bloodwood
Full Member, Forum Supporter
My Father
I once wrote an ode to my father
"Myfather
A good man, a noble man
I love him as no words of love ever will."
It is apt. A relationship with him was distant to the day he died. I mentioned before, that in the last year before he died he began to acknowledge what he had missed by not having a relationship with his children.
He was cool and distant on one hand but I remember him as a good hugger.
He was very intelligent and hungry for knowledge. But did not want to hear of emotional struggle.
To have a conversation with him was something I remember as uncommon and not generally comfortable.
No one in our family ever knew what he did for a living beyond being in the airforce. He did not talk about it.
He did not talk about his day.
He didn't share his feelings and you always had a bit of a sense of firm, quiet judgement from him. When push came to shove he was apt to push away in discomfort.
Always distant...
When the various forms of abuse (physical emotional, sexual, psychological) began in our home he was not one we felt we could go to for support or safety. The relationship simply was not there. He was a presence that we knew cared, but was not available for caring.
This shaped us in big ways of course. Our self doubt and even self contempt and sense of being flawed. Valuing yourself often comes from a parents love. Their respect and willingness to share with you and listen.
As with too many people I have met, growing up in that house left one feeling very alone against the world - abandoned. This can leave one with a profound doubt and insecurity about the world and your place in it - and your right to be there.
My father taught me about humor and honor and doing the right thing and ironically the need to remember and give to others. He also taught me to distrust relationships. I never knew what life events shaped him to be who he was.
I recognize my father as a key building block in who I am for better and worse. The one gift I received from all of this is the ability to empathise with those with similar burdens. I know my father was one of those.
I recognize and acknowledge the damage and how it manifests itself in me and my siblings. We are prone to addictions to ease the pain and thoughts. I work each day monitoring my self, my motivations and feelings. How I treat others and how I feel about myself. I work each day to come to terms with the truths and the anger and pain they still cause.
I understand that fundamental doubt about how solid the ground beneath my feet is.
My time in this forum reminds me how many others share these burdens and work to help others.
Peter
I once wrote an ode to my father
"Myfather
A good man, a noble man
I love him as no words of love ever will."
It is apt. A relationship with him was distant to the day he died. I mentioned before, that in the last year before he died he began to acknowledge what he had missed by not having a relationship with his children.
He was cool and distant on one hand but I remember him as a good hugger.
He was very intelligent and hungry for knowledge. But did not want to hear of emotional struggle.
To have a conversation with him was something I remember as uncommon and not generally comfortable.
No one in our family ever knew what he did for a living beyond being in the airforce. He did not talk about it.
He did not talk about his day.
He didn't share his feelings and you always had a bit of a sense of firm, quiet judgement from him. When push came to shove he was apt to push away in discomfort.
Always distant...
When the various forms of abuse (physical emotional, sexual, psychological) began in our home he was not one we felt we could go to for support or safety. The relationship simply was not there. He was a presence that we knew cared, but was not available for caring.
This shaped us in big ways of course. Our self doubt and even self contempt and sense of being flawed. Valuing yourself often comes from a parents love. Their respect and willingness to share with you and listen.
As with too many people I have met, growing up in that house left one feeling very alone against the world - abandoned. This can leave one with a profound doubt and insecurity about the world and your place in it - and your right to be there.
My father taught me about humor and honor and doing the right thing and ironically the need to remember and give to others. He also taught me to distrust relationships. I never knew what life events shaped him to be who he was.
I recognize my father as a key building block in who I am for better and worse. The one gift I received from all of this is the ability to empathise with those with similar burdens. I know my father was one of those.
I recognize and acknowledge the damage and how it manifests itself in me and my siblings. We are prone to addictions to ease the pain and thoughts. I work each day monitoring my self, my motivations and feelings. How I treat others and how I feel about myself. I work each day to come to terms with the truths and the anger and pain they still cause.
I understand that fundamental doubt about how solid the ground beneath my feet is.
My time in this forum reminds me how many others share these burdens and work to help others.
Peter
