Newbie

[why]

Hi,
I've been lurking for a while. I'm happy to have found this place!!!

I have had depression since I was a child (but only formally diagnosed in '01) I've also suffered panic attacks since I was 18. Actually, there are quite a few sub-forums I could post on .

I'd like to tell my story, but I KNOW I would just end up rabbling.

Relieved to be here.

 

[white page]

:welcome2: Why,
:flowers:

Please feel free to tell your story as soon as you feel ready to do so, every ones story and experiences are important and don't worry about rambling, we are here to listen to you

Looking forward to seeing you on the forum.

best wishes wp

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Why. :welcome: to Psychlinks!

Glad you joined us

 

[Always Changing]

Welcome to the forums Why.

 

[ladylore]

Welcome to Psychlinks Why.

There is alot to read and I hope somethng catches your eye. Please feel free to join in the conversations that interest you. Personal experiences are important, but please don't feel pressured in telling us your story. That is not a requirement. You can say as little or as much as you want.

Enjoy and welcome.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to Psychlinks, why!

 

[songbird]

Welcome to Psychinks Why

 

[Retired]

Relieved to be here

:welcome2: Why, be relieved here!

Hope you find Psychlinks helpful and informative.


(FYI it's supposed to be a play on words....)

 

[why]

Thank you everyone for your welcome.

Okay, here I go.

I don't have issues...I have subscriptions LOL

My first three years were great. I lived with my mom, auntie, and grandparents. So in effect, I had three moms and a dad who thought I was the be all and end all and spoiled me like a good grandpa should

Mom married and we moved. Dad was a great guy at first. We had a lot of fun. Then my brother was born. He was diagnosed as "retarded" (this was 1975....he was finally diagnosed as Autistic about 15 years ago). Dad hit the bottle HARD. Apparently he was always a drinker, but got much worse. He started to get mean. By the time I was in about 3rd/4th grade, it became unbearable. Verbal abuse mostly, but got physical at times as well. He didn't hit Mom, but was also verbally/emotionally abusive to her. It was a nightmare, since when I was at home, there was dad, but when I was at school there was the other kids. I was the one they picked. Being tiny, shy, sensitive, with a "retarded" brother to boot, I was a "goldmine".

By the time I was a young teenager, I would play a suicide "game". I would simply count how many days in a row I wanted to kill myself. I was fortunate enough, that even at that age, I really didn't want to die...I just wanted life to be better. And how can that happen when you are dead? When I was thirteen, The migraines I suffered for years, were found to be a symptom of a brain tumour. It was the size of a small grapefruit, and apparently my odds for survival weren't very good. neurologist called it a "miracle" as there was no need for physical or speech therapy (which apparently was a given) I had NO after-effects, and apparently, according to a nurse, took it too much in stride.

In some ways the whole brain thing was a blessing. Now no more bullies. At home though, things got slowly worse. Dad drank even more. and his abuse was more frequent. I feel the problem there was, his son was not "fixable", but his wife's child was. When I was 16, my mom kicked him out. Life was AWESOME. Then on December 22 1986, Grandpa had a heart attack. It was the first death I experienced, and it was GRANDPA. A few days later at a New Year's eve social, I met my now husband. Then a year later, out of the blue, I started having panic attacks. They were centered around death. I started to fixate on brain aneurysyms, then cancer, then anything. I dragged my poor boyfriend to the emergency room almost every weekend, terrified I was dying. I was finally diagnosed with panic attacks and was prescribed Xanax. Things slowly improved.

I had to live at home because of the "career" I chose (esthetics). But I liked living at home. Mom and I were very close. My boyfriend even lived with us (sort of......long story there). When I was twenty-six, my beloved grandma was diagnosed with cancer. I was devasted. I was between jobs Grandma offered to pay for acting classes at an agency. It eventually turned out to be a scam, but I made connections, and was on my way. Bless you grandma:heart:
Around this time, I started speaking to dad again. He still drank, but soon went to AA. I had a dad again

Then in late 2000, I "suddenly" had a complete nervous breakdown. Very scary. It was panic attacks again, but a 1000% worse than ever. I'm still not exactly sure why. My heart was constantly pounding, I was sweating, my blood pressure went up. I couldn't sleep. Many times I even crawled into mom's bed. Or I would sleep on the couch, with the lights and t.v on. I was referred to a psychiatrist. About two months later, I was on Paxil, and feeling much better.

After being engaged for 15 years ( :lol: ), in 2002 I got married. We had found a tiny house, but my husband could not get a mortgage because of a business situation (he was part-owner of a restaurant out of province that was doing badly) Dad bought the house, and we paid him a VERY nice small sum once a month. He paid for my wedding. I knew he was trying to "make it up to me". My heart broke for him. Mom was excited of course. The first year was hard, because I was homesick like crazy!!!! But our place was a block away from Dad and a block and a half away from Mom. It was great. . When I would come home for lunch she would meet me, spend a half hour having coffee with me and my husband and drive me back to work. Taking over the mortgage payments to dad, was a great opportunity to visit. I couldn't believe how everything turned out!!

In November 2003, Dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma (asbestos caused cancer... which is weird since he was an accountant). There is no cure for it. I couldn't believe it. NOW?????? I always loved the Christmas season, but it meant nothing to me. Mom was taking it hard. Her and Dad were friends now, had been for a while. Dad wanted to get back together, but for Mom, there was too much water under the bridge. But every day she would go to the hospital. With all the stress, on December 21, Mom had a heart attack. I can't even describe the feeling WTF??!!! MOM???!!! She just had her 60th birthday the week before!! My world ended. But Dad was dying, and needed me...The whole thing was a bizarre nightmare. After mom was pronounced, Auntie called, crying "done", my husband and I went up a few floors and told a nurse at the station the "situation". Dad was asleep, so plans were made to come the next day to give him the news. I don't know how I slept.

The next day, he was given his morphine and sedatives before we told him. After that he went down FAST. I used to LOVE Christmas Eve. My Mom's side is Ukrainian, and I would always look forward to the special dinner. One time of year where I was always happy and grateful. That Christmas Eve me, my husband my cousins and their SO's all sat around Auntie's dinner table, with the empty chair that was tradition. From there, my husband and I went to spend Christmas Eve with Dad, and bring him left-overs. No point in the left-overs. He was out of it. His periods of lucidness were now seldom. I HATE, I mean HATE Christmas. As a catholic, well... He wanted to go to Mom's funeral. HUH??? OMG, he was hooked up to oxygen, and his brain was going. We figured out a way. The day of Mom's funeral was surreal. I remember following Mom's casket with Dad behind me in his wheechair pushed by paramedics. I remember once during the service, dad's oxygen tank ran out! The paramedics hastily changed it. What sick mind thought this up??!!!

I have to take a break

God help me there is more.

 

[HBas]

Welcome Why :hug:

Your story (so far) gave me tears ... Thank you for sharing

HB

 

[songbird]

Dear Why,

I'm so saddened to read of all the heartache, loss and struggles that you've endured. It was one thing right after another, and at the same time. Overwhelming to say the least. Thank you for sharing your story, it must be so triggering. I know there is more and that there are therapeutic aspects in sharing, when you are ready we are here. It's good to have a safe place to share and express your feelings. I'm glad that you found this forum in which to do so. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom.

hugs,


songbird

 

[why]

Thank you so much, both of you. :hug:

It is cathartic, but I also feel sometimes that it had to of happened to someone else. Feeling numb, and that makes it easier at times KWIM? I did of a "break" for a while. But things are now even worse, but I'm writing about that. I have my draft that I write down a bit at a time, and will then post again.

Maybe I'm posting this in the wrong place? I know a large chunk of it could go into bereavement...

 

[why]

I've been trying to write down the rest of my story. But like I thought, it is turning into a novel. So, the condensed version:

Had to move into mom's house. Felt unhappy with my marriage, because of bottled up resentment, and my "buffer" was gone. Of course, I didn't say anything. Started acting classes (that was what I always wanted anyway). Made GREAT friends. Unfortunately my "main" buddy, was male, and I was deeply attached to him. Life was going great. It was the type of life I always wanted! Hanging out with fellow actor's, going film festivals, etc.

Found out Auntie was dying now too. My cousins (who used to be like little sisters) REALLY started pushing me away now, They had been for years, even while Mom was still alive. Actually, they pushed Mom away too, and I contribute the actions of one of them, as an additional cause of Mom's death:rant::rant: The last few years of Auntie's life, I was not invited to her birthday. Auntie felt bad. It was a little easier going through this, as I had a whole bunch of people as a support system.

My husband found out about my emotional attachment to my "friend". Things have been bad at home (although they have been improving). I still have the original complaints and resentments, but of course, now that I have had an emotional affair, there is absolutely, 1000%, NO WAY, my husband will believe they came first. It is just me justifying. That in itself is depressing. I feel suffocated and trapped....

Last summer, I was turfed by my male friend, since I had a jealous reaction (minor, really), when he went out with a 23 year old, instead of talking to me about a stressful event I was going through. The rest of my friends are mutual, and I don't see them anymore. This man now treats me as if I were a leper. If we are ever in the same room, he shoots icy glances, if he doesn't obviously ignore me. I don't try to talk to him anyway. I'm not dumb. A friend of his was writing a script for me, as a "thank you" for letting him use my camera to shoot a small film last year. Well, my "friend" saw to it, that the part was given to someone else....his young friend obviously.

So, in a nutshell: Not happy in marriage. Work gone. Best "friend" not only gone, but being cruel in my opinion. Rejected by the rest of my friends. Complete social isolation. Family dead. Those still around reject me. I am worthless. It's been hammered in me. It's obvious.

---------- Post added July 18th, 2009 at 04:47 AM ---------- Previous post was July 17th, 2009 at 09:39 AM ----------

I just don't trust anybody anymore. And when I've tried to reach out, I was just ignored. There is no end in sight.

 

[Banned]

Why,

I'm sorry for your pain. You have been through so much and it can be so difficult to find the good when you've experienced so much heartache.

Is it possible to break down the issues and maybe start to tackle them, with the help of a therapist, in the order most important to you? ie maybe if your marriage is the most important thing then start to work on that first. By building that up, you will have the additional support of your husband to work through some of the other stuff. I don't know...it's just a suggestion. When I read everything you've been through I can understand why things feel hopeless, but it doesn't have to be that way. Just breaking it off into smaller chunks can make things more manageable and alot less frightening.

I hope you can find some support and close friends to help you through things. You definitely have the support of all of us at Psychlinks. Keep posting...like you say, it can be cathartic just getting it all out.

 

[Hummingbird]

Hi Why : Sorry to hear of all the heartache you have been through. I know circumstances can be so cruel. But in every cloud there is a silver lining, I hope you can find it and use this as a place to start rebuilding your life. Maybe if you back away from the friends that are excluding you and concentrate on the most important aspect of your life. Maybe that your close male friend is gone your husband will be less agitated and you can start rebuilding what you had with him. He was probably your most vital support before this all happened. Sometimes when we get so absorbed in a new interest and it provides such stimulation and support the significant others in our lives feel dispensable. This may be how your husband was feeling. This is a chance to renew your relationship with your husband and create a new balance. Go at it slowly it will take time and it may seem that it's too difficult to do but believe me give it a go. I think many marriages have times when the spouses have unsettling times and you have to work to get your relationship on a smooth road again. I don't think that is uncommon. As you begin to see a more supportive attitude develop in your husband you will know you are on the right track.

It might feel lonely without your friends but you have demonstrated that you make friends easily and you can make new ones. If they choose to ignore you that is their lose. Your close male friend in a way was a source of irritation to you marriage and your well -being. Keep him at bay even if he tries to be friendly. He may be your friend but he hurts you. His behavour with his new girlfriend is uncalled for . That may be an indication to you of what he is really like. I hope this helps you. Feel free to use or disgard any of this info. to formulate a strategy to get yourself back where you want to be. Hummingbird.

 

[why]

Thank you Turtle and Hummingbird.
Yep, waiting to see a psychiatrist. Getting impatient!
Don't know where to start really, The friend situation is bad. For the first six months that I had been "turfed" I saw no one. Literally. My husband was out of town for business (didn't get back until December). I would call people, and get a "let's do drinks". And wouldn't hear back from them. It got to the point that I would make sure I would go to the store everyday, just so I would see people. I don't be mean to be over-dramatic, but it felt like some sort of weird torture. By November I was suicidal - just major ideation, 24/7. I sent a Facebook message to one friend, telling of my pain. Never heard back. Talk about a slap in the face. A few months ago, I managed to reconnect with an old high school friend. Unfortunately, she is married with young children, so I don't get to see her much. It's difficult.
The thing is, I'm having ALOT of trouble in a way, wanting to make new friends KWIM? On one hand, I want a social life, on the other hand, I almost feel like I don't like people.