Oh hey

[Kix]

First things first, you can call me Kix! I'm a nineteen year old from British Columbia, and I really like cats and video games. Nice to meet you all!

Last night around midnight I decided to join during a supposed mental breakdown. Ouch, what a great introduction. But its the truth. I was having a hard time concentrating on a ten page research essay I should have been writing for my politics of human rights class, and ended up thinking about things and looking up things and having a good ol' time crying my eyes out.

I suppose I should step back a bit. I have a history of anxiety/panic disorder from a young age (the panic attacks started when I was ten; I assume it was from hormones of hitting puberty, but I digress). My doctor labeled it Generalized Anxiety, and it took me a long time to control them, but I finally did... by grade 11 (I put the /panic disorder because the panic attacks feel random, as well as I'm not certain if panic attacks are limited to panic disorder but you guys will tell me I assume haha). As well, a few months ago I finally went to my doctor and was coined with severe depression? Something like that. But I haven't had the time to go back and see her due to school and work, among other things. Of course, I know I've been depressed for years, but its never been extensively horrible. I use to have drops of mood, but lately is become... severe, yeah. As a side note, I also have excoriation/skin picking disorder and I've tried doing everything for it but I'm a mess haha.

Its definitely interfering with my college work. I can't concentrate, and I definitely want to give up on everything. However, I feel like a lot of this has to do with my home life, as well. To begin, its just my mother and I, and we have a hard time paying bills. We both work - her full time, me part time while I go to school - but I feel its begun to eat us alive. My mother is extremely stressed due to her work environment because no one knows what they are doing, as well as not being able to pay bills and be able to provide like she's supposed to. But because of that, I've discovered she can be very, very emotionally abusive at times. Especially without cigarettes. As long as I can remember I've been called "useless", etc., by her. You know, the whole emotional abuse shebang. She uses my money to buy cigarettes - but I can't refuse her or else she'll be horrible. Its a depressing cycle (haha see what I did there? Not funny? Okay).

Tl;Dr, she makes me feel horrible about myself at times, and my home environment isn't the best place to study or attempt to do anything (she has this odd habit of dragging me around everywhere so I don't get anything done. Its like she believes I can whip off essays in a few hours; I really don't understand the behavior). I have my cats which have been my best source of comfort, but animals can only do so much, of course.

My other problem, as I mentioned earlier, is that money is tight. So very tight. Because of this, I fear I can't afford anti depressants or whatever my doctor may throw at me if I did go see her again. And I know for certain there is no way I can afford therapy, which is what I believe would work best for me (as well as winning the lottery, but let's be realistic here). As it is, I have these aggravating wisdom teeth coming in and I'm ready to pull them out myself.

I've tried self help and I continue to try and push through and stay positive, taking one day at a time, but I'm just not certain what to do anymore. I was accepted to a university for next fall, so I'm in the middle of attempting to find a place to live, a new job, and a way to pay for the commitment fee, etc., but I'm super stressed out and instead stare at nothing instead of what I should be doing. Like studying for my philosophy exam and writing my essay. Oh well.

So, I've come here for advice and possible pointers. Thank you for reading this!

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Ohhey

Welcome!

(she has this odd habit of dragging me around everywhere so I don't get anything done. Its like she believes I can whip off essays in a few hours; I really don't understand the behavior).

Have you told her you need to go to the library or stay home to study? She may fuss at first but just let her. That's part of having good boundaries.

 

[Kix]

Re: Ohhey

Welcome!



Have you told her you need to go to the library or stay home to study? She may fuss at first but just let her. That's part of having good boundaries.

I have; but she always makes a big deal out of it and huffs and puffs before she (sometimes) slams the door on her way out, which really doesn't help my mental state at all haha.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Ohhey

It would be best if you can to just stay at school and do your assignments there You would have more resources to help you re material and teachers
Your mother slamming doors and running off in a puff well that is her problem not yours ok you just need to look after YOU
Talk to your councilors at the school re getting bursaries or student loans to help you in regards to university As well look into grants ok the councilor can help you with that
Nice to meet you i do hope you can set more boundaries with your mother it is good to be supportive of her but she as well needs to be supportive of you

 

[Kix]

Re: Ohhey

It would be best if you can to just stay at school and do your assignments there You would have more resources to help you re material and teachers
Your mother slamming doors and running off in a puff well that is her problem not yours ok you just need to look after YOU
Talk to your councilors at the school re getting bursaries or student loans to help you in regards to university As well look into grants ok the councilor can help you with that
Nice to meet you i do hope you can set more boundaries with your mother it is good to be supportive of her but she as well needs to be supportive of you

Nice to meet you as well!

I have met with my counselor for those exact reasons, actually! I've applied for bursaries/scholarships, and I will be getting student loans for next year as I did this year. I've also spoken to her about these personal matters, and she also believes I should be looking after myself. However, it's the end of the semester for my college, so I'm under the assumption that she's done what she can for me, as well as I wouldn't want to be a nuisance to her outside of college hours, I suppose.
To be fair, my mother does try - though she also acts childishly like that, too. It just pains me to try and distance myself from her (my counselor recommended for me to do that, simply to save my sanity), because she's really all I have concerning family. The rest of them are either bigoted or racist or homophobic, etc., and I'd rather not associate with them. Its painful to be told over and over to shut myself off from my mother, even though I really have no choice.
Its also rather hard when you share a laptop and so you have to wait for your turn before you can do the schoolwork you need to do.

 

[Retired]

Re: Ohhey

Welcome to Psychlinks, Kix and thanks for joining us.

Sorry to hear about the crash you experienced.

money is tight. So very tight. Because of this, I fear I can't afford anti depressants or whatever my doctor may throw at me if I did go see her again.

You cannot afford to neglect your medical care, especially if you need treatment for the issues you've shared.

If your doctor prescribes medication, you need to tell her/him that the cost of medication is an issue. There are various options and programs available that your doctor can help with, including assistance programs offered by some pharmaceutical companies.

British Columbia offers a the Pharmacare program that you can discuss with your doctor to learn how to qualify for psychiatric medications (Plan G)

Your University may also have a Student Health Service that might offer therapy at affordable cost.

She uses my money to buy cigarettes - but I can't refuse her or else she'll be horrible.

As Daniel has already said, you need to establish some boundaries. If you are both working to meet expenses, your relationship with your Mother should be as one adult to another adult. Perhaps she still sees you as her little girl whom she feels she can dominate...you need to set some boundaries and reset your relationship as two equal adults.

Sometimes parents have difficulty reorienting their thinking to deal with a grown child as an adult.

 

[Kix]

Re: Ohhey

Welcome to Psychlinks, Kix and thanks for joining us.

Sorry to hear about the crash you experienced.


You cannot afford to neglect your medical care, especially if you need treatment for the issues you've shared.

If your doctor prescribes medication, you need to tell her/him that the cost of medication is an issue. There are various options and programs available that your doctor can help with, including assistance programs offered by some pharmaceutical companies.

British Columbia offers a the Pharmacare program that you can discuss with your doctor to learn how to qualify for psychiatric medications (Plan G)

Your University may also have a Student Health Service that might offer therapy at affordable cost.

Thank you for the information! I know for a fact I'm under my mother's medical, and can be until I'm 25 (or 23?) due to going to college/uni, but I've asked her multiple times to look up what is covered and what isn't and she still hasn't done that so I was at a loss heh. I'll question the counselor at the university about therapy once I'm actually there. I'll definitely keep that in mind!

As Daniel has already said, you need to establish some boundaries. If you are both working to meet expenses, your relationship with your Mother should be as one adult to another adult. Perhaps she still sees you as her little girl whom she feels she can dominate...you need to set some boundaries and reset your relationship as two equal adults.

Sometimes parents have difficulty reorienting their thinking to deal with a grown child as an adult.

Do you have some suggestions as to how I can go about doing that? I feel like that's exactly how she's viewing it, but I know for a fact she rarely ever listens to me, takes my advice or in general takes me seriously. She likes to coin me as a "know it all" at times, too, when I'm trying to tell her things (especially involving human rights and the like, which is one of my academic interests; she'll tell me to shut up some times haha). Especially around other family members, I'm told constantly to keep quiet, and then I get reprimanded for not paying attention or participating in conversations.
If its a dominance thing, I'm not quite certain how to set myself on equal ground considering I rely on her to get to work a lot of the time since I can't drive, and society has this huge issue with throwing "growing up" and "learning how to drive" together.

 

[GDPR]

Re: Ohhey

Hi Kix.I don't have anything to add to what others have said,I just wanted to pop in and say welcome to Psychlinks.

 

[MHealthJo]

Welcome Kix!

What a lot you have been dealing with. Whew! is all I can say. You have done so well to hang in there and also to reach out to us.

I would reiterate what the others are saying. As you say though, it is a very tricky thing figuring out how to set boundaries in a situation when we are still dependent on parents for various functions. Very hard.

My thinking tends to run along the lines of: if the person is not an absolutely horrible person who is willing to actually properly ruin your life and make you unable to go to work or do your study etc..... well, then after you stick to your guns and say "I'm really really sorry, I am so grateful for all you do and have done for me, but this is what has to happen at this point for me to finish getting through school and get along in life...." and you then refuse to be dragged around unnecessarily, set the boundaries you need to set and say no to certain things when the moment comes up.... and just continue stating your position if the other person protests or huffs or manipulates or whatever they do, and do NOT fall into the guilt trap or let them muck about with your emotions to get their way.....just see it for what it is: tantrummy childish behaviour to get their own way.... in a person who simply doesn't have their sense of security and adulthood worked out yet...

....well, the person will try their usual childish behaviour, but once it stops working, they will then (a little easier and easier as time goes on) accept the changes that need to happen.

However, I don't know your situation. I don't know if your mum in the end (if you stick to your boundaries) would actually do worse and worse things, try to actually ruin things for you etc, mess up what you need to do to get along in life, for her own perceived 'needs' (which I assume are to do with an undiagnosed / unmanaged anxiety condition or emotional problem of her own). I'm so sorry for the way that she treats you in those other ways too.

Do you think this would happen? Or is it more just one of those situations where we have been made to feel guilty forever, and our emotions get manipulated, and we need to just learn those ways of holding our ground, believing that we and our needs are important, and not giving in.

Sometimes, these things can be largely to do with sticking to our guns, putting on the confidence even if we are not feeling it, and being aware and mindful of what we deserve and what our rights are. Putting that game face on and just sticking with it, can help someone like your mum come to terms with the reality of the situation and the fact that it is wrong for them to continue to expect unreasonable things, or up-the-ante to get their way.

At the same time, if we are willing to keep reminding the other person and speaking freely about the ways that we too are contributing and working hard for the family unit to keep surviving, and if we be generous also in verbally noting and thanking the positive things the other person is doing and verbally validating the challenge and difficulty of their life, it can sometimes help the other person to keep a little bit of a feeling of security and positive-relationship-with-us feeling. (As difficult as that is with how she is treating you... but at the same time, for now your main concern is probably to just get through all the stuff you need to do.... there is plenty of time to work on the other aspects of your relationship bit by bit.) Sometimes whatever ways we can support a little sense of security in our close person, can help them to grow a little and feel a little bit 'safe'.... sometimes the person does find themselves able to grow a little bit away from the behaviours that stem basically from insecurity or fear or anxiety - and that's good for you, because a person who feels a little bit safer and secure, will be more receptive to those times when we have to create a boundary and make sure we have a more manageable situation.

I know your money is so tight, but since the counselling / therapy part might actually be more, a cheap option that I highly recommend for learning these boundary-setting skills is a book called The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. The counselor that you have might also be able to role-play with you, to help you get clear in your mind what you'll need to do and say when your mum does her thing. However as others have said, definitely make sure that you investigate what options might be able to get treatment for yourself, before deciding "nope, too expensive, can't happen".

Well stay in touch Kix, hope you can hang in there, and let us know how you are coping or whether any luck comes through with any of the million things on your plate!!