Monologue

[amazingmouse]

I feel really discouraged today. I feel like I need long term therapy and I can't afford it, neither can imagine finding a good psychologist in my area. Had very bad experiences with in-person therapy before and I am not really thrilled to give someone over 200 dollars an hour, just to find out that it is not going to work. How much does one have to earn to afford such fees (coverage where I live is partial and only for 1-2 hours)? And if I was really flourishing in my career and healthy enough to be that successful, why would I need any therapy?
I am not considering seeing a psychiatrist, since I don't feel that I have a psychiatric disorder and I am not a fan of psycho-pharmacology. The more I read about some recent medications, the more horrible it sounds. In other words, I am not interested in seeing a psychiatrist.
I know some counsellors could be good, but I feel like my situation is really complicated and not easy to be resolved by someone inexperienced. I am trying to learn some therapeutic approaches, but I just can't spin my head around possible solutions for my long term dilemmas.

 

[MHealthJo]

It is a lot of money, that's for sure.

If you cannot afford or are not going to pursue therapy right now amazingmouse, I encourage you to look into schema therapy resources and acceptance and commitment therapy resources. These aspects can be useful for complex stuff and have been very useful to me... Probably nothing quite replaces a trusting relationship with a good therapist though.

Hope you find some useful tools.

 

[amazingmouse]

Thank you, Mental Health Jo for trying to help.
I am feeling better today, after a good night sleep. What I love about myself today is that I made a picture representing me and my current struggles and now I am taking components of each element of the picture and placing it on a separate piece of white paper, representing the real component on one page and the "dream" or desired component of my life on the other page and writing down what changes I could make in between both, based on what obstacles I see in each area of functioning. I hope I finish taking apart the big picture today. I had to sit down with myself. Never thought I was creative, but apparently structures don't work as well for me, as making a sketch, or writing a poem and going from there. Thanks for your advice, I have not read much on the therapies you listed.

 

[making_art]

Amazingmouse, I can only imagine how you feel.....for me personally I found the shortest and most secure route to relief was through a professional therapist. I also found that after a few years medication was the shortest and most secure way for relief and I remember thinking that if I had only started medication sooner it would not have taken those few years to find the kind of relief I needed. I spent much time on self help all along the way. Keep in mind that medication does not need to be forever for some people and for others it does. Your therapist would be the best person to let you know if medication was needed. Talk therapies alone are good for some.

None of us can tell you what you need because we are all individuals with our individual needs and what works for some does not work for others......but....a therapist that is a "good fit" for you is the key to finding some kind of relief. I would suggest looking for a therapist trained in CBT because our thinking affects how we feel... that therapist could then recommend other therapies or provide them. Some therapists provide sliding scales. No matter the cost where there is a will there is a way and your health is worth the cost. Perhaps just a few sessions will be enough to give you direction and some relief. Only the therapist can tell you what they feel you need.

Also you may need to try a few therapists before finding a good fit....as you mentioned you had a bad experience or a bad fit with one therapist but this will not be the case when you find a good fit. You also want to be sure that you are using a licensed therapist.

See these links on how to find a therapist:
Finding Mental Health Care When Money Is Tight
How To Find A Good Therapist

 

[amazingmouse]

Thanks, making art, it is mostly domestic and life-dissatisfaction issues, so I do not feel really disturbed to the point of needing medications.
While, medications help a lot of people, they are heavily over-prescribed in my view, and sometimes you can't fix a situation by taking a pill. It is not like I am hearing voices or desperately wanting to hurt myself, I think I am okay with self-reflection and therapeutic approaches for the time being. I have tried SSRI before and felt awful. I would rather stay without them. But, thanks for the compassion. I am in some form of therapy, but sometimes you feel like you just want someone that you can go to cry to, and I don't have such a person in my life, as I don't have any friends or relatives now. In fact, I am more rational and more able to put things into perspective today. Yes, it takes time, and no, I do not like spending 3 hours reflecting on issues, but I need to do it. No therapist or coach can do this for me. It is just setting time for understanding myself better and trying to set direction in my own life. What I am doing now works, and I feel encouraged today. Thank you for being here for me, this forum is helpful.

---------- Post Merged at 03:24 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:34 PM ----------

Look at this link, explaining existing versus living:

http://www.mineplex.com/forums/m/11929946/viewthread/26178176-what-difference-between-living-existing/www.bit.ly/www.youtube.com

 

[MHealthJo]

That sounds like a useful visual-representation exercise you were doing amazingmouse, things like that can be really useful.

And so often just knowing that people care makes a big difference and in time helps us work out our path. So be assured that we are thinking of you amazingmouse, glad that you can connect with kind people and information here. :support:

 

[making_art]

Having friends can be the next best thing to a therapist.......

 

[amazingmouse]

Having friends can be the next best thing to a therapist.......

Right.

 

[amazingmouse]

Thank you all for your support, especially Steve and making_art and Mental Health Jo. I have to take a break from this forum, due to starting intense therapy! I will miss you all!

 

[MHealthJo]

Good work amazingmouse, hope you can get through the hard times, and be sure to speak openly with your therapist about the difficult things that come up. That is completely normal during therapy. So ask here if you are confused about anything, and remember it is normal for it to be really really hard.

Also be sure to ask your therapist about what ways you can cope with the hardest parts as you go through the journey.

It is very hard to let ourself become a bit vulnerable, but after we develop trust for a while, that is how we can experience some healing.

Good healing to you.

 

[amazingmouse]

Thanks, MHJo! I do not expect any "major" changes to occur in my life, but just some medium to express my sadness about my current circumstances.

 

[amazingmouse]

I do not know why I just feel like I do not want to go to any therapy. I cancelled last minute last week and he rescheduled me, and now I am getting ideas of just not showing up!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Don't just not show up.

If you feel unready to proceed and if the thought of proceeding is creating excessive anxiety, it seems to me you need to take some time to process that anxiety first. But, and this is important, instead of looking for reasons not to go, start to explore why the thought of going is causing you such anxiety.

Call and cancel the appointment for now. Let your therapist know that you need to work some things out in your head before proceeding with therapy and tell him/her that you will call for an appointment when you are ready to proceed.

 

[amazingmouse]

Thank you. I have already called and he is willing to let me talk to him for free for about 20 min and schedule an appointment later on.

 

[MHealthJo]

Glad that you could decide what to do for the time being Amazingmouse. Thanks Dr Baxter for guidance about this situation.

I'll add the thoughts I had in response to your other thoughts when I first read your earlier merged post Amazingmouse:

The feeling or experience of being judged, blamed, viewed as defective, or looked down on, is a very very hard and hurtful feeling. It is certainly a feeling that none of us want to experience. This is very, very understandable.

A very hard thing is that so many of us who could benefit from the support, kindness, and care of a good therapist, are in that position because of life experiences where there have been people unfairly judging us, looking down on us, blaming us, telling us we are defective, invalidating us, or putting us down. Sometimes as an adult or teen, or sometimes as a beautiful precious innocent child. In either case, treatment like that is not caring and not deserved, and not right.

We sure don't want or need any more opportunities to experience that!

What is so hard is that because of the bad treatment we have had, we may then feel or see a lot of possibilities or dangers of these things happening again... or we may even occasionally think it is happening when perhaps it is not.... there may be some triggers there. We are all fallible humans after all. And that is absolutely not our fault or something "wrong" with us, to judge or look down on. Rather, it is something that deserves care and kindness and understanding, and specialized work we can do with our therapist that will make our life feel different.

We may even have had the experience of working with people like doctors, who some of them at times have been known to be prideful, bossy, haughty people, who don't mind putting others down , judging others, acting like their workplace (or the world around us) is a 'hierarchy', and throwing their weight around. As someone who has worked behind the scenes with medical doctors, I have experienced this attitude that some of them have. (Gratefully, not all!)

The good news is that the therapy profession tends to attract more people who have benefited from the empathy and understanding and nonjudgment of someone.... and they become inspired and want to give this back to others with kindness, compassion, respect, and equality. Rather than the tendency where the medical doctors' profession does, sometimes, (not all the time) attract quite a few people who love to be above others in money, power, prestige. Being a "Medical Doctor" sure lets everyone know it, and sometimes those kinds of prideful, haughty, uncompassionate people are drawn to this status, power, riches, etc of that profession. Research in my country has pointed unfortunately to quite high rates of narcissism and psychopathy among medical doctors.

The good news is that the world of therapy and psychology is a different branch of science, with a different dynamic, and tends to attract a different set of people. There are certainly some bad apples, so we must certainly use the first few sessions to ascertain whether we feel comfortable. We must always only trust somebody slowly, if and when we feel gradually that it is okay to do so. That is certainly wise, and you do not need to make yourself very vulnerable at first. You may spend some time getting to know the person and checking your comfort level, and progress as slowly as you want to.

The other thing that I will say is that good therapists have specialized knowledge and ability that has been developed through research and science.

If we are not a doctor and cannot prescribe and administer a researched medication or treatment for a hospital situation, then we would not be able to be as helpful on the scene of an accident or outbreak of disease, as an ICU or an emergency room with doctors and nurses on staff would.

If we are not an automotive technician or computer technician, we would be missing out if we try to address difficult car problems or computer problems on our own.

In the same way, clinical psychologists have specialised skills in the science of human wellbeing and human lives. They simply know how to figure out things, and assist us with things, in ways that we could never work out on our own despite veing very very intelligent. I'll attest to this.

New possibilities exist, but without the specialized knowledge and work in the therapy room, we cannot see them.

My thoughts are with you amazingmouse as it is certainly, certainly a scary thing to do. You have my support and care and good wishes as you consider the options in front of you and think about the understandably scary idea, and if/when you experience unwelcome feelings that might come up if you decide to go ahead. After all, with support and feedback from caring people, we can handle things we couldn't handle before. :support:

 

[amazingmouse]

Thank you MHJo, for the long and compassionate post! I met with the guy for about half an hour and he didn't even charge me. To my surprise, I felt very safe above anything else and not judged. I figured some of my biggest fears were the fear of judgement, the fear of being secretly assessed and possibly diagnosed with mental illness, the fear of feeling inferior or being put under pressure to say or do things against my beliefs, and mostly things that I might not be ready for, the fear of being triggered to feel unsafe. I did not want to feel weak and not in charge of the situation. I don't know why I was so scared.
Good news are, this psychologist said I just needed general counselling, he did not diagnose me with anything, I was not judged or made feeling unsafe or inferior. I have always felt judged and unsafe with my previous two face to face therapists. The first one judging me personally and trying to flirt with me, and the second one working in an environment that made me feel unsafe, and again behaving lofty and judgemental.
This time, for the first time I felt very safe. Very safe, no triggers, no judgements, and I was in charge of the situation. To my surprise, I was told that traditional methods like CBT or DBT were useless in my situation. To be honest, I am happy I went. I never felt so safe in a therapist's or even MD's office. It just made me realize how I exaggerated situations and was expecting dangers where there were none. It might sound stupid, but when I walked in in a building with security officers, I felt good. Also, I was able to say what I wanted without fear and I felt the other person was just a neutral "helper". I was so relieved to find out that my anxiety was out of touch with reality.

 

[MHealthJo]

So glad to hear amazingmouse!

Best wishes, and feel free to talk to us if anything confusing comes up or if you feel unsure of things at any time.

 

[amazingmouse]

Thanks, MHJo! You are a good person, and so is Dr. Baxter!

 

[amazingmouse]

I feel so calm in the past few days, as if some major fear went away, it is a bit of an unusual feeling, as my kids would say it starts with "P" and ends with "E" and there is only three letters in the middle - "E", "A", "C".
I guess I had enough of psycho-dynamic therapies in the past.

---------- Post Merged at 03:51 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 11:23 AM ----------

I meant no offence to all those amazing psycho-dynamic brains out there. It just did not work for me personally in the past and a lot of my bias was based on this past, which I realized will never be replicated.

 

[amazingmouse]

It was all good, until I was served the possible codependency b.s. and that he had to explore possible personality issues, which doesn't go anywhere close to helpful or good in my case. Wanting a relationship based on basic principles like acceptance, respect, support doesn't make you a term from anyone's book!
I know what I need to work on and I am not going to therapy to find out what's wrong with me! I am beaten enough by reality, no thanks. I hate to say it but it is making me upset and I am not going back.

---------- Post Merged at 04:57 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:54 AM ----------

I feel like I am at the point of restoring my health and starting to be able to act on resolving issues.

---------- Post Merged at 08:25 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:57 AM ----------

I have been thinking and reading a lot recently and now I know what direction I need to head in. I have seen the psychologist only twice for less than one and a half hours, and while I felt safe, I don't feel his goals are going to provide positive results for me and from previous experience I already know that therapy can both heal and harm.
Maybe ones I am over working in my head on the more immediate issues I can proceed with these kinds of suggestions, but right now I need a different approach. I have other problems to address before I submit to a personality analysis. I feel I am making an excellent progress using self help materials and writing down thoughts and action plans, I really need to start working actively, I.e. engage in certain behaviors that can challenge my fears and bring me closer to my goals.