Not enough of a reason for feeling the way I do

[David Baxter PhD]

Why not open it as a topic and let the therapist help you untangle it?

 

[gooblax]

I dunno, I've never done that before and can't imagine how it would work. I'll probably just fall into the "I dunno" trap if he asks something I haven't already considered. But I don't think there is anything that I haven't considered with this so I don't think he can help untangle it, given that he already doesn't think that it makes enough sense.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You may be underestimating him. That's what therapists are trained to do.

 

[gooblax]

:dontknow::yikes::thinking: Maybe. But my written out stuff is currently a page long and still isn't a good enough reason. Before trying to discuss it I need it to either contain a better reason, or more concisely lead to the conclusion that there is no reason, or at the very least I need to not get emotional about there not being a reason.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, I like vague poetry that makes things even more confusing in a way but in some ways more emotionally clear

 

[gooblax]

I think I've narrowed it down.
The result makes me think I should cancel the session.

 

[gooblax]

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why do you say that @gooblax?

 

[gooblax]

I should cancel the session because I'm just a weak pathetic loser. But if I cancel the session then I'll just slide right back into being miserable about it like I was before booking the session, even though it's the correct way to deal with being a weak pathetic loser. And feeling miserable about the correct treatment of a weak pathetic loser is more evidence of being a weak pathetic loser.

If I don't cancel then I have to tolerate my thoughts about being a weak pathetic loser, not only up until the session but then again when I explain the situation, and by doing so - when the correct thing to do is to cancel the session - it only enhances the degree to which I am a weak pathetic loser.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I should cancel the session because I'm just a weak pathetic loser.

No. You're not weak. You're not pathetic. You're now a loser. Those are just repetitive intrusive denigrating thoughts. They are not reality.

But if I cancel the session then I'll just slide right back into being miserable about it like I was before booking the session, even though it's the correct way to deal with being a weak pathetic loser.

No, it's not. The correct way to deal with them is to seek therapy to find better ways to ignore them and counter them.

And feeling miserable about the correct treatment of a weak pathetic loser is more evidence of being a weak pathetic loser.

No. It's more evidence that you need to continue your therapy sessions.

If I don't cancel then I have to tolerate my thoughts about being a weak pathetic loser, not only up until the session but then again when I explain the situation, and by doing so - when the correct thing to do is to cancel the session - it only enhances the degree to which I am a weak pathetic loser.

This is a clear example of circular distorted reasoning. Completely false.

I will never try to diagnose you or anyone else on this forum but do you think you may have some OCD traits or tendencies? This sounds very much like the way thoughts torment people with OCD every day and multiple times a day. Whether or not you meet the criteria for OCD, you might find some of the threads in the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder :: OCD section helpful or enlightening.

Don't cancel your appointment.

 

[Daniel E.]

RE: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't." (similar to my pet phrase "can't win for losing")

Therapy has been quite triggering for me in the past, as well as having obsessive thoughts about the therapy itself. But it does help in the long term.

 

[Daniel E.]

Whether or not you meet the criteria for OCD, you might find some of the threads in the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder :: OCD section helpful or enlightening.

Indeed, the OCD expert Jeffrey Schwartz wrote a self-help book that applies to most people (after he wrote Brain Lock):

You Are Not Your Brain - Amazon.com

A leading neuroplasticity researcher and the coauthor of the groundbreaking books Brain Lock and The Mind and the Brain, Jeffrey M. Schwartz has spent his career studying the structure and neuronal firing patterns of the human brain. He pioneered the first mindfulness-based treatment program for people suffering from OCD, teaching patients how to achieve long-term relief from their compulsions.

For the past six years, Schwartz has worked with psychiatrist Rebecca Gladding to refine a program that successfully explains how the brain works and why we often feel besieged by bad brain wiring. Just like with the compulsions of OCD patients, they discovered that bad habits, social anxieties, self-deprecating thoughts, and compulsive overindulgence are all rooted in overactive brain circuits. The key to making life changes that you want--to make your brain work for you--is to consciously choose to "starve" these circuits of focused attention, thereby decreasing their influence and strength.

 

[gooblax]

Thanks David and Daniel.
I have a reason behind why it isn't false but that's probably not useful to get into here. I'm not going to cancel but I'll need to basically start from scratch deciding what to talk about in the session. Maybe just leave it til the day.

I wouldn't categorise my stuff as being particularly OCD-like based on my limited knowledge, but I'll take a look in the subforum.

 

[Daniel E.]

, but I'll take a look in the subforum.

Be sure to pay close attention to Canadian Adjustment Disorder (CAD), an epidemic among non-Canadians who have spent any significant time on Canadian forums

 

[gooblax]

Be sure to pay close attention to Canadian Adjustment Disorder (CAD), an epidemic among non-Canadians who have spent any significant time on Canadian forums

That would explain my attempts to make poutune with sub par ingredients.

 

[gooblax]

I've got my session this afternoon. I've probably been through all the options of how this session might play out, from saying nothing useful and my therapist just talking the whole time, to talking about something completely different, to trying to talk about the stuff and the various ways that might happen.
Kind of feeling like a crazy person

 

[gooblax]

The session ended up going quite well after all that.
I found an option of talking about the weak/pathetic/loser thoughts without getting emotional about it - skimming the top rather than taking a drink from the 'cursed font of unacceptable feelings'. And then also talked about some other stuff. Didn't try to go into any of the convoluted reason stuff which is OK for now although it's still going to be on my mind.
He's given me some ideas for challenging the weak/pathetic/loser thoughts, including a way I might be able to dodge them when it's time to book the next session.
He'll be away for a few weeks now, so hopefully I can avoid re-tangling myself for a little while at least.

 

[Jesse910]

Gooblax,I do not think anyone is "weak pathetic loser" including you. I understand skirting the surface with your therapist. I do it more times than I care to admit. And, just because it'#s hard to talk about does not mean that it is not important. As people, we are complicated. I'm not going to tell you to take a chance if you are not ready. Writing down your thoughts is good. It gives you a point of reference when you are ready to talk.

 

[gooblax]

Thanks Jesse. I'm sure I'll get to it in time. Yesterday was a long way from 10yrs ago when I'd sit there with him just saying things from a list of "um, I dunno, not really, I guess" and barely anything else. I'd be interested in seeing what an in-person session would be like now (I'm doing these ones over video due to location) but at the moment it's helpful that I'm hidden from the shoulders down so I don't have to think about what it looks like when my legs/arms sometimes start shaking.