Mayday: Situation with therapist

[space]

I am not exactly sure whether I am engaging in bad therapy.

I have been seeing my psychologist for one year due to OCD, social anxiety, avoidant traits and past issues, just to name a few. I do not think that there is a conflict of personality between my therapist and I, but perhaps a conflict of beliefs which I was ready to accept as a challenge to my own beliefs, and carry on in the therapeutic relationship. There are times where my therapist is understanding, empathetic and professional, and other times, she behaves on the contrary.

Her mobile phone would ring during our sessions, and she would either decline the call, answer it or let the phone ring. Fortunately, her phone has not been ringing for quite a few sessions now. My therapist is also habitually late for our appointments. In a recent appointment, I was sitting in the waiting room for approximately ten minutes after the scheduled appointment, and the receptionist finally went into my therapist's room, reminding her that I have already arrived. My therapist always closes the door when I enter the room, but on that day, I had to close the door and she sat on her couch, rather emotionless. Even though she was quite cold and distant, she apologised for starting late. I am confused. She seems rather ambivalent in this therapeutic relationship.

I do not like the fact that there are times when we'd end the session with her initiating a plan for the next session, and the plans were never ever carried out. There are certain issues which could have been resolved and I have brought it up a couple of times, but to no avail.

What is worst is that I have never ever missed a single session before, and last week, I decided to test whether she'd initiate an appointment, but she did not. She cancelled our appointment scheduled three weeks ago, and given that she was the one who had to postpone the session, she should be the one who get back to me with a new timing. However, she did not two weeks ago, until I asked whether she'd be working the next day (Good Friday). She said that she will not be working, and last week, I did not receive any message from her at all. There is no way that she has forgotten our regular appointment. I have been seeing her for one year now, and concluding from the receipt numbers I receive each time I pay, she doesn't have a lot of clients in her private practice. I think that she is irritated with me because I texted her that my dog was very sick, my mom was mentally abusing me, and that I think something bad will happen because I saw the same number plate twice. Anyhow, when she did not initiate a replacement for the cancelled appointment, it resurfaced the negative feelings of rejection.

I could go on about some of her insensitive and unprofessional behaviours, but I think it is enough for now. Furthermore, she can be a nice person too. For example, I used to create abstract reasoning puzzles, and she mentioned that she tried looking for the mensa book of puzzles to give to me when she returned to her family home. I am ready to turn a blind eye to her cellphone ringing during sessions and our sessions starting late. However, I do not like the coldness, ambivalence (I think), alienation and receiving no reply from her, and claiming that her phone was shutting down.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you.

 

[Andy]

Welcome to PsychLinks Space:2thumbs:

Maybe it's as simple as, your psychologist may be going through something of her own. I know that's still no excuse but it may not be directly because of you, know what I mean? The next time you see her could you ask her if there is some reason why she seems distant or whatever your feelings are about the situation? I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation.

I can understand the frustration about her being late. My psychiatrist use to be horrible. I waited over an hour one time. I am a very patient person. Anyway, I agree it is frustrating. If they expect you to be on time, they should as well. Unless of course there is an emergency or something.

I am sorry. That's all I've got. I hope you find out what is going on and can get it all sorted out.
Take care

 

[Banned]

I agree with STP, space. Talk to your therapist about these behaviours that are troubling you. It could be that something is going on in her own life, or she is unaware of how they are affecting you.

To give you an example from my own life, my previous therapist all of a sudden became unreliable, cancelling sessions, answering her cell phone during ours - much of what you're describing. As it turned out, her father was in extremely serious condition in the hospital and she was the only family in the city for him and had to be reachable at all times. When I understood this, I was more forgiving of the hospital calls, and she was good about looking at her phone and saying "nope that call can wait". As frustrating as it is to have the phone go off, sometimes it just does.

The relationship you have with your therapist is really crucial, and I hope that after a year you have a pretty deep, honest relationship with her. These very issues that you are describing are excellent fodder for conversation and discovery with her. I don't think it's so much that you have to "accept" where she is - no human is perfect - but you certainly, as a paying client, have a right to be happy with the services you are being provided. If not, it's time to speak up before moving on. Give her a chance to change her behaviour as well.

Oh ya - welcome to Psychlinks, too.

 

[space]

The situation has gotten out of hand.

Last week, I text messaged my therapist asking why didn't she get back to me with an appointment and whether she meant that she had actually given my regular time slot to another client.

Her reason was that she is busy with reports and will not reschedule an appointment until the client initiates. I replied that she knew I wanted an appointment two weeks ago but never suggested a postponed timing. She replied that she apologizes for that, and urged me to not take anything personally. I replied that I am doubtful about it.

Anyway, this week, I texted her whether I could still see her this week and she said that she would like to meet with my parents. (I am 17 years old, but despite that, I believe that I am mature, and on this context, intelligent enough to engage in therapy independently. My mom knows that I've OCD, but a few months later, she asked why am I consulting a psychologist and what is OCD. My school counsellor did phone her about it). I am extremely uncomfortable with my folks getting involved in therapy due to several reasons. I would hate the intimacy and I do not want them to know of my rather schizo ideas. Anyhow, I asked her why, and she said that it is part of her professional ethics and conduct. I replied asking why you is bringing it up after I have been seeing her for a year. I did not receive a reply, so I sent a message asking whether I could come in and we could talk. We scheduled an appointment for this week and in the message, she mentioned her "health issues", but just a couple of hours ago, she text messaged me, saying that the following sessions should be focused on my issues rather than my perceived inconsistencies and motives of her. If I do not accept these conditions, we can't have the upcoming session.

I mean, why can't we talk about why she never got back to me? If I take it as a rejection, wouldn't it be good to explore it because it might have to do with my past rejection issues and perhaps trust issues too? Why isn't she opened about it? Why did she mention my parents have one year, and never included the reason within the same message? She knew that I was literally shaking (anxiety) when she brought that up, but never got back to me until I tried calling her the next day. I am not sure whether she is really sick, but she was seeing other clients, and I know that she doesn't have a lot of clients because there are times when I receive a receipt with the consecutive number. Right, perhaps her clients pay her monthly or she discounts them due to their financial difficulties, but I know that she does not have a lot of clients that I could not get an appointment for weeks. At first she said that she is fully booked this week, and now, she is available on two time slots on Friday. It is all so coincidental and that is why I am doubting, but she is not open to talking about what has been happening for the past month.

I am very puzzled.

---------- Post added at 04:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:24 AM ----------

By the way, I refer to our therapeutic relationship is "our", but my therapist refers it as "the therapeutic relationship."

The word before the phrase "therapeutic relationship" is unconscious and "the" connotes aloofness, coldness and is distant.

 

[SilentNinja]

Hi Space

this sounds soo much like my last psych! During the sessions her mobile phone would ring, and she would say excuse me its just my friends.. a few times she put it on silent mode but then she started answering it and talking and laughing, which made me feel awful, also... i never wanted my mum involved either... she doesnt really know half my problems, and id never tell my parents half the stuff i think.. even though im 25. But my psych asked if she could speak to her, so my mum was sitting there once or twice.. and i never spoke or said anything.

hmm i guess i dont really know what to say.. but i had to reply because it sounded so much like my experiences, well what i done was left.. i couldnt stand her anymore, or her staring at me, she loved to make me uncomfterable. Im due to see a new person in a few weeks though. Sorry i havnt helped in answer your questions or what to suggest.

 

[Yuray]

It might be time to look for another therapist. It will give you more insight as to how therapy works, and how it is supposed to work. It appears that personal feelings with your therapist are becoming a fixation and could cloud the real meaning / goal, of therapy, and the role's of the therapist / client relationship. OTOH, your feelings at this time regarding your therapist could justify therapy, giving you a better insight on your perception of whats going on between her and you, and perhaps allow more clarity as to some of the "why's" you are in therapy.

The goal of therapy is to increase the well being of the client. If this isn't happening, shop around. Therapists are only people, just as our friends are only people. We seldom remain friends with someone who contibutes nothing to our life, and so it should be with therapists. Square peg in a 'round hole kinda thing.

 

[NewKarma]

Anyway, this week, I texted her whether I could still see her this week and she said that she would like to meet with my parents. (I am 17 years old, but despite that, I believe that I am mature, and on this context, intelligent enough to engage in therapy independently. My mom knows that I've OCD, but a few months later, she asked why am I consulting a psychologist and what is OCD. My school counsellor did phone her about it). I am extremely uncomfortable with my folks getting involved in therapy due to several reasons. I would hate the intimacy and I do not want them to know of my rather schizo ideas. Anyhow, I asked her why, and she said that it is part of her professional ethics and conduct.

This sounds really bizarre to me, unless you had talked about harming yourself and she now thinks you're in danger of doing so...

Unfortunately I don't have much advice, other than to say that I think you need to find a new therapist. Sounds like there were some misunderstandings between you two. I don't think your "testing" her (as you described) is a good idea, but I admit that it sounds like she's being less-than-transparent herself! I think that if you can't come to an honest understanding with her, you should seek out a new therapist and start anew.

Good luck!

 

[space]

I am not even sure she is open to clearing up the misunderstandings because she texted that if I would like to have another session, I must, at least as possible, focus on my perceived inconsistencies of her.

This is puzzling.

I have been seeing her for one year, and I am not ready to just... leave.

 

[Banned]

I can understand not being ready to leave, space. You've made an emotional investment in this person and don't want to just toss in the towel and start over again, I'm sure.

I think that the first thing that needs to happen is this situation needs to get sorted out before you can move on to other things. Otherwise, this will always be like the elephant in the room that is making you uncertain, untrusting, and uncomfortable, and will jeopordize your therapy.

Hopefully you can find a way to articulate your misgivings and uncertainties in a way that will allow you to move forward with your therapy with her.

 

[Yuray]

I must, at least as possible, focus on my perceived inconsistencies of her.

To me, it sounds like she is trying to clear up the situation by this request. She is exactly right; seeing as it is your perception (true or false) that has you thinking the way you do. She is willing to address the issues you have with her, and leave you with at least an idea of 'where she is comong from'.

You've made an emotional investment in this person and don't want to just toss in the towel and start over again, I'm sure.

Turtle is right. You have an emotional investment in this person, for good or bad, but a good psychologist / therapist should see this as it unfolds and take steps to correct an emotional bonding whether one sided or not.

What are the credentials of your psychologist / therapist? There is a great difference between the two. From what you have written, it sounds as though you are involved with someone who is not living up to your expectaions, and a true psychologist with a doctoral background would act (I trust) in a different manner than you have described.

By the way, I refer to our therapeutic relationship is "our", but my therapist refers it as "the therapeutic relationship."

She is correct. You are the client, she is the therapist, just as you doctor is your doctor, and you are the patient. Cold sounding, I know, but that is, and should be, the reality. Therapists can be, and act, friendly (sincerely), but you are there depending on their expertise in making your life better through them pointing out inconsistencies and offering alternatives, but not being buddies.

Confronting a therapist / psychologist with such an issue is quite intimidating.

 

[space]

Thank you all for the replies.

My psychologist has a doctorate in Health Psychology.


I must, at least as possible, focus on my perceived inconsistencies of her.

I thought that this meant she is unwilling to talk about what has been happening between us for the past month. I am not ready to sweep these concerns under the rug but it seems as though I am supposed to do just that and move on to talking about the past events and present issues in my life.

I wrote a letter to my psychologist and hopefully we will have a session today.

With this stressful situation regarding therapy, my anxiety over the week has just increased and I am seeing new symptoms - shaking my head and stuttering. I wrote a letter because I might be too anxious, trembling and stuttering to formulate and verbalize my thoughts in front of her.

Why is "confronting a psychologist with such an issue quite intimidating?" I thought that mental health professionals are/should be open about the therapeutic relationship and any concerns arising from it? Pride is different from dignity. I am not injuring her dignity by bringing up these concerns with her, am I? I mean, shouldn't a psychologist be using the phrase "our therapeutic relationship" instead of "the therapeutic relationship" since it is a therapeutic relationship is an alliance?

---------- Post added April 23rd, 2010 at 07:45 AM ---------- Previous post was April 22nd, 2010 at 10:30 PM ----------

I had a session with my psychologist today.

She reasoned that things do happen and that some of what I have raised is unconscious of her.

She said that she has been busy and has not been able to even send of invoices.

I was still skeptical, but when I got home and double-check the difference of the receipt number, I realized that she is indeed busy. I feel so bad now. Before leaving the room, I said that I am sorry if what you said are true and that I have placed you in a difficult position in the session today and/or the past weeks.

Anyway, my psychologist said that she cannot have another session with me until she meets or at least speak on the phone with my mother. She understands that I have not posed as a threat to myself and others, but said that as a minor, my mother is my legal guardian and my primary caregiver, and she would like to talk with my mom. My psychologist said that therapy with me seems to be going nowhere because we aren't resolving any issues, and that I refuse to take medication for anxiety. She said that she doesn't mind failing, but has good intentions for my emotional well-being.

I hate myself.

 

[Yuray]

I hate myself.

If you are going to hate yourself, do it for the "right" reasons, (if there are any!). Looking for truth and resolution with a therapist is not one of them!

 

[space]

Please help me with this question: Is it right or wrong for my psychologist not to get back to me because she was very busy?

Actually, she said it is justified for me to feel rejected and that these things (not scheduling appointments) will happen again (well, of course that is if I continue to see her).

However, my concern is that as a psychologist, shouldn't she think of how her actions/inactions are going to affect her clients? I did bring this up, and if I am not mistaken, she said that these things are unconscious of her. If it is unconscious, does it mean that she is insensitive in this context?

I am drafting an apology letter to her, but if I include this questions to her, she'd be mad and my apologies will be wasted.

 

[Andy]

Hi Space, Maybe instead of asking her questions like that you could tell her what you need. For example, I'd appreciate the same courtesy that you would expect from me. A phone call to cancel appointments, being on time etc. (whatever your issues are with her). I don't think she owes you an explanation as to exactly why she has been busy though. What will happen once you get these answers from her? Is it going to change anything?
The fact that she is a psychologist doesn't make her inhuman. You would think she would be aware of her actions/inactions, I agree, but sometimes "life happens" for her as well.

I don't know if that helps any. I hope you find the answers your looking for. :2thumbs:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Is it right or wrong for my psychologist not to get back to me because she was very busy?

It's not a question of right or wrong but rather perhaps one of reality. It's not uncommon for me when I'm extra busy to arrive home at 9 or 9.30 or later, which is getting a little late for me to be phoning people, since I don't expect them to be on the same sleep-wake cycle as me. The fact that she disn't call you before you rte-contacted her doesn't mean she wasn't going to at all. Alternatively, I may have half a dozen phone calls to return and one may get overlooked at times when I'm extra busy oir stressed. I personally appreciate reminders from clients if that happens, but you have to remember that you are only one client among many and one message among many.

Hi Space, Maybe instead of asking her questions like that you could tell her what you need. For example, I'd appreciate the same courtesy that you would expect from me. A phone call to cancel appointments, being on time etc. (whatever your issues are with her). I don't think she owes you an explanation as to exactly why she has been busy though. What will happen once you get these answers from her? Is it going to change anything?

The fact that she is a psychologist doesn't make her inhuman. You would think she would be aware of her actions/inactions, I agree, but sometimes "life happens" for her as well.

Yes, exactly.