Heather
Member
Hi well I have been away for a while haven’t been up to being on here to be honest.
Anyway here is why: it is long so I will understand if you don’t read it!
I went through a real weird patch where I was trying to get rid of everyone and only help people but not get anything in return, I didn’t want help, I dunno it was weird and I was pushing everybody away.
I have had a lot go on both good and bad and I decided to put it all in the one post and if it get’s too much don’t worry just stop reading, it is all good.
I feel yukky right now, I am going through a HUGE self hate patch actually, I really hate myself right now. But that is besides the point here is my story (well my story over the last few months):
Anyway I have put the following under headings, so you can choose what you want to read, lol!
Triggered
First thing (well I think it was first), I had an awful flash back of when I was the R word when I was 11 and it happened by this student teacher who was visiting from America and then the very next day I had to go to class at uni and the lecturers were talking ALL about student teachers and about things like teaching and how our child hood impact on how we teach etc… well this really up set me. I stayed for the whole lecture and then I left straight away and went to the toilet (to avoid people seeing me cry) then I came out and heard one of my ‘friends’ talking about me and saying that I have recently been a little sensitive and I didn’t appreciate it (long story) so I told her I was sorry and had to go home as I was meant to meet her for dinner, anyway I really thought that what they said in the lecture was well it is hard to say but it needed clarification so at my next class I spoke to one of my teachers and she agreed and it was changed
but after I had been made to feel bad, lol!
My health
Then I got quite sick, I am having less sleep than normal (and I usually don’t have a lot), plus I stopped eating and am only just getting back into that now. Then I have taken myself off most of my meds – gone down from 13 to 4! Also I feel down an escalator and am already having physio for a bad neck and back.
Mobile Phone messages with old flat mate
She has been quite nasty in messages back to me when I have been simply asking for the keys back and stuff like that, I can’t ring her because my number comes up and she won’t answer it, she told my brother to get ****** the other day, sigh!
My sister
Has as usual been going through a lot and she collapsed after one of her exams! The exams she was doing were end of School ones so she has now graduated high school
Self Harm
I posted about reverting back to self harm well I did and now have constant urges it is the only relief that is working at present so I am really struggling with this.
Flat mate problems
My brother now lives with me and one night he was playing Country Music and I simply said to my flat mate that I hate it when he plays this as it reminds me of my old flat mate (she sings country music and I am still hurt from a lot of stuff she did – she still isn’t talking to me – she left on bad terms!), well she turned around and said ‘I don’t want to hear about it’ and went off at me, well I reacted by sticking up for myself (this doesn’t happen often) and she went off. Well I had to leave that night as I was so angry so I went for a walk and was still out at 1:30am and I got picked up by the Police, well she just expects everything to be ok now and there is no talking, I am meant to just get over it!
Then I went away and came back and some of my stuff was missing and all of my files were deleted from MY computer and an assignment question that I needed was missing, no one would have done it other than my flat mate!
Then all this caused arguments with my flat mates mum of course!
Uni Friend
A friend of mine was the R word on uni campus about 3 weeks ago and she told me but didn’t want anyone else to know, so I have been trying to help her, but then I had to go away, well I then came back and I spoke to the social worker who is on campus and she was great but gave me some advice to call this person on campus to see if my friend could perhaps sit her exams away from campus as she is too scared to come back right now, and I got such a negative response and was told that the uni couldn’t do a lot, I was so upset but the women took my name so I politely kept pushing for information and telling her how unfair this was etc… then I had to give up. Well when this happened to me my mum (shock horror) actually rang the uni and so I got into contact with this person from the Vice Chancellors Office, well when I got a negative response from the other person I rang her in tears (as I was crying after the other women) anyway then she said oh no and did EVERYTHING possible to help my friend. The uni will have counselors ring her so she doesn’t have to come to campus to see them, also they will arrange for her to do her exams in several months so that she has a chance to recover a bit and there is heaps of other things that they are going to do for her. Anyway I was upset as I thought they were going to do nothing and it ended up they are going out of there way to help, but I tell you what the whole experience has had me triggered for one, also I am angry etc… for my friend and am guilty as I didn’t report mine and maybe if I did things would be different now.
Advocacy work
The uni is now going to set up this group of people, all females, and they are going to be there to help female students if they are attacked on campus and they can do it anonymously or through phone, email or face to face and it is going to be so great! Anyway and I am helping make students aware of the risk of being attacked on campus.
I have also gone into advocacy work for child abuse as well!
My trip
Well I went away and went to a 21st and it was great! But also on the trip I had to stay with mum which was so hard… but the worst part was that I went to both of my parents house while I was away and it made me so sad they are living in pig sty’s there homes smell and are filthy, at my dads his fridge is all rotten and so are his cupboards, so I am hoping to go back and clean for them soon, sigh, it was an awful trip all round
And then one of my mum’s neighbors is verbally abusing her children and this really hurt and I am writing a letter about it now, because they don’t need taking off her but she needs support.
Secret
I have this horrible secret to keep and can’t tell ANYONE as it will harm someone if I do and its so hard to live with, it actually affects me as well!
Death of friend’s baby
At 2 weeks old! Friend very messed up as you can understand but she had too much brain damage.
Then there are other friends who are not doing well after my friend’s death and I am still TRYING to stay strong for them.
Counseling
I went to the counselor and took her a piece of paper talking about some abuse from when I was a child, yes I actually FOR ONCE gave her details!!!
Other stuff
Then this isn’t to mention normal uni stuff and the other stuff I am already dealing with.
*Sigh* now can you see why I have been so quiet of late, no one will believe all this stuff at time.
Good stuff
But there was good though i.e. the Girls’ Brigade thing and a few other bits and pieces.
I just really hate myself and am too tired to do this anymore. I have a lot to deal with and 2 to 4 hours sleep a night (when I get that, lol) just isn’t cutting it!
Sorry to bore you to tears, I doubt anyone would get this far anyway, I wrote a book! I just didn’t want to do individual posts I wanted to get it all out.
Anyway I must go, I still have my sister and mum here and this is requiring a lot of my energy right now!
Thinking of you all and wishing you all well.
Heather…
P.S. I just want to omit myself to a Mental Hospital and be over with it!
Anyway here is why: it is long so I will understand if you don’t read it!
I went through a real weird patch where I was trying to get rid of everyone and only help people but not get anything in return, I didn’t want help, I dunno it was weird and I was pushing everybody away.
I have had a lot go on both good and bad and I decided to put it all in the one post and if it get’s too much don’t worry just stop reading, it is all good.
I feel yukky right now, I am going through a HUGE self hate patch actually, I really hate myself right now. But that is besides the point here is my story (well my story over the last few months):
Anyway I have put the following under headings, so you can choose what you want to read, lol!
Triggered
First thing (well I think it was first), I had an awful flash back of when I was the R word when I was 11 and it happened by this student teacher who was visiting from America and then the very next day I had to go to class at uni and the lecturers were talking ALL about student teachers and about things like teaching and how our child hood impact on how we teach etc… well this really up set me. I stayed for the whole lecture and then I left straight away and went to the toilet (to avoid people seeing me cry) then I came out and heard one of my ‘friends’ talking about me and saying that I have recently been a little sensitive and I didn’t appreciate it (long story) so I told her I was sorry and had to go home as I was meant to meet her for dinner, anyway I really thought that what they said in the lecture was well it is hard to say but it needed clarification so at my next class I spoke to one of my teachers and she agreed and it was changed
My health
Then I got quite sick, I am having less sleep than normal (and I usually don’t have a lot), plus I stopped eating and am only just getting back into that now. Then I have taken myself off most of my meds – gone down from 13 to 4! Also I feel down an escalator and am already having physio for a bad neck and back.
Mobile Phone messages with old flat mate
She has been quite nasty in messages back to me when I have been simply asking for the keys back and stuff like that, I can’t ring her because my number comes up and she won’t answer it, she told my brother to get ****** the other day, sigh!
My sister
Has as usual been going through a lot and she collapsed after one of her exams! The exams she was doing were end of School ones so she has now graduated high school
Self Harm
I posted about reverting back to self harm well I did and now have constant urges it is the only relief that is working at present so I am really struggling with this.
Flat mate problems
My brother now lives with me and one night he was playing Country Music and I simply said to my flat mate that I hate it when he plays this as it reminds me of my old flat mate (she sings country music and I am still hurt from a lot of stuff she did – she still isn’t talking to me – she left on bad terms!), well she turned around and said ‘I don’t want to hear about it’ and went off at me, well I reacted by sticking up for myself (this doesn’t happen often) and she went off. Well I had to leave that night as I was so angry so I went for a walk and was still out at 1:30am and I got picked up by the Police, well she just expects everything to be ok now and there is no talking, I am meant to just get over it!
Then I went away and came back and some of my stuff was missing and all of my files were deleted from MY computer and an assignment question that I needed was missing, no one would have done it other than my flat mate!
Then all this caused arguments with my flat mates mum of course!
Uni Friend
A friend of mine was the R word on uni campus about 3 weeks ago and she told me but didn’t want anyone else to know, so I have been trying to help her, but then I had to go away, well I then came back and I spoke to the social worker who is on campus and she was great but gave me some advice to call this person on campus to see if my friend could perhaps sit her exams away from campus as she is too scared to come back right now, and I got such a negative response and was told that the uni couldn’t do a lot, I was so upset but the women took my name so I politely kept pushing for information and telling her how unfair this was etc… then I had to give up. Well when this happened to me my mum (shock horror) actually rang the uni and so I got into contact with this person from the Vice Chancellors Office, well when I got a negative response from the other person I rang her in tears (as I was crying after the other women) anyway then she said oh no and did EVERYTHING possible to help my friend. The uni will have counselors ring her so she doesn’t have to come to campus to see them, also they will arrange for her to do her exams in several months so that she has a chance to recover a bit and there is heaps of other things that they are going to do for her. Anyway I was upset as I thought they were going to do nothing and it ended up they are going out of there way to help, but I tell you what the whole experience has had me triggered for one, also I am angry etc… for my friend and am guilty as I didn’t report mine and maybe if I did things would be different now.
Advocacy work
The uni is now going to set up this group of people, all females, and they are going to be there to help female students if they are attacked on campus and they can do it anonymously or through phone, email or face to face and it is going to be so great! Anyway and I am helping make students aware of the risk of being attacked on campus.
I have also gone into advocacy work for child abuse as well!
My trip
Well I went away and went to a 21st and it was great! But also on the trip I had to stay with mum which was so hard… but the worst part was that I went to both of my parents house while I was away and it made me so sad they are living in pig sty’s there homes smell and are filthy, at my dads his fridge is all rotten and so are his cupboards, so I am hoping to go back and clean for them soon, sigh, it was an awful trip all round
Secret
I have this horrible secret to keep and can’t tell ANYONE as it will harm someone if I do and its so hard to live with, it actually affects me as well!
Death of friend’s baby
At 2 weeks old! Friend very messed up as you can understand but she had too much brain damage.
Then there are other friends who are not doing well after my friend’s death and I am still TRYING to stay strong for them.
Counseling
I went to the counselor and took her a piece of paper talking about some abuse from when I was a child, yes I actually FOR ONCE gave her details!!!
Other stuff
Then this isn’t to mention normal uni stuff and the other stuff I am already dealing with.
*Sigh* now can you see why I have been so quiet of late, no one will believe all this stuff at time.
Good stuff
But there was good though i.e. the Girls’ Brigade thing and a few other bits and pieces.
I just really hate myself and am too tired to do this anymore. I have a lot to deal with and 2 to 4 hours sleep a night (when I get that, lol) just isn’t cutting it!
Sorry to bore you to tears, I doubt anyone would get this far anyway, I wrote a book! I just didn’t want to do individual posts I wanted to get it all out.
Anyway I must go, I still have my sister and mum here and this is requiring a lot of my energy right now!
Thinking of you all and wishing you all well.
Heather…
P.S. I just want to omit myself to a Mental Hospital and be over with it!