Just get over yourself

[labyssum]

I emailed a close friend of mine, and opened up and told him I was feeling suicidal on and off again. And his response was- "Just get over yourself!!!"
How do I deal with a comment like that?

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: just get over yourself

It does remind me of the even more popular phrase "snap out of it." Such statements are made by people who are ignorant of mental health issues, and, as such, are more likely to play the blame game. (One advantage of blaming the victim is that it dissipates any obligation to provide emotional support.) It also reminds me of when people say shyness is due to selfishness, which is what some people had the nerve to tell me.

 

[Halo]

Re: just get over yourself

I can imagine that it must be hurtful and maddening when a friend says something like that however I would think that your friend has obviously never experienced suicidal feelings before and doesn't understand the hurt and pain that you are feeling right now. If he did then he wouldn't have said that to you. Just like Daniel said about the phrase....Just Snap Out of It

In my opinion there are two ways you can choose to go from here. Either you can look at him as someone who is nieve about mental illness and suicidal thoughts and feelings and really doesn't understand and try to help him understand further or you can just not rely on him as one of your people for support when dealing with your thoughts and feelings regarding suicide.

 

[ladylore]

Re: just get over yourself

What type of support system do you have right now? The supportive people are the ones you can turn to. In this type of situation you need all the positive reinforcements and support. Turn to them instead.

 

[Daniel E.]

And I don't think it's a coincidence that this comment was from a guy. Guys are less likely to experience depression and, as such, are more likely to be clueless about the whole thing. And it's hard enough for most people to understand depression, let alone suicidal thoughts. In other words, friends tend to make terrible therapists. Some close friends can be very supportive and knowledgeable, but I think that is more the exception than the rule, which is why there are public service announcements on TV and the web like:

Mental Illness: What A Difference A Friend Makes

 

[Halo]

And it's hard enough for most people to understand depression, let alone suicidal thoughts

:agree:

 

[labyssum]

Re: just get over yourself

What type of support system do you have right now? The supportive people are the ones you can turn to. In this type of situation you need all the positive reinforcements and support. Turn to them instead.

I have a good support system. I see a psych often, and talk to my mom a lot (very close relationship)...I'm just annoyed that when I open up to people, thats the response I get.

 

[braveheart]

What is this friend like to talk to, face to face, rather than by email? Email, by it's very nature, can incite kind of flippant and throw away comments, especially by those who don't understand and who are frightened maybe of the feelings you're talking about.

 

[labyssum]

What is this friend like to talk to, face to face, rather than by email? Email, by it's very nature, can incite kind of flippant and throw away comments, especially by those who don't understand and who are frightened maybe of the feelings you're talking about.

In person, he's a joker, always laughing and smiling. But when I'm dealing with any kind of pain, he can't handle it. I had a stomach ulcer when we were outside walking once, and I was almost in tears from the pain and he was annoyed and said to 'toughen up.'
:hissyfit:

 

[Daniel E.]

He sounds almost childish

 

[meagan80]

He sounds like my brother, which is the type that has no sympathy or caring for how anyone else is feeling, yet he himself is a very depressed, negative, unhappy person. I love him and accept him for who he is but would never expect any emotional or serious support from him, because I believe he has some major issue's and insecurities of his own and that is why he is this way, he does not know how to deal with pain and feelings. I am thinking this friend may be more of this type of person from the way it sounds, If I were you I would stick to your strong and understanding support groups, and try to understand that he just is not capable of dealing with those type of issues, since he probally cant even deal with his own. I hope you get to feeling better

 

[braveheart]

:agree: :goodpost: My dad used to be like that, but with age and distance and coping with my mum's stroke and recovery, he's mellowed and become more empathic with age.

Try and hold onto all the caring you receive. I understand how much it can knock you to receive such a response from him, but remember that he doesn't really know you because he's set up a barrier between himself and feelings. And your feelings are an important part of your experience.

 

[labyssum]

He sounds almost childish

Yes, he is very childish...Its quite annoying at times.
I still haven't heard back from him...I'm going to wait it out.

 

[Lana]

Hi Labyssum;

Have you considered telling him, seriously, that you found his comments insensitive and hurtful? Sometimes, people who are not aware of the condition dont' have the first clue of what to say or how to deal with it and rely on their usual manner of speech. Sometimes, they blow things off because it makes them uncomfortable.

I had a friend who used to do that. Or, she'd do the usualy, "well why don't you get out a bit more?" "why don't you volunteer" and "just lighten up and be happy" (my "fave") One day, I told her that I didn't like it and found her comments hurtful. She apologised and said that she has no idea how to deal with stuff like that, that it hurts her, and the only way she knows how to cope is to use humor.

We're still friends, but when I need supportive dialogue, she's not the person I go to out of respect for my own needs and hers also. And when I need a laugh -- there's no one better then she.

 

[Halo]

:goodpost:

 

[labyssum]

I actually just got another email from him saying that he hopes I am not mad at him, because he's the one who should be mad at me. WTF.
I don't know...
I'll just wait things out til he apologises.

Hi Labyssum;

Have you considered telling him, seriously, that you found his comments insensitive and hurtful? Sometimes, people who are not aware of the condition dont' have the first clue of what to say or how to deal with it and rely on their usual manner of speech. Sometimes, they blow things off because it makes them uncomfortable.

I had a friend who used to do that. Or, she'd do the usualy, "well why don't you get out a bit more?" "why don't you volunteer" and "just lighten up and be happy" (my "fave") One day, I told her that I didn't like it and found her comments hurtful. She apologised and said that she has no idea how to deal with stuff like that, that it hurts her, and the only way she knows how to cope is to use humor.

We're still friends, but when I need supportive dialogue, she's not the person I go to out of respect for my own needs and hers also. And when I need a laugh -- there's no one better then she.