More threads by Michelle M

l think night time is the hardest for me. l think back to my past, being young with so much hope and missed opprotunities by my own hand and l lived to be a Mother. l wanted a good husband who would love and want me as much as l loved and wanted him. Everyone seemed to have it all, while l accepted any attention he offered me and l wish l had been emotionally strong enough to kick him to the curb and wait for a suitable man who wanted the same things l did.

My life has always been one struggle to the next and l did not have much time to be a child because my mother was always so emotionally needy.

l grew up with dreams and so much time that seemed endless. Now, at 54, l don't have the strength or endurance l once did and l see myself aging faster with each coming year...l have never found the love, happiness or any remaining children in my life..l lay in the dark just wishing l had more time as it passes so fast now.
l remember being a young girl, wishing time to speed up so l could be a grown up, but all the promises that came with it, l let slip through my fingers.

Tonight, as l laid in the black of my bedroom, the Beatles song "Yesterday" popped in my head and it was then l truly understood the words of the song..l try so hard to think positive, support my friends and maintain a healthy distance from people who hurt me, but it is me that hurts myself the most in realizing all the people l loved the most are gone. When l am alone at night thinking back to Yesterday......
 
I hear you Michelle night time is the worse isn't it.
It is too quiet and all those thoughts, memories come back and it is hard to distract oneself.
Hope you are not feeling as low this morning and able to get out in nature or among people even if it is in a mall.
Time does go by quickly it seems but you still have many days ahead of you to make your own and I hope you can do something special for you today.
 
The saying "Words always stays inside one's soul" has a lot of meaning to me. Words can never be unsaid and l think that is what haunts me the most. Thinking back to the most important relationship in my life was with my children. l forgave my ex husband in my heart for being so hateful and filling my children with such hatred towards me when l did as much as l could to make happy memories for them. There were times l was strict or angry with them but never abusive and defended them with all the power l had within me. Through those times, it was mostly the 3 of us, even after my third child died because my husband was living another life that l look back on and see but regardless, my children were the world to me. ln each of their baby books l wrote them each a letter, Thanking them for being my children, how loved they were and most importantly, it was them who gave me a reason to get up everyday after l lost my baby and kept me going.

Then years ago, things changed and they were filled with such hate towards me, it was their words and actions that haunt me to this day. Six yrs. of Therapy helped me realize how life with them has changed forever and l was no longer welcome to share their lives, most importantly, being included in my grandchildren's lives.

l do go out, live in nature, but seeing families, children and with grandchildren that is a constant reminder of what l am missing so much. l lay awake praying for a miracle that never comes and that is what hurts the most. The chance to be part of a family, being alone knowing they are out there in a world l am not welcome in...
 
The words they said were not theirs but their fathers and i too pray one day the will see the lies and the truths for themselves and come back to you.
 
l hope they will come back. Kids don't hate. They are taught to hate and l hope they remember love. l deal with it day to day. Thank You all for your support. lt means alot.
 
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