dontthrowmeaway
Member
So this is kind of long and I guess it just a backstory about my depression and im not sure why im posting it. I guess I just would like any advice..
I have been dealing with depression since I was about 15. I'm almost 22 and even though I have learned a lot about myself and have over come a lot of problems from the past I have been having new problems that are really hard for me to deal with. Once I started my depression I was extremely suicidal and a cutter. I've been cutting off and on the past few years. I quit for about 2 and then I had started up again. Its been about 5 or 6 months since I've last cut and I usually do pretty well with coping when I get upset and I know deep down cutting isn't what I really want. But it is still there from time to time. Especially when things get hard.
Lately I've been getting a lot of panic attacks in the morning when I wake up, I tend to be a worrier and I let myself analazye everything to the extreme. Like the other day, I read something on a girls facebook and I started thinking that my bf was cheating on me with her. I got so worked up into my thoughts by the end of the work day I had worried so much I was sick, on the verge of a panic attack and could hardly breath. Turns out I was completely wrong about the whole situtation and I felt really stupid after I realized I had made myself physically sick the whole day because I let myself get carried away with the worst possible outcomes of what I thought was happening.
I will be doing perfectly fine until something triggers a worry and then I let myself continue to thing of the worst thing that could happen. Sometimes I can get myself back to reality and realize I am most likely over reacting and that I'm worrying about nothing. I understand worrying doesn't help anything and I've been reading up on worrying and how to control it. Some days are better than others, and im slowly starting to see that I am improving but sometimes I just fall back into a rut and I can't get myself out of it.
A lot of my problems as a teenager starting during the fall and winter. these are always hard times for me.
I was homeschooled throughout high school and I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18 and never really had that many friends. I went through a lot of self loathing and self esteem problems, I just felt like I was never good enough for anything. I never went to college, and every year for fall when my friends would start going I just felt like I was a complete failure and that I was too stupid to go to school.
I have realized that I don't really even want to go to college and I am starting to realize that I don't care what other people thing about that. Now when people ask me if I'm going to school I don't go into a deep depression of self loathing because I feel like a failure.
The first flash back I ever had was when I was with a couple of my friends who were being mean to me. Well I smelled something and it reminded me back to a time where I was in the bathroom and my church cutting myself in the stall. That one I felt like I was really there and it really kind of freaked me out. Ive only had one other one that I felt like I was there, and its when my bf and i got into a fight and I was in the bathroom crying but trying to keep quiet so he didn't hear me and it just sent me back to when I'd be at my house bawling in the bathroom but making sure no one heard me.
I have been having kind of "flashbacks" occasionally. I only get them for the most part during fall and winter. Doesn't matter if its the way something smells, or a song I hear on the radio or the way the tempature is, I can sometimes feel my mood change completely and I feel like Im back to whatever it reminds me of. Its usually not too extreme like the first few times, I dont think Im actually there. But my body and emotions feel like they're there. Sometimes I can just shake it off or other times it just brings back bad times.
I guess Im just kind of wondering what my flashbacks are called, if they're not called flashbacks.
Does anyone else have triggers from smells or music?
Music is a huge part of my life and its really helped me deal with a lot of my problems, but sometimes some songs are so attached to those feelings anytime I hear it I go right back to feeling the way I did when I was there.
This was kind of a ramble and I guess Im just trying to figure out how to deal with these things when they come up.
I have been dealing with depression since I was about 15. I'm almost 22 and even though I have learned a lot about myself and have over come a lot of problems from the past I have been having new problems that are really hard for me to deal with. Once I started my depression I was extremely suicidal and a cutter. I've been cutting off and on the past few years. I quit for about 2 and then I had started up again. Its been about 5 or 6 months since I've last cut and I usually do pretty well with coping when I get upset and I know deep down cutting isn't what I really want. But it is still there from time to time. Especially when things get hard.
Lately I've been getting a lot of panic attacks in the morning when I wake up, I tend to be a worrier and I let myself analazye everything to the extreme. Like the other day, I read something on a girls facebook and I started thinking that my bf was cheating on me with her. I got so worked up into my thoughts by the end of the work day I had worried so much I was sick, on the verge of a panic attack and could hardly breath. Turns out I was completely wrong about the whole situtation and I felt really stupid after I realized I had made myself physically sick the whole day because I let myself get carried away with the worst possible outcomes of what I thought was happening.
I will be doing perfectly fine until something triggers a worry and then I let myself continue to thing of the worst thing that could happen. Sometimes I can get myself back to reality and realize I am most likely over reacting and that I'm worrying about nothing. I understand worrying doesn't help anything and I've been reading up on worrying and how to control it. Some days are better than others, and im slowly starting to see that I am improving but sometimes I just fall back into a rut and I can't get myself out of it.
A lot of my problems as a teenager starting during the fall and winter. these are always hard times for me.
I was homeschooled throughout high school and I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18 and never really had that many friends. I went through a lot of self loathing and self esteem problems, I just felt like I was never good enough for anything. I never went to college, and every year for fall when my friends would start going I just felt like I was a complete failure and that I was too stupid to go to school.
I have realized that I don't really even want to go to college and I am starting to realize that I don't care what other people thing about that. Now when people ask me if I'm going to school I don't go into a deep depression of self loathing because I feel like a failure.
The first flash back I ever had was when I was with a couple of my friends who were being mean to me. Well I smelled something and it reminded me back to a time where I was in the bathroom and my church cutting myself in the stall. That one I felt like I was really there and it really kind of freaked me out. Ive only had one other one that I felt like I was there, and its when my bf and i got into a fight and I was in the bathroom crying but trying to keep quiet so he didn't hear me and it just sent me back to when I'd be at my house bawling in the bathroom but making sure no one heard me.
I have been having kind of "flashbacks" occasionally. I only get them for the most part during fall and winter. Doesn't matter if its the way something smells, or a song I hear on the radio or the way the tempature is, I can sometimes feel my mood change completely and I feel like Im back to whatever it reminds me of. Its usually not too extreme like the first few times, I dont think Im actually there. But my body and emotions feel like they're there. Sometimes I can just shake it off or other times it just brings back bad times.
I guess Im just kind of wondering what my flashbacks are called, if they're not called flashbacks.
Does anyone else have triggers from smells or music?
Music is a huge part of my life and its really helped me deal with a lot of my problems, but sometimes some songs are so attached to those feelings anytime I hear it I go right back to feeling the way I did when I was there.
This was kind of a ramble and I guess Im just trying to figure out how to deal with these things when they come up.
