HotthenCold
Member
I?m going to finish this post! I?m not going to simply give up in frustration and hopelessness, delete it, and walk away to choke on extra item I not have on my ?why I suck? list.
I?m sitting here, on a day off, nearing the end of a two week holiday. I got home last from visiting my parents in the next province over for a week. It was beautiful, I saw some friends there, and had a nice time with my parents. But things aren?t all rosy. I got very drunk, and indulged in some other stuff while I was there. I know that I can?t do either, as they screw me right up, but yet I did. I?m an addict/alcoholic.
There is other stuff going on with me. But substance abuse throws away any hope I have of finding a happier life. It is like a fog that rolls in and obscures the sign posts that would direct me to somewhere more stable.
Right now I?m in a very high pressure situation, even if it?s only internal pressure. But just releasing the pressure valve isn?t so easy. The things that cause pressure are a lot of bad habits, and lofty goals I?ve set for myself, which aren?t so easy to just ditch.
So I find myself in this place where I have all of these things I think I should do to make me happy, but underneath it all is a listlessness, lethargy, lack of motivation, irritability, lack of faith, etc etc etc (call it depression I guess), that has been with me since my early teen years. And to add to that mix, I regularly dig my self a little deeper in every sense of the word by abusing drugs and alcohol to numb the inner pain.
Right now I?m on the dark end of that spectrum, and forget how things could ever be better. But in recent years I?ve been doing a lot of work to change, and so in that time I?ve experienced the greatest moments of joy and hope that I?ve ever felt. But from this vantage point I think ?how did I ever get to that happy place? Where did I go wrong??.
Well, I know that one logical place to start is addiction. I need to get over that.
But..
But?s are so lame, and total cop outs, but they are also my biggest stumbling blocks, so I can denigrate myself for having them, or acknowledge that they come up and discuss them, analyze them, find ways around them.
The ?Buts? are like this:
I want to drink/do drugs because I?m in the grip of some kind of anxiety or sadness. But if I quit now, then I have to face that my party days are over, and they are the only thing that really feels good (lie). Caveat: when they are good, they are great, but over all it is not healthy, but the great experiences are this anchor I can use to convince myself I?m ?living to the fullest?.
If I face my party days are over, then I?m going to be boring, unknown. Plus I?ve started down this path of being a DJ, and although I know I can quit at anytime, or put it on hold until I figure out how to do it sober, there is still this idea of who I should be, and letting that go isn?t so easy. Part of me really wants to be a dj.
Also, if I get sober, I?ll have to (at least temporarily) stop hanging out with all of my friends, again. I did it before when I got sober, and I just got really bad FOMO and got really bored. And it wasn?t for lack of creating a new life. I was doing awesome stuff in sobriety I?d never done before. But the pull of ?the party? is mighty.
I think I could probably do much better in sobriety this time in terms of feeling like I was ?alive? even though I was missing the party, but still, the draw of ?the party? is immense. Not only do I want to give in because it is fun (before the hangover, of course) but I worry if I just casually dismiss the power it holds, I risk letting is blindside me later on and drag me back in. Don?t take your eye off the enemy, or something like that, is the logic here.
So after all this rambling, it?s clear that addiction is the biggest stumbling block right now. Perfection is right up there, but other major players are anxiety, OCD, obsessive regret/embarrassment, intense feelings of rejection/shame, rage, paranoia (like leaving the house is often a chore because I feel so judged and mocked), annnnd good old ?depression?. I?m not a fan of this label depression since it comes with a lot of misconceptions, i.e- that if I ever smile or am productive then I?m not actually depressed, haaahahahahaha good one. ?yup, sure I feel like brushing my teeth is like climbing mount Everest and the whole world hates me and thinks I?m pathetic and the mere thought of the things I have to do to live a responsible life sends paralyzing thoughts of failure of my spine, and thoughts of mortality and the state of the world come along and crush out any remaining serenity, but hey, there?s nothing wrong, suck it up, ya first world brat!?
Ok. Today I will study, clean my apartment, do laundry, get groceries, and above all, I will be ok with what I do, instead of feel like my existence is sorely lacking in anything resembling ?the good life? and choose to think positive, grateful thoughts, instead of folding in to this impossible, self sustaining, perpetual negativity machine that wants to own my mind.
I?m sitting here, on a day off, nearing the end of a two week holiday. I got home last from visiting my parents in the next province over for a week. It was beautiful, I saw some friends there, and had a nice time with my parents. But things aren?t all rosy. I got very drunk, and indulged in some other stuff while I was there. I know that I can?t do either, as they screw me right up, but yet I did. I?m an addict/alcoholic.
There is other stuff going on with me. But substance abuse throws away any hope I have of finding a happier life. It is like a fog that rolls in and obscures the sign posts that would direct me to somewhere more stable.
Right now I?m in a very high pressure situation, even if it?s only internal pressure. But just releasing the pressure valve isn?t so easy. The things that cause pressure are a lot of bad habits, and lofty goals I?ve set for myself, which aren?t so easy to just ditch.
So I find myself in this place where I have all of these things I think I should do to make me happy, but underneath it all is a listlessness, lethargy, lack of motivation, irritability, lack of faith, etc etc etc (call it depression I guess), that has been with me since my early teen years. And to add to that mix, I regularly dig my self a little deeper in every sense of the word by abusing drugs and alcohol to numb the inner pain.
Right now I?m on the dark end of that spectrum, and forget how things could ever be better. But in recent years I?ve been doing a lot of work to change, and so in that time I?ve experienced the greatest moments of joy and hope that I?ve ever felt. But from this vantage point I think ?how did I ever get to that happy place? Where did I go wrong??.
Well, I know that one logical place to start is addiction. I need to get over that.
But..
But?s are so lame, and total cop outs, but they are also my biggest stumbling blocks, so I can denigrate myself for having them, or acknowledge that they come up and discuss them, analyze them, find ways around them.
The ?Buts? are like this:
I want to drink/do drugs because I?m in the grip of some kind of anxiety or sadness. But if I quit now, then I have to face that my party days are over, and they are the only thing that really feels good (lie). Caveat: when they are good, they are great, but over all it is not healthy, but the great experiences are this anchor I can use to convince myself I?m ?living to the fullest?.
If I face my party days are over, then I?m going to be boring, unknown. Plus I?ve started down this path of being a DJ, and although I know I can quit at anytime, or put it on hold until I figure out how to do it sober, there is still this idea of who I should be, and letting that go isn?t so easy. Part of me really wants to be a dj.
Also, if I get sober, I?ll have to (at least temporarily) stop hanging out with all of my friends, again. I did it before when I got sober, and I just got really bad FOMO and got really bored. And it wasn?t for lack of creating a new life. I was doing awesome stuff in sobriety I?d never done before. But the pull of ?the party? is mighty.
I think I could probably do much better in sobriety this time in terms of feeling like I was ?alive? even though I was missing the party, but still, the draw of ?the party? is immense. Not only do I want to give in because it is fun (before the hangover, of course) but I worry if I just casually dismiss the power it holds, I risk letting is blindside me later on and drag me back in. Don?t take your eye off the enemy, or something like that, is the logic here.
So after all this rambling, it?s clear that addiction is the biggest stumbling block right now. Perfection is right up there, but other major players are anxiety, OCD, obsessive regret/embarrassment, intense feelings of rejection/shame, rage, paranoia (like leaving the house is often a chore because I feel so judged and mocked), annnnd good old ?depression?. I?m not a fan of this label depression since it comes with a lot of misconceptions, i.e- that if I ever smile or am productive then I?m not actually depressed, haaahahahahaha good one. ?yup, sure I feel like brushing my teeth is like climbing mount Everest and the whole world hates me and thinks I?m pathetic and the mere thought of the things I have to do to live a responsible life sends paralyzing thoughts of failure of my spine, and thoughts of mortality and the state of the world come along and crush out any remaining serenity, but hey, there?s nothing wrong, suck it up, ya first world brat!?
Ok. Today I will study, clean my apartment, do laundry, get groceries, and above all, I will be ok with what I do, instead of feel like my existence is sorely lacking in anything resembling ?the good life? and choose to think positive, grateful thoughts, instead of folding in to this impossible, self sustaining, perpetual negativity machine that wants to own my mind.
