Learning

[desiderata]

Hello, and thanks for this outlet to discuss issues in my life as well as other's. I hope to help and be helped along the way.

My username: Desiderata, is framed right in front of me as I sit. I will draw from it ideas and suggestins from time to time.

My biggest problem is that I do not heed my own advice.

I take meds, see a great therapist but it is very hard for me to find people I can relate to. In my eyes, the world is way too superficial; at least a lot of people in it are.

I can go on, but I should get some rest.

Thanks for your time.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to Psychlinks, Desiderata.

What are you being treated for?

 

[Andy]

Welcome to PsychLinks Desiderata! :2thumbs:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Welcome!

 

[desiderata]

I am being treated for generalized anxiety.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Do you think your feelings about other people are related to the anxiety? Or is it something else?

 

[desiderata]

Sometimes my thoughts about people can get exaggerated. But all in all I do think there are a lot of phoney people out there.
I am trying not to be too judgemental and deal with my expectations of what I think should or shouldn't be.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Well, the fact is that there probably are a lot of superficial people out there. But you mustn't let that blind you to the fact that there are also a lot of nonsuperficial people out there.

Additionally, it's important to remember that in many social situations, particularly if the other person doesn't know you well, people will tend to keep the conversation and other aspects of the social interaction on a relatively superficial basis. That doesn't necessarily mean that person is superficial. I would guess that you do the same thing in certain social situations. That's what small talk is all about.

 

[desiderata]

I've never been good at small talk. Not to say I can't or won't; to me it's boring and can be a waste of time.
I tend to want to get to the heart the matter.
A songwriter wrote "choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep."
My depth or perception of it turns me off to the masses as I suppose I can also turn them off.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I've never been good at small talk. Not to say I can't or won't; to me it's boring and can be a waste of time.

I used to feel that way when I was younger too. When I learned to make the effort, I was amazed at how many intersting people I discovered. It's the universal starting point for what can be some very rewarding friendships and relationships.

I tend to want to get to the heart the matter.

I doubt that even you would want that kind of intensity in every social interaction.

My depth or perception of it turns me off to the masses as I suppose I can also turn them off.

To other people who don't know you, you are part of "the masses".

 

[desiderata]

I agree with everything you have said and all I have confessed.
I am who I am.
Human growth or change is one of the hardest aspects in our evolution.
Dr. Peck once said that seeking help, counsel, or therapy is one of the more couageous endeavors we can undertake for those very reasons.
We are here to understand and learn about ourselves and the world we live.
"With all it's sham drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy."

 

[Retired]

I've never been good at small talk. Not to say I can't or won't; to me it's boring and can be a waste of time.

Moving beyond the small talk phase in a conversation with someone just met is an acquired skill that needs a bit of practice. It's one of the social and life skills we learn and hone through the course of our lives, and needs practice. The so called
small talk phase of a conversation is the learning and investigative part of a conversation.

Some of my friends are really good at it while others continue to stumble. I've tried to improve my own conversational skills by watching those who do it well.

I believe that conversations become meaningful when each of the participants begins revealing things about themselves, and that usually happens when one or ideally both participants ask questions of the other to find areas of common interest.

As each person asks a question about some aspect of the other's life, background, expertise or recent events, the other responds, at first with a superficial answer to test the interest of the questioner. If there is interest, further information is shared, and more questions are asked.

Soon common areas of interest are discovered, and the conversation becomes more intense.

Sometimes there are no areas of common interest, but a conversation can still be interesting by asking questions about the other person's area of expertise as a way of enriching our knowledge about a subject we might know little about.

Don't expect to form a close friendship bond with everyone you meet, but by being polite and inquisitive you can learn a lot and meet a variety of interesting people. Some will become good friends while others will remain casual acquaintances.

When you meet someone new, Desiderata, how do you go about getting a conversation going? Do you have any apprehensions, fears or concerns about starting a conversation?

 

[desiderata]

Oh yeah, I have some fear and apprehension. That has drastically improved over the years though.
As a child I was extremely shy and worried about what others were thinking of me.
In general I like people. I like to interact, listen to people's story of themselves or just about whatever is on their mind.
The problem is I don't get the reciprocation I feel we're all entitled to.
Maybe the phonieness issue is what I see and hear in the media. It is a monster. However, a lot of people follow that monster and are blind to what is real and important in our time.
There is virtue out there-I just need to find it.

 

[Retired]

I have some fear and apprehension.....As a child I was extremely shy and worried about what others were thinking of me....The problem is I don't get the reciprocation I feel we're all entitled to

Sometimes I've noticed when speaking to a person who appears to be shy, they might hesitate to make direct eye contact, or they might not show the kind of facial response I am expecting such as a smile, a frown, or whatever reaction that would be appropriate for context of the conversation.

Body language is another way we humans communicate with one another, and sometimes this language speaks louder about our feelings than the words that are said.

If you feel that people may have difficulty warming up to you in conversations, consider practicing some body language techniques to reassure the person you are speaking with that you are truly interested in what they are telling you.

How are you with eye contact? Are you comfortable looking the other person in the eye during a conversation? Do your facial muscles feel tense or does your face feel relaxed with a compassionalte smile?

 

[desiderata]

When I am listening I can look a person right in the eyes and give them my full attention.
When I am talking I sometimes shift my eyes away from the person to focus on what I am trying to communicate but usually come back to make eye contact once I have made my point.
I believe this is quite natural for many people.

 

[Tampa11]

Two words come to mind, judging and observing. If I judge a person it would be based on my standards, with almost 7 billion people on earth, what are the odds my standards are the correct ones? I have come to the conclusion that I can only observe people not judge, leaving me with on open mind about them. A conversation with a person is just that, a conversation, no winners or losers. To add to that, you can have a conversation with that same person the next day, and come away with deferent emotions, because of personal issues you or they are dealing with at that time.
LEARNING is an excellent topic, talking to people is great way to accomplish it.

 

[desiderata]

Nicely put.