My suicidal thoughts are different.

[unfaith]

I just turned 18 years old. I'm pretty good looking, humorous, and everyone enjoys being around me. Although I'm beginning to become extremely quiet, and get comments daily. This is caused by my inward thought process. I think very outside the box, almost losing grips with reality, as I think of how I am limited by my senses and perspectives.

I've been reading alot of philosophy and poetry, and have noticed my mind growing with each new day.

However, I feel I've matured so much, that while I begin to put my independent life into motion, I don't see the point.

I'm in high school, and have planned my route to college. I often just sit amazed though, looking at myself in a glass window. I can't believe that I have been given this body and mind, and I don't even know who I'm looking at in the window. I feel resentful just for being a human. I never asked to be alive, and now that I'm stuck here in this endless cycle, I just want out. I would feel bad for hurting my family by commiting suicide, that is the only thing keeping me from doing it, because I could not do that to my mother. However, lately my relationship with my family is deteriorating, as we are finally beginning to let eachother know how much we dislike eachother's ideals.

After high school, the rest of my life will consist of more work in college, and then more work to most likely support a family.
Why does all this matter?

Why bother living beyond this point. I'm sure most of my good times are long gone. It's a long pointless road from here on out.


I think of suicide often these past few months. It just seems the more logical approach. I'm content with what I've gotten out of life so far.

I can't get myself to believe in God, and I'm sure this is what drives me so crazy. It's true, without God, Love, or a goal, life has no point.

Could these thoughts also be caused by my excessive pot smoking in youth. I completely gave up on drugs one day, and it was the most difficult thing for me to do. I've now had a clear head for over a year, and am amazed at the power I have in my mind; although now I just have the urge to try some harder drugs like Shrooms or something just to escape this reality and go on an adventure. You know what I mean?

So just wondering if anyone else feels the same as me?

 

[Daniel E.]

The book Plato, Not Prozac!: Applying Eternal Wisdom to Everyday Problems has a chapter on existential angst:

If existentialism has gotten you down, try thinking of it as just as phase, and see what you can do to advance beyond it. Once you are through an existential crisis, you may well feel more at peace. It's one way to get rid of a lot of excess baggage (pg. 75).

(BTW, the book is not anti-Prozac. Certainly antidepressants can help with depression, no matter how philosophically based a depression may seem.)

Personally, I found the PBS videos and online lectures of the late Joseph Campbell to more helpful with my existential angst than a formal course on existentialism in college. Most libraries have the PBS videos called The Power of Myth. In that series, for example, Campbell says that when most people ask about meaning in life, they really mean the feeling of being alive. These video programs are still one of the most requested series on PBS (public television).

 

[haunting]

There must be some reason to your want and will for death. Can you think of something that may have triggered this response within yourself.

You are only 18. You say your life has been good up until this point right?? Have you thought about maybe depression has hit you and don't understand why you feel the way you do now? Can you go see a doctor and tell him you are feeling this way?

Maybe with the right doctor (s) to assist you, your life can become full again. You seem to have so many asperations and sound very intellegent to me. And you don't have to have a faith in God to have spituallity. (please excuse my spelling-first to admit that it sucks).

So what makes you happy? What makes life till this point worth living? What would make you see more of a brighter future? And maybe you can't answer this right now as it sounds like you are depressed. And I don't care what anyone ever says about depression--we don't always have the answer to why people can feel depressed. I have learned that its a chemical imbalance that can be helped with meds. As meds sound scary to a lot of people, they also help many become well again. No different than a diabetic needing insulin--not at all different.

So personally, I think you are very normal in having these thoughts and feelings. But I do think you need to get some help before they take total control of unfaith. Can you possibly write down the good things for living for verse's the ending life option? And who do you have for support systems right now? I know you don't want to hurt your family and I respect that wholeheartedly. But I can see you love them and they must love you too. They would hurt if you left them, they would never know why. Can you confide in someone close to you? Don't feel ashamed as illness of any sort is an illness. And thinking about suicide for this long is not good.

So I encourage you to reach out. I can see you doing this here and thats a wonderful start. But you need help right now, please let someone inside. Can you let us know what you decide? My thoughts are with you unfaith....you are worth living for!!

Haunting

 

[unfaith]

You guys really are making alot of sense.
I'm glad I came on here, you've pointed me in the right direction.

Dan, I think you're right about reading into ways to balance my thoughts and life. I never really thought about aknowledging the toll it is taking on me by failing to try and balance it all. Very helpful, thanks for the links and info.


Haunting, It's probably been triggered by my having worked so hard to overcome drugs and put life in order, and then realizing that I'm missing out on fun times in order to maintain a survival that doesn't really satisfy me. That's all I can think of.

I will admit I am depressed daily; I normally resort to music, but I've been listening to music daily for hours on end. (The good stuff, late 60's.) But sometimes it just feels that with all the angst, I feel some powerful feelings, and I'm sure meds is not the way to go. I almost feel like this isn't a problem with my brain, but a problem with the way we live against our own will in such a way that goes against basic animal emotions. I'm afraid of meds, as I don't want to just get rid of the thoughts and pretend they don't exist, I sort of want to get through them logically, you know? As for making a list of things I live for, I think that is a great way to look at it.

But listening to you both, I think you guys have made me realize I should remember there are wonderful things and feeling in this world after all.

I can't believe how much I've lost sight of things for this long. I guess talkin about it on here with you guys was all I needed to bring me out of the slump. Wish I had done it earlier. haha.

Thanks a bunch guys.
I'll read into ways to help, and I'm almost certain I can pull through if I dedicate myself and work to get past tougher times like this.

You guys deserve alot of credit.

 

[Daniel E.]

although now I just have the urge to try some harder drugs like Shrooms or something just to escape this reality and go on an adventure.

As you know, those drugs would only be a temporary distraction. In contrast, antidepressants like Zoloft, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, etc. have positive long-term effects. The most effective treatment for any depression, of course, is the combination of therapy with antidepressants.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's probably been triggered by my having worked so hard to overcome drugs and put life in order, and then realizing that I'm missing out on fun times in order to maintain a survival that doesn't really satisfy me. That's all I can think of.

I think that's the key. It's something that people often experience after "going clean" -- you're now avoiding not only the drug but the people you used to hang out with and the places you used to go. So what fills up that time?

It's certainly not even close to the truth that all your good times are behind you. In fact, if you could fast forward 5 or 10 years and look back on this, you will, I'm sure, recognize that this was just the beginning of the real good times.

But the comments about depression that Daniel and Haunting have made are also important: This may be part of the reason you were attracted to pot in the first place.

 

[Dalia]

omg its in 2013 that i read your email, and i only got registered so that i could reply to you, and it turns i am 8 years late, anyway, if you still there and somehow will be reading this, i just wanted to ask you to read eckhart tolle the power of now, i am not sure, but i just think it could help u greatly understanding your thought processes, cos that is what they are, they just processes influenced by thousand factors, and not an ultimate truth that is written in the stone, take care