It's my time to go...

[kelsischanging]

It's my time to go. I've been planning my suicide for about three weeks now and I was orginally going to wait another month so my sister would be home from Austraila but I just can't wait that long. Despite working with my therapist, pastor, and psychiatrist nothing has helped me move past these feelings. I'm ready to go. My letters are written, my funeral is planned...it's my time....all hope in my life has drained out of me...I have no hope of every reaching a health/normal weight, my relationships with pretty much everyone are shattered....I was going to graduate from college in Dec. but I have been having no luck finding a job....when all hope is gone what is the point of going on....this is it...I'm ready.

 

[Daniel E.]

Despite working with my therapist, pastor, and psychiatrist nothing has helped me move past these feelings.

Do you notice these feelings strengthen and then come down somewhat? That's what always happens.

but I have been having no luck finding a job....

You don't need a job to live or even to be happy. You just need food and water and enough time to work out your feelings/thoughts.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The fact that you're posting here tells me that you're not n100% convinced this is what you want to do.

See:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/4972-suicide-crisis-resources.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/1657-suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-resources.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/1921-when-you-feel-you-cant-go-on.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/17184-12-ways-to-keep-going.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/...e-dont-let-despair-obscure-other-options.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/17702-thinking-about-suicide-how-to-keep-yourself-safe.html

You've obviously been putting quite a bit of time and effort into planning how you could end your life. How about putting even 10% of that effort into thinking some more about looking for other (and better) solutions?

Out of curiosity: Why did you want to wait until your sister was back? And what changed your mind?

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Kelseym hard place to be where you are i know but there is hope okay i know it does not feel like it but there is. Talk with your doctors okay tell them how depressed you are The job will come eventually it takes time Kelsey okay I have had a plan for awhile now but could not do that to the ones i love. Your sister she will see you soon and will be there to help you through the hard times. You are ready this time for what i can tell you there is no hope there it is just nothingness. i hope you can hold on okay talk to crisis your doctor get your meds checked okay. The job give it time it will happen like everything else in life nothing comes easy. Please pm me anytime Kelsym i know what it like i do fighting that darkness but you don't have to fight it alone okay. Time to reach out now for help before depression gets even deeper. Can you please just call crisis okay talk just talk to them as they do help you see there is hope it just sometimes takes awhile to show itself.

 

[kelsischanging]

Dr. Baxter, my sister is in Austraila for a semester abroad with her school so I was going to wait b/c I didn't want to ruin that experience for her by having her have to come home early....but now it just seems like it's too long to wait...I can't deal with the pain for another month...as things continue to slide down hill.

 

[Daniel E.]

I can't deal with the pain for another month...

What about proactive coping skills, e.g.

Mindfulness
Distracting and Self-Soothing
Improving the Moment and Pros & Cons
Opposite Action (similar to behavior therapy in CBT)
Radical Acceptance

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I can't deal with the pain for another month...

Actually, you can. It's just that you don't want to. And being in the grip of depression, you are overwhelmed with negative feelings and distorted perceptions of your situation.

Start with the crisis centers. They do help.

Then start looking at the thoughts and perceptions you are repeating to yourself: They are not accurate or realistic. They are part of depression.

You mention a psychiatrist and a therapist. What medications have you tried? What are you currently taking? What sort of therapy have you tried? How long have you been in treatment? When did you last have an appointment?

Call your therapist or your psychiatrist. Tell them you need an urgent appointment.

 

[kelsischanging]

Dr. Baxter
I have been on 16 different medications since I was 14 (I'm 23 now)...currently I'm on Tegretol, Celexa, Klonopin, and Seroquel(which they just increased the dose)...I have been seeing my current therapist since I was 16...I saw a different therapist from ages 9-11 after my dad died and from 14-15 when I was hospitalized for an eating disorder.

I definitely feel like I can't deal with the pain for another month but what you said about that I can I just don't want to made me think....I know I'm not looking at thing realistically or rationally bc usually I am an extremely rational person....I know this is the grip of depression and that if I give myself a chance I will most likely come out of it...the thing is I'm sick of the cycle of mania, stabilized, and depression....even if I do come out of this depression, it will only be for a while and then I'll be back...I can't live with the cycle any longer...

I see my therapist on Wednesday and I just saw my psychiatrist on Friday.

 

[Daniel E.]

I know this is the grip of depression and that if I give myself a chance I will most likely come out of it...the thing is I'm sick of the cycle of mania, stabilized, and depression...

BTW:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/bipolar-disorder/23617-waiting-for-the-crash.html#post172571

even if I do come out of this depression, it will only be for a while and then I'll be back...I can't live with the cycle any longer...

See:

"Nothing Works Out: How to Challenge Your Hopelessness"

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/depression/24660-challenging-your-hopelessness.html

Also, the Feeling Good book by Dr. Burns has at least one chapter on the feeling of hopelessness in suicidal thinking:

"Defeating Hopelessness & Suicide"

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What are the training background and qualifications of your therapist, kelsey?

 

[kelsischanging]

He has a masters degree in psychology and is a licensed psychologist. He works for an extremely reputable organization in my area.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You've been seeing him for 7 years. Have you seen any improvement in that time?

 

[kelsischanging]

I have seen improvement...when I first started seeing him I was only diagnosed with depression and it wasn't until two and half years later that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder...then I went away to college and in feb. of my freshmen year of college I tried to commit suicide....after being in the hospital for 3 weeks and then doing an intensive day program I went back to seeing him and he helped me get my life back together and start college again at a school closer to my home...out of the 3 therapists i have seen he is the only one i have been able to be honest with....I guess I need to start really telling him how bad my suicidal thoughts are and how much time I am devoting to thinking/working on this...I guess I hold back information b/c I don't want to be hospitalized...i do trust him which is big for me b/c i do have some trust issues...he helped me put my life back together before, maybe I need to let him help me do that again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Indeed. If he's been able to help you previously, there's no reason to assume he can't help you again. But as you just said, he can't help you fully if you withhold information.

 

[forgetmenot]

You can get some stability again Kelsym you can phone your doctor okay get an earlier appointment and see what can be done to help you get rid of these thoughts okay I am glad you can see it is just your illness talking here and you know your doctor has been successful before and he will be again in helping you.
23 years old you have lots of time for a job a career Others live very productive lives with mental illness so can you okay Hope you call your doctor soon okay take care

 

[Always Changing]

Hi Kelsym,
I hope you get to feeling better soon, been where you are and I know it is not easy to come clean about how your thinking etc. If you find that trying to actually say it is too hard maybe you can write it down and give to him, then take it from there.

Let us know how you got on.
:hug:

 

[kelsischanging]

I met with my therapist today and was very honest with him...this then resulted in me having to manipulate my way out of not being hospitalized against my will...I told him I'm going to be home alone this weekend (I live w/ my parents while I finish college but they will be out of town this weekend)....my therapist did not like the idea of me being alone b/c it's still really bad...I basically told him that I'll probably harm myself in some way...probably not in a way that would end my life but it will probably be some sort of self injury (which I have struggled with in the past)...

I had to promise him that I would check in with my pastor and that I would stay at a friends house...I promised him I would do that but I'm not planning on following through with either of those things....I think this situation just brings out the manipulator in me....I have been manipulating people since I was a young teenager and it's hard for me to fight the urges to do that...I don't know if it's a control thing or what but I love manipulation... sad I know