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forgetmenot
MVP
Hey sorry you are suffering so Turtle. Is there anyone you can call just to talk. I called crisis last time they were very helpful and kind You want rid of the pain i understand fully but you don't want to hurt your mother. She would be devastated and lost so please call get some help. I know it is hard to reach out but the people in crisis do help so please just call.
Turtle, the two times that I desperately sought death to end the pain, turmoil, and abject exhaustion, two thoughts effectively prevented me from seeing it to fruition. The first was that I hated the thought of missing something interesting that might happen in the near future that I might very much want to see or know. Considering I had absolutely no interest in anyone or anything whatsoever at those points, there was still a part that would have been disappointed at missing whatever came next.
The other, probably bigger determent to my suicide was that I'd been told, "You will not always feel this way. There will be good moments again. It might take a while for you to begin to recognize those moments but they will be back, and they'll be more frequent. With death you're guaranteed to never have another moment where you feel good, if not at least okay about life."
I believed this to be untrue, certain in my convictions that my reasons for ending my life made perfect sense, knowing that no one else would agree with my list of rationalizations but also knowing that I was right and they were all wrong because they weren't me and couldn't understand, and that was fine. They didn't have to understand, because *I* did and I knew with every fiber of my intellect that I was absolutely justified in taking my life away.
Except, you see, these days I'm filled with self-doubt regarding my capabilities in every aspect of life, including decision making. At those times I was so filled with despair that I even moreso questioned every single decision, comment, and act, certain that I'd done exactly the wrong thing because I was just that absolutely inept at everything. Now I had the one person in whom I'd chosen, voluntarily chosen to place my trust, telling me that it would take time, it would be painful and hard, but there would again be moments of clarity, moments of contentment, and those moment would happen more frequently if I'd allow time and patience to do their thing. And here I was, knowing how wrong she was about this....
And yet, I had so many self-doubts that I worried that maybe she was right, even though I was positive she wasn't. But what if she was? I couldn't trust my ability to make even the simplest of decisions, and now I was doubting my ability to correctly make a the most important one ever. My lack of self esteem and my abundance of self-doubt caused confusion in my ability to trust my judgment, and actually created a postponement of suicide that allowed a thread of sanity to sneak into my mind in a day or so, and the ever present cloud of acid rain dissipated just enough that I regained a brief sliver of perspective to realize that perhaps my thinking wasn't as rational as I thought.
You are the only person with unlimited access to your mind, and only you can know what it might be that would allow you to rethink this decision and postpone the end of your life. I offered my thoughts as anecdotes with hopefully some perspective, but ultimately you have to figure out what might be a reason to wait a while longer before making your final action as a living being. There is one, there is always a reason to give it additional thought. Find that reason to postpone this, and the chances are very good that you'll have a moment where the cloud thins just enough to let a ray of clarity through.
I beg you, Turtle, don't make the decision now. You have plenty of time to think about your decision from several aspects. There's no hurry in this. If you feel you've already pretty much made up your mind, the worst a postponement can do is waste a bit of your time. The best it can do is help you get a fingerhold on a reason to continue fighting.
Please, just yourself a little more time for thinking this through, from every angle. Your life has touched mine, and I'm purposely being selfish in asking for a postponement. Please.
The other, probably bigger determent to my suicide was that I'd been told, "You will not always feel this way. There will be good moments again. It might take a while for you to begin to recognize those moments but they will be back, and they'll be more frequent. With death you're guaranteed to never have another moment where you feel good, if not at least okay about life."
I believed this to be untrue, certain in my convictions that my reasons for ending my life made perfect sense, knowing that no one else would agree with my list of rationalizations but also knowing that I was right and they were all wrong because they weren't me and couldn't understand, and that was fine. They didn't have to understand, because *I* did and I knew with every fiber of my intellect that I was absolutely justified in taking my life away.
Except, you see, these days I'm filled with self-doubt regarding my capabilities in every aspect of life, including decision making. At those times I was so filled with despair that I even moreso questioned every single decision, comment, and act, certain that I'd done exactly the wrong thing because I was just that absolutely inept at everything. Now I had the one person in whom I'd chosen, voluntarily chosen to place my trust, telling me that it would take time, it would be painful and hard, but there would again be moments of clarity, moments of contentment, and those moment would happen more frequently if I'd allow time and patience to do their thing. And here I was, knowing how wrong she was about this....
And yet, I had so many self-doubts that I worried that maybe she was right, even though I was positive she wasn't. But what if she was? I couldn't trust my ability to make even the simplest of decisions, and now I was doubting my ability to correctly make a the most important one ever. My lack of self esteem and my abundance of self-doubt caused confusion in my ability to trust my judgment, and actually created a postponement of suicide that allowed a thread of sanity to sneak into my mind in a day or so, and the ever present cloud of acid rain dissipated just enough that I regained a brief sliver of perspective to realize that perhaps my thinking wasn't as rational as I thought.
You are the only person with unlimited access to your mind, and only you can know what it might be that would allow you to rethink this decision and postpone the end of your life. I offered my thoughts as anecdotes with hopefully some perspective, but ultimately you have to figure out what might be a reason to wait a while longer before making your final action as a living being. There is one, there is always a reason to give it additional thought. Find that reason to postpone this, and the chances are very good that you'll have a moment where the cloud thins just enough to let a ray of clarity through.
I beg you, Turtle, don't make the decision now. You have plenty of time to think about your decision from several aspects. There's no hurry in this. If you feel you've already pretty much made up your mind, the worst a postponement can do is waste a bit of your time. The best it can do is help you get a fingerhold on a reason to continue fighting.
Please, just yourself a little more time for thinking this through, from every angle. Your life has touched mine, and I'm purposely being selfish in asking for a postponement. Please.
Cat Dancer
MVP
Not time for you to go. :hug:
kelsischanging
Member
Turtle,
I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now! Just recently you were the one encouraging me to keep going and I want to return that to you. Keep going. You said you were tired of living one day at a time. Maybe right now you need to take it just an hour at a time.
You also mentioned that you didn't want your mom to find you which means you care about your mom. If you can't find reasons to live for yourself, live for your mom. You are so valuable to so many people even if you don't realize it. You are valuable to me and so many people here on this website! Hold on! :hug:
I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now! Just recently you were the one encouraging me to keep going and I want to return that to you. Keep going. You said you were tired of living one day at a time. Maybe right now you need to take it just an hour at a time.
You also mentioned that you didn't want your mom to find you which means you care about your mom. If you can't find reasons to live for yourself, live for your mom. You are so valuable to so many people even if you don't realize it. You are valuable to me and so many people here on this website! Hold on! :hug:
Into The Light
MVP
turtle, it is not your time yet.
your mother needs you. your dogs need you. i don't know who else you have in your life, but you matter. this pain is not forever. it just isn't. i've been there. i am not lying to you that it is worth the fight.
your mother needs you. your dogs need you. i don't know who else you have in your life, but you matter. this pain is not forever. it just isn't. i've been there. i am not lying to you that it is worth the fight.
Eye Stigmata
Member
Turtle...
I'm really worried about you. Is there anyone you can reach out to? Will your old therapist see you for a few appointments? At least so you can talk to someone face to face? What about a help line? Have you considered going to a hospital to get some on-going treatment or something?
I certainly do not believe it is your time....I hope you will find a reason to hold on. I know you need to live for yourself...but if that's not a good enough reason, live for your mom, and your dogs! Think about all the people who would be devastated to see you go....
Find something to hold on to....please
I'm really worried about you. Is there anyone you can reach out to? Will your old therapist see you for a few appointments? At least so you can talk to someone face to face? What about a help line? Have you considered going to a hospital to get some on-going treatment or something?
I certainly do not believe it is your time....I hope you will find a reason to hold on. I know you need to live for yourself...but if that's not a good enough reason, live for your mom, and your dogs! Think about all the people who would be devastated to see you go....
Find something to hold on to....please
Eye Stigmata
Member
I'm glad to hear it.
You are a strong person - that's what keeps you going. I know there is still 'fight' in you.
I hope you feel better soon, and take some time to be good to yourself.
You deserve so much more than feeling this hurt.
Please keep us all posted!
You are a strong person - that's what keeps you going. I know there is still 'fight' in you.
I hope you feel better soon, and take some time to be good to yourself.
You deserve so much more than feeling this hurt.
Please keep us all posted!
I'm glad to hear that your working with your therapist on this, your in my thoughts:hug:
forgetmenot
MVP
I am glad you reached out to your therapist as well now you will have support you need to stay strong. Thanks for the update. Just want to thank you for your kindness and support to me as well Turtle you help so much now it is your turn to take time for you.
unionmary
Member
Have you got a "bucket list"? have you accomplished everything on that bucket list? Heck no, right? I am one of those people who believe our existence in this lifetime has a specific purpose, and until you have succeeded in such purpose, there will be NO sneaking out the backdoor hun.
Maybe try getting involved with a support group that caters to you specific disorder,,,,so by helping others you will receive personal gain and in turn be helping yourself.
Worth a try, no? :2cents:: put in....whether you want it or not
Maybe try getting involved with a support group that caters to you specific disorder,,,,so by helping others you will receive personal gain and in turn be helping yourself.
Worth a try, no? :2cents:: put in....whether you want it or not
Into The Light
MVP
good to hear turtle. hang in there ok? and keep talking, it's bound to help.
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