My brain seem to be on autopilot & set to destroy me

[Missed Link]

I need some answers, if you don't mind helping out. I have bipolar disorder and it's very hard to treat and I cycle every 3 weeks on average, sometimes less than that. Sometimes I have mixed moods. I've tried, with my Psychiatrist's help, dozens of meds. Some just didn't work. The rest worked briefly, say 3 or 4 months, and then stopped. Upping the dosages causes tremors and/or twitches. I'm on Lithium to stop the suicidal thoughts. There's a high incidence of suicide in my family and my Pdoc wants me protected and lithium is supposed to protect one from suicidal thinking. Well, they're back in spite of the Lithium. I don't generate these thoughts. I try putting them off and get engrossed in some interesting activity. Yet they sneak their way in and flood my mind. I continue to shove these thoughts aside. I can't use the CBT steps to examine, Identify, Assess and Challenge when these suicidal thoughts come because there is some emotion attached to them and it only gains strength when I use the CBT method here. (It's worked great in other areas of my life, just not this one.)

So, what I'm finally getting to is: How does my bipolar brain have a life of it's own? It forces suicidal thoughts an emotions on me even when I'm happy. So it is doubly dangerous when I'm in the dregs of depression. How can it make me see faces, like drawings, in the patterns of my floor tiles every time I look at them. Carpets, clouds, trees too--I can't look at anything and just see a plain tile, tree, etc. It's like my brain is looking for patterns--but I myself am not!

It's frustrating sometimes. I tell myself my brain is misfiring, but gee, I'd like some relief, please. It's just getting worse as I get older. I've decided I need to use the creativity of my brain with all these creatures and people type drawing in ordinary things and incorporate them into my artwork. BUT I can't do that for suicidal thoughts. What do I do with the suicidal thoughts? Like I said, Lithium stopped working. And how does my brain create them if I don't want them?

Any help and ideas are appreciated.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: My Brain seem to be on Autopilot & set to destroy me

Hun these are all good questions to ask you psychiatrist hun who knows you medication and your history better then anyone here. As for as the suicidal thoughts hun as long as you see them as that just thoughts and not ones to act on they let the thought go through you ok don't fight it just say oh there that thought again and let it be ok and go on with what you are doing. If the thoughts get to a point you feel you cannot let them go time to talk to your pdoc again always keep an open conversation ok so your doctor knows where you are at mentally hugs

 

[MHealthJo]

Re: My Brain seem to be on Autopilot & set to destroy me

Yes... Not to suggest that you haven't already, but please make sure you keep discussing these sensations and thoughts in deep detail with your doctors... Keep doing so until you feel that a lot of therapeutic tools are being shown to you, in relation to these thoughts and sensations.

If you have not exhausted every drug dosage, combination or approach, stick with doing that - asking your docs to keep working with you on those options. There is ECT too, which does great and unique things for some people...

Best of luck and I hope you find a way to get some better relief.... Stick with it, you're doing well by looking around for answers to try to find the very best health that you can.