[Trigger] Losing all hope was Freedom

[Eye Stigmata]

"And then something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion -- dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom." ~ from the movie Fight Club

Today I gave up on my strength again....I let go...I knew what had to be done [and self-injured]. I don't even regret it, and that's the sad part. I've gotten myself into this ridiculous mess that I can't get out of. I used to wake up so happy in the morning, and now I wake up and I look at my arms and I remember exactly who I am and how I got here. Four days in a row now...and im addicted again, I let myself slip to rock bottom.
I hate what he did to me....and I hate myself even more for not being able to defend myself, because I couldn't, because I've always been the one to do anything for anyone even when I don't want to.

And its sad...because I can't even tell myself "No" let alone anyone else....I [self-injured]....for the sake of feeling unworthy just one more time..

 

[Daniel E.]

Have you tried the rubber band technique as a safe alternate to SI? It is mentioned in the article below, which you may have seen already:

Self-help ideas for people who self-injure - Psychlinks

Also, I hope you see a therapist soon. There are PTSD techniques that can help with such flashbacks.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I haven't tried that one......
I think im actually addicted to seeing the blood.....
I know it's gross to most people...but theres something about it.
I've tried drawing lines with a red marker - but it's just not the same thing

 

[Daniel E.]

I've tried drawing lines with a red marker - but it's just not the same thing

Other suggestions not mentioned in that article are diluted food coloring or fake blood:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pdf/Distractions%20Techniques%20JULY%202007.pdf

I see that distraction is also suggested as one coping method, and distraction is something I am very familiar with. Personally, I am most distracted by videos (movies/DVDs/YouTube) and TV.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I don't know what to do about it.......
Im fine with it for now, I'll figure a better way later