Helping a suicidal family member

[GDPR]

.more important question is what causes someone to abuse and how can we prevent a person from becoming abusive? The abuser is always to blame for the abuse .... Not the victim...

I agree that the abuser is always to blame,not the victim,but I am pretty sure it's a well known fact that those that are raised in an abusive home tend to gravitate towards abusers and tend to be victimized more often.A nd some women continue to be victimized until they seek help.I am not saying they are to blame,just saying it's all they know and they don't know how to stand up for themselves or not allow themselves to be treated that way.And if all my mom has known is abuse throughout her entire life,I think there's a good chance her new husband is abusive also.

And although it is important to know what causes someone to abuse and how we can prevent a person from becoming abusive,I feel it's just as important,more so actually,for a woman that is being abused to seek help in order to understand why she doesn't leave,why she allows it to continue,and to become strong enough,and feel worthy enough to make changes.If a woman believes she doesn't deserve to be treated well,has such low self esteem that she blames herself,she's going to find it hard to not end up with an abuser until her perception of herself and her beliefs change.I am in no way blaming the victim,just saying what I feel is true.

---------- Post Merged at 05:36 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:36 PM ----------

When I was being physically abused by my sons,it wasn't my fault,I simply didn't know or believe I had choices or options.I didn't have the self esteem,self worth to stand up for myself.And it would have continued if I had not sought help from my therapist.And I most likely would have been abused by other people,repeatedly victimized,like I had been in the past.That's the point I was trying to make,that sometimes women keep seeking the same type of people,keep gravitating towards abusive people until they seek the help they need to change it.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

It's true in my case. I was a "victim."

That is how I perceived myself. I felt like I couldn't get anything better in a relationship. I felt I wasn't doing my part if I wasn't putting up with the abuse.

I learned these behaviours from my parents. One parent was abusive, the other let it happen. So being raised in this environment, I thought love was letting myself be controlled and manipulated... If I didn't, somehow I was the failure, I didn't try hard enough. When I tried to please a parent who just didn't know how to love, it was impossible. But I'd keep trying. No matter how bad it was for me. Because I thought somehow my behaviour would cause something to happen or not to happen... But eventually I learned, hell no! A person who abuses has to want to stop abusing, it's the abuser who makes the decision to hurt or not to hurt, etc... What my job was, eventually I figured out with some good therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, was to take care of myself. I can only control how I behave and react. So if this abuser that I was spending so much time trying to please, but never measuring up, being taken for granted, etc... It wasn't ME with the problem, it was the abuser. So my choice, once I figured out I can't do a darned thing about his/her behaviour, was either to keep up the futile task of trying to please him/her or to protect myself and leave and then carry on.... And then I'd have a better idea of what qualities I need to display to others in order to attract a healthy mate/friend/job...

Instead of being so very passive, and wiling to please, and wearing my heart on my sleeve, and forgetting about myself and only thinking of others, I began to create/see a BALANCE...

If you don't KNOW you're out of balance... You don't lay down clear boundaries (Verbally stating: "Don't speak to me that way: I treat you with respect and I expect the same treatment in return, or I won't be around you much longer," is more effective than, for instance, not saying anything and not doing anything about it, which shows, "I don't care if you speak to me that way, I'll put up with your crap, because for some reason I believe you still love me despite the way you've treated me, and I don't deserve to be treated better, so keep up the crappy job.")

 

[making_art]

And although it is important to know what causes someone to abuse and how we can prevent a person from becoming abusive,I feel it's just as important,more so actually,for a woman that is being abused to seek help in order to understand why she doesn't leave,why she allows it to continue,and to become strong enough,and feel worthy enough to make changes.If a woman believes she doesn't deserve to be treated well,has such low self esteem that she blames herself,she's going to find it hard to not end up with an abuser until her perception of herself and her beliefs change.I am in no way blaming the victim,just saying what I feel is true.

---------- Post Merged at 05:36 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:36 PM ----------

When I was being physically abused by my sons,it wasn't my fault,I simply didn't know or believe I had choices or options.I didn't have the self esteem,self worth to stand up for myself.And it would have continued if I had not sought help from my therapist.And I most likely would have been abused by other people,repeatedly victimized,like I had been in the past.That's the point I was trying to make,that sometimes women keep seeking the same type of people,keep gravitating towards abusive people until they seek the help they need to change it.

Yes, i agree 100% with you.....sorry I did not word this well...my thoughts just were drifting more to the, "How can we fix this problem on the larger scale by thinking about prevention."

I think many victims blame themselves it is so wrong!

I also feel that you don't need to feel guilty or feel like it is your job or responsibility to care for your mother or your sister etc and their situation.... Your priority should be yourself and hoping that they get professional help may be the best that you can do.

 

[GDPR]

Thanks for explaing making_art.

I don't think there's really a way to prevent people from becoming abusers,it would be nice though.I personally think it's more important to help and educate the victims so they are able to protect themselves and not stay in abusive relationships rather than focus on the abusers.

 

[making_art]

Thanks for explaing making_art.

I don't think there's really a way to prevent people from becoming abusers,it would be nice though.I personally think it's more important to help and educate the victims so they are able to protect themselves and not stay in abusive relationships rather than focus on the abusers.

I very much like the idea of fixing/preventing the abusers.....its like stopping the flood rather than standing down stream and pulling folks out...

The transition houses do such a great job educating the victims...if we had education classes in high schools that would be good too.... Perhaps preventing young women from being in an abusive relationship.

 

[GDPR]

I very much like the idea of fixing/preventing the abusers

I very much like the idea too,along with fixing/preventing child abuse,sexual assault,poverty,war,terrorism,and everything else,including the common cold.In a perfect world,an alternate universe,maybe it would be possible,but the reality is it's simply not possible.

I think educating women needs to start younger than high school,it needs to start when they are very young,when they are children.

---------- Post Merged at 07:56 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:32 AM ----------

I was just thinking,my other sister is currently in the process of getting a divorce,has pressed charges against her husband,has an order of protection,etc.She is doing the right thing by getting out.That's who my sister should be turning to instead of me,and I think I will tell her that.I think our younger sister would be a positive influence for her,and who knows,maybe they could even live together and help each other out or something.

*I still always forget I have a younger sister,that's sad to say,it's just that I haven't seen her or talked to her in so long I forget about her.I read about her situation in the newspaper,when her husband was arrested for domestic violence*