, as well as PTSD can cause this type of behaviour. But I'm at a loss to describe it, as it's extreme hyper-vigilance. I'm behaving like I grew up in a war zone. Well, I kind of did..
 

ladylore

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I'm behaving like I grew up in a war zone. Well, I kind of did..

It sounds like it was a warzone Braveheart. Stay gentle with yourself and know we are here for you.

:friends:
 
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at times the world scares me too, although probably not in the same way as it scares you. you're safe now braveheart, and you're living with safe people. try to remind yourself of that. :hug:
 

braveheart

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Thank you lb.

I'm starting to understand more now, have more perspective... That being aware of the split in my mind, the 2 realities, past and present running concurrently/consecutively, is showing how I am becoming more aware of how I am not under threat now, but was, very much so, in the past. And that being overwhelmed by the fear that I was losing touch with reality - totally - shows how I am increasingly aware how devastating my past was, and how safe I am now, and that the whole thing is indicative of my healing journey.

I'm not wording that as well as I'd like, but I hope that conveys some of what I intend to say. :)

Today I've been reading information on dissociation, and realising more and more how this started when I was very young, and that I've been very ill for a long while, because of all that happened to me.
Its strange, because I find it hard, in some part of my mind, to equate myself with having severe dissociation, rather than other things. It means that what I went through really was awful. Which of course I know, but..
 
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i think you are making a lot of progress. it sounds like you are coming to a better understanding of your past and present, and where you are today. :yahoo:
 

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