Not getting any easier!!

[Lonewolf]

It's a year ago since my best friend past away and it hurts so much still, I've not been holding it together in the last few weeks, just keep crying! I feel such an idiot cause i can be walking in town, get a jult from a memory and burst into tears, uncontrollabley!! I don't know what to do with myself! It embarrasses me and also makes me feel so vulnerable!

Shortly after he passed, i attended CRUISE bereavement therapy, but the therapist were concerned about my mental health and asked if they could speak with my CPN, which didn't happen! I have been discharged from the mental health services apparently because i wasn't engaging in my care (problems engaging with people is an aspect of my mental health issues) so i have been left hanging as far as the bereavement therapy goes!!

I wish I was with my best friend now, i feel as if he was the only one in the world that understood me and accepted me for who and what i am! No one before i knew him and no one now!

Its so painful, this life dispises me and i feel as if everyone is against me, pushing me down, testing me to see how much crap i can take before i give in to the pressure! I don't think they want me to die cos that wouldn't be much fun for them any more!! Im a toy for them, so they want me to be around for their entertainment! I don't believe its just the services, i think its my family too!

paranoia, i don't think so!! Everyone can see im down so they are putting the boot in while im on my knees!! Im not strong and they know it!!

Sorry, i am angry, but im also very hurt and upset and very, very alone now!!! I don't know how much longer i can go before everything falls apart for me, im losing grip on life! I am petrified of becoming homeless, ill and forgotten, id much rather be with my friend!! I know i would be safe!!

I need a hug from him, maybe just a smile!! Please don't leave me!! please! I give in, il do anything,please don't leave me by myself, its so scarey!! Im sorry, i'm so sorry, i apologise for everything ive ever done wrong, but please don't leave me on my own in the darkness! please!!

 

[Retired]

i feel as if he was the only one in the world that understood me and accepted me for who and what i am! No one before i knew him and no one now!

Would you elaborate on why you feel people have difficulty accepting you for who you are? What is it about you that makes it difficult for people to appreciate the real you? Is there some kind of impediment or a behaviour that you think is the cause?

 

[Lonewolf]

In answer to your question lol, i have lost many friends because i look like a bloke and they are too embarrassed to be seen with me! One or two of them have actually been beaten because people thought that they were strange or gay to be hanging around with me! (especially when i was thought to be a man aswell! It was assumed we were 'together', sometimes when im out with female friends, people think there is something going on between us and judge us on that. Names, comments and threats on a constant basis. i struggle with this all the time for most of my life ,but my best mate didn't care what other people thought about him or me! My family have never accepted my sexuality and i have battled with them for years over it!! I have some acquaintances that tell me that im obviously homosexual, but then that doesn't help because i know that even though there is laws against descrimination, it is still very strongly felt and shown by members of the public!! This makes me feel very vulnerable when im out and about! Then again some people have asked me to confirm or deny my true preferences! Even when i had a support worker, they told me i was totally obvious! My parents strongly believe i just haven't met the right man yet!! So confusion everywhere!
Anyway my best mate didn't care about my sexuality or the fact that some people had very strong negative opinions about who or what i am!
He made me feel safe in being myself! Now he's gone and i am left to battle on my own!

Im truely sorry if i have upset anyone with this statement, i hope no one feels awkward talking to me because of who and what i am! Im still who i was before revealing my true self! I totally get it if some people do, infact i expect it! I wish i could change, but i can't, but i can hide if that is what i have to do!

I think that once you have read this, you will understand a lot more!! mg:

 

[MHealthJo]

Hey hun... please be assured we're still here for you.

It sounds like it could be a very good thing for you to find a support group of some kind.... whether that be for mental illness, a health advocacy group of some sort, a gender orientation support group (if those feelings do apply to you),or some kind of community association... Maybe even talk to your local citizens advice bureau? They can be excellent for directing you to services etc....

It's definitely no good to feel alone, and finding groups with people you can relate to in some way is an excellent help. In time, as you continue treatment and feel more able to, you can also take the step of making new friends.

What is happening with your treatment and mental health support Reeper? Did your doctor provide you assistance getting back with the support worker program you used to have?

The citizens advice bureau may be able to help you find who can advocate for you, too... xx

 

[Lonewolf]

I see my GP once a fortnight now because i have lost the support from the mental health service, (which i feel is unjustified) and its very early in my dischargement to try to regain some of their support!!
I also used to attended a gay/lesbian group, but it was temperery and was aimed at teenagers discovering who and what they were! So it became inappropriate for me to keep going to it! I know of a couple of groups and clubs but im not secure enough to face them!! I am not able to find a gay/lesbian support website that im comfortable with as yet! I have a couple of friends i met at the support group, but they are very young and have managed to make a life for themselves! I think i might be considered too old to need support to discover myself!!
Thats why i treasured my friend so dearly, he was there, no matter what!mg:

 

[MHealthJo]

I think it is very important not to disregard ourselves from a group or an opportunity, before others have even had a chance to yet......

It can seem safer that way somehow, due to not wanting to go through being rejected. But it actually leaves us with just the
situation that we are afraid of - being alone.

Also, support groups are purposely set up to be very friendly and accepting... and honey just think, SO many gay/lesbian/transgender people come out much later in life. If you keep trying with these groups it is just a matter of time before you meet more mature aged people who will try hard to be caring and will want to get support, just like you.

Its so hard to lose a great support and friend that we previously had. But other ones are out there, wishing and wishing that a new friend would come into their life..... and they have no idea where to find you.

Please be sure that your doctor knows the degree of fear that you have about getting support and making connections, and be sure that they know how much you need support from the system. So sorry you are having to wait to get the support back.....xx

 

[Lonewolf]

That's the point lol, im not getting the support back!! Its you guys and my GP now!!

Im petrified of being descriminated against and victimised because of my preferences! I have been attacked on two seperate occassions because of 'being different'! This is why im struggling!! Yes i find being rejected difficult, but i am so frightend of being attacked for being 'me'!!

My best mate accepted me and treated me with love and respect, that doesn't happen very often! mg:

 

[MHealthJo]

Oh you mean you have been a victim of physical attacks?

Whether physical or verbal, I really feel you would be safe from this in a support group and could get more support and understanding about the times when it has happened..... In terms of discrimination in health care, this is against the law and a group could help you know your options if you feel this has happened to you...

So there is no chance of getting your social worker back in the forseeable future? And no possibility for referral to any other mental health service your doctor could find for you?

 

[Lonewolf]

I have been sexually attacked a couple of times by men who think they could change me, lol!! It's still very hard for me to talk about!! (so i try not to!)

My GP feels that there isn't really anything she can do about me accessing other services at this moment in time, so im very reliant on her and these supportive forums!! Unsurpringly, i have deep trust issues so its not as simple as looking up helpline numbers to call!! I can't just appear at a support group cos it feels so intimidating to me!!

I know it seems as if im putting up barriers at every idea of getting help! I think its because everyone in my life i trust, leaves me! (not including my friend as he had no choice in it), i learn that there is always someone out there for me and then, out of the blue, they leave me! (usually after they've ripped my heart open and bounced it round the walls a few times) mg:

---------- Post Merged at 05:35 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:15 PM ----------

im sorry i feel very awkward right now because of what i've discussed today! Is it still ok for me to continue using the forum? It be might be me feeling a little embarrassed and nervous, but i need a little reassurance (or not!)

 

[forgetmenot]

Hun no one is going to judge you here and yes hun you can still post reach out for support here I am sorry you are feeling so fragile right now but we are here to help not to harm you hugs

 

[David Baxter PhD]

im sorry i feel very awkward right now because of what i've discussed today! Is it still ok for me to continue using the forum? It be might be me feeling a little embarrassed and nervous, but i need a little reassurance (or not!)

Yes of course it's okay. Absolutely.

 

[MHealthJo]

Of course hun, please don't ever worry about that. We know how important good treatment and real-life support can be so we always encourage that too; and we may worry a bit when someone needs it and does not have it yet. But there can be barriers to that. And it never means that you should not use support here to the fullest.

Please post if you ever just need a hug or anything too. xx

So sorry for those bad experiences you have had. Your experiences do make trust very, very hard.

But slowly, slowly, I think you will make it to more trust and more confidence..... building just little by little, when you are ready...... xx

Please chat some more about anything you want to.

 

[Lonewolf]

I don't know what to write or where to write it! So im sorry if this is in the wrong place! Im just feeling very, very uptight and tearful! I don't know how to calm myself down right now! Feeling so full of pain and anguish!

Just spent the last 5 days with my family, watching my parents becoming old and frail, by myself! Being so angry about having to pretend i like 'Him' and care for 'Him' when i really would like to hurt 'him'!

I have been thinking about mortality, my best friend, my parents!! I'm feeling very low!! very negative!! I know i will be completely alone, very soon!!

I wish i never said anything about what 'He' did to me so that i could have spent more time with my parents, 'he' stole that from me and it's too late now! I missed 10 years of being with them, missed my grandparents growing old, missed the funerals because of the hostility, so i never got to say sorry and goodbye to them! I deeply regret that!!

I have been so angry with my family for rejecting me when i needed them the most, now im just so regretful of the times ive missed!!
All of this on top of me still feeling angry with them all for not believing me and for disowning me to deal with it all on my own, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel now! I'm so confused! What happened when i was a teenager? I will never be able to forgive or forget, which just adds to my confusion!!
I'm sorry if this a bit all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling! What on earth is happening to me? :helpme:

 

[GDPR]

Sorry you're feeling so crappy.

I understand all the mixed feelings you're having. All the conflicting emotions can make a person feel crazy.

Sorry,I don't really know how to express what I'm trying to say right now,but I do understand how you're feeling.

 

[MHealthJo]

It is a terribly confusing and difficult situation. So sorry hun.

Glad you have been able to express your feelings. Keep it up. I think that will do you good, in time.

Wish there was something more I could do. But really glad I can be here for you and just listen. xx

Hugs xx

 

[Lonewolf]

I have been in a deep, dark, daze all day today! I feel very disconnected from everyone! It's like im watching them on the tv. My head is full of thoughts and feelings, but it feels as if they don't belong to me!
(I don't like to admit this-i don't feel very well to be honest) if there is anybody out there that can help me try to 'ground' myself again? :hororr:

 

[forgetmenot]

Hun is there someone you can call just to talk to them sometimes hearing a real voice helps to ground me. Are you taking care of yourself hun eating properly if not you may be feeling weak thus feeling spacey from lack of nourishment Do something kind for YOU ok something that will break that fog abit hugs

 

[Lonewolf]

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! (I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN LET IT OUT) Sorry!:distant:

 

[MHealthJo]

A good, long AAAAAAARRGHHH... that's what you've gotta do to let something out sometimes. And you're right... sometimes that's exactly the right word to express it......

xx

 

[forgetmenot]

no need to be sorry hun you do what it takes to let go of some of that frustration that confusion that pain hugs