New Member

[Makaylah]

I am 57 year old female, with multiple major health issues, and live without the help of medications because of severe allergies/sensitivities. I live with the stress of my health issues, and my husbands OCD disorder (could be bipolar), which he refuses to get help, as he says "he can control it" . 2006 he was let go from his job because of theft, then on Wednesday, he was let go from another job because of theft. I told him that if he ever got charged I would leave him, because he would go to jail. This would not be his first charge, he was pardoned for theft that happened when he was 21. My problem I believe I enable him - I need to leave - but I am afraid to be on my own, I am have a social phoebia, brought on by Audiotory Processing Disorder with Hyperacusis. Well he wasn't charged, does have to pay restitution, and the vacation I planned for this summer is now cancelled. I don't like my husband very much, he is 60 years old. I have two sons by a previous marriage. He has 3 children whom he is totally disconnected from.

He says he realizes he has made a big mastake - I tell him that he said that in 2006, and in 2009, when I start questioning new things arriving in our home. I figure he will likely get caught in his full time job which he still holds, and which time I may help them put him away (maybe just talking out of anger). (I can't keep going on like this.) It hard enough dealing with my own health issues. It stressful when my husband won't get help for his ongoing health issues and this adds to my stress. I don't like alcohol in the house, but I am finding he is sneaking it in.

I am just so very tired, sick, and I don't know anymore how to deal with all of this. Makaylah

 

[Always Changing]

Hi and welcome to psychlinks Makaylah.


I'm sorry to hear you are under so much stress at the minute, it must be really hard for you to watch as your husband continues to do things which add to this.
As you are aware, you cannot control his behavior (evidently he has a problem or two in this area) but there maybe be some ways in which you can lessen the impact of the stress it causes to you.

Are you currently seeing\talking to anyone you can trust about all this?.. a therapist maybe? a psychologist?

 

[AmZ]

Welcome

 

[Makaylah]

This is the first time reaching out. I am disabled - I try not to go out as much as possible - I don't understand much of what is said, when out in public - I now have a Medical alert Dog in training, she is helping me to socialize. I have 4 more months left of training with my service dog. I can't afford her training on my own. I have been advised to leave my husband - I don't want to live on my own. I deal with depression, anxiety, panic attack and autoimmune diseases. I still drive, and looking into volunteering with my service dog, at an outreach center, just to get out socially.

No I don't see therapist or psychologist for myself, but will be asking for a referral to a neurophychologist when next I see my NP/MP. His office is two hours away.

---------- Post added at 03:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:43 PM ----------

Thanks

 

[Always Changing]

can you explain what a neuropsychologist is\does? and what you hope he will be able to do for you. I ask as I have not come across this title before. I just now googled it and I'm afraid what I read briefly was a bit too technical for me.

In the meantime, have you a space in your home that you can call yours? like a den or something similar where you can go to have some quiet time just for you?
Being advised to leave him is one thing, actually doing it is another and as you said above you are not ready to take this on. financial and other etc, and that is okay for the time being. I hope we here can help in someway to ease your discomfort.

I hope you will take a look at the other forums\threads here,, lots of topics where others have relayed how they coped with their situations etc. I think you might find some useful coping tips in them.

What is the possibility of you talk to a therapist or counsellor while you wait on the referral and apt with the neuropsychologist?.

 

[Makaylah]

Even though my husband lives with me - the whole apartment minus his bedroom is mine. He closes himself away from me.

I have lesions on my brain, at one time time they thought it to be MS related. (Neurologist say no - but my symptoms are worsening - (I am vitiamin D deficient - my iron levels are very low - liver enzymes high). I have severe symptoms of Auditory Processing disorder - that affects the Central Processing part of the brain and I am being investigated for Porphyria. I am quoting "Neuropsychology studies the structure and function of the brain related to specific psychological processes and behaviors." It is my hope that someone out there can get me answers. Also my Adrenal Gland, and thyroid are giving me problems. All this together I feel that a Neuropsychologist along with the Endocrinologist I am hoping to see August 10th (another crazy story) would be the best to give me proper answers and best help.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Basically, a neurologist can tell you about brain diseases or injuries or lesions or tumors, etc. A neuropsychologist can test you for any functional deficits that may be associated with various brain diseases or injuries, which may help narrow down a diagnosis.

 

[Always Changing]

Those are certainly a lot to be coping with without anything else going on!. I hope that you get the answers you are looking for soon.

So would you say in some ways that you and your husband sort of live separate lives at the min? or just that he has his own bedroom that he uses when he doesn't want to interact with you.
I also want to ask you in reference to being advised to leave him, what do YOU want to do? are you comfortable with that idea? (leaving aside the difficulties financial and health)

 

[Makaylah]

My husband wants contact, when he thinks I can help him solve his problems. We do grocery shopping together. I honestly don't know what I want - sometimes I don't like him very much - when I broke my ankle in Feb. he was there to help. I was separated 2 years from him when he first loss his job in 2006, (had foster child living with me then - but now he is 19 and living out on his own). Thought I would try and make a go of our marriage - but when I came back I seen a side of him - I really don't like - I like the caring side - He has never said "I love you" - he put his hands on my shoulder when he tries to get a caring response from me. To answer your question "What do you want to do" - I don't know - I asked him resently could he not see that I have basically shut down my feeling for him - I felt something bad was going to happen - and knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I am just so closed down - I have no feelings - This vacation this summer was a chance to open doors, but now they have been slammed shut again - I have done for many - over the years - never thinking about myself. I have never lived on my own, and don't believe I socially able right now. I seem to be in a "Catch 22".

 

[Always Changing]

If I am understanding the role of the neuropsychologist properly, then he is working from the medical\science side of things to help you gain insight into your medical problems.

Never thinking about myself.

Is it not time to change that? Don't you deserve some peace of mind and clarity as to what you would like to do?,For YOU!

I have no feelings

I am just so closed down

I honestly don't know what I want -

Clearly you want\ have a need, to change how you feel, I believe the best way you can do that for YOU is to talk to a therapist\counsellor. Would you consider looking for someone in your area? (or somewhere you can get to if going to one closer to home is uncomfortable for you.)

You can still talk to us here at anytime, indeed I would hope that you do. thing is most of us here are not professionals, so while we can offer support and suggestions at times A qualified person is the person you need most to help you through this really stressful time in your life.

What do you think?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If I am understanding the role of the neuropsychologist properly, then he is working from the medical\science side of things to help you gain insight into your medical problems.

Not quite. The neuropsychologist sore of works backwards from the neurologist's approach. The neurologist considers symptoms, blood tests. medical signs, MRIs and CT scans, and the like to try to arrive at a diagnosis. The neuropsychogist assesses and analyzes specific functional/cognitive deficits and (1) tries to relate them to probable diagnoses and/or (2) tries to help you to develop strategies for compensating for any functional deficits. Both may be useful but they are really doing different jobs.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Wow, I really feel for you... 8(

It must be difficult for anyone who lives with someone who is supposed to be your team player, and almost sounds like everything is one-sided: you give and give and he takes and takes. I understand why you don't like him very much sometimes. It feels to me like he knows you don't have as many resources and are dependent on him, so he takes advantage of that.

Is there any way you can still go on a stay-cation (like not travel as far) and go with a friend or other family member? You could tell him to think hard on what he's planning to do with his future and if he really cared about you he would take care of himself. You even care about him and want him to take care of himself, but he won't. He's letting himself fall to pieces right in front of you and that must be such a helpless and stressful feeling to you. If you have already tried to tell him these things and it just bounces off him or goes right through his mind and out the other side, then you deserve some time away from him. He seems to be causing you more stress that is probably making your health issues worse.

If you asked him to go with you to a marriage/relationship counselor, would he go? If you have tried to tell him how important it is for him to get help and he won't do it to straighten out his life, how is he going to be a proper partner in this relationship?

Sorry if I sound angry, it's just that I have been in those types of relationships and for similar reasons (I didn't think I could do better, I didn't think anyone else would take me, I had low self-esteem, I had issues that my boyfriend(s) picked up on that made me easy to manipulate because he knew I wouldn't leave them)... I put up with drug addiction, alcoholism, etc, basically I "settled" because I didn't think I could do any better. Well, I did better -- now I have been married to a wonderful man for over 13 years.

I hope he either turns his butt around and treats you decently, or else you find a way to save yourself from this relationship. 8(

*hugs*

 

[Makaylah]

"He takes and takes" - you don't know how true this statement is. He feels everyone one owes him.

Today, I am depressed not because of my husband. I just trying to get medical help - it seems all doors are shut. They won't treat me at a hospital, unless it's life and death. My family doctor doesn't know a Neurologist from and Endocrinologist. I have desparately tried to be seen by an Endocrinologist, had a appointment for August 10th, that may be cancelled because of an error on her first referral. I won't go back to this family doctor because she stresses me out so.

My Rheumy says I have multi comobidities(sp), and she doesn't know how to help me.

Then there is my husband. Sure hope he turns his butt around like you said.

Hugs

 

[Retired]

In the climate of our current medical system, individuals have to advocate on their own behalf, by making phone calls to specialists, asking if they will take a new patient, or by calling the doctor to whom a referral is written. If the referral is incorrectly written, as is frequently the case, you need to go back to the referring doctor and ask to have it written according to the requirments of the specialist.

I know it sounds frustrating and unnecessary, but it is the reality. In fact I had to go through exactly this same process the last few weeks because of an incorrectly written referral.

GP's may be had to come by in your area, so it would not be recommended to burn bridges before you can confirm being accepted into the care of another doctor.

If an endocrinologist is not available in your own City, try calling neighboring cities, or call the department of endocrinology of a nearby teaching hospital and ask to be seen in their clinic. If you need a referral to their clinic, you might get one in a walk in clinic, one of the clinics of the hospital or as a last resort in the ER of the same teaching hospital.

Bottom line, you need to be your own best advocate, making telephone calls and pursuing every lead with patience and courtesy. Remember the people answering the phones in hospitals or in doctors' offices do not make the rules and are not responsible for the chaotic situation of the medical system, they are just doing their jobs. Speaking to them with understanding and respect often yields unexpected results.

 

[Makaylah]

Hi Steve, as from your guote "If the referral is incorrectly written, as is frequently the case, you need to go back to the referring doctor and ask to have it written according to the requirments of the specialist." I had the doctor resend the referral, with correct information. I just got a call back from the GP's office stating that my appointment for August 10th is back on. This made me happy. Now back too getting information together - to make my case.

Hugs

 

[Always Changing]

This made me happy.

I am really glad that it worked out for you.

 

[Makaylah]

Week from today, I am taking Makaylah (my Medical Alert dog), and I out for a bit of socialization. My son works at an Outreach center for people with brain injuries. I have asked to start where there is few people, not for Makaylah, but for me. Makaylah, is good with people, I on the other hand need lot of socialization to get me where she is already. I want to work up to committing to at least two days a week, for now it's see how I do, next Wednesday.

I can see how my son (personal support worker - with epilepsy) - likes working there - his boss is very friendly, and very understanding of people with anxiety, panic attack, auditory processing disorder, and who are mentally challenged because of required brain injury.

I will take it one day at a time - it can't hurt - at least I am getting out.

What I have learnt in communicating here, is I have let others deal with their own problems, I have enough on my own plate to take care of. I think I have lots to read here.

Hugs All

 

[Retired]

I had the doctor resend the referral, with correct information. I just got a call back from the GP's office stating that my appointment for August 10th is back on

Good for you! Advocating on your own behalf is your best strategy to getting the services you need and deserve. The same holds tru for following up on test results and reports back to your referring doctor from the consultant.

Thank you for sharing your good news.