Newbie needs new friends

[Rima]

Hi, well here I am, a bit nervous , but here goes... I've ended up in a place where I'm a stranger and don't know whether to try and go back to where I came from - along with a lot less money to have any kind of life with - and it's the life that would be attractive compared to where I am now, or to somehow keep 'existing' here in a place I feel completely alien to. Came from the big city almost 12 years ago with husband, but our relationship fell apart over time (wasn't that great anyhow:lol and divorced two years ago. I'm in a tiny place (looked like a good move re having a tiny mtge to deal with and lots of room for actual baggage), with a few hundred people who've known each other forever, and with whom I have nothing at all in common, plus no family except for bro. back in city, and only a handful of new acquaintances. I've also had no one to share my feelings with re marriage/divorce and more, and feel so alone, seeing less and less point (apart from being Mom to my cats) in anything much any more. I really hate whining like this, but think I need to do this (here) to be 'responsible'. Turned 65 this year, there's no work whatsoever around and it's harder and harder to try and make hobbies and/or the small volunteer stuff here feel meaningful. Any ideas would be welcome! Thanks.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

At the risk of appearing to trivialize financial stress, which is absolutely not my intent, there are almost always ways around money problems.

If

1. you are unhappy where you're living,
2. the reason you moved to your current location no longer exists, and
3. it is financially possible to return to your previous city where you likely have an existing support network which you could reactivate

then I would suggest you give serious consideration to that option.

It's probably important, given the current economic climate (although there are early indicators that this might already be starting to change), that you also research the current employment situation in your former city.

 

[Rima]

Dr. Baxter - Thank you so much for getting back quickly! I do appreciate it and on the surface (isn't there always more sounds obviously the right thing, however I no longer have any existing network of anything in the city to which we moved 20 yrs prior to coming here (they were mostly work connections and other friends have also left), plus apart from my philosophically diametically opposed brother, 100% tied up (with very little money as well) in his (religious) vocation, I have even fewer (none to speak of) ties in the city in which I grew up (but to which I would go if I went). As well, it may be possible to physically return financially, but as things stand now, My monthly mortgage is a third, if that, of what even a small rental would cost in the city, plus hopes of selling this place are fairly bleak for the foreseeable future, so it would leave me with no money at all to partake of anything enjoyable, aside from ambience, and possibly a larger pool of people to mix with. When I said I'd have no life 'there', I meant it. I moved here on my own a year ago (following a temporary and poorly thought out move after our split) solely because the only other option would have been a used trailer in some park charging lot rental fees (above and beyond my purchase), and not allowing pets - and mine are no more negotiable than children would be. Renting anything would cost a lot more. There are (sorry!) very real financial barriers to moving anywhere else in the country but here. I really do see that I seem to be putting ones up by myself, but also do feel I am in a Catch 22 place and suppose I just need to vent somewhere, and/or be able to express (and get feedback on) some of the marital issues that have now come to light for me, having had 2 years on my own to process them. Believe me, if it were as simple as 'just' leaving tomorrow, of course I would do it - there's no question of my being unsure. But thanks anyhow, I know there's no easy fix.

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Rima :welcome: to Psychlinks.

 

[Retired]

Rima,

Do I understand correctly that you have been away from your original home location for twelve years?

If so, and if the option of going back is being considered, I would suggest going back to that location and perhaps renting a place to get the feel of what it's like now.

From my own experience, having relocated my home, these days environments change rapidly and at our age, friends and family change as well. It's not to say this option cannot be the right one for you, I'm just saying check it out thoroughly before committing to the relocation after twelve years.

Turned 65 this year, there's no work whatsoever around and it's harder and harder to try and make hobbies and/or the small volunteer stuff here feel meaningful

Is your reference to finding work because you need to supplement income or because you want something to do?

Depending on your skills, if it's the latter, there are numerous volunteering opportunities that are more demanding such as administration jobs in charitable foundations. Hospital volunteer work can also be fulfilling and rewarding.

What kind of work opportunities did you have in mind?

 

[Rima]

Hi TSOW - I want to work both for money and something to do besides sitting and feeling sorry for myself. I think I haven't been very clear though about just how remote this place is - I have explored and taken part in the very few volunteer opportunities here, but they are few and far between, cost money in gas to get there, and are really pretty well 'staffed' by locals to begin with. There are only a few hundred people in my immediate 'town' and not a lot more for a very long way around - such things as 'foundations' do not exist in any respect, or are well covered by... locals. I know it all sounds nuts, but it is true. Being in a city makes it hard to appreciate just how narrow a focus there is in places like these - I can understand because I know now how ignorant I was about them myself for so long. I have been away, for 12 yrs, from the city we worked and lived in for 20 yrs after having lived (for 30 yrs) in my 'home town', so while 'home', where my only immediate family (bro.) is, would be my aim, it is even less familiar than the other one, but that's even more expensive than home. Crazy!

 

[ladylore]

Hi Rima.

 

[Jackie]

Just wanted to say hello

 

[Rima]

Hi everyone, nice to meet you! If anyone wants to recommend that I look at a specific forum or thread, please go ahead.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Rima,

Please do feel free to take a look around the forums. But don't worry about where you post. The moderators can clean it up a little if you get it wrong.

Rima, is there a town market (Saturday mornings) where you are? I know this may sound a little strange, but that's where I've met a lot of people....

 

[Rima]

Hi Jazzey - thanks for writing. The only market here is one only store that sells food in the town. There is a larger one half an hour away where I go weekly, but there are no 'markets' per se. Please believe me, I've definitely explored all avenues here - most of the people are families who are long time friends and relatives of each other and think I'm as alien as they are to me - have no idea what I'm doing here. Thanks anyhow.

 

[Retired]

It sounds as though current economic limitations such as the local housing market and City cost of living may prevent your relocation at this time requiring some creative ideas on making your current home location more vital.

Is there any seasonal or part time work available in your area that the long time local people may not be interested in?

Are you able to periodically commute between your current home and the place where your brother lives? That way you spend some time reactivating previous relationships, and these peole might visit and spend time with you at your current home.

Perhaps other may care to brainstorm and suggest other ideas.

 

[binqs]

Hi, Rima, and welcome. I do understand about your situation. The only thing I can suggest is getting "used" to what it is; if that is miles of emptiness, then i would go out one day and photograph that emptiness. Then the other side of that emptiness. One direction, then the other. If you go as far as you feel comfortable, learning the land, then you have at least one thing in common with the locals with which to strike up even the smallest of conversations. If you get a nibble, then there is potential for more. I think at one time you "craved" the isolation, but now it's a bit more than feels comfortable.

Even locals feel isolated sometimes. If you truly care about where you are, even given it's downside, you will find someone willing to talk about it, I think. People rarely hate the soil where they've planted their homes, even when they can't seem to escape it. And if you have a library nearby, that's a great resource for historical info and sometimes can be an entry into conversing with the locals.

So now I'll shaddup and just say "welcome." This is a community that truly invites the new and timid, encouraging growth.

 

[Rima]

Hi again, and thank you - please don't worry, I will figure things out in time. My brother's 2,500 mi. away, so I think that's probably a no-no:lol:, and activating previous relationships there would have to reach back 30+ yrs (apart from the high school reunion I attended 20 yrs ago. BINGS - thanks, you sound like a caring person and I like your idea of the photos. My problem is not superficial connections though, but major, hardwired differences in things that define whole populations (well..) like the fact that the churches are the anchors and supports for everything, as are hunting regs, country music, professional fishing and bingo for fun - all of which I am foreign to and all of which I just can't work up the whatever-it-takes to make that kind of polar change at my age. And the things I am 'into' are just not in the dictionary here.

I don't want to sound awful - the people are as nice as anywhere, but it's one thing to show up at age 25, with a husband and/or kids, and possibly a store-front or job where you just meet people all day, but another to be a female of my age (not to emphasize it otherwise - I do feel young inside) who is by nature more or less somewhat introverted anyhow, and with no man of my own (going some places alone is not much fun after all) is looked on as peculiar, if not outright suspect! You can be anonymous in a city, make friends with whoever you wish in a crowd, but if I so much as blink here one day, everyone knows about it the next day and follows up by inventing sequels (really!), so I do need to keep a somewhat low profile, if friendly.

It's just that there are no such things as... interesting night classes, interesting food (only one Chinese place for 150 mi. and you probably wouldn't recognize it as such), art that goes beyond 50 versions of sailboats, and shopping (beyond food) means driving 1 1/2 hrs to a place with a Wal-Mart - it's become the height of my aspirations these days ! There are 60 yr old people here (east coast) who don't understand the relationship of NY to Manhattan (really!) and a lot are closer to illiterate than otherwise. I know it all sounds very bizarre, but I never really wanted to be 'down' here to begin with, let alone in this burg - life has a funny way of going places you don't see until it's too late. Blah blah blah... but it's very nice to come here and talk to you all, so thanks for being around.

I wish someone would tell me more about them/you so I could get off my own horse here. I did look at some of the other forums, but have also noticed that many posters are quite young (which is great!) and caught up dating, etc. Is there anywhere for oldies to hang out or ???

 

[Trust]

Hi Rima!

There was a long-running tv show here in Canada called Corner Gas (just ended it's run) and the way you describe your town it sounds a lot like that prairie town comedy, but maybe that's just my imagination running away with me!

In any case, define your own interests, ie writing, photography, sewing, quilting, reading, childcare, music, theatre, politics, religion, computers, gardening, home decorating, pottery/ceramics, horseback riding, bingo, cooking, baking, counselling, sports, etc. etc. - and then perhaps you could start a group or club for like-minded people in your community.

It's not easy to feel like an outsider where you are living, but sometimes we tend to draw conclusions about people that are not entirely fair based on where they live, what they do for a living, appearances, small talk etc. and then we may miss an opportunity to discover that these same people may in fact share some things in common with us - things that could broaden and deepen our own experience - and sometimes it is because of others' differences we find even more stimulation.

You never know - if you try to reach out with an open mind you just may discover that your current assessment of your neighbours is not 100% accurate and maybe some of them are also feeling isolated and in need of deeper connections and more stimulating company. There could be more depth on the inside of some community members than you have yet noticed. You could be the leader to get a whole new vibe started - and it could even lead to additional income down the road depending on what skills and talents you have to offer. Loneliness is a universal experience. I live in a big city and some people think big city people are cold, stuck-up and detached. Of course that's just not true - people of all kinds live in all kinds of places. It's up to us to make the most of wherever we may live.

And on the financial note, you are, IMO, better off without that type of stress -- living cash-strapped in a big city and not being able to afford the lifestyle could prove to be even more isolating, IMO. At 65, it's hard to start all over, so maybe you should give the place you're at now a fresh chance by taking the initiative to create the kind of change you are seeking.

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decide, Rima!

 

[Fiver]

Hi Rima, and welcome. I've not much to offer by way of wise words, but I'm glad you're here. It's a very safe community, I'm finding, and well worth every moment spent here.

I'm glad you're here.

 

[Rima]

Thank you everyone! It's so nice to go from feeling like the rest of the world is going on without you somehow, and then to find a place with friends. I'm going to 'leave' this thread now, and check out the rest of the forum so I can meet more people. Thank you!

 

[Charity]

Rima my dear, are you sure you're not my neighbor? :lol:

For what it's worth, I understand EXACTLY what you're saying about the place you're living now. This is the sort of place I've lived pretty much my whole life! I do agree with you that people can't possibly understand the lifestyle unless they've actually lived it themselves for a while... A lot of people I meet online find it hard to believe that I've never set foot in a Target, Macy's, or Starbucks. The town I grew up in had about 150 people; now I live in this "big city" with a couple thousand. Not much difference, lol. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there's someone else here who knows ALLLLLL about the restrictions involved in living in such a place. When we say there's nothing, we mean it! It's a different sort of world when you're in a place where everyone literally does know everyone else (and half of them are related). Nothing's private; nothing's anonymous. And beyond that there's just.... nothing.

I think this is why I spend a lot of time online, lol. I'm glad to have met you here.

 

[Rima]

Hi Charity, and thanks for writing! It's really sad to be able to take so many things for granted in cities that just don't exist here. What I miss, apart from anything, are choices, variety, options! Oh well, in some ways it makes life easier, and I'm only a block from the beach!

 

[momof5]

Hi Rima,
Welcome aboard!