Not coping well with the anxiety

[AmZ]

Hi guys,

I'm really having a hard time with the anxiety I've been having in the last week and don't know what else I can do to get it under control. For a majority of the day, I have this relentless anxiety inside of me for most of the day, minus an hour here and there. I have butterflies in my stomach, I feel nauseous, have no appetite, keep getting lightheaded, have a headache all the time, I'm really nervy and twitchy and jump at unexpected noises, I'm on edge and paranoid and it's physically and mentally wearing me out.

I've tried to keep doing the deep breathing at least for 10 minutes in the morning and at night and during the day, but it doesn't help.

To have this almost constantly for a week has been really tough, compared to having it for a few minutes here and there in the past and getting it under control myself. I went to go to some lectures the other day and I managed to sit there for an hour or two and I had to leave a couple of hours early. I've been going for months and it's the first time this happened when I've been there.

Ugh, even now I'm sitting doing my work and I have horrible fluttering inside of me, my breathing is a little fast and my heart is beating faster and skipping/jumping sometimes. It just won't go away.

 

[Retired]

Are you able to contact your doctor to report the increased anxiety you're feeling? You may require a modification in your meds.

There's an old treatment for hyperventilation that might help when your breathing becomes rapid, which is to breathe in and out into a paper bag. It has to do with the carbon dioxide you re-breather back from the bag that stabilizes your breathing.

 

[AmZ]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the reply.

My breathing and heartbeat only goes so high and doesn't keep increasing luckily, so it isn't developing in to a full blown panic attack where I can't catch my breath. But sometimes it lasts for hours and is obviously unpleasant. By the end of, and well, all during the day I am exhausted. I'm sleeping more which you'd think would be a good thing, but I feel even more tired than usual and I'm finding it very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. It's like my body is on shut-down or something.

I am able to report to the psychiatrist but I don't know if she'll be able to see me and/or I will get the run around and/or she will probably say to just get on with it for now or take the Lorazepam again during the day. Maybe I'll just have to do that. She was adamant about being on 225mg of Effexor for another full month before looking at making possible changes.

I've been braving it out because I know that I sometimes don't have the most patience and expect too quick results, but a week of this is really taking it's toll on me. I know that my anxiety has increased because of a couple of things that have come up and I haven't had therapy this week as my therapist is abroad, so we haven't met on the regular Monday and Thursday.
I know again, that the medication doesn't take away and stop everything also, so this is why I was also trying to be sensible here and not overreact. Sometimes easier said than done.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Did you ever find out why you fainted? I remember you said a couple of things were off in your bloodwork. Have you talked to the doctor about that? I didn't know anything about those levels so I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks CD.

They never really said so much to me in the hospital and didn't have any conclusions really asides from that I went to have the blood tests in the morning and had fasted for 12 hours (even though I often do this anyway and have no problem). My blood sugar level was 81 just after I had fainted which they said wasn't low. They did an ECG and it was normal, they gave me an IV with fluids and sugar, did more blood tests and said that the results came back of (they check for very basic things). I looked at the report from the hospital and it just says "Syncope. Patient unconscious for 10 minutes. Further 30 minutes, limited talking/movement. Blood pressure 80/40."
My head was really 'off' for a few days after passing out and I kept getting dizzy and feeling faint again and unbalanced and my hearing went for a couple of seconds in the few days following passing out - But since, it's been OK. So it's been one of those things that I've thought to just put behind me and move on with.

I went to the doctors clinic the other day to sort out the paperwork for the hospital otherwise I have to pay out of my own pocket for the A&E if I don't get a letter to state that the doctor had called the ambulance and referred me. When I was there, I asked the receptionist about the blood test results and she said that the doctor receives the results online also, and if there is something wrong, then will be in touch and schedule to meet with him. That didn't happen but I'm not 100% trusting in the fact that they are so thorough with this to be honest. The two things that were slightly off, I don't know about either, but my sister said that when she had blood tests when pregnant, that the scales they use as results are based on an 18 year old or something, so even if something is slightly off of the scale, they don't look further in to it unless it's a lot off.
Don't want to be negative, but you know, not the best service and care as usual! I know that I worry too much, but they're so far the other way and blas? about things sometimes it's crazy!

 

[Cat Dancer]

It is hard to find good medical care.

Maybe the fainting was due to a weird virus or something. So you're feeling better physically?

Does exercise help the anxiety?

 

[AmZ]

Yea, maybe it was.

Well, all I know is that I've fainted 3 or 4 times before and was 'out' for a matter of seconds. This time, I came to and was already in the ambulance and I can see from the doctors report that the ambulance had taken 10 minutes to arrive! Even for an hour or so after, I was semi out of it and couldn't open my eyes or talk... Like I could hear everything most of the time but couldn't physically do anything. Anyways, all seems fine now so hopefully that was the first and last time that will happen!

As long as it's anxiety I am feeling lol, then asides from the anxiety causing me the horrible physical things, then I am physically OK yeah. I need to go back next week about the biopsy that was taken though, so not sure about that. All of these health issues and scares! Pfffft! Never in my life have I had all of these things go on with me! Such drama all the time. Guess that was bad timing to pass out and as I was leaving the hospital, getting a call from my sister to say that my mum had had a heart attack and then a couple of days later something else happening, and generally a bad week.

Things are all a bit weird though sometimes and I don't know why I feel the way I do. Maybe once or twice a week, I wake up with this racing energy inside of me, like I have the power and strength to get up and do anything. It's not an anxious feeling. That lasts for a few hours mostly, then I switch to feeling awful and very low energy. It's all just up and down from hour to hour.

I go to the gym twice a week and can't say that it helps me at all, or at least that I feel and realize, but I know it's still good for anyone, so of course do it regardless.

I eventually managed to eat solid food at 4.30pm today, but I had to sit and focus on my breathing the whole time and was constantly shaky inside.
Ech... Now just shaking my legs up and down under my desk at work, feeling restless, and actually getting ready to leave for the day and week!

BTW, long time, no see, Steve... Hope all is well with you

---------- Post added at 10:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:55 PM ----------

Ahh, now lovely and relaxed at home.

Pointless life but will enjoy my 2 hours of watching a movie, eating some fruit, drinking some hot lemon and honey and snuggle by myself under my blanket. The joys of life.
Ah, now I could cry I've just said that :crazy:. Haha.

---------- Post added at 11:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:06 PM ----------

I messed up. Guess it was that avoidance nice relaxed feeling again that turns in to something more sinister and unplanned.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Messing up is not the end. I do it all the time.

Hang in there. We all mess up.

 

[AmZ]

Thx.

For me, it depends on what I am messing up on though.
Self harm is messing up big time and I can't tell my therapist because when I did it before, she said that in order for us to carry on the therapy, it can't happen again. I know that she could have said that expecting that it would probably help me a lot by saying it (and I still think it did) but knew that there was a chance that I'd still do something.
She said that if I feel like the urge is too much, then I can call her. But she's still abroad. She gave me the number of another therapist for whilst she's away, but no way was I going to call someone I don't know at 11pm. To be honest, even if she was in the country right now, I wouldn't have called her and still would have done it. If I've already gone that far in my mind that I've gone past being able to stop the thoughts and the feeling is that intense to do it, and I want to do it, then I'll do it.
Anyway, twice in 5 months isn't overly bad. But once is too much I know.
I know that I did it in the past also as a teenager but without the understanding or thinking about what or why I was doing it.
Can only hope that the future will be different.

---------- Post added at 12:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:27 AM ----------

Feeling seriously bad.
Totally hopeless and feeling like there's no point in anything.
Went out for a couple of hours trying to take my mind off of things and get out, and all the time, I'm sinking inside deeper and deeper.
Going to my sister's in a couple of hours time and staying there until Saturday night so at least will be there but dreading coming back Saturday night and back to the beginning of another week again of this life.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think you should call the therapist on call. Please.

 

[AmZ]

I'm OK. Thank you CD.

I am leaving to go to my sister's now and will be there until tomorrow night. When I come back tomorrow night, I'll see how I feel and if I can wait until my next session on Monday. If not, then I will call the other therapist.

Take care of yourself.

A ;-)

 

[Cat Dancer]

I hope you have a good time with your niece. You're in my thoughts.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks CD. Much appreciated.

I had a nice time with my niece thank you. It never gets boring making animal noises at her whilst she laughs (she just started to laugh) and smiles back at you. Seriously beautiful baby. Without me being bias!

I'm trying to keep going. Just got home and it's 9.45.pm. Went to the gym on the way back from my sisters. Now a shower and wind down time... Hopefully not 'wind-up time'!

EDIT: I'm like a broken record. Scrap what I said.

 

[Cat Dancer]

This is totally out of the blue and maybe a stupid question, but do you think you're afraid to get close to people because of what your mom did to you?

 

[AmZ]

I think it has definitely affected me in some ways, for sure.
I ignored the feelings for a long time, but with everything coming out recently, I have come to realize that I am a lot more hurt and damaged from everything that has happened than I previously admitted to (even myself).
To feel unloved by my mother, the woman who carried me in her womb for 9 months and that brought me up for 15 years and then just simply left, is a pretty hard pill to swallow. I forgave her for what she did with having the affair with the family friend, but once she was gone, she was gone, and now I've had 10 years of confusion, desperation and rejection in this very important relationship that I really wish I had. When she left, the only other family member I had left who could fill this void was my grandmother on my Dad's side. Then she passed away (in very unpleasant circumstances) a couple of years later. My mother's family also disappeared at the time that my mum did and never got in touch with us since also. In the last couple of years, both of my grandparents (mum's parents) have passed away.

Anyway, to be frank and honest here, the relationship/social side of my life was a problem even before this. I don't know whether it was/is just my personality and how I am as a person, and not a 'problem' but there is probably more to this than I and the therapist have looked in to.
Two psychiatrists have asked me if I am avoidant, and a previous psychologist stated that it seems I am - The more this goes on. I can see it. When I was asked if I am avoidant, I said that I am not more than any other person and don't see that I am so much. MMM, think I'll change my answer on that. Since I was a kid starting school I was like this. Not self-confident, shy, quiet, didn't like social activities, had one or two friends, or none (just a few people I 'knew of'), etc.

I went for a walk yesterday and saw some groups of young people hanging out in the park together and walked past them. They were around my age and English and Americans. I honestly have no desire to be one of those people, hanging around with some close friends, chatting and socializing. It makes me cringe and I don't know why. I always feel like I am the odd one out and the different one and I am just constantly looking around assessing the world around me. I am constantly in thought of people and things around me and can never just sit there and let my mind wander off about other things. I hope this is clear what I'm trying to explain.

On the life in general-side-of-things, I simply feel like I have nothing to me - Just emptiness. In the past and now also. I look and look and look for something to do or pursue that I could or find interesting and there is nothing. I can't carry on with this life of nothingness (interests, hobbies, career, studies, etc) and then add on not wanting friends and feeling always different there, I am left with my tiny family that are off busy somewhere else (which I know is totally natural and normal).

These are a lot of deep and unspoken thoughts that I have written here.
I'm really quite upset and not feeling great and don't know where to go from here.
Everything feels so hopeless and un-doable/changeable. Having no desire for making changes in my life and changing myself is also not helping things also.

Thanks for listening.
A whole can of worms was opened there.

 

[Cat Dancer]

It seems like when we're scared to get close to people (I am too) we end up lonely. I just think (for me too) it would be so good to have friends and have people. I know it's not the solution to all our problems, but i think it would help some.

I'm just so sorry your mom is like that. I feel angry at her for doing that.

 

[AmZ]

Thx CD.

Just takes so much time and effort and I hate being one putting all of the effort and feeling like I am chasing people.

My therapist told me to use the two nights we didn't meet last week to make contact with a couple of people I know and invite them to do something and I didn't do it. It's always me who initiates contact. One of them is the woman who once invited me to her house for a meal. Then I contacted her twice in the following weeks and asked how she was and she ended up inviting me again and it was just me and her and we sat from 6pm to 1am having a meal and talking and it was really nice for both of us, I could see it was for her also. Then I contacted her again a couple of weeks later and had just asked her for someone's number I needed and asked in the SMS how she was also and she ended up asking me if I wanted to go along to a lecture there was the following night, so I went. Without sounding like I am a desperate loser, I had told her when I was there for a meal that I don't know so many people in the area so am hoping to meet more, and said so without telling her that I am unhappy and that I have all of this rubbish going on with me. Anyway, more than 3 weeks later now and not being in touch with her, I don't want to contact her again really. Then another girl that I used to study with. She said months ago about meeting up. Actually a year ago. Neither of us did anything and out of the blue she emailed me and said that she's bad and laughed about it and said that we should meet up. So I replied and told her my free days and said great. Then nothing. I followed up and nothing came of it. Then I randomly bumped in to her in the street a few weeks ago and she said it's lovely to see you, we still have to meet up etc, and I said I know... blah. Then I emailed her and she said she'd be in touch. And nothing.

I know these are only 2 cases and nobody is perfect and people have their own lives, I appreciate and respect that totally... But I am not doing the same s*** that I've been doing with my mother for years and feeling like it's a one-way relationship in which the other person doesn't really care or have such an interest and just allow you in that tiny bit and let you down and don't contact you most of the time.

I'd rather be by myself.

Anyway, was going to see my sister tomorrow for several hours and babysit for a bit so that she can get out to a gym class, but she's canceled on me, and all I feel like doing is staying in my apartment until 8pm and it's back to therapy time.

It's been a not so pleasant day. Things are really bothering and affecting me and making me emotional and anxious. I just got so anxious about something so silly (called up a customer service line to ask something about my bill and she hung up on me and I called back and they were rude)... This is just a part of life and I can't even take it. I'm sitting here and my stomach has turned and gone bad, my heart is still racing a bit and I had to close my eyes and put my head down I was feeling like I was going to pass out.

---------- Post added at 11:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:06 PM ----------

Can't control myself.. Everything is setting me off, even if it's something 'small'.

My sister called me to say that she got her husband a birthday present but it was "just" a fridge magnet with a photo of their baby on and some text... I said that it's the thought that counts and they have no money and it shouldn't have to do with how much the present cost. I just heard the disappointment in her voice and it set me off. I got off the phone and cried and feel so bad for first of all, her and her situation and life in general, and how bad I feel in trying to convince someone like this and try and make them feel better. I feel physically sick.

If only just one person could understand the way I feel inside about everything. The therapist is not even that close. I feel silly now seeing that I didn't realize or admit to the way I am and have been for years before and now feel like I can't go back on my word and now go to her and say "I think there is more to this than just feeling a bit unhappy and getting out there to meet some friends", because I am not trying to trivialize and make it seem worse than it is... But there really is more to it.

 

[Yuray]

feel like I can't go back on my word and now go to her and say "I think there is more to this than just feeling a bit unhappy and getting out there to meet some friends",

Why can't you 'go back on your word'? Go back...spill your guts. Your therapist isn't judging you, and isn't looking for someone where every sympton and emotion has to be gut wrenchingly extracted from the client by their expertise. Therapists are not mind readers, They have informations you don't have, and those are their tools. You have to show the broken parts, so they can be fixed. Allowing a therapist to believe things are not what they are isn't helpful to anyone. In a way, its like taking your car to a mechanic and telling him your heater isn't working, when the real problem is your steering isn't working right. The mechanic will do his best to work on the heater.

 

[AmZ]

My my my. Horrible and weird dreams all night, wake up with a headache and feeling nauseous and horrible. Turn on the computer and have an email from my therapist saying that she is on her way back from abroad in transit but is sick so needs to cancel therapy tonight. Not only have I gone from having a planned day with my sister and niece that was canceled last night because my sister forgot she had something on, now therapy has been canceled also... So now my day is left with nothingness and now, amidst feeling really bad anyway, now these things on top, I've got to try and find the get up and go to find something to do. I just feel awful. On top of that, I haven't had therapy for nearly a week and a half (usually twice a week) and so many things have happened since and I have been struggling every day, all the stresses and anxiety is rumbling inside of me and and I can feel myself withdrawing from things... Now I have to wait until Thursday to the hour session and somehow sum all of this up for her and try and get some help with it all. I know all she's going to have time to say is like last time when things were really bad 1. "You've been having a hard time. Do the breathing, read the coping cards, fill in the CBT thought log" and "I think you should call the psychiatrist first thing in the morning and discuss the medication right away. It should be helping you more than this".
Uch.. I'm really in a bad place and things are piling up on me.
This Wednesday is meant to be my other day off this week and filled with things to do, but I've got to go and spend hours in the hospital about the biopsy they took, so add on the fun.
I am not a happy bunny to say the least.

Why can't you 'go back on your word'? Go back...spill your guts. Your therapist isn't judging you, and isn't looking for someone where every sympton and emotion has to be gut wrenchingly extracted from the client by their expertise. Therapists are not mind readers, They have informations you don't have, and those are their tools. You have to show the broken parts, so they can be fixed. Allowing a therapist to believe things are not what they are isn't helpful to anyone. In a way, its like taking your car to a mechanic and telling him your heater isn't working, when the real problem is your steering isn't working right. The mechanic will do his best to work on the heater.

Hi Yuray - Thanks for the reply.
I agree with what you are saying but I will tell you exactly why this is one case where I'm hesitant to tell her something, as I have been with other things also, but I said them, however, they weren't really dealt with or accepted to be that true in most cases. Understandably, therapy (and specific to cases like me) are to do with challenging your thoughts and coming to realize that there are often a lot of thoughts that you have which are not true because of the OCD/depression clouding things, making things worse than they actually are, etc etc. Basically it's like when the therapist says "that is your depression talking". Well, in some cases, it is ME talking and is true!! Sometimes this can be a little frustrating. Then on the other hand, I am totally aware that I am guilty of making things worse than they actually are sometimes, but then when not, it's like this big old 'self defense talk' I have to do to try to prove that it IS true!! Does what I am saying make sense?
I only need to tell her, well, maybe, one of the things... Is something my sister said to me a month or so ago when we had an in-depth discussion about what is going on with me and how it's also been something not just happening in the last 5 months, but how we could see from when I was a 11 year old kid even, that there were issues there. She said to me "I don't want to upset you or anything, but what has happened now doesn't surprise me in all honesty. I said to dad years and years ago, so many times that I worry about you. And he never did anything about it and didn't see that things were more of a problem than they actually were". She was basically referring to me in general, not being the happiest and social of kids/teenagers. Being quiet and not telling people my feelings. Needing a more than 'normal' push to do things which then resulted in me being a couple of years in to high school and just getting on with that, coming home, watching TV with my sister or in my room doing things alone like watching my hamsters lol... They were cute though. I cared more about my pets and enjoyed them more than any after school social activity etc. I guess also, the facts alone only need be looked at in seeing that the first time I self harmed (it could have been earlier but I don't remember) was when I was 12/13 years old. Never told anyone, didn't even think to myself that something was a problem, no therapy/medication, nothing. Self harmed again a few more times at the ages of around 15, 19 and in-between probably until the present and twice in the last few months.

Anyway, this is all still really only a part of my problems that I need to try and sort out. I'm still totally lost in life and don't know what I am doing or what I want. I have no desires for anything or dreams about anything, so I have nothing to go on and am left twiddling my thumbs on a daily basis looking all around at things I could possibly do that would interest and give me a sense of fulfillment, and nothing. Even if I focus on a daily basis, I am lacking contentment in the couple of things I do and am not happy.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

!. Go back through some of your threads. Note how your first response to many suggestions has become "that won't work" or "yes, but...".

2. Happiness isn't something that just happens, or something you get from anyone else. Happiness is something you achieve. It comes from you. And in part it comes from learned optimism instead of learned pessimism.

3. When your therapist says "that's the depression talking", it means that you are engaging in distorted thinking, cognitive distortions, a symptom of depression and anxiety disorders. When you say "no that's ME talking" you are saying you believe the pessimistic distorted thoughts. That's what you have to work on.

Not only have I gone from having a planned day with my sister and niece that was canceled last night because my sister forgot she had something on, now therapy has been canceled also... So now my day is left with nothingness and now, amidst feeling really bad anyway, now these things on top, I've got to try and find the get up and go to find something to do. I just feel awful. On top of that, I haven't had therapy for nearly a week and a half (usually twice a week) and so many things have happened since and I have been struggling every day, all the stresses and anxiety is rumbling inside of me and and I can feel myself withdrawing from things...

Read and re-read that. Do you see the "poor me" there? The "it's hopeless"? "The "people keep taking things away from me"? The utter pessimism and negativity? With that kind of self-talk running through you over and over day in and day out, is it any wonder you feel depressed and anxious?

Now I have to wait until Thursday to the hour session and somehow sum all of this up for her and try and get some help with it all. I know all she's going to have time to say is like last time when things were really bad 1. "You've been having a hard time. Do the breathing, read the coping cards, fill in the CBT thought log" and "I think you should call the psychiatrist first thing in the morning and discuss the medication right away. It should be helping you more than this".

So now you're a mind reader. You already know what she's going to say and you've already made up your mind that it won't help.

You are a walking description of pessimistic distorted thinking. If your therapist seems repetitive, it's because your cognitive distortions are repetitive: If you keep showing her the same symptoms, why would you expect her to suddenly say, "You're right. Stop working on CBT. Just give into the negative pessimistic hopeless self-talk."?