More threads by chell

chell

Member
l just wanted to have a say on this. My daughter knows l take pills for depression (dysthsmia) which will be ongoing the rest of my life and l am trying to learn coping skills with my Therapist. l also have severe anxiety attacks that is so terrible at times, it is to the point that l won't leave the house for periods of time.

The Dr. told me l don't have the coping skills l once did and that is why l have these afflictions. She also said l have a personality disorder and now l am on disability for it.

l am not ashamed that l have this problem and l do talk about it freely because it is nothing l did to cause it and l have had people tell me their stories that sound very similar to mine.

Anyways, my daughter who is 20 yrs old, told me she was going to call the show "lntervention" to tell them l was a drug addict for all the pills l take. l told her l took the pills for depression, my anxiety and my back, that was it.

She then told me she had talked with her Father , my Ex about the situation of my taking pills and he told her not to come over here in case l flip out on her since l am a mental case.

Then she dropped the bomb that really broke my heart, one day when she did come to visit, l asked her when she had her baby, if l could babysit sometimes and have the baby overnight to give her a break and she told me No, that l can't be trusted because l might pass out on the pills and l was to stop taking the pills immediately (cold turkey) if l wanted to see the baby.

l told l can't just stop cold turkey because my body would not be able to take it and then she just up and left saying l had my chance.

lt is like l have already been judged without even coming with me to my Dr. to hear that l am no danger to myself or anyone else. l am fully alert and have never passed out. l would have really liked my daughter to come with me to my appointment so the Dr. could reassure her and tell her that l am not some monster high on drugs.

Chell
 
perhaps get your doctor to write a note for your duaghter to read assuring her that you are safe and that your medication is more helpful then harmful. Telling her t hat the medication is what is making you stable not unstable. Could your doctor send her a note like that it might help her see things more clearly It is so hard for people to understand maybe she will in time see i hope so
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I think part of the problem is a version of "parental alienation syndrome" - where the ex is engaging in fear-mongering and promoting the idea that Chell is either "crazy" or addicted.
 

Murray

Member
This is such a sad situation. I agree with Violet that since your daughter refuses to talk to your doctor that maybe a note would help. Maybe in time as she sees that you are staying stable on the medication she may come to understand that it is helping you. If she is to be a first time new mom, she may also be a bit overly cautious as well as possibly a bit hormonal, so her stance might soften given some time. I am so sorry that you are in this situation but am glad that you are sticking with your therapy and meds to help yourself.
 

SoSo

Member
Chell, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this with your daughter. I went through it also years ago. My daughter blackmailed me with my grandaughter the same way. If I didn't do everything she wanted, I could not see my grandaughter. It went on for 3-4 years until finally, I realized my health was slipping away from me because of it. I loved my daughter, my grandaughter but finally had to say enough is enough. I stood up for myself. I didn't see my grandaughter for years, still don't. It makes me very sad but it was my daughters choice to do this, to use the child as a bargaining tool to get her way. A child should never, ever be 'used' like that. I hope you can work this out, perhaps take her with you to the doctor so she/he can explain in detail to your daughter the meds and the reason you are taking them. I would not want to be where you are now as I know how very much it hurts. Take care of you and hopefully, your daughter will see you for the person you are, in spite of the meds you have to take, you are still her mother and a loving person.
SoSo
 
I agree with what Dr Baxter says as well perhaps you can talk with your ex or get the doctor to talk to him to get him to back down a bit. His input is causing your daughter to see things not clearly as well He is causing so much harm. Talk with him and perhaps bring him to the doctors appt as he needs to be educated as well. He seems to be a big part of the problem
 

chell

Member
Thank you all very much for your responses. l will try the Dr.s note and see if that helps. My daughter and son are seeing their Dad almost on a daily basis because they live near each other and l am an hour and a half away, so l am not there to defend myself.
Since being near her Dad she has become quite rude to me, swearing at me and telling me she will be here for a visit and never showing up or calling to let me know she was not coming.
l have to take care of me and l treasure my time here alone away from all the mayhem going on in Kanata.
So it is nice to hear all the advice on here because l was feeling pretty upset with what my daughter had said to me. l felt like such a failure not being able to see my grandchild.
Chell
 

rdw

MVP, Forum Supporter
MVP
I am in a similar situation. It is heartbreaking but I have learned that you must look after yourself and your mental health first. When I was trying to convince my children that I was a nice person and was not using my depression as a manipulative tool, I became more depressed and more anxious. One day I found the strength to say enough and in that moment I found peace within myself. Counselling and medication helped me to find my way back to who I am - not a mother, not a grandmother but me. So please believe me when I tell you that you are not a failure and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think sometimes we forget to be as thoughtful and kind to ourselves as we are to our children.
 

chell

Member
You have hit the nail right on the head. You have said the words that l could not find what to say. My Therapist is trying very hard to make me see what you had finally been able to see for you yourself, but l am struggling so hard not to be a Mom first.
l know l have to take care of me first and let them go and live their lives but for me l always wanted to remain part of their lives as well. lt is the letting go that is the hardest for me to do.
l know what they think of me and l have tried so hard to make them see me as a Mom that just has some problems now but they see it as a sign of weakness and my daughter told me that her Dad, she and her brother all work and they would never stoop so low as to sit around all day not working. l have agrophobia also, so l have alot to work on for myself and it has been a rough road these past few years. l listened to what she had to say and l felt ashamed of myself but l am on disability not welfare as what my daughter thinks l am on.
But in all honesty, when my daughter is not around now insulting me, it is one less struggle l have to go through. l just thought having the baby would stop all this bickering and bring us closer again and instead it is just bringing us further apart.
A friend of mine told me that God only gives us what we can handle but this is one big mess that l have to handle alone and l find it extremely hard to deal with.
Chell
 

rdw

MVP, Forum Supporter
MVP
The letting go was the hardest part and I fought that for months and months and months. I became more anxious, more depressed and more unhealthy everyday. It seemed like I had to hit rock bottom where I could not endure one more insult or criticism before I said enough. I was done. It was not an easy decision but it felt right on the inside. I asked them for a sabbatical to heal myself however this caused a further deterioration in the relationships. My children did not see me as a person with problems. They only knew me as mom who fixed everything in their planet and who would drop everything to right their world. After seven years where we as a family careened from crisis to crisis, I could not endure anymore and became depressed and ANXIOUS. I needed to look after myself - I needed to find myself again. Easy no, this is not easy, but it is worthwhile. I am stronger every day. My friends say I am finally me again after three long years of being someone else.
Good luck with your therapy and recovery. You have to believe in yourself, your therapist and YOUR future.
 

SoSo

Member
I read Dr. Phil's Life Strategies book a few years back that helped me. In this book it stressed over and over the 5 priorities we must set in order to live a good life. This is the order he suggested we should live our lives:

1. God or whoever we believe in, a higher power, Lord Shiva, Buddha, etc.---we must put our faith in something to give us strength, doesn't matter what it is, just something to draw strength from.
2. Ourselves---if we do not put ourselves second, look after ourselves, then we are of no use to others.
3. Loved ones
4. Career
5. Friends

I also had trouble thinking of myself before everyone else, even strangers. I thought to be a good, decent person I should come last but it made so much sense after reading that book that if I did not look after me before others, I was useless to others as well as myself.

Wish you all the best and hope in time that your children will change their opinions, etc and things will work out for you.
SoSo
 

Raina

Member
That is a tough one....people trust me with children because I hide my pills and don't talk about taking them even when it comes up. I am also very good with children...they really like being around me and usually ask for me after I look after them once.

My sister wanted me to raise her child and I had to say no because I did not have my own children because of my illness...it is something that I can do from time to time but not ongoing.

I had stigma against myself and it was expressed in my not talking about my mental illness to anybody really. That is because when I did people inevitably froze me out or were not comfortable with me. I have two very distinctly different personalities...one is efficient and straight laced...the other is romantic and creative and playful ...both are dreamers. It only became evident to me a few years ago and I am still working through it.

While I have overcome the stigma against myself and my self loathing is no longer a factor...I don't know if I can find friends who don't have stigma...even with people who have a mental health diagnosis...there are issues... like you would not understand this...you have PTSD...and I am bipolar...it is all very fatiguing ...people find having multiple personalities frightening....even people with depression (which I find is the most accepted diagnosis) tend to be judgmental...at least that has been my experience.

I guess the only way you can help your circumstances is to demonstrate stability in the face of the diagnosis...succeed in other parts of your life and your daughter might come around. Some people though just like to be mean...my sister pretends to accept my diagnosis but then when we have an argument she throws my diagnosis in my face and the fact that I have been on the mental ward several times. She calls my illness 'the sickness'....

All we can really do is learn to accept ourselves and that means accepting that not everyone will accept us not even family...sorry you cannot see your grandchild...that hurts i am sure....when I went into hospital last time one of the children that I took care of sometimes was taken from me and that hurt because we had a pretty strong bond...I cried but then I moved on after a few months...when it is your own family it hurts even more...so I cannot pretend that it is the same thing...I just understand that you hurt...and I feel for you and hope that something will happen that your daughter will come around.
 
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