Well Christmas was a little different this year. I am glad that we did not have to be near my family. But I felt in a spot to have to eat. We went out on Christmas eve for a special meal with the kids. I had a hard time eating but did. I felt uncomfortable during our meal and was in so much pain afterwards. I wanted to run to the washroom to "feel better", but I couldn't.
I had a bad day yesterday as well. I don't know what was wrong but I was craving sour foods so bad I could not resist. I ate pickles and drank the juice. But it did not help. I kept eating and this is not like me at all. I was again in a tremendous amount of pain. I locked myself away in the washroom for sometime, then felt better. But I could not even look anyone in the face I felt so ashamed. This holiday was a huge struggle. I gained 4 pounds and now I am freaking out. I had planned on lossing at least 25lbs while my doctor was away, but I gained some back.
My due date is just days away. I had planned to try and find a place where I would be safe for this day. Now I am pending this freak out mode over this weight gain. I can't eat for 2 weeks, I just can't. After my episode last night with the food I am afraid to do this again. I would rather not eat and get caught up with the circle of purging.
I know in my mind how aweful it is to actually think that I am free and clear with my doctor away. That I can get away with limiting my intake without someone at my heels. Then on the other hand I think that I could die if I attempt to be at the weight I sooo want to be. One of my doctors asked what this weight goal was. It did not go over to well. But when I read about ED's and the fact that people do this for years or for a life time and they survived--well why can't I then? Why can't I continue and feel like I have some kind of control, some kind of accomplishment in my life. If they can get away with it then why can't I?
When my bf asked me what's going on in my head and I tell him--I shock the hell out of him. He said everything that he has read and what he see's me do day after day--I am the same people in these books. I can read them and only see that they accomplished what they wanted to. I don't see what he see's with the medical aspects. So why is it that we can read the same book yet we get a different perspecitive of the contents of these books? (does that make sense)?? He always says that I talk like a person that has an ED. I think I sound like me-being what makes sense in my mind yet does not to him.
This weight gain, my due date, and sooo many other things are hitting so hard I feel lost. Even though I exsist in an adults body I feel like this lost child that wants to hide away. Part of me wants to die, and part of me does not. What scares me is the unknown of which one is going to win. I know I am the one who decides this in the end but right now nothing seems real. The consequences of this ED make me feel happy at times. I can die with something.......... not sure how to explain this. Yet I take so many others with--leave the ones behind that don't deserve this. Why do I feel happy about the thoughts of dying from the ED? Someone told me that they thought that this ED is my way of killing myself but won't admit it to anyone. Well I am admitting it now. Sorry for venting this but everyone tells me to be honest, well this is what I think. And as much as this can anger someone, its what I think. I could lie and say I am fine, that I can eat, drink, be happy, and not feel like dying. But its not true.
Haunting.
I had a bad day yesterday as well. I don't know what was wrong but I was craving sour foods so bad I could not resist. I ate pickles and drank the juice. But it did not help. I kept eating and this is not like me at all. I was again in a tremendous amount of pain. I locked myself away in the washroom for sometime, then felt better. But I could not even look anyone in the face I felt so ashamed. This holiday was a huge struggle. I gained 4 pounds and now I am freaking out. I had planned on lossing at least 25lbs while my doctor was away, but I gained some back.
My due date is just days away. I had planned to try and find a place where I would be safe for this day. Now I am pending this freak out mode over this weight gain. I can't eat for 2 weeks, I just can't. After my episode last night with the food I am afraid to do this again. I would rather not eat and get caught up with the circle of purging.
I know in my mind how aweful it is to actually think that I am free and clear with my doctor away. That I can get away with limiting my intake without someone at my heels. Then on the other hand I think that I could die if I attempt to be at the weight I sooo want to be. One of my doctors asked what this weight goal was. It did not go over to well. But when I read about ED's and the fact that people do this for years or for a life time and they survived--well why can't I then? Why can't I continue and feel like I have some kind of control, some kind of accomplishment in my life. If they can get away with it then why can't I?
When my bf asked me what's going on in my head and I tell him--I shock the hell out of him. He said everything that he has read and what he see's me do day after day--I am the same people in these books. I can read them and only see that they accomplished what they wanted to. I don't see what he see's with the medical aspects. So why is it that we can read the same book yet we get a different perspecitive of the contents of these books? (does that make sense)?? He always says that I talk like a person that has an ED. I think I sound like me-being what makes sense in my mind yet does not to him.
This weight gain, my due date, and sooo many other things are hitting so hard I feel lost. Even though I exsist in an adults body I feel like this lost child that wants to hide away. Part of me wants to die, and part of me does not. What scares me is the unknown of which one is going to win. I know I am the one who decides this in the end but right now nothing seems real. The consequences of this ED make me feel happy at times. I can die with something.......... not sure how to explain this. Yet I take so many others with--leave the ones behind that don't deserve this. Why do I feel happy about the thoughts of dying from the ED? Someone told me that they thought that this ED is my way of killing myself but won't admit it to anyone. Well I am admitting it now. Sorry for venting this but everyone tells me to be honest, well this is what I think. And as much as this can anger someone, its what I think. I could lie and say I am fine, that I can eat, drink, be happy, and not feel like dying. But its not true.
Haunting.