Judgement of People

[bloodwood]

In many ways I'm kind of average. My background carries some pain but in general...average.

I go through my life day-to-day meeting and encountering other people - some I like, some I don't and some I put on the mental backburner. It could be an encounter of passing in a hallway, a friend of a friend or another driver in traffic. It doesn't matter but there are many encounters most days. One thing about it is that I find it is pretty easy to dislike people quickly. Sometime you may like the person or something about them quickly but it is less easy for many people I think.

As I am going through my day aware that I am casually liking or disliking passing people I encounter, I ask myself how valid or fair the judgement is. Certainly it means I miss an opportunity but more than that it puts an unhealthy guard up and you can find it more and more easy to dislike on a whim.

I have seen the nicest people do this. Dislike on a whim and make a comment about it. It is even something our parents may have trained us to do. It is usually something we do without even questioning. We judge and condemn and move on. It can be a heavy judgment or something very light, even superficial. It doesn't matter, we just do it. It is not usually healthy for us and can leave us feeling negative about the world.

It is not all bad because for our well-being we must judge others and situations. But how realistic or fair are we being in some cases. How healthy is it.
I began asking myself about it some time ago and began watching my reactions as I met and judged. I began to see that often enough the judgement was not really based on anything valid or fair. Their appearance, their reaction when I blew my horn, their facial or verbal reactions to things around them, something they did. Sometimes what I saw gave me a kneejerk emotional reaction. Sometimes based on my own bias or past experienced..an event.

I remember a new staff member came to us and something about them just didn't seem right. How they carried themselves? How they interacted?
So I decided I was going to try to start cutting people some slack. I was going to consciously try to question my reaction when it occurred.
Two of the methods I used was to actively reserve judgement and to compare myself.

When you actively reserve judgement you set it aside for a time. So meet this person with an open heart and honestly try to see them. Await more information about them and over time ask yourself if the preliminary judgement was fair or unfair. You would want the same openness from others so give it yourself. Allow them to show you who they are with time and judge them based on that, not on a knee jerk reaction. Start with openness rather than starting with superficial judgement which they have to un-earn. It takes a concious effort.

Comparing yourself is a different matter. Actively reserving judgement doesn't work too well when you are interacting in traffic or passing in a store. It is a one time encounter. Sometimes I see someone do something in traffic or even do to me. Sometimes I see someone interact with a store clerk or customer. Sometimes a young person sneers at a slower older person or a harried individual snaps at a person in a crowd. Or they carry themselves in a haughty manner.

And as usual I judge them. But now I compare myself too: Have I ever, in all honesty with myself, behaved in that manner in a similar situation? And I have to be honest with myself. No one will know. This is all in my head. It's my secret.

What I found, more and more, is that I can remember behaving in that same way at some point. Maybe I was stressed, depressed, angry about other things, worried. But in spite of my own ego I have to admit that during my life I have snapped at clerks, customers, drivers, family. I have cut off other drivers, turned with out signalling, and worse. I have behaved in a haughty manner due to my own self doubt. I have never taken a life but I am not innocent and I am human. I have stolen things. I have been intentionally unkind. All of these things are wrong and I try to be a better person but at one point I did them as that passing stranger is doing them now. I did them.

How bad can that person be based on something which I myself have done? And I am not a terrible person. Just flawed and human. Actively reserve judgement and compare yourself. You don't always have to demonized or judge other people. You can give them the benefit of the doubt and allow them to be flawed and human and OK. Maybe even let them be a friend. You will feel less negative about your world because suddenly those around you aren't all bad.

 

[W00BY]

I have learned that my judgementalism comes from people resonating in a negative way with something within me they remind me of some horrible past experience or person who was horrible and I am transferring onto them something within me.

It is a struggle to keep it in check but through recognizing patterns and paying attention to inner emotions I can keep in control of it I think also as a result of my studies and therapy I recognize other peoples behaviour that leads to my judgement is generally because of unresolved issues within them and I now see it as them compensating in some way which makes me feel empathy and sympathy rather than judgement.

I think being judgmental is a natural part of life and it is there as part of self protection and I trust my judgement but I do have to think seriously about how would I feel if they were thinking that way about me sometimes because I hate being judged myself! *squinty face*

 

[bloodwood]

I can understand that. Having recognized this you can resist that judgment without thinking deeply about the cause. Though knowing the cause, for me, helps. Most of us are like you.
I agree that who we are makes this harder sometimes because were are so burned out continually monitoring ourselves.
To recognize that something within us - anything - causes us to possibly jump to an unfair conclusion about those around us is the key.

I trust my judgement very much but I also know that because I am human, sometimes I judge people unfairly. New encounters and even people I have known for years. It sounds like you are a compassionate person and try to work at this stuff.

 

[W00BY]

Your right self monitoring is exhaustive and certainly a life long skill as soon as you think you've got it down your proved wrong hehe

 

[Darkside]

@bloodwood.

What you have written is fascinating. You could develop that entire idea into something very substantial.

I "think" that many people do this same thing but are not aware of it. Sometimes awareness is a curse but for the most part it gives us more peace than lack of awareness. It leads to growth. One aspect that you did not mention is something that I do. That is, when I find myself forming judgments about other people it usually means that I am forming judgments about myself. For me the faces of people are sometimes a mirror on which I see parts of myself that I don't like.

For example, if I see someone cut me off in my lane of travel on the way to work in the morning, and I become angry and resentful and think harshly of the other person, it is sometimes because I have done the same thing but did not realize it. So, like you, I try to withhold judgment because in judging other I may have judged myself. If I withhold judgment of someone else, if I show them compassion and empathy for their situation, I am doing the same thing for myself.

It isn't easy to do.

 

[MHealthJo]

I have sometimes read that when people find ways to compassionately love and accept their own humanness more, and be kind about their own flaws or mistakes (even though it's important to keep working on improvement of course), they often automatically become better at transferring the same way of thinking outward when they think of others, too. I've seen it in action too.

 

[Darkside]

I think that is true Jo. I was thinking about that today. If I can learn to be kinder and more forgiving of myself for my mistakes I might find it easier to be kinder and more forgiving of other people's mistakes. Then the world will seem less threatening because even if another judges me harshly it won't matter as much.

 

[Banned]

It also takes a lot of stress off. This is something I had to learn and apply in my own life, Darkside, and it really does make a difference. You just find a certain peace that wasn't there before. It's also helped me to become far less judgmental of others.

I hope this his is something you can work on. You will both feel a difference and make a difference.

 

[Darkside]

It really does take a lot of stress off ... but for me it has to do with temperament and decades of conditioning. Old habits die hard sometimes. But the logic of it appeals to me. I can't control people who are mean to me, but if I decide I like myself, and determine to be kind to myself, what others say and do has less impact.

It really isn't "about me."

The other aspect is the mirroring. Sometimes what I fear the most "out there" is really going on "in here." I believe that there is an internal and external component to just about everything we perceive - especially in relationships.

This is not to say that I can or even should get along with everyone. Some people are just mean and spiteful no matter what we do or say ... or even how much we like ourselves. I have tried (and it isn't easy) to put up boundaries with people that I find difficult and let them down with people I find genuine and true.

It's been eye opening.

 

[bloodwood]

I agree it is not easy and like any retraining it takes a lot of time. I often fail at it or just can't be bothered and sometimes it is just nice to let yourself be angry and let it all out. I feel lately that I have not been doing well at this struggle. I just get tired of myself getting angry or judging people unfairly and wanted to find some valid way to equalize things. I also found myself disliking when others judged people based on a lack of understanding/life experience/intolerance

As you say it is less stressful if you can find some way to forgive or accept. When I'm hyping myself up for anger and I think of a reason to forgive or accept I feel the anger just float away and my body relaxes. That is part of the payoff. The other part is that if I had gotten angry and reacted poorly I would have disliked myself for that and this way I don''t get to that point. It is important that the reason you are forgiving is valid or it just feels empty.

And as with choosing not to judge someone the reason must feel valid to you. Then as with all cognitively based learning it gradually becomes more natural and unconscious. After all you are defying what seems like a natural/learned way of thinking so it takes effort at first.

I sometimes think of someone like Sister Teresa, a saintly soul, and think of how she must have struggled sometimes not to smack some people. Ghandi. I bet he wanted to kick a barking dog when he was trying to sleep. They must have struggled to find reasons to forgive and behave the way that they felt was right. Everybody has the same struggle unless they have decided that they truly don't care and are OK hurting others. My girlfriend is a wonderful example I use in how she accepts others and gets the job done and makes them feel good.

Darkside you said it well. You can't control other people or make them like you or make them nice people but you can decide how you are going to behave and try to live with yourself based on that. I like that saying about surrounding yourself with people you like and admire. And avoid those who are vexations of the spirit. I think that was Desiderata.

Focusing of the payoff that make all the effort worth while - you feel better and other people feel better.

I'm going to petition someone important to make it easier to be human.