My "boyfriend"

[jadep]

Ok, so I met this guy a few years ago, never really liked him at first but we ended up hanging out a bunch of times and i we had so much in common, we would laugh so much together, do everything together, have sleep overs together, he seemed like the perfect guy for me.

After about 8 months i noticed that he would get mad very easily. I tried to do everything to make him happy. I dont think he has ever cheated but i really dont know. After about a year is when things got the worst, he liked to drink, we would go out drinking on the weekends, and every time we drank he would get in a huge fight with me, he would end up calling me names, yelling at me, putting me down about my family etc. I'm not going to lie i'd say things back like "why are you so angry, are you heartbroken over your ex you were with for 5 years before" he would always call my friends sluts and a lot of the time when he called me on his way home from work he would tell me how he almost got in a fist fight with a homeless person (he works downtown as a plumber), or got in a argument with a co worker/boss, etc. It was almost like walking on egg shells around him, he would get angry over the most stupid stuff.

If someone brought something up that upset him he would take the anger out on me. I feel like such a fool because i was so attached to him, i was so in love with him. I didn't really have a supportive family so he and his famiy felt like mine. He had sisters who were amazing and never saw this side of him. Actualy everyone thought i was the crazy one because of how emotional i would become when he hurt me. The thing that would hurt me the most is when he would ignore me.

When he did this i'd call him over and over because i just wanted to talk and work things out. He never cared if i was hurt, i would leave his house crying a number of times. He never seems to care if I have hurt feelings! He never calls me over and over or anything but knows i'm always there for him in a heartbeat. In the two years that i've known him, he has fought with his brother, and not spoken with him for a 5 month straight period. He likes to go out for beers a lot (he never used to be a regular at the bar when i started dating him) but it seems like the friends he used to have, aren't his friends anymore.

All his friends are his brother's friends who like to go to the local pub, he likes to socialize at the bar and when he's with his friends, for the most part, there is aways drinking involved, not that he gets drunk every time. I keep having this hope that he will realize/change and go back to the person he was when i met him. What hurts me the VERY most is when he ignores me, I feel so upset and almost suicidal when he does this to me. All i think about is his smile and after over thinking everything i almost feel like it's my fault and start calling him over and over to talk things out. I know i have done things wrong in the relationship.

Not that i tell him that guys hit on me, but if he found out, he would somehow turn it to be my fault. We broke up for a month and after a month he would change back to the guy i met, then he would slowly go back to this evil heartless guy. Whenever we would hang out it would be on his schedule, etc. But other times he was great, but when i do hang out with him it's like he doesn't want to be with me or would rather be with his friends. If something came up with his friends, like watching UFC at the bar , if he was with me he would always be like "oh UFC is only once a month, i have to go out and watch it!" i'd feel like crap cause i would just wish he would want to be with me. He claims that he loves me, and some days he will call me to say goodnight and he loves me.

A lot of people in my town think he is a really cool guy, and that I'M the crazy one.. I am so addicted to this cycle that i can't get out. i feel like i have no self-esteem, and can't get out. I wonder if it's me that makes him this upset? he makes it seem like my fault? The only time i've ever seen him sad/show emotion is when his dog got hit by a car. He cried, he was drunk. Once he cried in 2 years. His ex told me he would cry and write her letters when trying to get her back. He always claims to be happy. I feel like a fool/and lke i'm crazy. It's like he has completely taken over my brain. He ignored me on our year anniversary, my b day, valentines day, and random full weekends. I dont know what to do, am i the crazy one who should just give him space when he's mad? and not call him a million times ? i feel so in love with him and it turns me so emotionally/can't think straight/crazy when he ignores me, especially when i know he can just go out and have a good time while i'm upset. Another thing, he is always telling me i give guys the wrong impression and need to change how i act, and that i'm unable to act like a normal person.

What is your opinion on what i just wrote? am i the crazy one or is he? I have never been so emotionally hurt in other relationships, other guys have actually treated me good, and i ended up breaking their heart ( i was in my teens in these relationships before and wasn't ready for something serious) when i met this current guy i thought he was the one, thought i'd marry him, have kids with him. He actually thinks we can have children together that's why i get so confused too if he loves me or not.

He was in an almost 6 year relationship before, where he would break up with her all the time, and after she left him he told the world she cheated on him (which was not true i'm pretty sure) I've seen him screw over a friend when helping him on a side job before. (he never paid him after and just stoped talking to him)

I've been doing alot of research on sociopaths and am thinking he is one.. only thing different is that he tries to do things where i can never catch him in a lie and i dont think he is sleeping with anyone else (not be be cocky but i am a lot better looking than he is, he can't just get any girl and has a hard time picking up girls) He also lies about never getting lap dances and strip clubs and when i find out it hurts me that he lies about it!

Do you think he is a sociopath?

Thanks so much for any opionion, before i met this guy and any girl told me about a situation like the one i'm explaining i would think they were an idiot for being with them. Now i think i might be the crazy one ?

I lose a ton of sleep/stress/ cry almost every day. Sorry for the poor grammar/spelling, i am typing fast and don't have time to go over what i wrote.

also, i've lost 15 pounds due to the stress i have.. i feel like it's a heavy addiction

 

[David Baxter PhD]

As a matter of policy and ethics, we don't diagnose members or their associates here and we discourage others from doing so.

But in this case, the issue of whether he meets the criteria for any diagnosis is really irrelevant.

I think you know that you fit the profile of an abused woman (at least emotionally abused) and this is not even close to a healthy relationship for you. He is not going to change on his own because he doesn't need to. He treats you badly and you accept it. And you are not going to change him for the same reason (and because you can't change other people anyway, only yourself).

So what you must do is ask yourself this question: He is the way he is and this relationship does not make me feel good and I don't like it. Do I want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship like this one?

I'm pretty certain the answer would be no. And that means you need to get out of the relationship and away from him. You cannot find a good relationship while you are off balance and reeling in a bad one.

You may well need help extracting yourself from this relationship. If feasible, I would recommend that you get some individual counselling to assist you. Note that I said individual counselling, not couples counselling.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi i read what you wrote and i too am fearful for you I think now is time to get the courage to see clearly what you have here and that is a relationship full of pain
I too agree you cannot change him okay it will not happen YOU have to change YOU hun if you can take some time away now get the therapy you need to heal to gain strength to move onto another path
Time is now hun okay do it now leave this relationship so your future is not one of pain but of hope and healing and peace hugs

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I had a boyfriend like that.

You never know what could set him off, either.

He would drink rye and smoke weed all day, and it didn't matter if he was at home, at a friends or driving with me in his car with him. He would argue with me about the stupidest things, including, like you, if a man happened to want to talk to me, or was friendly toward me.

He ended up controlling a lot of my life. He didn't like my family, so I slowly started to avoid them. He didn't like my friends, so I would stop hanging around them, too. He would always take me on a 2 hour drive on the weekend to another town where he was from, and he and his friends would smoke weed, drink and play in a makeshift band.

He very well may have been a gifted guitarist, but I think in the end his high opinion of himself and his unwillingness to change or compromise anything for anyone (unless it was himself) probably caused him to get kicked out of a band. He even did that when he and his friends were going to perform a gig at a bar. He had some kind of tiff with one of the members and didn't show up till he was good and ready, and then when he did finally show he told them, "See?? You DID have to wait for me, didn't you? Couldn't actually start the gig until I showed up, right?"

He started to control what I ate, drank, how much I slept, what I wore, etc...

So why did I stay with him for almost a year? Because I thought I could fix him. I thought if I stuck with him through even the worst of his behaviours that somehow he would become grateful and "see the light" and go back to being nice again. Instead things got worse and worse.

He threatened my life more than once. I feared him. But I thought I loved him. But I didn't know what love was because of the way I was raised in my family....

This brings me to how I was raised. My father put up with (still does) my abusive mother. She is much the same way. She has to control everything. My dad chooses to be passive and drops everything to help her. He is so scared of being alone or scared of losing her that he neglects to stand up for his own children. He even neglects himself and his own feelings. He chooses to stay in this relationship, so is it any wonder that I learned that behaviour from him?

For me a relationship meant one person had all the control and the best of anything, and the other person tolerated and allowed or enabled the abuse. Allowing yourself to be treated this way does not make the person abusing you treat you better. In fact it gets worse. Allowing yourself to be treated this way does nothing for your own self esteem. Doing everything for someone else, is not love, it's sacrifice. You don't want to sacrifice yourself for someone. Especially when that person you would sacrifice yourself for would just as soon dump you or freeze you out or attack you emotionally. And it's very concerning that he appears to everyone else a certain way, but to those who are supposedly his girlfriend and friends, he treats terribly. It's like he's concerned about his status quo, and concerned about his outward appearance, and not at all concerned about what is inside of himself or inside of other people (feelings, etc)...

I hope this helps you out, I would hate for anyone to go through what I did. I did figure it out on my own, but some women stay in a relationship like that because to them it's "normal." They think they are supposed to protect and justify and appease and look after this wounded animal. It seems that when you forgive him for his bad behaviour, his definition is that he is excused from it, or allowed to do it. Real forgiveness means the other person ASKS for forgiveness, is SORRY for what they've done, and endeavors to improve or change their behaviour. It would be nice if this person would change, but judging from his past and from his current behaviour, do you really think that's possible?

Good luck. I hope you can get out of this relationship safely, perhaps as was suggested, getting advice from a therapist of some kind or even a woman's shelter or a friend or relative's house.

 

[bigben70]

Hi Jadep!

Give this a look: it's an EXCELLENT summary of signs when one is in a controlling/abusing relationship.
(Just replace "she" with "he" - this can affect partners of both men and women)

Relationship Warning Signs | Abusive Personality Signs | Traits of Violent Offenders

Then re-read what YOU wrote (your words are after the dash)

1. He seems to create the "look and feel" of a relationship, it changes, you break up, then he becomes nice again leaving you very confused.
- We broke up for a month and after a month he would change back to the guy i met
- He claims that he loves me
- then he would slowly go back to this evil heartless guy
- I keep having this hope that he will...go back to the person he was

2. But then things get bad again:
- After about 8 months i noticed that he would get mad very easily
- he would take the anger out on me
- every time we drank he would get in a huge fight with me
- there is aways drinking involved

3. And he slowly erodes your self esteem away, through subtle but constant abuse:
- he would end up calling me names, yelling at me, putting me down
- he would somehow turn it to be my fault
- What hurts me the VERY most is when he ignores me
- i feel like i have no self-esteem

4. But despite all of your insight, you feel like YOU are crazy
- He had sisters who were amazing and never saw this side of him
- Actualy everyone thought i was the crazy one

5. He speaks ill of his ex
- after she left him he told the world she cheated on him

6. He also seems to have problems forming long term relationships.
- the friends he used to have, aren't his friends anymore.
- he would break up with (his ex) all the time

7. He rarely showed emotion, except once when drunk...
- ...The only time...is when his dog got hit by a car

I think there may be some commonalities between the warnings on websites like this and what you wrote. These websites all have very common information - but the one I linked to I like because it's so thorough with lots of examples. Check to see if these things are present in your relationship and review your findings with someone trained in psychology or some type of mental health professional. Avoid trying to get a diagnosis online, even from people seem nice, genuine, helpful or knowledgable. This site is monitored by professionals, so you can get support from nice people without them trying to play "internet doctor". Ultimately, your search for an answer should go offline and move into the safety of a professional mental health practitioners office. You can get great support and feedback here and even talk to people who have been through the same or similar things. But again, you can't get diagnosis here, and we can't confirm what is precisely wrong with your boyfriend.

Be strong, be brave and know that if you ARE in an abusive/controlling relationship, many people get out of these relationships every day - and go on to learn to avoid abusive controllers. But the first step is to make an appointment with a mental health professional (councellor or psychologist or "life coach"). And consider not telling anyone, especially him, about the appointment quite yet. Ask the person you go see if that's a good idea and when (or simply "if") you should tell him about your plans to seek advice.

Good luck, be strong and be well.
-Big Ben

 

[making_art]

Welcome Jadep!

Pack your bag and put on your fastest running shoes. Run as fast as you can to your safest place to live (friend, family) and never look back.
Love does not hurt! Wise words from those who help women in abusive relationships.

If all else fails run to a women's shelter. He won't be able to find you and you will get the direction you need to move on with the happy life you deserve to live.

Wishing you the best!

 

[locrian]

I didn't really have a supportive family so he and his famiy felt like mine.

Hi Jadep,

This sentence was buried deep in your narrative. While I agree with the advice already given, I would add that you might need to examine the dynamics of the relationships in your own family, with the support of a therapist. Abusive behavior and its enablement often show up in patterns within such relationships. The sentence quoted above also suggests that what you felt was lacking from your family might have left you somewhat vulnerable or off-balance to begin with. But again, that would be something to explore with a therapist.