Living With PTSD and Depression - How?

[phoebe22]

I think PTSD is the foundation for my other problems ... it's been ongoing since infancy (literally). I have lived with this for nearly 60 years and in spite of everything I have learned and everything I have tried, it just keeps getting worse. There are times when I can almost forget, but most often it affects my daily life to a crippling degree. I don't believe I suffer from clinical depression; I believe I get depressed ... or maybe I should say discouraged ... because of the other problems, for which I receive no help.

I have no therapist (none available) and my dr (stuck with him because no one else is taking new patients) has judged me a neurotic attention-seeker with neither any health problems (of which I have several) and nothing really wrong mentally/emotionally save for a somatoform disorder which could be cured if only I'd "cooperate". He's always ready to hand out the anti-depressants (allergic) and the anti-psychotics (also allergic) to keep me quiet, but has no understanding of psych meds, the side-effects and so on, and of course he doesn't believe I'm allergic except in the case where he saw the reaction for himself. More to the point, he doesn't care what's wrong as long as I don't make a lot of work for him. I should be a good girl, shut my silly face, and accept his every word and judgment as gospel.

Anyway ...

I'm posting this to ask how other people with similar problems manage. I'm posting this in hope of ideas I haven't thought of yet or ways in which I can communicate these issues to my dr in terms he might take seriously or at least pay attention to long enough to do something helpful for once.

I'm going through an extremely rough patch ... the worst I can remember in nearly 20 years ... and would give anything for a way to get through it. The "pain" is indescribable, and while I'd say I'm quite a strong person, this is rapidly becoming more than I can handle. I wouldn't mind not having to wake up tomorrow, but the stubborn part of me which has kept me alive this long refuses to throw in the towel. If this keeps up, though, it's a pretty sure bet I'm going to fully dissociate and then I'll have no say in whatever happens next.

Right now I feel that the most important thing I can do for myself is find a way to break the cycle long enough to regain some kind of equilibrium. It won't make the pain go away, but it would probably at the very least keep me out of hospital and possibly save my life.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do (that would be wrong of me on so many levels) ... I'm just trying to find out how others manage these type of problems. There's got to be something i haven't thought of yet.

Thanks ...

:search:

---------- Post added at 08:50 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:51 AM ----------

I'm trying to find out if I would experience the same kind of side effects from all brands of antipsychotic. About 10 yrs ago my dr gave me Seroquel (sp?) for anxiety and sleep, and it worked really well on most of my worst symptoms - including anxiety and sleep - until the side effects became life-threatening. If there are others that are different enough that I might be able to tolerate them, I'd like to be able to look into them before I decide if it's worthwhile approaching my dr. I don't like the idea of meds, but I'm starting to think I have no other option, and apart from antidepressants, the only meds my dr will Rx are anti-psych.

---------- Post added at 04:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:50 AM ----------

How do you spell stupid? Well, it starts with a "P".

:fool:

I was so desperate I went to the mental health people and asked for advice. They handed me over to some female person so cold I nearly got frostbite just being in the same room with her. I told her I was pretty sure I needed try a different anti-psych (I had a bad reaction to the one my dr had given me before so had quit taking them a couple of years ago) because I was starting to lose time and coming back to find I'd damaged myself. Nothing life-threatening, but enough to worry me. (Until the bad side effects started up, the med had worked really well.) I said I needed to to see a dr today ... before tonight, because night is when I'm most likely to disconnect but was getting nowhere on my own and did they have any suggestions. I don't know if I'll still be me by sunrise tomorrow.

For my troubles I was scolded, talked down to, and basically told I'd just have to get a grip and wait. It was strongly implied that if I couldn't keep myself from disconnecting it would be my fault for not trying hard enough.

Not only futile but degrading and humiliating.

And triggering.

And now on top of all that they want me to see the flying shrink for one of his 15-minute "assessments". This is same bonehead I saw about a year ago for about as long, and I know he'll only fix what ain't broke and make what needs fixing 100 times worse.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid ...

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm not sure how to help, but i'm sorry you're having so much trouble.

 

[Andy]

I'm trying to find out if I would experience the same kind of side effects from all brands of antipsychotic. About 10 yrs ago my dr gave me Seroquel (sp?) for anxiety and sleep, and it worked really well on most of my worst symptoms - including anxiety and sleep - until the side effects became life-threatening. If there are others that are different enough that I might be able to tolerate them, I'd like to be able to look into them before I decide if it's worthwhile approaching my dr. I don't like the idea of meds, but I'm starting to think I have no other option, and apart from antidepressants, the only meds my dr will Rx are anti-psych.

It is not necessarily true that you will experience the same side effects from all anti-psychotics. Just because they are under the same class of drug means nothing as to how each different one will react in your body. Now of course I don't know that and the only way you will be able to find that out is through trial and error.

I am guessing you think you had an allergic reaction to Seroquel?

You mentioned that it helped with sleep and anxiety and that your Dr. will only Rx anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Have you ever tried Trazodone? It is an anti-depressant, SSRI, but it works well for anxiety and insomnia. It may make you really tired at first but that goes away.

That is just a suggestion, I am not a medical professional, and as with all medications they work different for everyone so unfortunately the only way to find out what will work is by trying it out.

 

[phoebe22]

It is not necessarily true that you will experience the same side effects from all anti-psychotics. Just because they are under the same class of drug means nothing as to how each different one will react in your body. Now of course I don't know that and the only way you will be able to find that out is through trial and error.
I am guessing you think you had an allergic reaction to Seroquel?

You mentioned that it helped with sleep and anxiety and that your Dr. will only Rx anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Have you ever tried Trazodone? It is an anti-depressant, SARI, but it works well for anxiety and insomnia. It may make you really tired at first but that goes away.
That is just a suggestion, I am not a medical professional, and as with all medications they work different for everyone so unfortunately the only way to find out what will work is by trying it out.

Yes, I had a long talk with my pharmacist regarding anti-psychotics this morning, and he explained pretty much the same thing to me. It's what made me decide I'd see if I could try another "brand". Normally I'd just make a note to self to mention it next time I see my dr, but now that it's urgent, I can't chase down a dr for love nor money. (Figures! )

I was given Traz a few years ago. The first night I slept 15 hours! I haven't slept that long in my life, not even as a baby, and I experienced virtually no "hangover". It was fanTAStic; it seemed custom-designed for me ... until it sent my FM into agony overdrive after apprx a week. And that's the core of my meds problem: FM and M.E. wreak havoc on CNS/endocrine/metabolic etc ad nauseum, causing hypersensitivities, paradoxical reactions, and extreme allergy reactions. And since my dr doesn't "believe in" M.E., he chooses to believe I'm a drug seeker ... quote: "holding out for the good stuff".

:hair:

 

[Andy]

Well you would definitely need to work all those problems out with a doctor, that's getting way to complex.

When is your appointment to see the flying nun er doctor? Or is that depending on how many clients need to be seen and all that?

 

[phoebe22]

Well you would definitely need to work all those problems out with a doctor, that's getting way to complex.

When is your appointment to see the flying nun er doctor? Or is that depending on how many clients need to be seen and all that?

It would help if my dr would be less difficult. He's very Jekyl/Hyde. I'm sure he'd be pleased to give me the A/P but what else he might decide to do is what makes me nervous. Trouble is, the only other drs in town taking patients are even worse than he is, so barring a very large miracle, I'm stuck.

I don't know when the flying shrink is in next. Hopefully they'll have forgotten about me by then. Apart from the A/P, things med-wise are about as good as they're going to get, and I don't need him deciding to mess around with it. Trying to trouble-shoot long distance with a GP who doesn't think he needs to consult with anyone is a recipe for full-blown chronic anxiety, and prolonged anxiety (stress/worry) = disconnection.

All that when I don't even know if I'll be able to tolerate any of the other A/Ps.

:hide:

 

[Andy]

Do you mean that your afraid your doctor now may make you go inpatient, so you don't want to ask him about A/P? If your not wanting to get medication from the flying shrink then are you just going to be reassessed? lol Sorry I get confused easy. Are you not worried that the flying shrink could put you inpatient? If that's what you meant, I'm assuming...

It sure would be nice to just take some of these pills one time and know right then if it will work or not. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

 

[phoebe22]

Do you mean that your afraid your doctor now may make you go inpatient, so you don't want to ask him about A/P? If your not wanting to get medication from the flying shrink then are you just going to be reassessed? lol Sorry I get confused easy. Are you not worried that the flying shrink could put you inpatient? If that's what you meant, I'm assuming...

It sure would be nice to just take some of these pills one time and know right then if it will work or not. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

My dr is the grand master of making mountains out of molehills. When he's not dismissing my physical stuff out of hand, he's frantically trying to load me up with psych meds I can't tolerate and take away the stuff that works (there are a couple I need for my physical problems and he keeps trying to pull the plug on those). A low-dose trial of A/P wouldn't merit hospitalization, especially given shortage of beds and staff, and unless I give him cause to commit me, he can't force me to go. I wouldn't go voluntarily ... those nurses are vicious when it comes to MH patients, as I have both experienced first hand and witnessed. They don't even have the decency to lower their voices.
:badwords:

The flying shrink isn't nearly as hospital-happy as my GP; my concern there would be yet another change in diagnosis, changes in protocol and so on. All I want to do is try a low-dose A/P, see if I can tolerate it, and hope that it can help me keep myself present and accounted for ... not a freakin' make-over.

:hissyfit:

I was a lot more sane before those people first got their hands on me. If I could rewind, I'd stay well clear of anything remotely connected.

:wacko:

 

[Andy]

Oh no I didn't mean you would go into hospital to try a drug, I was replying to this part of your previous comment "what else he might decide to do is what makes me nervous." which I thought you were eluding to hospitalization but now I see you meant that he would add and remove meds.

Are you talking about a regular hospital? Those nurses have little training, I mean some but it's not their field so sometimes they might not be thinking of the proper way to deal with a MH patient.

lol If your on a psych ward or psych hospital, I agree that some nurses can be nasty, some are nice too, they do have to deal with a ward of people experiencing a lot of emotional issues and a lot who are very sick so I can understand a short fuse once in awhile. lol Of course there are the ones that are just mean spirited pretty much all of the time.

Well I really hope you can get your doctor/med situation sorted out with one of these two people. That would make life a little less stressful for you I am sure! :2thumbs:

 

[phoebe22]

Seeing dr in about two hours; clinician taking me and will sit in, hopefully help communicate.

I really hope this doesn't turn out to be another adventure in stupidity.


:hide:

 

[Andy]

I hope it goes well too Phoebe. Maybe the clinician being there will make things go smoothly. Good luck:2thumbs:

 

[phoebe22]

I hope it goes well too Phoebe. Maybe the clinician being there will make things go smoothly. Good luck:2thumbs:

Thanks :hug:

It didn't go too badly, nothing too scary, and I think my clinician helped a lot. She was really good about helping me fill in the blanks, checking with me to make sure she was on track. I'm now test-driving the lowest dose of Risperidone available (0.5) ... and I think it's starting to kick in ...

oooOOooooOOO

:lol:

 

[Andy]

It didn't go too badly, nothing too scary, and I think my clinician helped a lot.

Well that's good news then. Is the clinician willing to come with you to future appointments? That would be great if she could.:2thumbs:

 

[phoebe22]

Well that's good news then. Is the clinician willing to come with you to future appointments? That would be great if she could.:2thumbs:

It seems so, hopefully to continue. We have an appointment for next week to assess.

Please pardon brevity (enjoy while it lasts! ) ... brain feels like watery oatmeal this a.m.

:cheers:

 

[phoebe22]

If (or do I mean when? ) I start griping about side effects, someone please remind me of how blissfully quiet it is in my head. I even dreamed last night. The first real, normal dream I've had in so long I can't remember.

:cat3:

 

[Andy]

That's good news Phoebe!:2thumbs: I hope it only gets better for you.

 

[phoebe22]

That's good news Phoebe!:2thumbs: I hope it only gets better for you.

:thankyou:

So far it's downright incredible. It's not a substitute for doing the work, but at least now my thoughts aren't all yelling at me at once, I'm less easily overwhelmed, and when memories/triggers happen, I'm more able to manage them ... to greater or lesser degrees depending on what they are.

I'm also getting more sleep and better sleep, with more REM, which means I'm feeling a bit better during the day. Still feel half stoned, and it's hard to talk (spoken and written), but I think those will pass, and even if they don't, it's so much better than before I think it's a decent trade-off. And in spite of being so woozley, I'm starting to get things done ... just ordinary everyday things that a week ago were more than I could focus on long enough to do (or in many instances, care enough about).

I'm concerned about tolerance over time, and because I'm older and my ticker isn't getting any younger either, I think I need to remain aware. What I'm not going to do is worry these things unless they become an issue.

For now, I'm just going to cherish being in the moment. "For this relief, much thanks", as the man once wrote. And hopefully in another couple of weeks I'll be clear-headed enough to start shoving all those dragons back where they belong.

:yahoo:

Ta much

:cheers:

---------- Post added at 11:12 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:59 AM ----------

Is the clinician willing to come with you to future appointments? That would be great if she could.:2thumbs:

She's told me that she will unless something comes up to prevent her. Between other clients with their own crises (many of them worse than anything of mine), meetings, going out of town for further training, and so on, that's reasonable. And she's told me that if it ever happens that she can't, she'll try to arrange for someone to be with me. She's my first choice (duh) because she knows my circumstances and concerns better than anyone else there, and she's not shy about helping me get a point across or fill in gaps when my mind goes blank, but just having someone there tends to make him behave a little less obnoxiously. He can still say "no" to things, but if he does, he's a lot more civil about it.

I hope she plans on staying around a long while; this is my 6th clinician in 12 years (it averages out to one every two years, but I've had some for up to 5 years, while others only lasted a couple of months) and so far the best. Luckily for me, this is her home town and in conversation I've gotten the impression she wouldn't voluntarily move away unless it was something short-term such as going back to uni.

:thankyou2:

 

[phoebe22]

Oh no I didn't mean you would go into hospital to try a drug, I was replying to this part of your previous comment "what else he might decide to do is what makes me nervous." which I thought you were eluding to hospitalization but now I see you meant that he would add and remove meds.

Are you talking about a regular hospital? Those nurses have little training, I mean some but it's not their field so sometimes they might not be thinking of the proper way to deal with a MH patient.

lol If your on a psych ward or psych hospital, I agree that some nurses can be nasty, some are nice too, they do have to deal with a ward of people experiencing a lot of emotional issues and a lot who are very sick so I can understand a short fuse once in awhile. lol Of course there are the ones that are just mean spirited pretty much all of the time.

:2thumbs:

I just realized i never replied to this one. Not intentionally ignoring, just orbiting the planet per usual

I posted elsewhere that I ran into big problems with the Risperadone and am now voluntarily back on (brace yourself) Seroquel. After another long conversation w/pharmacist, I concluded that a very cautious approach to what had worked so well in most ways was worth a try. When I'd taken it before, I'd just had a terrible experience with a pain med (respiratory arrest) so when I started having breathing problems, I freaked. Now, looking back with more experience, I don't know if that was the same thing or not. I didn't keep taking it in order to find out, so it's still an unanswered question.

Anyway, I guess we'll see. So far so good. At first, dr thought I wanted to abandon the whole idea of A/Ps, and it was incredibly difficult to get across to him why I wasn't willing to carry on with the Risperadone (BP dangerously low, heart rate dangerously high), let alone increase the dosage. Once he managed to wrap his head around what I (and my clinician) were saying, he calmed down and we finally made some progress.

My pharmacist is a saint to tolerate my bazillion questions :2thumbs:

Re: nurses, I've come across a lot of really nasty ones in both regular hospital and psych wards (tho I do agree sometimes it's more stress than nastiness, and you can always tell who the stressed ones are because they'll say/do something when they've de-stressed).

In a small-town hospital, it's pretty much to be assumed that few if any have received any training in care of psych patients, and they need some training in even the basics big time! Psych ward nurses don't always have psych training (at least, not in the wilds of northern BC they don't) but the majority do, which makes it even less comprehensible that they can be so vicious. When I was on the ward there was a nurse who very loudly and publically read me the riot act because she felt I was dressed "inappropriately" ... that is to say, under-dressed. I was covered from neck to knees in a cotton blend so dense you couldn't see thru it with halogens on hi-beam, but for some reason it really got her knickers in a twist. I'm assuming she told the shrink, because a couple of days later, he started screaming at me about it and slapped a NPD label on me for good measure. (That label was a horror to me courtesy of my NPD Mommy Dearest and all I could think was "I am not my mother! I am not my mother!". Thankfully, that particular dx was removed and kept removed by subsequent shrinks, but by then a lot of damage had been done.)

So ... well, I guess that's part of why I'm not too fond of nurses as a species, though it must be said that the good ones are absolutely fantastic. My former employer was a psych nurse and an exceptional one at that, but unfortunately for the people around here who suffer from mental illness, she'd had enough of all the "politics" (her word) and applied her skills elsewhere in the community, which did benefit some MH patients, but I wish we had at least a half dozen like her in our local hospital.

Well, I've yammered on more than long enough, so I really hope I haven't overlooked anything ... yet again .


:thankyou2: