It never stays in the past

[Lonewolf]

I don't really know how to explain this, but everyday i have little reminders of how everything exploded in my face as a teenager because i 'told' on 'Him'! He abused me! (you will never know how hard it is to say that!) My sister also suffered it at the same time, but when it all came out, she denide it! She wasn't strong enough! She let me go through the fall out on my own!! I understand why, but ive always been so angry with her for not backing me up when i tried to help both of us!! We don't talk anymore!!

Adverts on the tv, any relationships, not knowing who or what i am? Not being comfortable in my own skin!! confusion, pain, hurt never goes away!! I was put into care over this and because i felt it was all my fault because 'he' was allowed to carry on with his life as if nothing ever happened and still does!! Whereas my life is always effected by it, even now!!

I have never been able to discuss any of this with anyone and it stays with me all the time! It never goes away!! The feelings of intense guilt have been impounded, over and over, all my life!! Still continues to do so!!

I have re-occurring nightmares about my childhood, sometimes im not sure if im dreaming or remembering!! I feel like its all my own fault!

I'm so sorry for bursting out with all of this, im having a few problems and i just needed somewhere safe to let it out before i lose control again!! thankyou!! :uncomfortableness:

 

[MHealthJo]

I am glad you are talking about it Reeper.

Keep it up...

Gosh, that must have been such a kick in the guts, going through it on your own...

It is awful that in many cases inappropriate guilt and punishment gets put onto the victim. It is unjust.

It is natural to be angry and very, very hurt.

It's safely letting those feelings out, and slowly learning new ways of coping with them, that will gradually soothe your feelings and change your life. It is wonderful that you are brave enough to talk about those feelings now. Even though it's so scary at first and you may not yet be used to the different way of your feelings coming out, or how to manage it.

I hope your doctor is helping you manage. And that when you are ready, that your doctor can put you onto a caring, supportive and skillful therapist who can help you release yourself from this misplaced guilt, and the other feelings that you suffer through. But we are here in the meantime and as we get to know you I am sure we can think of some good resources to recommend.

Good on you for the talking youve been able to do Reeper!!

xox

 

[Lonewolf]

I am seeing my GP once a fortnight at the moment which is very helpful to me! Im very nervous about it though!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Yeah, I remember you mentioned. Fantastic work doing that in spite of your fears and anxiety!! I was so so happy to hear it. Please continue to chat about anything as you go along.
Hugs to you!

 

[Lonewolf]

I really appreciate all the support, thankyou!! :tearyeyed:

 

[Lonewolf]

I had a little blip yesturday! I had a panic because i saw an NSPCC advert and it hit me hard, harder than usual!! Lots of memories flooded my head and it was all too painful for me to cope with! I'm ok, but very shakie!! I feel like i can feel every nerve in my body twitching, im scared! Is it ok to be so effected by adverts at my age? Am i just sensitive to things?

 

[MHealthJo]

Certain stimuli can definitely trigger flashbacks or strong ways that the mind and body can suddenly react to memories. These reactions are totally understandable, and can be quite common for anyone who has had any sort of traumatic experience.

Sorry to hear of this very unpleasant reaction you've experienced. Be sure to try to describe it to your doctor next time you go, to add it to the picture of how to help you the most.

I know you may not have a diagnosis yet and not suggesting one for you, but for calming and soothing techniques to try, you may find some ideas or info in the Anxiety or PTSD sections of articles? Not sure.

Hope you are feeling a bit better from it soon. xx

 

[Darkside]

Yes, keep talking about it here ... it is good for you. But also find a therapist that you trust.

My heart breaks for you.

 

[Lonewolf]

Had very realistic nightmares of being r***d all night, so im feeling very low and frightend today!! When i actually manage to chill out, something happens and im right back there, in the nightmare again!

Im struggling with s/h urges because that's how i usually cope with intense emotions, as you all probably know, its easier for me to deal with physical pain!!

Trying not to be too descriptive, just having the duvet over me sets off memories of the a****!! I've tried so many distraction tecniques to take my mind off of it and it does work for a little time, but then it smacks me right in the face again and it rolls around inside my head for hours and hours until i calm down enough to try to relax again!

I feel like im alone with this today!

Im not angry!! I'm scared and confused, i wish i could forget about it just for an hour, but there's no respite for me today!!

When i was actually being a*****, i was able to somehow disconnect my head from my body and that was how i coped at the time, but they are well and truely joined up now, sometimes i wish i could do that trick again!

I don't really know why im writing this, i suppose im trying to avoid!!

I went for a walk in town yesturday and several times i was mistaken for being male and its really got to me, that may sound pathetic, but it effected me as since the a****, i have struggled with my own identity and for strangers to comment on this, reinforces the issue! I feel so vulnerable as a female, but then i feel disgusting to want to be a man because that is what has done this to me!!

kids call me names most of the time because they are confused as to who or what i am, 'He-she' seems to be the most popular, it severly wounds me, but thats what i am, i agree with them!!

I could write here for hours, but I don't know that i can cope with the feelings that come up as a result of opening up too many scars!!

I hope that i haven't bored you all too much with all my rubbish!!!

Thanks :shame:

 

[MHealthJo]

It is good to talk hun and it is not rubbish. And it is great that you tried some things to do when you were having a really hard time - writing, going for a walk. Great job!

Hey, if you are unsure who you want to be or how you want to present yourself right now, gender-identity wise, that's okay... that may just be a part of where you are at in your journey. With time you will very likely gain confidence and clarity about this. Kids may find it unusual but what they think or say is so unimportant, compared to honoring your journey and traveling along your path how it feels right for you, at your own pace.

Some things I have found great for distraction, during difficult times on the journey, include novels and video games...and yes when we can manage walks and exercise, they are good too. Lots of things can get ous out of our mind and into our body, or can take our mind to different places. Not sure what you are interested in but is is great that you are starting to have other ideas to try, to distract a bit from the s/h urges..... Good work!

Ah, someone posted the get.gg website a while ago too... so many great worksheets and ideas and things there, many aimed at the challenges similar to yours, I believe. A wonderful site to have a good poke around in.

Some of the folks here have also been talking about a DBT workbook which they have found helpful.

Sorry that some parts as you start your journey are so difficult. Glad you are looking for support and info for your journey. xx

 

[Lonewolf]

I have taken part in a DBT class and it was extremely helpful on the most part, but i don't find that i am able to apply it to my life much because most of my problems occur very late at night and unfortunately its not safe to go wondering at that time of night!! That seems to be the most effective way to distract myself! It must work in other ways too because i am still alive!! mg:

 

[MHealthJo]

Oh wow, great work taking part in the class! That's excellent!

Argh, I know, it is such a shame that sometimes we find an activity or something that is quite helpful, but it may not be suitable for some times or situations. Such a shame isn't it.

Yeah, video games have sometimes been a bit of a saviour for me and it is interesting that you mention 'wandering around' - because the games I have used most often would be adventure or role-playing games, and guess what you do in those? Exploring and wandering around!! And I could do it anytime, day or night. Fascinating characters and stories and beautiful worlds to explore - a nice, very absorbing haven to go to. They keep minds (and hands!) busy. I even found the very easiest, non-brain taxing ones out there, for when concentration is difficult and the brain is kinda tired. For that purpose I would have to recommend the older Final Fantasy games - a lot of it is just choosing things from a menu, or seeing the dialogue play out. No co-ordination or skill needed!!

Its not everybodys cup of tea but if you are interested in having a go, private message me and I would be very happy to explain how you can find and use them. There is also a site called virtualnes.com, where you can play old games from the old Nintendo Entertainment System from the 80s! Haha.... nostalgia...

Hope you find some ways to help a bit with those really hard times at night.... so sorry you have such bad nightmares too.... I wonder what your doctor might recommend for that.... Swisse brand has a very good natural sleep/anxiety/relaxation supplement; I have no idea how much taking one or two of them might or might not make a difference for you at night time or during sleep... Not sure, maybe you have already tried some things like that...

xx