NapsWithCats
Member
Hi all,
My name is Julie, been diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depression and anxiety.
Have been raped twice, once at 16 w/knife at my neck (have neck phobia), child neglect/abuse (according to my siblings, I do remember a little and horrible abuse when I was a teenager). I have no recollection of one childhood Christmas, although my older siblings said we had it every year, was just pretty traumatic every year.
Joined a "world peace" organization about 10-ish years ago that I volunteered heavily for, had a huge paradigm change in my mind, became involved with someone in that group that, I'm guessing, triggered the PTSD as I became suicidal, left relationship, became reclusive and highly suicidal and had plan and means. Loved my cats only, lost faith in God, but took myself to hospital because I loved my cats (they saved my life). Was in hospital 3.5 weeks. Was misdiagnosed after 15 minute meeting with Psychiatrist with Bipolar.
Couldn't function for over 2 years. After hospital, was in outpatient there for about a month or 2-ish (don't remember). Started seeing partner Psychologist of my Psychiatrist. We almost immediately became involved (I never would see a married man - was on so many high doses of wrong meds, I wasn't in my right mind). He told me never to tell, especially the Psychiatrist. I didn't. Once a week in his office, and once a week at my house. Long story, but I eventually (and very slowly) took myself off Bipolar meds, stayed on Depression and anxiety meds. Head was much clearer, it ended badly with Psychologist - he didn't like who I really was.
I filed with Board of Psychology, it went immediately to Medical Board, and an accusation was filed very quickly by Attorney General's office.
About 5 months later (don't remember) filed civil suit. 2 long years of all that, but my attorney put the Psychiatrist and Hospital in there, too, which I didn't know he was going to do, so when the MSC (Mandatory Settlement Conference) came, the judge decided to break it into 2 back-to-back 3+ weeks each trials. I was vigilent enough to get through one trial and wanted this to be public, but two back-to-back - I was floored. Their side brought their big-wigs from back east and offered immediate mediation. 10 hours later it settled. I did not want to settle, wanted to go to trial, but had not the energy, moxy to go through the exact same questions twice with 2 different juries which is why I agreed to the mediation.
There are so many triggers in my life now and have been properly diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depression (panic and anxiety come with the PTSD) and am being medicated for the same.
The paradigm shift from that organization and the relationship I was in from one of the teachers who taught this "language" very well, yet did not live congruent with it and didn't want to try (really odd) and really triggered me highly as she reminded me of my mother (also am not a lesbian, I love everybody, but had never been in this type of relationship and wanted to end it long before I did).
I am now happily a/sexual (feeling of complete freedom so much!)
I am scared a lot and in a bit of a sticky situation now. I have 10 cats (I volunteered for a long time w/shelter, 6 are special needs (CRF/Hypercalcemia; hyperthyroid; post-upper eyelid agenesis surgery and seizures; bronchial asthma; radial hypoplasia and one, I swear, has PTSD. She's come really far since I've adopted her, but gets triggered under certain circumstances. They get the best food, all indoor, best care by me and vet, I am diligent in keeping them clean, ears, nails trimmed, bathe my one-eyed Himmy once a month and trim when necessary, they all get individual, loving attention and lots of love. I have a permit for 7 of them (I couldn't turn away the one that was going to be euthanized in the next 15 minutes, or the upper eyelied agenesis girl who was with a foster who wasn't getting her surgery done (causing corneal ulcers and some scratching) or the Radial Hypoplasia guy who was in another foster's care on death's door. I took him straight to emergency and the doctor said I should turn the woman in who was "caring" for him. He is awesome and very healthy now (but not before spreading Giardia to a couple of my cats, so I had to treat them all and keep the litter boxes bleach-cleaned constantly, whew! Glad that's over).
I live for my cats and they are all I really care about, although one of my brothers is really reaching out to me for the first time (w/consistency) and for that I a super grateful. A little authentic support goes miles with me
All of my settlement went mostly towards animal charities, my special needs cats, I bought a new car, but just recently had to sell it to pay off my credit card bill and have little left over.
Have recently applied for SSD and Medi-Cal. I've always been a strong and diligent worker, but things changed after that relationship.
My memory is pretty bad now, I've gained 50 pounds (or 60?), I am super triggered by any type of argument, even if I'm not involved. I was and somewhat recently was hitting myself (started in that relationship). All I hear when I'm doing it is "You're bad girl!" (I'm 49). I always feel relief after.
When I was on Bipolar meds they said I would disassociate. I wish I could just disassociate whenever I get the knot in my stomach that doesn't go away and become fearful (which is very often). My brother said I spaced out yesterday at X-Mas, I don't recall. We were having fun (just my brother, mother and me).
Anyways, sorry for the long intro! Truly! This is just the tip of the iceburg (berg?) but I'm getting through by mindful meditation breathing exercises, Jesus Father God (I don't go to church - another story) and being grateful. It curbs a lot, I mean a LOT of the pain and sometimes fear.
A short bit about my fun times: I was a Legal Secretary for 20+ years; in between on weekends and sometimes during the week, I did professional Brazilian folclorico and samba dancing, then went into percussion for the next couple of years and had tons of friends and lots of fun in life.
But anyways, that's a bit o' me for introduction! (If you've read this far, you're a trooper! Thanks! ;-)
Warmly,
Julie O'
My name is Julie, been diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depression and anxiety.
Have been raped twice, once at 16 w/knife at my neck (have neck phobia), child neglect/abuse (according to my siblings, I do remember a little and horrible abuse when I was a teenager). I have no recollection of one childhood Christmas, although my older siblings said we had it every year, was just pretty traumatic every year.
Joined a "world peace" organization about 10-ish years ago that I volunteered heavily for, had a huge paradigm change in my mind, became involved with someone in that group that, I'm guessing, triggered the PTSD as I became suicidal, left relationship, became reclusive and highly suicidal and had plan and means. Loved my cats only, lost faith in God, but took myself to hospital because I loved my cats (they saved my life). Was in hospital 3.5 weeks. Was misdiagnosed after 15 minute meeting with Psychiatrist with Bipolar.
Couldn't function for over 2 years. After hospital, was in outpatient there for about a month or 2-ish (don't remember). Started seeing partner Psychologist of my Psychiatrist. We almost immediately became involved (I never would see a married man - was on so many high doses of wrong meds, I wasn't in my right mind). He told me never to tell, especially the Psychiatrist. I didn't. Once a week in his office, and once a week at my house. Long story, but I eventually (and very slowly) took myself off Bipolar meds, stayed on Depression and anxiety meds. Head was much clearer, it ended badly with Psychologist - he didn't like who I really was.
I filed with Board of Psychology, it went immediately to Medical Board, and an accusation was filed very quickly by Attorney General's office.
About 5 months later (don't remember) filed civil suit. 2 long years of all that, but my attorney put the Psychiatrist and Hospital in there, too, which I didn't know he was going to do, so when the MSC (Mandatory Settlement Conference) came, the judge decided to break it into 2 back-to-back 3+ weeks each trials. I was vigilent enough to get through one trial and wanted this to be public, but two back-to-back - I was floored. Their side brought their big-wigs from back east and offered immediate mediation. 10 hours later it settled. I did not want to settle, wanted to go to trial, but had not the energy, moxy to go through the exact same questions twice with 2 different juries which is why I agreed to the mediation.
There are so many triggers in my life now and have been properly diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depression (panic and anxiety come with the PTSD) and am being medicated for the same.
The paradigm shift from that organization and the relationship I was in from one of the teachers who taught this "language" very well, yet did not live congruent with it and didn't want to try (really odd) and really triggered me highly as she reminded me of my mother (also am not a lesbian, I love everybody, but had never been in this type of relationship and wanted to end it long before I did).
I am now happily a/sexual (feeling of complete freedom so much!)
I am scared a lot and in a bit of a sticky situation now. I have 10 cats (I volunteered for a long time w/shelter, 6 are special needs (CRF/Hypercalcemia; hyperthyroid; post-upper eyelid agenesis surgery and seizures; bronchial asthma; radial hypoplasia and one, I swear, has PTSD. She's come really far since I've adopted her, but gets triggered under certain circumstances. They get the best food, all indoor, best care by me and vet, I am diligent in keeping them clean, ears, nails trimmed, bathe my one-eyed Himmy once a month and trim when necessary, they all get individual, loving attention and lots of love. I have a permit for 7 of them (I couldn't turn away the one that was going to be euthanized in the next 15 minutes, or the upper eyelied agenesis girl who was with a foster who wasn't getting her surgery done (causing corneal ulcers and some scratching) or the Radial Hypoplasia guy who was in another foster's care on death's door. I took him straight to emergency and the doctor said I should turn the woman in who was "caring" for him. He is awesome and very healthy now (but not before spreading Giardia to a couple of my cats, so I had to treat them all and keep the litter boxes bleach-cleaned constantly, whew! Glad that's over).
I live for my cats and they are all I really care about, although one of my brothers is really reaching out to me for the first time (w/consistency) and for that I a super grateful. A little authentic support goes miles with me
All of my settlement went mostly towards animal charities, my special needs cats, I bought a new car, but just recently had to sell it to pay off my credit card bill and have little left over.
Have recently applied for SSD and Medi-Cal. I've always been a strong and diligent worker, but things changed after that relationship.
My memory is pretty bad now, I've gained 50 pounds (or 60?), I am super triggered by any type of argument, even if I'm not involved. I was and somewhat recently was hitting myself (started in that relationship). All I hear when I'm doing it is "You're bad girl!" (I'm 49). I always feel relief after.
When I was on Bipolar meds they said I would disassociate. I wish I could just disassociate whenever I get the knot in my stomach that doesn't go away and become fearful (which is very often). My brother said I spaced out yesterday at X-Mas, I don't recall. We were having fun (just my brother, mother and me).
Anyways, sorry for the long intro! Truly! This is just the tip of the iceburg (berg?) but I'm getting through by mindful meditation breathing exercises, Jesus Father God (I don't go to church - another story) and being grateful. It curbs a lot, I mean a LOT of the pain and sometimes fear.
A short bit about my fun times: I was a Legal Secretary for 20+ years; in between on weekends and sometimes during the week, I did professional Brazilian folclorico and samba dancing, then went into percussion for the next couple of years and had tons of friends and lots of fun in life.
But anyways, that's a bit o' me for introduction! (If you've read this far, you're a trooper! Thanks! ;-)
Warmly,
Julie O'
