Let's see how this goes...

[ladybug1966]

Hey everyone,

I've never really done anything like this, but I thought I would just introduce myself. I'm almost (a month away) 27 years old and just feel completely lost in this world. No matter what I do, am doing, or have done; I feel lost. I feel like I do not belong anywhere and everything I do isn't good enough for me or anyone. I do have have a therapist, whom is also my pdoc, but even that I feel is lacking. I just feel like life is going on living, but I'm just breathing.

About me: I do struggle with (what is now severe) depression and PTSD. I am also a purging anorexic. I was recovered, but have recently relapsed. I quit my job in February and also broke up with my boyfriend whom I was living with, which caused me to have to move to another city with my mother. I have been independent for about 10 years, so this is quite a change. Also, living with my mother is better than living on the streets which I did for a week, but it's definitely an added stressor. My support system doesn't really exist anywhere in my family or outside my family. I guess I'm just reaching out here to try to 'meet' people virtually that can try to understand me. My therapist and I are just, I have no idea. I was trying and I still do, but my motivation is lacking more and more each day. I'm currently just so tired, which is something I've said so much I really can't imagine saying anymore. I don't even know where I am or who I am anymore.

I hate to introduce myself with such a lousy, depressing note. I'm normally an upbeat, cheerful girl. I promise to come back with that face on a later date.

I hope ya'll have a great evening. I look forward to 'meeting' people!

 

[Andy]

Welcome to Psychlinks Ladybug! :2thumbs:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Welcome to Psychlinks!

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks, Ladybug!

Sorry to hear about your situation, It sounds you have had a great deal to contend with.

Feel free to look around the Forum, join in any ongoing discussion or start some of your own.

I do have have a therapist, whom is also my pdoc, but even that I feel is lacking.

What do you feel is lacking in your therapy?

Hope you find some of the support you need here.

 

[Sonya]

Welcome, Ladybug! I'm new here too and have already received a lot of good information and support from the very caring and knowledgeable folks here.

 

[ladybug1966]

Thanks for the warm welcomes!

What do you feel is lacking in your therapy?

That's a bit complicated..I'll try to give a really, really short version. I have trusted him more than anyone I have ever trusted (and I have seen a lot of doctors and therapists in the past). He does therapy quite differently than most. To begin, I started feeling like things were different and I started distancing myself from him over a year ago, things were just changing in therapy, I was growing/changing and something clicked in my head to distance myself from him and he started treating me completely different. Also, when we started really talking about my past he got very detailed into some questions that at first I thought were inappropriate, but he said they weren't, so I believed him. Then, I find out that a good friend of mine filed a complaint against him for similar things that happened with me, but he has since gone further with me. I have confronted him about it and he says things were misread, misunderstood, and asked if I felt safe with him.. and I do, more than I have with anyone, but I am wondering if that's because I am too close to the situation, him, and everything. This year, was the first time I've ever gotten to the anger phase and because I have been so angry and haven't been able to separate or control it it, one day in therapy he told me that it was the last day of therapy for me for a month or two. And that for a month, I was to try to understand my therapy and learn to control it. So, he discharged from his care and I told him I was never coming back. I took a 3ish month reprieve from therapy. During that break, I received a text from another good friend that she was leaving him and filing charges and that I needed to as well. This made me angry and I called to schedule an appt. with him. I confronted him about everything, including the fact that I felt how he discharged me was inappropriate. I left that day to drive back to my mother's (which is about a 4 hour drive) and had car issues. My father (whom I haven't seen in over ten years) lives in between the two cities where I was driving, so I had no option to stay with him as I couldn't afford a hotel and he was conveniently 10 miles away from where I had car troubles. This triggered major PTSD flashbacks, etc. and set me back into relapse. So, I started seeing my therapist again, but he doesn't seem to be available or hear my needs anymore. I know that's a judgement on my end because when I'm with him and communicate that to him, I can see that he understands. I guess I feel that he hears what he interprets and I am still going to unfulfilled until I deal with my "issues." My ability to communicate has gotten better and I have grown a lot in therapy with him. I also still see work to be done. There are problems: He's just as stubborn as I am and it doesn't work out that I get defensive and can't seem to control it AND my anger gets in the way and I absolutely hate it.

When I'm with my T, I am able to connect and be OK there, but sometimes I won't see him for 2-4 weeks in between and he isn't available in between. He is available via text, but if I reach out, I always end up being in defensive mode b/c he always says something I know he will say so I just get pissed off.. and I don't know if I should still see him, if what happened is/was inappropriate, or what to do.. but where I am at the moment I know my head is too fogged up to make any clear decision on my own. I really am trying to think as clear as I can, but it's really, really hard at times especially when I am not think objectively.

---------- Post Merged at 05:47 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:22 PM ----------

Thanks, Sonya! You're from TN? Me too!

 

[rdw]

Welcome. Hope you find the support and information here beneficial.

 

[grapefruit968]

Welcome to Psychlinks! Best of luck here.

 

[Sonya]

Wow, Ladybug! I'm in East Tennessee. How about you?

 

[bloodwood]

Hi Ladybug1966
Welcome to this forum. It is a really great place with truly good people who care.

The distrust may be a part of your personal issues and struggles. It may also be because he behaves in questionable ways. These both have to be weighed as honestly as you can. But the relationship with a therapist has to have trust or the depth of progress can be limited and less helpful to you. I hope this can work out for you since you have trusted him up to this point.

Welcome

 

[AmZ]

Welcome ladybug

I am also 27 years old and have depression (with BPD and anxiety).

I hope the you get some good recommendations here as to what to do and what should be your next step to take.

Good luck.

 

[momof5]

Hi Ladybug
Welcome to the forum!

I know that you will find the friends that you need in here. People are very caring in here.

I have some concerns about your therapist that you are seeing.

If there are things going on that he is being reported on, I would be hesitant to deal with him.

You sound like you have many things going on in your life.

Search through our forum for posts that are similar to what you are going through, and see how much they could help you. Though this should never be a replacement for your regular doctor.

Once again, welcome aboard!

btw, I totally love ladybugs! I have a pair of salt and pepper shakers. I don't use them though. I collect S&P shakers and my mom had seen these and got them for me.