Lady friend keeps husband's ashes

[Darkside]

I met a woman recently and we've been out a couple of times. I really like her too. Her husband died about 9 years ago - very tragically. Anyway, she keeps his ashes and several pictures in an urn at the foot of her bed. I find that a little strange and wonder if it means she doesn't have closure. She obviously loved him very much.

Maybe it is my problem, and I am admittedly wary and on alert because of past circumstances. But does anyone else find this odd to keep a deceased husband's ashes in the house and show them to guests?

Thanks.

 

[Banned]

Maybe I'm equally as odd but I don't find it odd. The placement - maybe. I'm not sure I'd keep them at the end of my bed but I would keep my mom's ashes on my bookshelf or in a safe place that would provide comfort. While I admit fully that a dog is not a human, I do have the ashes of three of my past dogs on my bookshelf. When the dog I was closest to died, I actually slept with his ashes for a few nights for comfort. I still, after all these years since they died (between 4 and 16 years) cannot bear to part with them.

I imagine as your lady friend moves on and continues to grieve and heal this process may change. She may never part with the ashes but maybe she will be able to move them from the bedside. Grief is not a process that can be rushed so if you are thinking about progressing in the relationship you ultimately need to be comfortable with where she is in her grief/healing and desire to hold on to some of her past.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Not necessarily. For some people it's a way of keeping the person's memory alive.

 

[Darkside]

What I really want to know is if she is ready to move on, but I guess I won't know until we get to know each other better. I've never gone out with someone who kept her husband's remains in the bedroom and I find it a little spooky.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The fact that she may want to keep her deceased husband close to her does not mean she does not want to or is unable to move on to a new relationship. They are entirely separate issues - unless you choose to make it an issue which would be inadvisable.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

If you were really really close to someone, and they seemed to really get you, and you felt your two souls were close, do you think you might keep ashes of someone in your house, too?

My gut tells me that she accepts this person is gone, or she wouldn't have the ashes. That's proof of his being physically gone. However, maybe consider that she wants something to remember; it's a symbol or a keepsake of something that was good, and still is good, in her heart. If you had something like this, how would you feel if someone pointed out that it was strange or that it was disapproved of?

 

[Darkside]

This is sound advice. If and when the relationship moves along I will have to decide if it bothers me too much. I would never demand that she bury him or remove the ashes. That wouldn't be right or fair.

 

[W00BY]

Those tangible things are all she has left
From my own experience of having buried a baby after him being stillborn at full term the pictures and little locks of hair etc I have mean so much to me
But there is also a fear of forgetting and I think a lot of the time this is what this behaviour is... a fear of forgetting the person and those things are reminders
In fact my main fear is of losing those pictures and things
As your relationship progresses I am sure it will naturally be discussed anyway.
And at that point you can make your mind up about the her reasoning and if it sits well with you or not.

 

[Darkside]

Those tangible things are all she has left
From my own experience of having buried a baby after him being stillborn at full term the pictures and little locks of hair etc I have mean so much to me
But there is also a fear of forgetting and I think a lot of the time this is what this behaviour is... a fear of forgetting the person and those things are reminders
In fact my main fear is of losing those pictures and things
As your relationship progresses I am sure it will naturally be discussed anyway.
And at that point you can make your mind up about the her reasoning and if it sits well with you or not.

Thanks. I see this now. This is not a part of her life she can just forget ... nor should she forget. In my mind I wondered what it meant, but now I don't think it means anything except that she lost her husband of 20+ years to cancer and that it took him 3 years to die and he died one night in the bed next to her. It's not something I would do, but I do see why someone else might. Asking the question here helped me understand something I could not relate to. Thanks to everyone.

I have to admit this also. A part of me was a little jealous; I was thinking ... "he's in the way." (or at least her memories of him are in the way) A normal human response I suppose, but if I had acted on it without understanding my own feelings it might have been a disaster.