Need a guiding star

[sarasms]

Please help a fool in love! I try to make it short. I met this guy at my university last year. He was an exchange student. We both liked each other but I hesitated to answer him partly because I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and I knew he would have to go back to his country soon. However, there was lots of chemistry between us. After a while, he asked one of his female friends to pretend to be his girlfriend. I just found out this truth near the time he left, and from other sources (he never tells me that it’s just a play). Before that, I was very painful and ignored the presence of him and his girlfriend. I guess he wanted to see some certain reactions from me, but I didn’t know. I just followed my emotions. I was raised up quite isolated so I don’t know how other girls would react in my case. But he somehow felt that I love him too. Before he left, he said he trusted me and we would be together forever.

I didn’t hear from him for about 8 months, then suddenly he invited me to join messenger. And chatting has been our way of communication from then on. He usually had lunch with a girl there. When I asked how their relationship was, he said he even didn’t know her very well. He asked me why I asked so, did it matter if he had lunch with a girl. I asked him ‘does it matter if I say it matters or not.’ He said, ‘let’s skip it’. But he keeps asking me “why” whenever I show him my care for him or my jealousy.

And he still says that he has a girlfriend. It is like he won’t stop until he gets the reaction he wants, but I don’t know what it is. He complains that I am always busy, that I go to sleep early,… I want to shout at him that he’s got a girlfriend already; I am nothing to him so why do I have to stay all day long with him. Actually, I think about him all the time. I have to find something to do, to avoid burying myself in my sadness. I am sad because I don’t know what to do to make him stop playing this painful game. I hate to be the one who destroys others’ relationship. So if it is true that he has a girlfriend, I will walk away immediately. I don’t think that an unfaithful boy will be faithful to me. The puzzle is that the girlfriend is not true. On one hand, I want to act as he wants. In the other, I want to tell him that if he loves me, he shouldn’t hurt me so much. I guess my questions are:
- Is he serious or just play with me? What can I do to find out?
- From your experience, what does he expect me to react?
- What do you think is his reason to ask ‘why’? Is it insecurity (he knows some others guy also like me) or because of my hesitation or what? and what should I answer?
- Is there anything I can do to stop him playing this game? (Sometimes I want to tell him straight that don’t play game, it is bad. But I’m afraid of bad reaction from him)

I know it is not easy to answer these questions, but I hope very much that your opinion will shed light on my situation. I feel that I am silly and inexperienced, I'm willing to learn from you.

 

[ThatLady]

I think I might be tempted to tell this young man that I feel uncomfortable spending so much time with someone who already has a love interest with whom he should be spending that time. Let him chew on that one for awhile.

 

[sarasms]

Thank you very much, ThatLady. I admire your advice . My problem is that I am always afraid of losing him, of risking what I've got. So can you tell what may be his reaction if I tell him that? Or what a guy may feel when his gal saying somethin like that? (Sometimes i thought he was not serious to me, I tried to put him away just to realize later that I had hurted him). Sorry I am so indecisive.

 

[Ursula]

My problem is that I am always afraid of losing him, of risking what I've got.

Sara, you don't have him, therefore you can't lose him. He is playing with you, he is jealous and controlling. The sooner you ditch him, the better. And I advise you to block him on MSN, so he won't bother you any more.

I know it's going to hurt to do that, but it will save you from a lot more pain later on. And the sooner you close this chapter of your life, the sooner you can move on and can look for the right guy. Because this one isn't it.

Sorry I'm so blunt. It's not that I don't feel for you, I do. But I married a controlling, jealous guy, who treated all my friends so badly that they wanted nothing to do with me any more at the beginning of our relationship. When I had no friends of my own left, I was completely reliant on him and his friends and his controlling church. I had arrived in hell. I don't wish that on anybody.

It took me many years, even after getting out of that church, to start making friends again, and to have the courage to tell my husband that what we talked about was none of his business. I am allowed to have a life of my own.

So, spare yourself that kind of experience, you're worth it! Leave him to his girlfriend, and stop being the fifth wheel.

Ursula

 

[ThatLady]

There's never anything wrong with being honest, sarasms. What I suggested is just to say what's on your mind, exactly as you said it in your post here. It's bothering you that this fellow seems to have a girl, yet continues to string you along, as well. If you think about it, if you were his girl, you wouldn't like it if he did what he's doing with you. As it is, neither of you ladies are being treated with respect. That's something each of us has a right to demand.

Until this guy makes a decision as to which of you is actually "his girl", neither of you have anything to lose. He's not worth the effort of figuring it out, at this point. Put him on the spot and make him decide who's his girl and who isn't. That's the only way to get this albatross off your back, hon.

 

[sarasms]

Ok, I think I’ve had a clearer view from your replies. Thanks very much. The reason why I’m still stringing along with him is that I don’t think he really has another girl. The first time when he said so, I didn’t showed him any sadness or jealousy because I thought I would be wrong to be the third person. I just became more involved with him when I learnt that the girlfriend wasn’t true. But strangely, people around us seemed to be on his side. They didn’t agree with my reaction that time. They said I should be more aggressive?!? Somehow I understand what they meant was that I should do something to protect my love. But I think I am different from them, I’d rather sacrifice my interest than strip others’ happiness. That’s why I said in my first post that I was raised up isolatedly so I don’t know how the others act. I neither can act as they suggested because for me it’s wrong, nor follow my own will because they said it is stupid. And I’m stuck whenever come to this point. Should I tell him what I think? If yes, can you suggest how I should say it, I mean how to express my thought clearly? Yes, I am tired of playing game. Now I just want to be myself, to be honest. Suppose that the girlfriend is true, I’ll follow your advices to ask him to make a choice, because I know I have at least two on my side .

If you have any further thought, please post. I think it would help me to understand myself!

 

[sarasms]

To ThatLady, the more I think about your advice, the more I feel you are so great. How I couldn’t think of it before! I’ve asked several people but you are the first one seems to be understanding, generous and helpful. Thanks a lot again.

 

[ThatLady]

You're very welcome, hon. I hope it helps you. There's no need to let someone string you along and make you unhappy. You have a right to respect, and to know exactly where you stand with someone.

 

[Diana]

You seem to be afraid of what his reaction would be if you tried to be honest with him and asked him to be honest with you. Well, if he gives you an unpleasant reaction over wanting to know the truth, then I really don't think this is the guy for you. If he is happy about the truth, then maybe your relationship can progress. But, it does seem controlling to play the games he's playing. If he doesn't really have a girlfriend then why on earth would he say he does? That's a major lie and a game. He's obviously not an honest person. It's one thing to lie about being in a relationship when you're not interested in the other person. But, telling someone you're in a relationship just to see their reaction? That's kind of strange.
In my opinion, you're trying to hold onto something very small. You see your communication with him as a huge thing - but, really think about it. He's living in another country, he's not your boyfriend, he possibly has a girlfriend. What are YOU left with? Just messages. I know you have strong feelings for him and you don't want to lose your communication with him, but you shouldn't be so afraid because you really don't have much to lose. What you can lose from him is practically nothing compared to what you could have with someone else.
I agree with ThatLady that you deserve to know the truth, so you should ask for it. If you don't get it, or he reacts badly then think about if he's the kind of person you want to be with. I realize that I don't know him at all, BUT make sure that you do before/if the relationship progresses.