Missed Link
Member
I'm at home, alone, and it's 9/11 again. I took part in the construction of those 2 buildings - I worked in the purchasing department of one of the electrical construction companies, talked with the guys building those towers a couple of times a week. Helped my boss with ordering materials.
On 9/11/01, I was working with an officer in a prison whose brother-in-law was in one of those buildings and died. Everyone in the medical unit with me watched the towers go down, live on TV -- 75 miles north of the site. Many of us grew up in NYC, and lived part of our adult lives there, myself included. 3 months after the attack, I got a promotion and transferred to a state university, and the students and staff were still in the throes of mourning. Many, many had lost loved ones at the World Trade Center. A few of our students even lost both parents in those buildings. What a shock for them! They were still holding memorial gatherings on campus periodically in memory of those lost, and it helped them through the trauma.
Every Sept 11th since the day of the attack, I find myself in tears, full of inexplicable aching inside, emotional and mental pain. I have never been able to watch TV on the anniversaries. This morning, I made myself watch about 5 minutes. That's all I could manage. Tears are running down my face as I write this. It was 11 years ago. I am a fighter for my recovery from bipolar and one who works hard at moving forward, always setting the bar higher, setting goals, analyzing and challenging myself. Yet this is one area where I've made little progress. I am hurting deeply and thought perhaps by writing and sharing it might help. It hasn't. I visited my psychologist a few days ago and talked about it because I knew today was coming. We talked about desensitization, and how for something traumatic it takes hard work and a very long time to lessen the effects. Everything else in my life I have faced the challenges head on. With 9/11, I have avoided it. Avoided TV accounts, talking about it, reading about it -- it's just too painful. Today, I tried to watch a little bit of the TV reporting about 9/11 and could only handle 5 minutes. And I'm writing and sharing with you here. Both in an attempt to look at the event and my emotions square in the eye to deal with them. This is gut wrenchingly painful. But perhaps it is a first step. How long until is becomes just another sad memory without the pain? I try to keep my emotions reigned in because to feel it freely and let my mind go through it all, I worry about setting off another mood swing. Perhaps I should set myself free to feel and then just deal with whatever comes. It's not that I don't know how to handle the mood swings. But I prefer stability. Any thoughts?
On 9/11/01, I was working with an officer in a prison whose brother-in-law was in one of those buildings and died. Everyone in the medical unit with me watched the towers go down, live on TV -- 75 miles north of the site. Many of us grew up in NYC, and lived part of our adult lives there, myself included. 3 months after the attack, I got a promotion and transferred to a state university, and the students and staff were still in the throes of mourning. Many, many had lost loved ones at the World Trade Center. A few of our students even lost both parents in those buildings. What a shock for them! They were still holding memorial gatherings on campus periodically in memory of those lost, and it helped them through the trauma.
Every Sept 11th since the day of the attack, I find myself in tears, full of inexplicable aching inside, emotional and mental pain. I have never been able to watch TV on the anniversaries. This morning, I made myself watch about 5 minutes. That's all I could manage. Tears are running down my face as I write this. It was 11 years ago. I am a fighter for my recovery from bipolar and one who works hard at moving forward, always setting the bar higher, setting goals, analyzing and challenging myself. Yet this is one area where I've made little progress. I am hurting deeply and thought perhaps by writing and sharing it might help. It hasn't. I visited my psychologist a few days ago and talked about it because I knew today was coming. We talked about desensitization, and how for something traumatic it takes hard work and a very long time to lessen the effects. Everything else in my life I have faced the challenges head on. With 9/11, I have avoided it. Avoided TV accounts, talking about it, reading about it -- it's just too painful. Today, I tried to watch a little bit of the TV reporting about 9/11 and could only handle 5 minutes. And I'm writing and sharing with you here. Both in an attempt to look at the event and my emotions square in the eye to deal with them. This is gut wrenchingly painful. But perhaps it is a first step. How long until is becomes just another sad memory without the pain? I try to keep my emotions reigned in because to feel it freely and let my mind go through it all, I worry about setting off another mood swing. Perhaps I should set myself free to feel and then just deal with whatever comes. It's not that I don't know how to handle the mood swings. But I prefer stability. Any thoughts?
