Not coping well with the anxiety

[AmZ]

!. Go back through some of your threads. Note how your first response to many suggestions has become "that won't work" or "yes, but...".

I'll look back again but I don't remember replying to such suggestions that were do-able and disregarding them.

2. Happiness isn't something that just happens, or something you get from anyone else. Happiness is something you achieve. It comes from you. And in part it comes from learned optimism instead of learned pessimism.

Well aware of that. That's why I am not taking my dad and sister's advice in which all they are suggesting for me to do is get married and it will solve everything. Because I know it's not a solution at all. I want to be happy with me and happy with my own life. I only need to look at my sister to see that she was the same as me and got married and had a baby, so went this route, and has now came to the realization that it didn't solve much for her at all and she is still unhappy and unfulfilled.
Been trying to learn how to be happy also for many a year, still looking for that. Tried to make changes, move places, get a new job, take a course in this, go and do that, join the gym, fill my days with things, etc. Either I have simply not found what it/the things are or my mind is disillusioned to what happiness is and I should have been happy all along.

3. When your therapist says "that's the depression talking", it means that you are engaging in distorted thinking, cognitive distortions, a symptom of depression and anxiety disorders. When you say "no that's ME talking" you are saying you believe the pessimistic distorted thoughts. That's what you have to work on.

Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my post. I was referring to things that are 100% true, with no distorted thinking involved, but because I have distorted thinking in other things, everything is classed as this... When that's not always the case. I don't deny that I have distorted thinking but on the other hand, not everything in my mind and thought process is messed up and false!

I don't want to sound like I'm being argumentative with you, but I find your post to be pretty black and white to be honest. You make everything sound easy and like there shouldn't be such discussions and questions involved in things, no ifs, buts and whats. I admit, maybe I go too far in my way, but the other way is not correct also. I know you are just trying to help me and be straight up and honest with me, but why the total seemingly disagreements with me and not understanding my side also? There is really nothing to be understood from my side and I'm wrong 99% of the time?

Read and re-read that. Do you see the "poor me" there? The "it's hopeless"? "The "people keep taking things away from me"? The utter pessimism and negativity? With that kind of self-talk running through you over and over day in and day out, is it any wonder you feel depressed and anxious?

First of all, people don't normally 'take things away from me' - Not that I was even trying to make it sound like that. I am fine with my sister canceling me, she never cancels on me and it's just bad timing, but I have no qualms with her. And the therapist, again, she is sick so I don't have unrealistic expectations and think that she shouldn't cancel. I'm not angry with her or something. I was maybe just a bit disappointed (if I am allowed to be?), not disappointed IN my sister and therapist.
Second of all, I'm not trying to sound like some sad poor case and that I'm such an unfortunate human being. I can't seem to strike the balance either way. I either play things down and say that I shouldn't feel bad because other people go through far worse things in life than I have done and have it far tougher and am then told to not compare myself to others and that it is difficult. Then on the other side, I talk like 'little poor me' and really, it's not that bad and blow everything out of proportion?

So now you're a mind reader. You already know what she's going to say and you've already made up your mind that it won't help.

Not a mind reader, unfortunately.
Admittedly, I know that in just by speaking with her about what has been going on will help me a bit, so I semi-take this back. I know that it's not all down to what she's going to recommend. But I guess it goes back to the fact that she can only do so much and unfortunately, I'm not being much of a help to myself in this it seems.

Anyway. The fight is difficult enough without trying to defend myself, admit and acknowledge some things, but still come out being more frustrated after. You're right.

is it any wonder you feel depressed and anxious?

Nope. So now what? I know. Just carry on with therapy, medication and life and don't give up.

 

[Yuray]

but I find your post to be pretty black and white to be honest.

Sometimes 'black and white' is called for to focus on contradictions and /or, misunderstandings.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I am hesitant to share this with you because I don't want to be discouraging, but i started therapy in June of 2006 and I am JUST NOW starting to understand the concepts that Dr. Baxter is talking about. Negativity and hoplessness was SO ingrained in me that i couldn't see past it without a lot of help. I know my therapist has been, at times, frustrated with how slow I am, but he also says "it takes as long as it takes." Or something like that.

CBT is hard, very hard, but it is worth it when you start catching yourself talking back to the negative thoughts and seeing how much power you have over them. and I know there is way more to your pain than just thoughts, but what I had to do was learn good coping skills before I could tackle the pain of the past and the pain of even the NOW. If that makes any sense.

Just don't give up and don't be hard on yourself.

 

[AmZ]

Sometimes 'black and white' is called for to focus on contradictions and /or, misunderstandings.

I hear you.
I'm just very confused all of the time and am questioning myself as to what thought is black, white, gray or purple. It gets mentally and physically frustrating and sometimes I'd like for things to be black and white and simple like that, rather than all of this over analyzing and constant 2 sided chatter in my head. It's my own mind and most of the time I can't even rely or trust my own thoughts so I feel a lack of control and sanity to be honest. Hoping that this will get better over time

I am hesitant to share this with you because I don't want to be discouraging, but i started therapy in June of 2006 and I am JUST NOW starting to understand the concepts that Dr. Baxter is talking about.

You can say it like it is. It's fine CD.
I can't afford a few years of therapy and even now it's a lot of money for me to be spending from my savings on a weekly basis. But I know that I have no choice in it and that it can only be a positive thing for me eventually. I'll just have to find the money or work it out somehow.
Congrats to getting to that stage of understanding

Just don't give up and don't be hard on yourself.

Trying. TY.
I'm really working on not being too hard on myself, because I know I am and it makes things worse. But I am aware to not go too far the other way and for me not push myself enough.

Balance in all respects is certainly not my fort? right now!

Well, I wasn't too hard on myself today and just relaxed in my apartment doing some things until 5pm and went to the gym, and just got back. Unfortunately, I have to say that my day was quite nice - What can I say!? I enjoy being by myself to be honest. BUT, I am aware that obviously too much of this is where it all goes wrong and that all human beings need social interaction. I'm already thinking about the weekend and that I will be at home and not at my sisters. Wondering what I should do because it's not good for me to be in my apartment by myself, but on the other hand, I have nowhere to really go asides from a couple of hours on Friday and Saturday to be around people and it's not enough. This is where I know I end up thinking that I'll just stay in and read a book as it's the easiest thing to do and doesn't require any effort physically or mentally. Then I'll most likely end up regretting doing that and sleep for most of the weekend and then feel worse for it. Mmm...

Haha, I have a new neighbor moving in next door to me. He is a young American guy, around my age. The estate agent saw me down the street just now and said that he will definitely be my future husband... oh boy... These people are driving me mad!

---------- Post added November 16th, 2010 at 02:27 PM ---------- Previous post was November 15th, 2010 at 06:51 PM ----------

Had some weird 'freak out' today that I've never had before.

I was in the bus station waiting for my bus to go to work and there were about 7 other people there, kind of in a circle because there was seating and a standing area also where you could perch on a metal railing. Anyway, I stood there for a minute or two and just totally freaked out. Because of where everyone was sitting/standing, you could all see each other but everyone was looking forward to where the bus was going to arrive and not looking at each other. When I'd walked along and stood there I started to feel nauseous and tried to calm myself down but my eyes were darting everywhere, my head was buzzing and I couldn't calm myself down. I guess writing it now, it sounds like I had a panic attack of sorts. I just felt like I needed to run away and put my hands over my face and not look at anyone. Really weird experience. I've never gotten like this around people before, whether they be strangers or not, even though I feel like I am always looking at everything around me a lot more than other people are, I still look 'normal' like everyone else.

 

[rdw]

One of the most important parts of therapy was learning to recognize that the random thoughts that float into one's mind are just thoughts and often mean nothing. Too much focus and attention on these distorted negative thoughts and the belief that they were true made me afraid, anxious and increasingly depressed. Medication, counselling, and working through my program helped me to restore balance to my life. I did not always like my therapist - I often thought she was wrong, that she didn't understand me or my problems etc. I did not want to believe what she was saying as my thoughts were telling me something different. Unt il I learned to work the program, I struggled against all of it - "the yeah buts".
I learned to find happiness within me - not through someone else, through spending money or through frantic activites. I did everything at a double time pace. My life is not perfect - far from it but I have found peace and enjoyment by living in the moment and finding happiness within me. For the first time in my life I am relaxed and no longer have a knot in my stomach.
From what I read you are experiencing a similar pattern to what I experienced. Please hang in there with your therapist and let her help you through this process.
I read you are struggling with your thoughts and resisiting your therapist

 

[AmZ]

Thanks for your reply RDW. Much appreciated.

I am trying to let these negative thoughts come in and pass out of my mind. I've been somewhat successful with this and have resisted them and managed to get myself up for example and go out to the gym when I'm having thoughts of thinking that 100% I am totally not going. There are some thoughts though, that are harder to accept and not question which I'm finding hard. The biggest one and main one which is causing me a block is the thoughts of hopelessness in life and that therefore there is no point in trying any more, because I've been trying for so many years already. At this point, I haven't been able to get past this and think that it's actually not true. To me, now, it's a thought that is not a distortion of the truth and is therefore true. In saying this, I know that I am still going out and doing things and thankfully, there have only been a small number of days that I have stayed in my apartment and 'given up' for the day. So, I hope that I can at least continue like this and that eventually, I will find myself happier because the things I am doing and therefore that thought will go.

I'm very happy for you that you have worked so hard in now getting that knot untied from your stomach and taking life as it comes on a daily basis. Congratulations I can imagine that it's not 'all good' and that things are still tough, but you seem to be in a good place pretty much. Oh, and I'm going for another biopsy tomorrow...!! Yeyeyeyeyeyey.

I read you are struggling with your thoughts and resisiting your therapist

No. I think that you perhaps are referring to a post by Dr Baxter in which he suggested that I was not using the advice I was getting here on the forum.

Concerning what happened to me this morning... What am I meant to do/take from this, if anything? Just that it was a small panic attack that could have happened at any point etc?
I am aware that I have been a bit 'funny' around people (and not in the humorous way) the last few days, now I look back on it but don't really know what brought that about or why really.

---------- Post added at 08:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:13 PM ----------

Nothing to take from it
I know. Probably best not to analyze it.

Just trying to keep myself calm... I know that there are some things that have caused me to be more anxious in the last week or so, but my anxiety has been so high every day and still seems to be getting a little worse on and off. I've had an hour here and there with no anxiety and the rest of the time, my heart is doing like a double beat every time and fluttering and my breathing gets 'tight'. I've been just getting on with it most of the time and not even paying it any attention and I've managed to control/stop it in the past by going out for a walk if I'm at work or taking time out but it's only stopped it a couple of times in the last several days and most of the time it's continuing for literally hours on end.

Anyway, at least the 1 1/2 week headache has now shown itself as to why it's been there and my hearing and balance has been off. My glands in my throat have come up in my throat and back of my mouth today like crazy and I basically have a head cold, so it was my sinuses causing the problems I think... Along with the increased anxiety no doubt. So it's time for a honey and lemon drink, Sinufed, dose up on vitamin C and a hot shower.

In other news of which I am trying to find positivity in (I'm sorry!)... My sister officially has postpartum depression (I wondered why her phone was off all day and just found out) and is moving cities in the next week or two. Err err err.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Sorry you're sick. I hope you get well soon.

It does sound like a panic attack probably made worse by the sickness coming on.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks CD.

Been doing all I can to get rid of the head cold. I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things so whatever! Am looking forward to the headache going though. I have some good decongestant medication which is definitely helping a lot.

Got the all clear about all of that biopsy thing today.. Sigh of relief. Can now put that behind me.

Me and Mr Anxiety have been having some more issues.
I've been feeling OK when I am in my apartment but when I am out and around people, I've never had it before, but the last few days, I have almost constant anxiety (depending on the situation). Like on the bus the other day, everyone around me were on their cell phones and all I wanted was a bit of quiet and it was really getting to me. I tried for a while to just listen to some music and relax, and didn't manage to control it. I had to get up and go and sit on the steps of the bus by the door and get away from it.
Then, other things. I don't even think to myself that there is a reason to start to get anxious, there isn't a reason. But just standing in a queue in a shop with a lot of people around and pushing and my heart starts to race. I haven't ran away from the situations in a majority of cases and have rode it out, but can't say that it's overly pleasant.

Anyway, I'm trying the best I can to keep it under control and not let it affect me too much. I unfortunately haven't done any social things like the lectures I go to etc in a week now and quite honestly, I know it's not a good thought to have, but I feel like I don't want to. Partly, because of just negative thinking that it's a waste of time (but I often think that and always normally go) and also now because of the increased anxiety.

But enough from me. I (believe it or not!) have something else going on which is the most ridiculous thing and situation to be in which is causing a lot of this extra anxiety. I will get this 'over and done with' by mid-next week so I really hope that once that is done and off of my mind, that I can get back to focusing on things.

---------- Post added November 18th, 2010 at 11:22 AM ---------- Previous post was November 17th, 2010 at 11:27 PM ----------

I'm feeling nice and relaxed today... so hah!
I got ya. In your face!
OK, enough messing around.
I'm not being sarcastic also.
It's true.

I am not even going to go there and say 'there isn't a reason to feel good', 'I have been avoiding doing this and that and it's not good' blah blah...

Having a relaxed day is good enough for me and just want it to continue like this for now, no questions asked.

Therapy tonight... Haha. My time to release it all and get some perspective on liiiiiife.

Good day all

---------- Post added at 03:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:22 AM ----------

OK... Sorry sorry sorry. I'm still in an OK kinda mood, so I haven't done a total switch on you guys... A little obsessional thinking is going on in my mind and I know that it's one of those blown out of proportion kind of things, but the elements of truth in it are still irritating me.

I keep thinking about therapy tonight and that I'm an idiot that can't handle life matters and need to go and talk to someone about it who is a mere (around) 5 years older than me. I feel like I'm going to walk in there and not tell her anything that's been going on because I feel so silly. People have these things going on each day in their lives and there is me, all pent up and anxious, shaking inside and all the rest of it. I still feel so dumb (I can't think of a better word to use, sorry) going in there and telling her these things. Maybe it's still embarrassment also.
Anyway, I know it's nonsensical when I go back and read what I wrote, because I've been 'closed' like this and never got advice or support all of my life about life, and look where it brought me to now... But I can't help but still feel like I am somehow moaning and crying over nothing and feel pathetic. Again, I go over in my mind, breaking that first rule of therapy which is to not compare yourself and situation to others. Then I'm thinking how people go through much worse and how can I not deal with life and just enjoy it. But then I think that there is nothing to enjoy so much and what is the point of it all... Watching people go and do their 9-5 jobs in order to pay the bills and mortgage. Go home, eat dinner. Watch TV. Have a shower, go to bed, wake up the next day and do the same thing again, and it goes on and on. I know that that statement is very black and white and that is not a life that everyone leads and that I certainly don't want to lead, and that I can make my own life different... But I've been thinking since I was 15 that I wanted something else and haven't found what I wanted to do or what really interests me. So ech, then I just come back to nothingness and a week of avoiding doing anything asides from the gym, work and seeing my sister a couple of times. Now I'm going to go to therapy tonight and she's going to ask what I have been doing and I'll tell her 'in all honesty...' and she'll say to go back to the things... Then next week is another week of going back to it and me really trying to just do it and enjoy the things for what they are... But they don't really fulfill me so much at all.

Sorry for the rant.