It scares me

[David Baxter PhD]

Put myself first then they will make me pay do you understand.

Nonsense. What you are really afraid of is that if you stop being a caretaker you will disappear. They won't make you pay. You fear that YOU will make you pay, because then you will have to face who you are when you're not defining yourself by other people. And what if you don't like the person you see? That's what keeps you stuck.

Im sorry i am so weak and tired and i just want the past to go away

Of course you do, but it won't. As my mother used to say, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride". Wishing won't change anything. Change takes commitment and effort.

I hate myself so much ihate where i am

Then move forward away from that person you hate to a person you could become that you might not hate... No one keeps you stuck there except you.

I was a somebody I was important i showed them all now i am tired I have nothing more to prove to anybody.

Is that really what made you important, a somebody? Was it all about defining yourself in the shadow of other people? What would happen if you stepped out of that shadopw and out of that role? Who would you be then?

 

[forgetmenot]

All very good questions to think about some i have answers to others not yet. I know something inside me made me fight to escape a past of shame of anger of pain. I became a nurse because i didn't want others to suffer. I only know who i am and that is a carer that is what defines me. Move on from the person i hate oh god i thought i did she was left behind i thought i did. It was all about showing others these people who were professionals who were in authority who were suppose to protect and care but didn't It was to show them all i didn't need them i would become someone even without them. I have a hard time trusting these dam professionals these people who i cant do this i have so much hate anger inside me. I don't need anyone i am a survivor i am she wasnt she still isn't she cries over nothing. I am a survivor. I will continue to look over these questions Dr Baxter continue to think about what it is you are saying to me. I am trying to understand change does not happen over night but i am trying to see more clearly thats all i can do is to keep trying thanks for giving me something to think about.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Of course she's not left behind, Violet. You just said a couple of posts ago that you hate the person you are now. Those professionals are not the real targets of your hate - the real problem here is self-hatred.

 

[forgetmenot]

Okay yeh self hatred a big thing i do hate me so much for being so dam weak. I hate me for letting this dam pain back in for letting them hurt me all over again. I don't know just need to heal a guess but there is much confusion and i really don't know who me is anymore. I thought i was someone strong and i am finding out i am so weak at times and i hate being weak. I just want the pain to go away its so real yet i know its over all of it Logic knows it is over so get on with living now right.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think it goes beyond that. And you know by now it's not just going to go away. If that were possible, it would already be gone.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks your right its not going to go away. It keeps coming back in pieces in fragments and instead of facing it i run and hide pretend its not there. I hope with this therapy it will eventually work out and i know i will eventually have to face the demons and i pray god will this time be there to get me threw it. My twin was always the strong one i tried to be oh god im sorry i know i have to keep going but as stated before the shame i hope have the strength to do this i really do as i need this to end so i can move forward. Thanks again for your responses Jazzey and Dr Baxter thanks for caring and listening and seeing. okay thanks.

 

[forgetmenot]

If i stop being the carer the nurse the pain comes.
Invisibility sometimes that was a good thing either times not so good.
The only way for me to stay stable is to stay the person i became to undue my past.
I can't deal with this child inside I can't deal with her anger her pain. I don't know why i hate her so much but i do.
I hold no hatred towards anyone except me and the professional who did nothing.
I can't stop being a carer do you understand if i stop i would be noone.
Your right i do not like the person i see at all. I can at least respect the nurse and the care giver they are useful they take others pain away.
Tonight after yet another trigger i understand i cannot live with this child inside somehow i need to get control and keep it somehow.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Violet:

See The Child Within: PsychLinks.ca

This is from the book I suggested for your husband. Perhaps it would also be helpful for you.

 

[Jazzey]

Violet, I don't know if you've realized it, but you may have inadvertently answered your own question in your post. By being the 'carer' you never have to deal with all that pain and anger that you feel. It's, in a way, a good cushion for you to stay in this role that you've 'created' for yourself as a coping strategy for all you've been through, a role that is (in a way at least) comfortable because you don't have to go exploring yourself and feeling the pain.

But, as you yourself have expressed - you are feeling the pain, you are not handling the situation of being a 'carer'. So, maybe being a carer is a far too heavy price to pay for your past tragedies? Maybe THE solution is to stop being the carer and accept the path that you need to take to get better so that you no longer have to feel the pain? I only see one solution here Violet. It's won't be 'comfortable', but you're worthy of the end result.

 

[forgetmenot]

I understand i see my doctor again soon I will get the book for me thanks i will get control again If it weren't for the triggers i would stay well. as i always have. She is not real only in my mind she is so i can handle this i can make this better Thanks again