My facial appearance

[Instinct]

I have never spoken about this so but have spent countless hours thinking about it, so I'm not quite sure how to go about 'voicing' this so...here goes nothing

I have a disgusting, protruding mole on the left side of my cheek, about less than an inch from my ear. It's not especially large, probably less than 1 centimetre in diameter, and I admit I have seen far worse moles on other people. I should have had it remover when I was younger, but never did, and now as an adult in my mid-20s am (paradoxically) far too self-conscious to have it removed because of scar tissue, but moreso because I don't want to have to deal with seeing everyone I know and having them say or think, "Wow, you look so much better now." Even if they don't say as much, that sentiment will be plain on their face when the look of surprise crosses their face when they see me for the first time. This would only serve to confirm what I have assumed for years, that I'm physically ugly.

I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, especially in knowing of the many serious illnesses that people come here for help with. However, I believe this has been a major factor in the development of serious self-esteem and self-imaging problems. I hate how I look. I used to avoid looking in the mirror years ago, but I got past that but now I look in a mirror and just think I'm ugly. I know that is counter-productive and I should use positive thinking to change that, but I honestly have never believed myself to be anything but ugly physically. In turn, and arguably not strictly because of this, I have terrible depression that is worsening gradually. But this stupid mole is often at the epicenter of my terrible thoughts about how I look. I want to have it removed but couldn't stand to for the reasons stated above. And maybe worst of all, I hate myself for being so vain.

 

[Daniel E.]

far too self-conscious to have it removed because of scar tissue,

Does a dermatologist or cosmetic surgeon agree with the scar tissue concern, at least to that extent? My guess would be no.

but moreso because I don't want to have to deal with seeing everyone I know and having them say or think,

What matters is what you think, and it seems you have internalized a lot like most young adults. So, at this point, it may be more about your own negative thinking, e.g. "This would only serve to confirm what I have assumed for years, that I'm physically ugly."

In turn, and arguably not strictly because of this, I have terrible depression that is worsening gradually.

It could only help to see your doctor about this or talk to a therapist. As you seem to be saying, it could be that you are depressed in general but may be focusing on this currently.

 

[Instinct]

The scar tissue is by far the lesser of my worries regarding removal. And I agree I have internalized my problem with what other people think, and therefore what they think has become my problem. I honestly can't imagine how to cope with so many people commenting on how I look if I had it removed.

As for seeing a therapist, that would just be a waste of time and money. I am smarter than a therapist, and even supposing they could help me learn coping strategies or whatever, I will automatically discount everything they say to the point that I can't believe in their credibility nonetheless their competence. As a result, I would inevitably demonstrate contempt towards any therapist to the extent that I would attack their methodology, their belief system, their professional education and so on to show why I can't even remotely begin to listen to their advice. Unless they're gifted in words, arguments, and a strong will, a therapist would be an exercise in futility for both of us. I also just want to mention that I don't believe myself smarter than all therapists- I'm sure there a few out there who could surpass my intelligence- but I don't have the time or the money to try them all out to find the needle in the haystack.

Plus, I would never trust to see a therapist in person. Complete confidentiality in such a situation is absurd given that all humans are inherently self-interested and under the right circumstances everyone would break confidentiality. Hence the appeal of this forum because of its anonymity. I also came here because instead of simply proffering the advice of professionals, this site has the vast wealth of experience provided by its mostly layman users. That's where the real value of such websites lies.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Plus, I would never trust to see a therapist in person. Complete confidentiality in such a situation is absurd given that all humans are inherently self-interested and under the right circumstances everyone would break confidentiality.

You're misinformed. A licensed therapist is required to protect your confidentiality or risk losing his/her license to practice.

There are only three conditions under which confidential information about you could be released without your express consent:

1. you reveal credible evidence of recent or ongoing child abuse, or the threat of child abuse;
2. you present a significant threat of imminent harm to yourself or to another person; or
3. you are involved in some sort of court proceeding where your clinical records are viewed by the judge to be relevant and the judge therefore approves a subpoena for those clinical records.

 

[HBas]

As for seeing a therapist, that would just be a waste of time and money. I am smarter than a therapist, and even supposing they could help me learn coping strategies or whatever, I will automatically discount everything they say to the point that I can't believe in their credibility nonetheless their competence. As a result, I would inevitably demonstrate contempt towards any therapist to the extent that I would attack their methodology, their belief system, their professional education and so on to show why I can't even remotely begin to listen to their advice. Unless they're gifted in words, arguments, and a strong will, a therapist would be an exercise in futility for both of us. I also just want to mention that I don't believe myself smarter than all therapists- I'm sure there a few out there who could surpass my intelligence- but I don't have the time or the money to try them all out to find the needle in the haystack.

Plus, I would never trust to see a therapist in person. Complete confidentiality in such a situation is absurd given that all humans are inherently self-interested and under the right circumstances everyone would break confidentiality. Hence the appeal of this forum because of its anonymity. I also came here because instead of simply proffering the advice of professionals, this site has the vast wealth of experience provided by its mostly layman users. That's where the real value of such websites lies.

Have you ever seen a Therapist? Please help me to understand how you can be so sure of what you are saying here - have you ever had a bad experience?

Regards,
HB

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Instinct glad to see you here. I just want to say that all that matters is what you want and think about getting the mole removed. If this is going to help your self esteem then go for it. The scar tissue should not be a problem at all. Instinct psychologist by law cannot relay any information you tell them they are there for you support and help only. Take care and I hope you make the right decision for you Mary

 

[Yuray]

As for seeing a therapist, that would just be a waste of time and money. I am smarter than a therapist, and even supposing they could help me learn coping strategies or whatever, I will automatically discount everything they say to the point that I can't believe in their credibility nonetheless their competence. As a result, I would inevitably demonstrate contempt towards any therapist to the extent that I would attack their methodology, their belief system, their professional education and so on to show why I can't even remotely begin to listen to their advice. Unless they're gifted in words, arguments, and a strong will, a therapist would be an exercise in futility for both of us. I also just want to mention that I don't believe myself smarter than all therapists- I'm sure there a few out there who could surpass my intelligence- but I don't have the time or the money to try them all out to find the needle in the haystack.

I understand what you are saying. I used to feel the same way about onions. I hated them all, yet had never tasted one. Vile and evil. One day I had no choice but to eat them. I had to save face in mixed company, and hide my true feelings about the evil bulb. Forced by circumstance to go against my prejuduce, I survived. I prospered by overcoming my fear in that once my prejuduce was dismissed, I was able to direct my thinking to matters of more importance. I was free for the first time in my life.

I do not support all onions. There are distasteful ones yet I suspect, for I haven't embraced them all, nor have I dismissed them all. Trust is very difficult to solicit from something alien, but I do trust now, as much as is possible.

Because I understand now how narrow my thinking was, I am sad for all the good meals I have missed as a result.