poohbear
Member
Damn... I just lost a whole paragraph. I had a really "smart" sounding intro. Words can be deceiving, ha-ha-ha.
Anyway. I happened upon this site while looking for a Psych chat room, actually. I thought that talking to someone over the internet anonymously would be better than having to look someone in the face, if I reveal something sensitive. I was surprised to find a self-help site run by doctors. But Canadians have a much better grasp on the overall need of community healthcare than Americans do. Too bad I'm American, 'eh? (ha-ha...) Anyway, I joined because the postings I've read were answered with knowledgeable, yet un-condescending advice. I'm so sick of people trying to "fix" things. You can't "fix" mental illness. It has to be dealt with on a permanent basis, usually.
I'm a really screwed up 33 year old female. I've got three great, gorgeous boys. Oh, and a husband of 12 years. Yup, you guessed it. Not necessarily the Cleavers, here. We've been a couple since we were 15. I come from the typical dysfunctional American Military family. My sister, 38 now, (from my mom's 1st screwed up marraige, along with my disabled brother) was sexually abused by my father until she moved out at 18. After, of course, I opened up a can of worms and told all. No, he didn't abuse me in that sense, that I can remember. That was shortly after I ended my own abusive relationship with a family friend who liked to screw little girls. Not a bit angry about it am I? (My parents didn't know about that until I told them when I was 22 or so.) But, I feel much better because after 20 years, I put the jerk in jail, albeit for only 8 months. I had a prosecutor and detective who both believed me. They totally raided his home with search warrants in hand and found some pretty good evidence, even 20 years after the fact. Yeah, he's a little dense, I'd say. On top of that, he confessed, and tried to blame it on me and my screwed up family. Pretty good defense, huh? Well, it didn't work.
Since his prosecution, I've gone back to school for Nursing. I was in my second attempt at the time of his prosecution. You're only allowed two. So, naturally, it failed-- I had just had our third son. I had already dropped out on the first attempt to stay at home with our second son. So, I had to complete 960 hours as a State Certified Nursing Assistant, which was fun. And, I mean that. I love patient care. And, now I'm back in. My third attempt. Persistent, aren't I? I've re-taken Fundamentals and am going to start Medical Surgical & Pediatric Nursing in a few weeks. I think that maybe this is what has brought all this on. For the last week, I've been really despondent. Sleeping alot. Grumpy. Worrying about things I can't control. Hating my marraige (although, I hated it before this week.), and just in general, one really unpleasant person. I've even called out from work since Thursday. Three days lost. However, I really was sick. I even went to the Dr. last night. But I do know that had I not been so upset lately, I wouldn't be sick in the first place. (I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Bulemia, although I haven't actually "purged" in months. No, I don't have the urge to, either. I hope I've kicked it for good.) I am just flat out depressed, I think. It's not so bad today. The kids have finally gone back to school after Christmas break. And my husband has FINAL-FRIGGIN'-LY gone back to work in the office-- he can connect from home and work. (It's a curse..it's a blessing...it's a curse...it's a blessing...) Anyway. I finally have some free time to leisurely spill my guts to strangers on the internet. I don't have friends. I have one best friend in the whole world. Surprisingly enough, she is a successful PhD in Criminal Justice. She teaches in a major state university up north. I try not to burden her. She has her own issues. However, she knows the gist of things. I just play everything down with her. I don't want her to worry. She can't really be there for me while teaching and living her own life. But I love her to death all the same. We're buds. I don't have a good realtionship with my husband. I can't confide in him. In fact, I believe when (I hope...I hope...I hope...) I graduate from Nursing school (May 2007, May2007, May 2007, May 2007...) that we will divorce. I think it's over, we just are trying to get through school and the terrible two's! (Our boys are great-- 11, 7 and 2.) I'll never regret marrying, because of them. I love them so much I get overwhelmed just thinking about them. My children's future is everything to me. Even though our marraige may not work, I know our kids will have dedicated parents, regardless. I truly believe that children are the nation's future. I give my kids all the love and support and help that my parents neglected to give to me.
Well, I could go on and on. I think I'm cured. I just wanted to vent. I think I need a shower. Then I will clean the house that no one seems to want to clean-- ours. Then, I'll try to resume life and not spaz at the prospect of actually becoming a Nurse one day. I still would like replies, if anyone has some "light" advice. I'm a non-commital person when it comes to "taking care of self". I literally do not have the time to commit to any one thing for myself. I'm still not very sure how I'm going to actually complete Nursing school, although I will come hell or high water. This is my last chance. This is the one thing I want out of my life for myself. I have done nothing in my life for ME-- well, except prosecuting a pedophile, which was pretty big. But, for permanence. This Nursing degree will carry me through retirement. It's my one goal for ME. My nerves are shot, now... I'll check later for replies. Thanks--POOHBEAR
Anyway. I happened upon this site while looking for a Psych chat room, actually. I thought that talking to someone over the internet anonymously would be better than having to look someone in the face, if I reveal something sensitive. I was surprised to find a self-help site run by doctors. But Canadians have a much better grasp on the overall need of community healthcare than Americans do. Too bad I'm American, 'eh? (ha-ha...) Anyway, I joined because the postings I've read were answered with knowledgeable, yet un-condescending advice. I'm so sick of people trying to "fix" things. You can't "fix" mental illness. It has to be dealt with on a permanent basis, usually.
I'm a really screwed up 33 year old female. I've got three great, gorgeous boys. Oh, and a husband of 12 years. Yup, you guessed it. Not necessarily the Cleavers, here. We've been a couple since we were 15. I come from the typical dysfunctional American Military family. My sister, 38 now, (from my mom's 1st screwed up marraige, along with my disabled brother) was sexually abused by my father until she moved out at 18. After, of course, I opened up a can of worms and told all. No, he didn't abuse me in that sense, that I can remember. That was shortly after I ended my own abusive relationship with a family friend who liked to screw little girls. Not a bit angry about it am I? (My parents didn't know about that until I told them when I was 22 or so.) But, I feel much better because after 20 years, I put the jerk in jail, albeit for only 8 months. I had a prosecutor and detective who both believed me. They totally raided his home with search warrants in hand and found some pretty good evidence, even 20 years after the fact. Yeah, he's a little dense, I'd say. On top of that, he confessed, and tried to blame it on me and my screwed up family. Pretty good defense, huh? Well, it didn't work.
Since his prosecution, I've gone back to school for Nursing. I was in my second attempt at the time of his prosecution. You're only allowed two. So, naturally, it failed-- I had just had our third son. I had already dropped out on the first attempt to stay at home with our second son. So, I had to complete 960 hours as a State Certified Nursing Assistant, which was fun. And, I mean that. I love patient care. And, now I'm back in. My third attempt. Persistent, aren't I? I've re-taken Fundamentals and am going to start Medical Surgical & Pediatric Nursing in a few weeks. I think that maybe this is what has brought all this on. For the last week, I've been really despondent. Sleeping alot. Grumpy. Worrying about things I can't control. Hating my marraige (although, I hated it before this week.), and just in general, one really unpleasant person. I've even called out from work since Thursday. Three days lost. However, I really was sick. I even went to the Dr. last night. But I do know that had I not been so upset lately, I wouldn't be sick in the first place. (I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Bulemia, although I haven't actually "purged" in months. No, I don't have the urge to, either. I hope I've kicked it for good.) I am just flat out depressed, I think. It's not so bad today. The kids have finally gone back to school after Christmas break. And my husband has FINAL-FRIGGIN'-LY gone back to work in the office-- he can connect from home and work. (It's a curse..it's a blessing...it's a curse...it's a blessing...) Anyway. I finally have some free time to leisurely spill my guts to strangers on the internet. I don't have friends. I have one best friend in the whole world. Surprisingly enough, she is a successful PhD in Criminal Justice. She teaches in a major state university up north. I try not to burden her. She has her own issues. However, she knows the gist of things. I just play everything down with her. I don't want her to worry. She can't really be there for me while teaching and living her own life. But I love her to death all the same. We're buds. I don't have a good realtionship with my husband. I can't confide in him. In fact, I believe when (I hope...I hope...I hope...) I graduate from Nursing school (May 2007, May2007, May 2007, May 2007...) that we will divorce. I think it's over, we just are trying to get through school and the terrible two's! (Our boys are great-- 11, 7 and 2.) I'll never regret marrying, because of them. I love them so much I get overwhelmed just thinking about them. My children's future is everything to me. Even though our marraige may not work, I know our kids will have dedicated parents, regardless. I truly believe that children are the nation's future. I give my kids all the love and support and help that my parents neglected to give to me.
Well, I could go on and on. I think I'm cured. I just wanted to vent. I think I need a shower. Then I will clean the house that no one seems to want to clean-- ours. Then, I'll try to resume life and not spaz at the prospect of actually becoming a Nurse one day. I still would like replies, if anyone has some "light" advice. I'm a non-commital person when it comes to "taking care of self". I literally do not have the time to commit to any one thing for myself. I'm still not very sure how I'm going to actually complete Nursing school, although I will come hell or high water. This is my last chance. This is the one thing I want out of my life for myself. I have done nothing in my life for ME-- well, except prosecuting a pedophile, which was pretty big. But, for permanence. This Nursing degree will carry me through retirement. It's my one goal for ME. My nerves are shot, now... I'll check later for replies. Thanks--POOHBEAR
