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rosedragon

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Hi there,

My name is Rosiana, 22, female, Indonesia. I come here with two intentions. First, to seek knowledges about human personalities, why they act these and that, to find out things about life itself. Beside for self-knowledge and understanding, I'm seek those also for working out some fictions.

Second, as I read here and there, it seems I have several disorders, well they are not annoying for me except one thing.. I hate my unstable mood. I would like to know, how you, professionals on psychology would diagnose myself if you would spare some time for me. So here are what I think I need to tell..

Right now I'm working homework as article writer on a local game magazine and technology news website.

My Past
Since I'm able to interact, I always prefer alone and making stories using my toys instead gather with other kids. My actions are eccentric. As long as I remember, I'm hardly stick with people, most of them are trying to take me down with many ways (including attempts on mental and physical abuses) or just stay away from me. The only socialization I found comfortable are around games and internet, it also for real life game such as trading cards but mostly I only playing the game together, not interacting further.

For the worst, once I was in middle of religious community (so I had built trust on them)and then get people humiliate me physical and mental while everyone else turns their back from me even my parents and cyber brother I share with for more than a year-- it bring me a trauma I never forgot. Due to my life time I was consulting to several psychologists but no one could help-- what I view they are just like normal consultants and one that diagnose as she like and giving drugs at first session.

Those doesn't stop me, so do what people expect from me not going to make me give up. But it cause me building duality inside.

Several things I found that might symptoms of disorders

- Constant changes of mood, once can be extreme happy and few minutes later extremely feeling down, because very small event or (rarely) without cause.
- Having two contradict self of thoughts and perceptions which constantly switch which is dominate which then affect actions.
- Detachment from other people.
- Rarely participates in activities for fun or pleasure (party and such not for me, games are for thrilling actions and safe interactions).
- A sense of indifference to praise and affirmation, as well as to criticism or rejection.
- Tend to become angry and frustrated when other people fail to meet expectations.
- Attention seeker
- Never able to trust people especially around their reliability but never able to hid about myself or my opinions because the attention seeker and curiosity factor.
- Eccentric perceptions, thoughts, and behaviors.
- I believe I can read several people's personalities by meet and seeing their eyes without need to know them first.
- I believe I have a dragon in spirit, which it encourage me at most difficult times and occurring since the trauma. Well, it is the only thing that keep me from suicide.
- Major difficulties in forming relationships. (Well, I'm able to find a boyfriend, but I'm unable to feel like to keep the relationship. I felt they are not who I'm looking for or had pessimistic about it.)
- Severe social anxiety that does not diminish with time or familiarity.
- Frequently ignore others or react inappropriately.
- Sensitive to rejections.
- A desire for closeness with others but difficulty forming relationships with people.
- Avoidance of social situations, including those related to school or work.
- Sometimes judging things on world as black and white.
- Random sleep time and duration. Mostly wake up at night, sleep at morning. Sometimes unreasonable tired and sleep for 16-24 hours while sometime can't sleep and not tired for 24 hours.

What I think about myself
Having contradictions/duality inside self. I am a rose and a dragon, the two contradict symbols that personify me much. I life inside fantasy, and I pour them into artworks from drawing, making game mods, to writing. I'm only opened in cyber world because I felt save from seeing what they really thinks of me and what they gonna do to me.

I'm smart with IQ test 141, ability to surpass other students when I was in school without even study a bit (only listening to teacher explanations, doing tasks given, just that.. no self study), and finishing school exams 4 times faster than other kids. I think quick and dislike of re-think on my exams (head already hurts). Compared to westerners, I think I'm not such witty, might because the level of education.

Maintaining daily relationship like what you should do when being at work exhaust me, 8 hours enough to draining my concentrations, usually I can't study anything after that for the whole day. While I have years asking why they hate me and such, I had jump into conclusion that it because my way of think is different with them just like Einstein is a weirdo. I assume this conclusion as the best especially after reading Daniel Keyes-- Flowers for Algernon.

While in conversations it seem hard to people to understand what I am trying to say, I'm able to be understood in text format such as forum posts, chats, stories. In fact, I'm able to make almost everyone know, love, and appreciate me in cyber world.

I want to change the world, life is too worthy to be just spent with dedicating, giving, and loving certain people. I know literatures, especially fictions able to inspire and changes people, so I use it as media to say what I want to say and morals/philosophies I believe.

What people said about me
- cold
- loner
- bad tempered
- stubborn
- too smart
- hard to be understood (conversations).
- high will
- have useless and senseless goal of life

Last, thank you for allowing me in and/or reading my long post. I apologize for my bad grammar.

regards,
Rosiana
 

lallieth

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Re: newcomer from indonesia

Hi Rose

Welcome to the site :) Have you seen a doctor qualified in diagnosing/treating mental disorders? I would give the advice for you to start there.It's important to get the correct diagnosis,rather than relying on self diagnosis or the internet.A qualified doctor/therapist needs to be able to talk to you one on one for an assessment,and together you can work out a treatment plan designed for your particular disorder

PS Flowers for Algernon was an excellent book.
 
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ladylore

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Re: newcomer from indonesia

Hi Rosiana,

Welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

There definitely is alot to read about pschology on this site that may be of interest to you.

Do you have a therapist right now? The only real way to find out if something is going on is to book a doctors appointment - diagnosing someone needs to be done face to face rather then online.

I have never been to Indonesia so I am not sure how things work there but booking an appointment to see a doctor would be a good start.

Glad your here. :)
 
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rosedragon

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Re: newcomer from indonesia

Good ones too expensive to me. My salary is $50-60 per month, typical high-school graduate, just able for living myself and buy some books. And there is no instant cures, so you will need to keep coming back. I also decline to talk these towards real life people because leakage is high and destructive to my future goals. So, unless my problems put me or other people into danger (such as forcing me to suicide or attempts to hurt people), I will not seek 'real' help.

In past I ever go into psychologist/psychiatric that have doctor title (s2? above bachelor) because my eccentric-fantasy behaviors but what she do only keep arguing that I am jealous with my little brother (even after my parents says I don't have problems/weird attitudes toward my little brother) and then give me a some drugs. Instead this one, the others only act as consultants or testing my intellectuals.

PS too: Yay! From every psychology-themed books Flowers for Algernon is the best for me, looking to purchase other Daniel Keyes' book next month, probably 24 faces of Billy. Any suggestion to one as good/near good as Flowers for Algernon? :D
 

David Baxter

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Re: newcomer from indonesia

If I asked you to pick one or two things, the issues or problems that bother you the most, what would they be?
 

rosedragon

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:rolleyes: Effective use of my time to reach my goal which sometimes bothered with unstable mood, ceased spirit, sudden sleepiness or laziness, fears (well sometimes I need approval or rely real life people right :/ ) . While the bothers never keep me without progress, they slowing it down. :p

I understand I might fail reaching it but I don't want lose to myself ;) .
 

David Baxter

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Well, you indicate that you don't want or can't afford counselling or therapy but you like reading - there are self-help books on pretty much everything these days. Have you explored what's available in terms of goal-setting and self-motivation? Has that been helpful?
 
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welcome rosedragon. i like your username, it is very pretty and shows such contrast.

i hope we can be of help to you here. :wave4:
 

lallieth

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Rose

I havent read much books like Flowers For Algernon,so if you have any suggestions,let me know :)
 

rosedragon

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Well, you indicate that you don't want or can't afford counselling or therapy but you like reading - there are self-help books on pretty much everything these days. Have you explored what's available in terms of goal-setting and self-motivation? Has that been helpful?

I don't read about goal-setting but I researches and already set my goal. It is:
1. Keep writing, reading more than write (reading some writing advices and many fictions/real life novel), while try find a path to up. I found having my names at magazines help, because i don't like typical love or teen stories, I become contribute writer on a game magazine. Instead doing some common articles like review of incoming game, I make intellectual articles such as how to be game developer.
2. Next, around 1-2 year having my name at the magazine, have made another novel draft, and having/asking connections from my boss (we contact each other using yahoo anyway)and people I know in internet, I will start sending part of my novel to publishers.
3. If I can't get Indonesian publishers, I will translate it to English, if can get someone to repair it, and send into e-novel companies, active more at deviantart, and search other option to make my name famous at the net.
4. As I get name (national award or decent internet award), I will try to send into book publishers that have names.

Self-motivation.. Yap, read some of them ^_^, practicing some of it (although stories like chicken soup giving more inspirations to move on). Like I put some nice quotes on my cupboard such as 'Failure is common, fear to fail is dumb' and 'madness and genius only separated by a degree of success'. Have a book where I wrote down my goals and things I desire to gain/have/purchase.

While when mood swings happen, well..eat chocolate, play game, do anything.. sometimes pass after hours, sometimes a day or two. But not too stressful, still able to read if the book not hard, sometimes yell at friends on net but later apologize, spends money on snacks which make me feel bad later, but no self destruct :p . Self-motivate books never help much on this but my discovery of goal that I really desire did reduce the intense of stress/depression to level that instead calling myself worthless; I call myself dumb if can't get on with it A.S.A.P. Also take most my attention away from past and depression.

welcome rosedragon. i like your username, it is very pretty and shows such contrast.

i hope we can be of help to you here.

Contrast are artistic! Well, just another dualism :p .
Love to dig the articles here and post replyyyyyyyyyyy haha.

I havent read much books like Flowers For Algernon,so if you have any suggestions,let me know

Me too :/ ...

Thx for the warm welcomes :D.
 

Retired

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Hello Rosiana,

Welcome to Psychlinks. I've found your comments very interesting and look forward to your participation on the Forum.
 

David Baxter

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It sounds like you know what works for you and what doesn't, rosedragon.

Welcome, belatedly, to Psychlinks. :)
 

Halo

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Welcome to Psychlinks Rosedragon :welcome2:

I hope to see you around :wave:
 

Meg

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Welcome to Psychlinks :hello:
 

rosedragon

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Hello Rosiana,

Welcome to Psychlinks. I've found your comments very interesting and look forward to your participation on the Forum.

I'm super active forum-goer ;). And sure!

This is a nice forum, sure will making me busy. The articles here (as long as those I had read)are easy to read, not using the head ache making scientific languages. Getting loads of useful things for both real life and stories. I'm sure not going to be months I will make a short story from what I get here ;) .

It sounds like you know what works for you and what doesn't, rosedragon.

Only around 80% sure on things I said.. that's why I mention it in detail :/ . Sometime doubting again but then it makes me keep aware if founding more options or halting me :/ . Almost everything that I believe can suddenly back into large question mark temporarily.
 

braveheart

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Welcome! :)

I like your choice of name - rosedragon - and can very much relate to the interaction of opposites in the self.
 

rosedragon

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I never looking a kind of story.. I get an idea, I wrote it whatever it is fantasy, sci-fi, real life, horror... *grins* although my fav would be mix of fantasy with err.. psychology-moral-philosophy? :/ ...love to make fascinating world habited by realistic characters (which their attitudes are make sense, whichever normal or crazy) and hidden inspirations+moral.
 

Halo

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So from what I understand you are going to gather information and ideas from here and create a story based on realistic characters?
 

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