More threads by socarp



This will be a long letter.

This is my story. I have always been a quiet person. I was very close to my mother after my father died when I was very young. I guess my mother always was a bit over protective over me. As long as i can remember i have never liked attention or that people look at me. When i was little kid i always become angry when anyone looked at me at the dinner table. Making sure that no one in the family would make eye contact with me. And i was always fighting with my little sister. Being in control and deciding what she can do and not do. I always wanted things in my way. And i was a perfectionist. Making sure that things were in the right spot and order. I have always had a few good friends around me and im happy with that. Never liked too many people around me. I was shy in school. Never raising my hand and keeping quiet. I was always nervous in the mornings when going to school.

I always wished that we never would have any lessons that had to make me talk or be in the center of my attention. However when i grew older i started to realize that this was just a normal shyness. I started searching the internet. And found that my symptoms actually had a name. And it was called Social Phobia. I have been known this since i was 15 now. I was too afraid to to anything or to seek any help or to tell my parents. I had especially hard time getting to know new friends and people more in depth and not just on the surface. Years went and between 18-22 i had a period where i really felt everything was a struggle. While friends started to get into relationships and dating i was still anxious and insecure of meeting girls. I shut myself down and never dared to ask any girl out. Or do date any. I have been aware of this my all life. And the anxiety has grown. I have used internet a lot meet new people all my life. There I can be myself and make connections and people like me. But when I meet up with people I cant be nowhere near of anything of the picture I painted up of myself on the internet. I become paralyzed, empty in my head and full of worries,

I feel uncomfortable going into crowded places, parties, nightclubs, anything that can point the attention to me. I cant do stuff when people are watching me. I cant eat lunch at work with other people etc.

I always been a thinker. Thinking and worrying about everything. This is something i wish i could live without. Im over analyzing everything and making sure that everything is control. When i went in school i always checked around my environment that nobody is looking at me. This has made me a perfectionist. From Social Anxiety this has lead to periods of anxiety and depression.

Mostly because i never had taken the oppurtunites to take the changes which i have got. Job offers. to go on a date , build relationships and make bonds with new pople. Especially intimate relationships with girls. I have also lost friends, or friends have got tired of me, since i have kept telling them that we are going to meet up, making plans but nothing really happens. I have lost connections etc. I have been closed and unable to open up for even my closest friends. It can take forever to learn to know me. im hiding facts and some see me as mysterious.

So i have shut myself down internally and emotionally several times in the past. Not caring about anything or what people say or do for me or even caring about people or friends around me at all. Just having a neutral feeling for everything. Friends has often told me that i cant take criticism , that im a perfectionist, that i talk more than i do stuff, When people want to know me more personal or when I get personal questions I often just use jokes to get the focus away from the questions.

Im anxious to try new things, that im not letting myself outside the box. Im constantly living around my own centre, self centered. Some people have called me egocentric. Some have even told me the first impression of me is that im arrogant or cold. Which im not. I have hard time focusing and remembering what people say to me because im so focused about how i look, or if my face expressions are good enough, or if there is anything strange they notice about me. I have especially hard time looking people straight in the eyes.

When i was younger i got angry when people stare at me, I look angry people say often even if im not. This is my neutral face. I get tense. I often play cool in front of new people. When I walk in the public I often think im famous or special. It’s automatic response i do to handle the attention. .Some kind of safe thinking. That will make the attention away for a bit and its easier to handle that people look. Recently when I get asked out for any activity with friends and new people I just come up with an excuse to not attend. Since I know I wont be able to be myself, and relaxed. Im thinking what to say all the time. If what I said sounded right. Im worrying days or weeks before any social situation. Of what to say. I have a "what if" thinking all the time. When someone talk with me I often don’t know what to say back. I just agree or just say boring things. After meetings with people I often think back and analyze the conversations. and i only become somewhat normal when i drink alcohol. but the problem when im drink is that im still thinking about what to say, how to feel relaxed, have a normal conversation. When I think back most of my social situations where I have had most fun and where I have been myself more is when it has been alcohol involved. I have been more spontaneous, funny and I have been able to show myself more. I even get more motivated, happy etc. I only become somewhat normal when i drink alcohol. but the problem when im drink is that im still thinking about what to say, how to feel relaxed, have a normal conversation. But I realized this is not the way. The past years for every weekend there has been alcohol involved on the weekends. And I have become more and more depressed.

Im want to try new things but im anxious of what could go wrong. I like everything planned before anything happens. I want to make sure that everything is in control.

I heard from people that im defensive and don’t like criticism. And that im a bad listener. Only interested in only talking about my interests or what concerns me. Not showing interest towards other people. That is true. I get defensive when I get criticized. And sometimes also angry. I also have hard time showing interest in what other people say, I always act like what I say is the most important.

The strange thing is that i always have been good in getting to know people, getting the first contact is easy, but developing it deeper is where is is harder, i start to think too much and become self centered, im angry, and i have imploded inside, that i can but my negative thinking is in the way. People around me know me as a positive, outgoing, humorous person. But deep inside I feel lost and with anxiety. I never feel I have anything to say in a conversation. I have hard time trusting people, when people want to do anything for me I always become paranoid. Looking for signs that this person is trying to manipulate me. Im always suspicious of others.

Im comparing myself to others, and i always think in social situations that how come that my friends can talk so easily to people, that this is what i could do or be, but i cant somehow.I feel like sometimes i havent been myself, with my own thoughts, that im not connected to what i really am or think. I have a black and white thinking. All or nothing. Either I get what I want or I wont be satisfied with only getting avarage. There is no middle ground.

I cant seem to live in the present. I can still think of small situations that happened 10 years ago. I feel like I need to do something , to achieve something in order to become social. When i have achieved anything and im happy then i usally become more social. Lately I have getting more depressed and shut up in my own world. I think that nobody understands me and I have got more isolated in my own thoughts. Shutting people and the world out. Im not interested in anything emotionally. Im not affected by anything. I don’t care what people say i or just got bored by people easily. i feel like i often are disconnected from the world, too much in my own toughts, in my dream world, in the past. I cant take on new things, Im uninterested in anything new. I have been angry and frustrated. So I have gave up and now im just waiting for stuff to happen. Rather than taking part and making things happen myself. Im not emotionally affected by anything anymore.

I have a passion and talent for dancing and music and sports. But as soon as I have been close to getting to success I have given up. I have lived in some kind of paradox state of mind. Which I have lived with all my life. Mainly due to my anxiety, worrying and social anxiety. I cant dance since then I have to be in public and I cant show my feelings and talents. Afraid of being watched. I constantly think and analyze of my past. Of what could have happened if I was going to go all the way. I regret it. And I cant let it go. Sometimes I have obsessive thoughts of my past which I cant let go of. Over the years im always giving up when im close to getting where I want. It’s the feeling of almost being there I have been living with. The feeling has somehow pleased me. But then you realize nothing will happen .

At one point I realized I just accepted my anxiety and thought that “one day it will probably happen, I will get what I want” but it still has not. Now im 29 and have all kinds of anxiety. That I haven’t managed to get where I want and i look at my friends and people around me doing all kinds of stuff all the time and getting somewhere in life. Building relationships and careers. I think I deserve more with my personality and talents, but I cant go all the way due to anxiety. My humour and toughts have become more dark and weird. In the beginning of this year I started to feel dizziness and thought it was something serious. So I started to go to a doctor to make all kinds of health checkups. X-ray, blood tests, stomach tests etc. But everything came back negative. I became more destructive. At one point I tougt I was going to die. So I accepted this fate for no reason. I have also got swallowing difficulties and sleep problems. So if anyone have any advice or can relate to my story then please advice.


MVP, Forum Supporter
you could be on the autistic spectrum you?

have talked several times about eye contact issues which every child I know with autism has... in fact there are now diagnostic tests being developed using cameras and computers to assess eye contact as a possible means of future diagnosis.

really you need to go and speak to your doctor and start yourself on the road to finding the right clinicians to diagnose and help you with what they can

It could be many things but you are clearly struggling to move yourself forward in the way you want and that is why you should go and get some help

It could be a very surprising and informative journey for you and hopefully will help you overcome some of your more debilitating issues.


Welcome, socarp!

Like, Wooby mentioned....many of us here could guess at different things but we are not professionals and it is only a professional that can legally diagnose what you are going thorough and that person then is the best person to help you. It is worth making an appoinment and going to see a clinical psychologist who most definitely can help you and answer any questions you have.
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