It's been a while. And I feel like posting; why not?
As you may or may not know, I'm in an independent study program, and I've been really trying to graduate early. Especially to make up lost time; I swear I should've been put into an independent study program long ago. I'm not kidding when I think I could've graduated from highschool at the age of fourteen if I had the chance... So when I am fourteen next year, I'll still be in the ninth grade. Crimaney, all the possibilities, opportunities I've missed...
Well anyway, I guess I've really cemented the fact that I've disowned/hate my family. At least with my mother. I finally mustered the will to remove all the family pictures from the frames in my room. I also put my mattress up on the desk/bunk bed (they've been promising my a mattress that'd fit the bunk for over a year, so I've decided to take things into my own hands), along with the covers and the pillow. After that, I went to my local bookstore to do some work in physical science. Five hours later, went back home, and after a few hours mother here finally realized that all the pictures were out of their frames and asked where they were. Denied to divulge an information at first, but the second or third time she asked me I took out the pictures and she took everything away. And... I guess maybe it's been two hours now since that happened. She hasn't asked me why I've done things yet, and to my knowledge she hasn't told my father about the incident.
I've hated my family since... How long have I hated my family? I'm not sure. But what really was the kicker (the final straw) was when I learned my vehemently opposed to gay marriage a four days ago (she was discussing California Proposition 8 with her mother, which on the California General Election Ballot is titled "Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry"). This... It really disturbed me. For those of you with anxiety disorders, you know how rejection feels... Your chest feels funny, your hair stands up, you're breathless, it feels like you're going to cry and vomit at the same time... It was like that. I thought things like, "What did I do wrong," "Why," "I'm not a bad person," "it's not m fault," "get away from me," "don't touch me," "I don't want to hear anything anymore," "I can't stop crying I'm weak," and... And more things. ...And after fifteen minutes of crying into my pillow in despair, insecurity, and utter hopelessness, I stopped. And I suddenly started getting mad... I vented this anger through taking new pencils (unsharpened) and ramming them into the walls of my room, my computer table, and my computer chair. I left rips in my chair, relatively deep depressions in my walls, and parts of my desk look chafed. And I've been doing that for the last four days... Which has led up to me disowning my family and then visiting my local bookstore to do some work, et cetera.
It's funny. After taking out the pictures, I really don't feel better or worse. I just... it was just on a whim. And concerning my family's feelings? I couldn't care less. I couldn't care less about them, unless it affects me. For example, I don't care about my little brothers' futures, but if they get into some sort of accident and have to be hospitalized, I'll be concerned becaus of health care bills. And, If I had to live with another family, it'd be fine by me as long as I get to bring all of my things and my kitten.
...I've had a history of being extremely sensitive to what my family thinks about me... And not just them. About everyone. I've always tried innovating academically... I've always put myself down for not being good enough. For not overachieving enough. For not receiving enough praise. I'd always cry, thinking I'm a (relative) failure because I wasn't good enough (even though I've always gotten top marks in academic subjects...) I feared criticism. Any time I received (unconstructive) criticism I'd get this urge to curl up into fetal position and lock myself in my closet. Which I actually have.
All of that history? It's history. I don't think I feel like that anymore; I don't care about what my family feels, thinks, or what anyone is feeling or thinking, unless it affects what I want. Though praise will always be a plus to me. But otherwise... I'm totally apathetic. I feel like doing whatever I want to do on a whim; if I feel like running around the mall wearing a a tutu spandex costume and flailing my arms proclaiming "the Scots are falling the Scots are falling," then by the gods, I'll do it.
I'm really starting to question whether I actually need any sort of familial support to become successful in life. I've tried monopolizing every aspect of my life that I can; my diet, my time management, my education, my room, my income, my investments, everything I can. And it looks like I'm becoming successful. I have a job, and I'm getting ahead in my education. No thanks to my family. (I was the one who decided to go with the independent study program!)
...So there you have it. To sum it up I've become an impetuous, jaded, independent, self-absorbed, relatively successful thirteen-year-old girl. I think the greatest thing about this is the sudden numbness; I'm not as stressed out as I used to be. That means I probably won't get any worry lines this year as I did last year.
As you may or may not know, I'm in an independent study program, and I've been really trying to graduate early. Especially to make up lost time; I swear I should've been put into an independent study program long ago. I'm not kidding when I think I could've graduated from highschool at the age of fourteen if I had the chance... So when I am fourteen next year, I'll still be in the ninth grade. Crimaney, all the possibilities, opportunities I've missed...
Well anyway, I guess I've really cemented the fact that I've disowned/hate my family. At least with my mother. I finally mustered the will to remove all the family pictures from the frames in my room. I also put my mattress up on the desk/bunk bed (they've been promising my a mattress that'd fit the bunk for over a year, so I've decided to take things into my own hands), along with the covers and the pillow. After that, I went to my local bookstore to do some work in physical science. Five hours later, went back home, and after a few hours mother here finally realized that all the pictures were out of their frames and asked where they were. Denied to divulge an information at first, but the second or third time she asked me I took out the pictures and she took everything away. And... I guess maybe it's been two hours now since that happened. She hasn't asked me why I've done things yet, and to my knowledge she hasn't told my father about the incident.
I've hated my family since... How long have I hated my family? I'm not sure. But what really was the kicker (the final straw) was when I learned my vehemently opposed to gay marriage a four days ago (she was discussing California Proposition 8 with her mother, which on the California General Election Ballot is titled "Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry"). This... It really disturbed me. For those of you with anxiety disorders, you know how rejection feels... Your chest feels funny, your hair stands up, you're breathless, it feels like you're going to cry and vomit at the same time... It was like that. I thought things like, "What did I do wrong," "Why," "I'm not a bad person," "it's not m fault," "get away from me," "don't touch me," "I don't want to hear anything anymore," "I can't stop crying I'm weak," and... And more things. ...And after fifteen minutes of crying into my pillow in despair, insecurity, and utter hopelessness, I stopped. And I suddenly started getting mad... I vented this anger through taking new pencils (unsharpened) and ramming them into the walls of my room, my computer table, and my computer chair. I left rips in my chair, relatively deep depressions in my walls, and parts of my desk look chafed. And I've been doing that for the last four days... Which has led up to me disowning my family and then visiting my local bookstore to do some work, et cetera.
It's funny. After taking out the pictures, I really don't feel better or worse. I just... it was just on a whim. And concerning my family's feelings? I couldn't care less. I couldn't care less about them, unless it affects me. For example, I don't care about my little brothers' futures, but if they get into some sort of accident and have to be hospitalized, I'll be concerned becaus of health care bills. And, If I had to live with another family, it'd be fine by me as long as I get to bring all of my things and my kitten.
...I've had a history of being extremely sensitive to what my family thinks about me... And not just them. About everyone. I've always tried innovating academically... I've always put myself down for not being good enough. For not overachieving enough. For not receiving enough praise. I'd always cry, thinking I'm a (relative) failure because I wasn't good enough (even though I've always gotten top marks in academic subjects...) I feared criticism. Any time I received (unconstructive) criticism I'd get this urge to curl up into fetal position and lock myself in my closet. Which I actually have.
All of that history? It's history. I don't think I feel like that anymore; I don't care about what my family feels, thinks, or what anyone is feeling or thinking, unless it affects what I want. Though praise will always be a plus to me. But otherwise... I'm totally apathetic. I feel like doing whatever I want to do on a whim; if I feel like running around the mall wearing a a tutu spandex costume and flailing my arms proclaiming "the Scots are falling the Scots are falling," then by the gods, I'll do it.
I'm really starting to question whether I actually need any sort of familial support to become successful in life. I've tried monopolizing every aspect of my life that I can; my diet, my time management, my education, my room, my income, my investments, everything I can. And it looks like I'm becoming successful. I have a job, and I'm getting ahead in my education. No thanks to my family. (I was the one who decided to go with the independent study program!)
...So there you have it. To sum it up I've become an impetuous, jaded, independent, self-absorbed, relatively successful thirteen-year-old girl. I think the greatest thing about this is the sudden numbness; I'm not as stressed out as I used to be. That means I probably won't get any worry lines this year as I did last year.
Mari
